His friend is now calling on his behalf....

Has anyone experienced this? I have finally mustered the strength to tell him I want a divorce AGAIN -- this time no hesitation. Every time he said he was sorry, i said it wasn't about him, it was about me and what I wanted and that was to not be married to him. He said all he wanted was for me to give him one more chance to show me how different everything could be and I said that I wanted things to be different by signing the divorce papers. He said I was too much of a coward to tell him to his face. I agreed. He finally understood (or seemed to) that it was over -- I am done.

NOw, for the first time in 3 months, (his friend just found out we were separated three weeks ago) - his friend is reaching out and trying to talk to me on his behalf. It is hard because I actually really like his friend and think he's a good person (but hey, my judge of character is obviously off or I wouldn't be here in the first place) - and it is killing me to hear his friend beg for him on his behalf and tell me how much he loves me and that he is a good person deep down etc....this is the same friend who didn't even know anything was going on until three weeks ago --

has anyone experience this type of use of friends?

mystwoman's picture

Narcs love triangulation, and they do NOT like losing control of anyone or anything. They will use other people (including friends and family) to try getting their baby way. Xnh and I had a close mutual friend. Soon after xnh dumped me, I filed for divorce and then went NC. Xnh started using the mutual friend to gather/pass information about me. He knew that I sometimes went to lunch with the mutual friend, etc. Any port in a storm would do for xnh to break my NC, and weasel his way back into my life. He would use whoever or whatever to get what he wants (control). To the narc, it's all about him. Xnh was very angry that I went NC, and he had no control over me any longer (even though it was HIM that dumped ME). The mutual friend absolutely insisted on bringing up something connected to xnh every time I came near the guy. This upset me continually, and I was already wounded enough by xnh. I became very gun shy around this mutual friend, and felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells (again). His behavior did not make me look forward to seeing him. I told the mutual friend numerous times that I want nothing to do with xnh in my future, and I don't want to hear about xnh either. Please stop talking about xnh, his hideous P daughter, his youngest daughter, xnh's mother/family, xnh's dog, anything remotely concerning xnh. The "friend" ignored my requests to "cease and desist" about xnh for several months, and he just kept right on being xnh's minion to pass information. Being anywhere near this guy became pure torture for me. Then I finally got really angry, and finally went NC with the mutual friend along with xnh. Emtg, do you think your mutual friend would respect your wishes if you were to tell him that you've made your final decision about your marriage? It is YOUR marriage, you don't want any input from the friend about it, and nothing he can say/do will change your decision about the narc. If he won't respect your wishes to stop begging for the narc, you might have to reconcile yourself to NC with the mutual friend. Face it, a "friend" who will not respect your wishes/feelings is not really being your friend. A real friend will care about you, your feelings, and they will stop their behavior if they know they're hurting you. They care about you. If the person insists on continuing to do something they know bothers you, they're NOT being your friend. You don't need these people in your life. You need people that support you, and care about you. You've had enough hurt already, and need real friends/family that truly care about YOU while you recover. If your friend cannot have a friendship that is based purely on him and you without the narc anywhere in the picture, it is not really much of friendship. If you ask this guy to stop calling about the narc, and he won't stop, he's NOT being a real friend to you. You don't need him in your life. Sad to say from what I've seen personally, and read on this site, mutual friends usually do not work out. It's a form of remaining connected to the narc, and what you need is NC so that your can recover and heal. Any form of contact with the narc will only hurt you more. You need to focus on yourself, your future, and your recovery from the relationship with a disordered person. Any contact with the narc (including via mutual friends) will only damage your progress. Huge hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

emtg's picture

I feel like Carrie Fisher in when harry met sally who needs to be reminded every second of how bad it is but thank you -- and as she says "you're right, you're right, I know you're right." I told the friend (who really isn't a mutual friend just his friend calling on his behalf) that I had my reasons and of course I understand that the N loves me blah blah but it wasn't about that -- it was about not wanting to be with him anymore. There is no point to trying to explain myself - I can't stand being told I"m being dramatic or overreacting by one more person or I'm going to scream.
Done sourcing's picture

Talking to anyone he knows is giving him supply, period. That is a good enought reason to ignore and nc him. ds
Done sourcing's picture

Tell the friend good-bye...NC the friend also...you have gotten sucked back in simply by asking the question...move on and accept nothing less than nc from any associates of the narc. Next would be the narc contacting to discuss what was said between you and the friend, etc etc etc! ds
Sparrow's picture

Triangulation.....beware!
Hunter's picture

Then tell his friend to have a relationship with him! Obviously his friend has been sucked in too!! Delete the friend too! Hunter
greengirl91's picture

Yes, definetly yes. Mine had an entire "gang" of such people, who enjoy drama as much as he does. And believe me, some of them, let`s say, don`t know their lies as well. But when you are friends with them for their entire life, and you still consciously and without remorse, SUSTAIN them..then, let me say, they`re as bad as the Narc himself. I have blocked such people partially, and cut ties with them, because he was using those people to create drama to me. I believe he still tries to do that, even to this day, even to my so called best friends. But the world doesn`t end here and with them you know? Have faith in yourself, believe in what you know. How can they know what is in your soul? You are the one who can change and brake free, they never change.