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His birthday and anniversary today

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#1 Oct 25 - 10AM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

His birthday and anniversary today

Hi All,
I am 5 months NC with this man who almost destroyed me. I have been doing pretty good lately. After almost 3 years of this Narc revelation and crazy off/on crap. I am getting myself back and know exactly who and what he is.

But Today..NOT SO MUCH...It is his birthday. I always made a huge deal out of it, with him, with his 3 kids that I helped raise. I had "birthday week". It would also be our 11 year anniversary. Its so weird over 8 years of the best years of my life and then 3 of the worst. I miss my father in law. I miss the kids :(

Heres my problem:
I am ready to start bawling...can barely contain myself. I know logically everything about the how and why..... but I am so very sad today. I keep repeating to myself

"he doesnt care about you, you CANNOT care about him"
"hes not thinking about you, STOP thinking about him"

I wish I could forget about him. I wish I wouldnt think about he and OW.

I was even with him on his b day last year because he was sad and lost. And no one was there for him. But I was. And that was after the hellish couple years with Ow in the mix.

It is SO ironic that the very thing he blamed/ accused me of .."You werent there for me"
..(his favorite excuse.... of why he cheated, his excuse of why he needed her, his excuse of why he threw away our whole life and me)

ironic that on his birthday when he was all alone...who was there for him? ME!
Its so funny how they brainwash us. I was always there for him and he made me believe I wasnt.

He was using me and I knew it. And I let him. I thought I was being kind.

Whatever..

I just want this day to be over because..
I..am sorry...and embarassed to admit.....

I actually miss him. I miss all the great years.

I have learned my lessons. I am wiser and stronger...

BUT I miss the relationship i had with the bid facade of a man.

Over a decade of my life.

Cant wait for wednesday.

PS I wore my key necklace that my girlfriends gave me for my 40th b day...because It took me SOO LONG to get my heart back....I almost have it back..

but not today.

:(

Oct 26 - 11AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

BFT, I am sorry you still

BFT, I am sorry you still have feelings for the n, but you are doing great w/ nc. I'm glad you will let this time pass without contact or response. Narcs don't always honor their decision to move on...but based on all we have leaned here, we nust honor ourselves by staying separate. Re-visiting the past in our head is normal. Do something good for yourself and enjoy the freedom from his disorder. Your life with him wasn't a birthday party, it was at least three years of abuse,so leave it alone and take care of you. Ds
Oct 26 - 10AM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

Better today!!

I just wanted to thank you all so much for your kind words yesterday. I am so much better today. Yesterday was no big deal...just another day. And as the day went on things got better. I have to remind myself to not be concerned or care about him AT ALL...he does not care about me! I am way too good for him!!!
Oct 25 - 5PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Something about their

Something about their birthdays.... I thought I would get great joy in ignoring him on that day but when that day came, I cried and cried which I hadnt done in months.
Oct 25 - 1PM
jackguy
jackguy's picture

Mine too

It's my exn's by day today. It does affect ur mind. Am notgoing to break nc though. Just another trigger of grief but just part of the process.
Oct 25 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

i agree...

There is no way in hell I am breaking NC. I have too much pride!! Would I want Narc and Ow to laugh at me and feel like I am a desperate ex wishing him well?? HELL NO! He doesnt deserve anything from me...especially well wishes!!
Oct 25 - 11AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Baking, you have come so far

Baking, you have come so far and are doing great! You are feeling down today for many reasons, as you wrote, and your allowed to. It is very normal to feel the way you do today, his birthday, was an important part of your relationship, had to be to celebrate it for a whole week. He was treated extra special by you for many years and it went unnoticed, that stings. I believe though, you aren't missing him, the man, you are missing your life, but I will go a little further to say, you aren't really missing that life either, how could you, he was a spoiled bastard. I believe you are missing yourself, your role........being of value to someone else. Being of value is so very important to us, always will be. And that my friend is what you are missing. To hell with his birthday, to hell with him. Maybe make a new tradition on this date? Find something that liberates you from this jerk and start acknowledging that on thos special days! Turn it around, just like a frown. Today will pass, and you will wake up with a new day and fresh outlook. Mourn today if you must, and never be embarrassed of yourself or your feelings. They are yours, you own them, no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Stay strong today and always!
Oct 25 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

Sparrow...

Thank you for your thoughts. I think you are right about missing my role, my validation. I feel like I had lost my family and my identity. Very good point indeed. On the father in law-he is 85 and starting to have dimensia. I have visited him off and on as the off/on bs occurred with the Narc but most of the time his father gets upset and angry at his son, the Narc, for screwing things up with me. I like to have a nice visit and lift his spirits, not cause him anguish over his son. :( I feel better already...
Oct 25 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

5 months seems to be when we

5 months seems to be when we hit a wall., it's not that long ., it will get better and better., it's a long journey before you graduate from Narcville!! Hunter
Oct 25 - 10AM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

PS

The thing that gets me too is that... I am still damaged, dont trust men, dont trust myself and my own judgement. i am not even sure what a "real" relationship is...because I was with a disordered man not a normal man.... I am still haunted by him and the memories..good and bad.... I miss my father in law terribly and i miss his 3 kids that I helped raise ( I only have a cat) And he and his OW are happy and doing great...! I I know life is not fair. But it just doesnt seem fair. I wish them both all the KARMA they deserve!
Oct 25 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

If you miss your Father In

If you miss your Father In Law, why not visit him? I was very close to some of my in-laws and remain still to this day. I told them from the start, we never discuss Michael, and we never discuss the OW, as a matter of fact, we don't discuss any of it. When we visit, we talk about what we are doing in our lives, just like we did when I was with Michael. It works out fine, have found only minimal triggers here and there as well, which is a plus. Nothing that I couldn't handle. They were my family for 15 years..........we were close than and are close now. I love and respect them too much to put them in the middle, and I don't. Unless your Father In-Law is against a visit.........not sure of that situation. Hang in there!