The End of a marriage
I met M when I was 20 years old. We saw each other go through various relationships and life events. I thought that I knew him very well. He is charming, attractive, and intelligent- an artist. Women flock to him. When we got together it was wonderful and passionate. We were barely together a year, and then decided to marry. I thought that I had found the love of my life, he had been my best friend for many years.
I did not see the other side of him, or notice warning flags, until we lived alone.
He would get so angry at me for no reason, was controlling about trivial matters, and fell into deep depressions. I tried my best to be a support for him, and insisted that he seek counseling and psychiatric help. After he was on medication, and then stopped counseling - he would still rage and have anger problems.
I made excuses. His childhood, his impoverished background, his bipolar. But there was something else.
I also blamed myself. As a survivor of childhood abuse, I have PTSD, and started to think that it was my fault.
I had long internalized that I deserved to be treated a certain way, or that I could help him. I just wanted the old him back. Sometimes the old him would resurface, but as time passed it became less and less. I argued in ways that made me feel horrible out of self-defense but also because I was becoming numb to his aggression.
He was angry at me for hanging out with a male co-worker.
Angry at having to put more money into our expenses, because I made less.
Angry at me for asking to do his part around the house.
Angry at me for throwing away coffee creamer etc etc.
Angry that I asked him to stop doing drugs.
Refused to go to couple's counseling.
I had thought many times about leaving him, but I realize now that I have not fully healed from previous abuse, and could not let go.
Now, he is the one leaving. It would have been easier if he treated me like someone he had used to be friends with. Instead he was very cold, and I felt humiliated.
When I asked why he wanted it to be over, he said:
"Maybe you're not a good person to love." This hurt me deeply at first, because I remember how he used to be. Today, though I had a wake-up call.
Divorce is a good thing for me. I have been accustomed to verbal abuse, and have been living with a narcissist. My goal now is to focus on myself, and to love myself again.
I am also going to wait a long, long, long time before getting involved in another relationship.
I am not a victim, because I made choices to get involved in this relationship. Now it is up to me to not make those choices again.