hi. i'm new. my obsession is the OW -- why? so confused

hi all,

i was in a relationship - first one after my divorce - with a man who i thought to be perfect. dropped from heaven just for me. the perfect part lasted a few months. the abuse escalated for about 4 months ,,,well, you know the rest of the story. his d&d involved cheating on me and denying it for a period of time while i drove myself insane finding clues and hints on facebook and instagram. eventually i called the girl and she admitted it....and he was not remotely sorry - used it as an opportunity to destroy any last shred of self esteem i had. he knows i am self concious about aging so he criticized any signs of aging...and the girl he cheated with was 15 years younger. this was all back in the winter...

since then, i was diagnosed a love addict and told that was why i was having such a hard time getting over him. it was all on me. i did a lot of work on me, got to the root of some early childhood neglect and abandonment...learned about the inner child and started working on steps to heal her. however, i knew there was more, so i started researching on my own. i knew there was abuse. i could feel it escalating even though i felt powerless to get out of it. i knew that wasn't normal behavior. i googled his primary symptoms "no empathy" "cruelty" "emotional abuse" - eventually i found narcissistic personality disorder. then thank god, i started finding helpful sites and books and a therapist who actually knew what she was talking about when it came to helping me heal.

since last winter and the d&d, N will contact me from time to time. usually text. sometimes to say he still loves me, wants to get back to gether and be exclusive, etc. that was mostly in the beginning and i always fell for it. then he would just never make plans to see me and then fade away. but i told myself that it meant he still did think about me and love me or at least have feelings for me (WRONG). later, his texts were less frequent and more brief "i love you" "i still think about our sex. it was the best sex i have ever had" "we were perfect together in every way" "will you meet me for one weekend to fuck and do kinky shit?" some of these i responded to. any time i did respond, we would go back and forth for about 24 hours and i would think he liked me again, and then he would fade away...his ego had been fed and he was sure i was still on the line - waiting out there for him. the last two texts - about being perfect together and meeting to have sex - were since i have fully understood NPD. i knew what he was doing. i knew he had a girlfriend and i would be "the other woman"...i knew he might not even end up going through with meeting me and cheating, but he wanted to know i would be willing. so i did not respond. that has been the beginning of my NC. (about a month) before you pat me on the back for that....read on...

i am ashamed to say that what was almost a year of obsessing over my N has turned into an obsession with the OW. has anyone ever heard of this? a few months ago, during a routine pap, i found out N gave me HPV and i have had to have cancerous cells removed from my cervix several times already (it could only be him - only guy ever without a condom). i told him. he didn't care of course. didn't believe me either. so i convinced myself that the right thing to do as a woman (and i am 10 years older than the new gf) is to look out for her. so i started writing her an email. just to simply tell her to get a pap because i just found out about HPV and the strain can only be found through a pap because it doesn't cause warts, just cervical cancer. the next thing i know, i am explaining NPD to her start to finish, telling her why i am certain Tom has it, telling her about the times he has texted me and made suggestive or flattering remarks while they have been together. i told her how he asked me to go away with him for the weekend to fuck and do kinky shit. i told her he knew about the HPV months ago - had he told her? i told her about girls from his past he has done this to, and how he had bragged to me when i first met him that he doesn't have feelings. when he goes through a breakup, a girl might feel sad or mad and lash out. he feels absolutely nothing. i gave her the address of this website and a few others i found helpful. and then i hit send.

i had myself convinced i did it FOR HER. i didn't. i did it for me. i wanted her to write back and tell me how awful he was and we could commiserate. i wanted her leaving him to piss him off. i wanted to hurt him a little that way. but no...she got the email. and their stupid facebook pictures are still the same couple shots. my therapist said that what i did isn't horrible but now it needs to stop. i warned her in every way i could, but she is in denial. not willing to hear it. plus, N probably has had her convinced for months that i am a lunatic, liar, etc. so she will just have to find out the hard way like i did. at least after her d&d, she will know what the hell just hit her and be able to have some resources immediately. if she even bothered to read or save the email.

but i am so obsessed with her still. why is he trying so hard with her? they have already been together twice as long as he and i. he told me i was his ideal woman every single day. he would point out other women and tell me why he wouldn't be attracted to them and then always tell me attractive things about me. not just physically. but my intelligence, sarcasstic sense of humor, sense of style and fashion, etc etc. this girl that he is with now is NOTHING like me. and i know from reading that he never loved me for any qualities he pretended to love in me. he never loved me at all. its just so hard to believe he really never loved me when i have never had any man tell me so often and in so much detail about his love for me. and then to move on to a girl who is seemingly the polar opposite and stay with her for at least twice as long. why can he last with her and not me? i know i know, i don't want him. its good to be rid of him. but that rejection hurt. and i spent a lot of time right after it thinking that bc of my love addiction, the rejection was all my fault. so now i don't think about my N. i really don't. don't look him up on FB or google him (he doesn't live close so those were my main things). now its all about the OW. i analyze photos. she just graduated from law school. i have a masters in education. maybe she's smarter than me? maybe she is sweeter than me? i can be a bitch. why her? the girl my N dated 2 girls before me lasted almost 2 years. thats another one i can't figure out. my therapist says that they were probably quieter and meeker and didn't ask too many questions. wen't along with his program. whereas, i am older than him and my personality is to deal with things head on. so when he stood me up, i would let him know i was pissed. or if i saw him flirting with the bartender, i would tell him. and situations like these would lead to huge fights bc he did not like to be told he was doing anything wrong ever. i am assuming the new gf and the old gf didn't call him out on stuff? so less fighting? i don't know... i did everything else this guy could have wanted....sexually, financially, time-wise i was always available, i was always there to listedn to his problems, never questioned him about where he went without me, bought him gifts, took him on trips, new lingeree every time we were together, all sorts of sexy little things...and it was never good enough.

sorry to go on and on. he cheated on me in november. i saw h im one last time the first weekend in januarty. i was crying so hard because i knew i would never see him again. he told me to kill myself - but don't be a wimp and use pills again - get a gun.

it is now september. i feel like i should be feeling better. but i keep allowing myself to get sucked back in by his texts. and then i insert myself back in by emailing the OW (trying to cause trouble/get info). i think i could actually start to heal if i could find the strength to stop having anything to do with these idiots. they don't even live near me and we have no mutual friends. i go out of my way to find out what they are up to.

one last note, i have struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD my whole life. my therapist thinks the OCD is at play here along with the narcissistic abuse...which is making it so hard to let go of the relationship/N/the OW... usually i would replace it with another man, but i know that is not the healthy way to heal. and i am dedicated to healing this time.

if you have any advice...any at all...i would be so happy to hear it.

best to you all