Here I go again :(

20 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 9 - 9PM

needing2know

Here I go again :(

I am 10 1/2 weeks out, I am so depressed today, because my kids are arouhd I have been fighting back my tears. I am so sick of feeling "ok" then all of a sudden just want to break down a cry. I keep trying to tell myself he is dead, because if he was dead I would know that I would never have to worry about ever running into him again. My chances of running into him now are very very slim, he doen't live close by he is about 40 min away. Just knowing he is out there bothers me. I know as soon as my kids are in bed I will lose it bad!

#2 Oct 10 - 1AM

freaked

Needing2know, sending you and your dear kids my big HUGS

needing2know, i read your post and felt so deeply for you and wanted to send HUGS...but stupid me went and ranted about my own rage and hurt and pain. You know i feel so bad because i allowed my personal tragedy to hijack a loving with for a friend? Sweet friend, we are ALL HERE for you and for each other. I just want to know, again if it is not intrusive...are you financially independent now? If yes, then i will staunchly be with you to help you avaoid feeling sad. We are each one of here so sad...but another member always comes in to help. and it truly helps. LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU AND BIG HUGS FOR YOUR DARLING KIDS.

#3 Oct 10 - 1AM

lillymarch

I know I'm a little late here

I know I'm a little late here on commenting but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. This suffering is horrible! I cried for 6 months straight and now that's been around 11 months I'm much better. I still have my moments and begin to feel sad but then I remind myself that I don't really want him and that he's a creep. It's that little girl inside of me who is crying and feeling abandoned. I remind her that she is ok and that I will never leave her. Wow, I feel better just saying it here. It may sound strange but I really feel like all of my attachment to the Narc was really attachments from my childhood that were abandoned. When the exNh was abusive and stupid I ignored it because I was attached to making it work. When I really look at it, why would I want someone who would treat me this way?? I'm thinking of you and this pain you have. I hope it passes quickly and you can have joy in your heart. You are really in a better place without him. Love and hugs

#4 Oct 9 - 10PM

Amiee

HUGS!

I understand how you feel, really. get through the night..and keep talking to people..amiee

#5 Oct 9 - 10PM

Sparrow

I have thought that myself

I have thought that myself many times. It would be easier to accept if they were no longer roaming the earth. This will pass, it's still a fresh wound for you. Just keep in mind what he is, not who he is. Time does help, a little........... Keep reading, keep reminding yourself of what you are dealing with. And cry, let it out........tomorrow is a new day. With each new day, you get closer and closer to being healed. Good luck and stay strong!

#6 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

freaked

sparrow, i am boiling with rage

"It would be easier to accept if they were no longer roaming the earth." OH YES. I FEEL SO ANGERED that ito sit here and cry and sob and that S.o.b is bloody having a whale of a time with floozie ow. is there no justice on earth?

#7 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

Sparrow

Freaked, there is justice.

Freaked, there is justice. It doesn't seem like it at the moment. But in time, you will see. Once you are healed and have moved on with your life, you will find yourself blissfully happy............and he will still be the same crippled man that he is today. Don't let his "happiness" fool you. It's all an act. He hasn't a clue what happiness is. Impossible. Hang in there! And stay strong! You can do it! Remember, it's all an act..............

#8 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

freaked

Thanks sparrow

Thanks for calming me a bit dear sparrow. i am trying to figure out how and where i can find the wherewithal to move on. i see happy families all around me where i live. nobody seems to be sad, unhappy, cheated. this is what gets me down everyday. it was an arranged marriage. and i am scarcely to be completely blamed for agreeing to marry this disordered man who has an even more disordered set of parents. ugh sparrow, i can hardly describe the torture they put me through and continue to do so. his parents encourage his extramarital dalliance. they are saying maybe i was not an attractive wife. i feel so helpless in my rage Sparrow, your response helped me feel like a loved human being now. it is very difficult when i am living in a situation where nobody cares for me here. very lonely and terrible. what a terrible mistake that i agreed to this marriage. my life and my child's life..wantonly ruined. Hugs dear. i am reading your posts and know that you too are suffering. is there ever going to be happy times for us? time is speeding..and i ask When?

#9 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

needing2know

Just annoying as hell that

Just annoying as hell that they ARE SO OVER IT!!!!! pieces of shit!!!

#10 Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

needing2know

sparrow

I am REALLY trying! Thank you!

#11 Oct 9 - 10PM

58 and going strong

Needing2know, how old are

Needing2know, how old are your kids? I am asking because at any age they DO feel what we are going through, as we are fighting our tears and emotions. So my question would be are they old enough to see their mother having those strong emotions and simply explain it to them in an age-apropriate way. I believe it would give them the better feedback to their perception of the situation, add to their knowledge that their own feelings and perceptions are true and correct. That allows empathy to grow in them - the most important feeling a N is missing. Imagine this: you feel someone you love is heartbroken and close to tears, but when you ask what is wrong you hear that everything is fine while you clearly see and feel the opposite. Wouldn't you feel like that person is locking you out emotionally? You are still in the very early stages, but trust me, it will get better as you go. Big hug to you.

#12 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

needing2know

58and going strong

2 of them are under the age of 12, they have empathy, boy do they, They understand why i am so upset, what they don't get is why my ex just threw me out like a bag of trash when they heard him tell me he loves me. They know i am reading a lot on this narc. thing and I try to tell them that what my ex did was because he really doesn't care about anyone but himself, they looked at me and told me "yeah mom just like his kids it's all about them " They don't care about no one and they are mean if they don't get what they want" My kids picked up on the selfishness of him and his kids and they hated it. i found out from my two older ones a couple of weeks ago that my ex was trying to isolate me, I asked the kids why they thought that. they told me when he would stand in a room or when I was out of the room he would give everyone dirty looks till they left, it was like he didn't want anyone around me. I had no idea he was doing this. My older son told me (he is 23) "sorry he sucks at life mom"

#13 Oct 9 - 10PM

Winter

Sweetheart, I know how you feel

10 weeks is so early in recovery. It is so difficult to fake you are ok when you are not. It requires so much emotional energy. Especially with kids. You feel like being a little girl yourself and this girl want to cry, to scream and have someone around to care for her, to protect her. Or at least, to be alone and have a rest. Now, all emotionally drained, w/o any physical energy you need to take care of the kids. And have a smile on your face. It is hard. Just keep telling yourself that it will pass. I think with NC, in few months you will feel much better. As for now, just stay here and cry with us, we will cherish you. Love Winter

#14 Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

needing2know

winter

10 weeks feels like 6 months! I come here because I know if I stay away and try to deal with this without support, I will e-mail him, and after reading all the shit that happens when NC is broken, I don't want to deal with that on top of this too. But I also feel like chewing his ass out and telling him what a worthless POS he is, that maybe I would feel better, but I know it would be worse especially if he responded it wouldn't be pretty. I am so drained! I don't know how I keep going, I don't know how I am still able to take care of my kids or myself for that matter. I just want to crawl in bed and not move. But I do not have that option, I gatta take care of the kids. But I know i have to take care of myself too, but cannot do it right now. I don't want my kids to see me cry. They did once already and it hurt them so bad, so I try not to ever do it again in front of them.

#15 Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

Winter

Oh no-no-no-no!

Please, don't break NC. You will not feel better. Almost everyone regret it. You read it on this forum many times. It is just this of the most difficult day for you today. Maybe tomorrow you will feel just a little bit better... But, please believe me... it does get better with time. It really does. Those first 3 months are the most difficult. One day count for a month. After it is a bit easier. You are still hurt. but the pain is not as intense as now. Can you ask for someone to come and help you? At least to keep you compagny? Love Winter

#16 Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

needing2know

winter

I won't break NC because of what I do read here, as for my friends, the ones who helped me a few weeks ago no longer talk to me about this, I guess they got sick of hearing it, so right now you guys are all I have! You guys understand! Everyone else thinks I should be over this now!2 more weeks and it will be 3 months, I hope it gets better! I really cannot take much more of this. the pain hasn't been this intense for a while, it just hit me like a ton of bricks , I have been getting this "feeling" for the last week or so that he wants to contact but is too chicken, yesterday I felt ANNOYED and I know it's NOT ME. It's alomost like I am feeling like I pissed him off because I didn't do what he wanted me to do. I feel like I am walking on eggshells again and he isn't even around.

#17 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

Winter

Pain comes and goes

Remember the birth labour process? The pain increases, then it reaches the stage that you cannot bear it anymore. Then it decreases. And then cycle start all over again. I remember I said to myself: "Ok, it does hurt like hell. But it will not worsen, it will stay as it is right now or it can get easier." During my first 3 months, when I had the days like the one you have today, I use to say the same. It's ok, it hurt, can I live with that? Yes. Ok, I will live with that. It is calming. Over all, please do not resist your pain, embrace it, surrender, go through it right now. It is just a normal healing process. You cannot avoid it. Love Winter

#18 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

needing2know

winter

I was only in labor for 2 hours with my kids, they should have epidurals for this shit!!! Cause I would use it. i didn't need anything in labor it went to quick! I will break down like no tomarrow when I hit my bed, because I feel toxic again and I need to get it out of my system!

#19 Oct 9 - 10PM

Hope

Let the tears flow....

You need to cry...it's part of the process, let it out, it comes in waves, I remember it well....I send you strength and much love.

#20 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

needing2know

hope

thank you, right now I need all the strength in the world!

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