Her husband said!

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#1 Sep 8 - 8PM
needing2know
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Her husband said!

I was told that when a narc or someone with bpd D&D's you , if they end it on a really bad not they will never make an attempt to contact you even if they want to because they wouldn't know how to start contact with you.
My girlfriend husband has narc traits and he told her that my ex may want to contact me but doesn't know how, he told her if I was to contact him he would respond , I told her there is no way in hell I will do that!So I guess if they are really mean and hateful when they dump you they won't attempt to contact you because the damage they caused is so bad that they can't come back.

Sep 9 - 10AM
onwithmylife
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needingtoknow

interesting thought,mine will never and has not contact me again because of all the hatred and meanness and absurd accusations he made to me, he can never face me again, i even sent a card asking to meet for closure, got nothing back and never will,he knows deep down what a rotten man he is and how many people he has hurt and does not care..
Sep 9 - 11AM (Reply to #29)
needing2know
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My ex is the same way, that's

My ex is the same way, that's why I know he will never come back! And so this NC has been really easy per say, I don't know what it was about his D&D this time, but I never had the urge to contact him or chase after him like I did in the past. It just bothers me that people on here say they always come back in most cases, but I don't know I just don't see it. Which is a good thing cause I am done with this mess. he never ever tells anyone how he feels, he keeps everything inside, he is very quiet and in his own little bubble , his kids give him the supply he needs. maybe because he can control their thoughts and everything else right now.
Sep 8 - 10PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The bottom line is. They do

The bottom line is. They do what they want to do when they want to do it. If they are low on supply and for some reason you pop into their head they will contact you however if they fear immediate rejection from you because they treated you so so badly then they may wait a long time before they contact you. I found mine on fb 15 years later. I had know idea he was a psychopath. I just thought we were young and immature at the time. I just wanted to know what had happened to him. Well he immediately began telling me how much he had loved me and still did and Im married. I ask him why he was pursuing me and he said because Im selfish and I loved you first. Is that a Narcy statement or what! Oh most important they are lazy fuckers. If they know you will eventually contact them then they are patient they will wait especially if they have other sources of supply that are chasing them down I know secretly we all wish they would contact us to feel like we mattered to them but we didnt matter to them and we wont ever matter to them. You are nothing but a host in which they feed off of. Thats it. If you really think about it its a compliment when they dont contact you anymore cause they know that you wont buy their shit anymore.
Sep 9 - 12AM (Reply to #26)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

gettinbetter's

last sentence here is the honest bottom line truth. Do you want him to contact you even though you say you don't? If not then why would you ever wonder about it? They will NEVER validate us and even a remote hope that they'll contact is troubling because it means that somewhere you're believing he's capable of normal missing you and feels bad about what he did to you. One of the MAIN traits of these disordered is lack of remorse, regret or guilt. He could care less what he did to you. Perhaps his little friends are his little proxies so he can deliver these little messages to you that will renew your hope. Sadistic bastards. That is EXACTLY what it's intended to do. Once you really accept that they don't give a rats ass about you, let alone anyone else and that they don't care what they've done to you and if they were to make an attempt to come back or contact, it's only because supply is low not because he's sorry or misses you. GAG! I know this sounds very heartless and I find myself saying it alot, but it isn't meant to be. It's to help you see that pining in any way, at all, in your heart, is only dangerous to you. It means that somewhere, you've still got this little light of hope in there. It also means a psychopath has an open door to come back and bat you around again like a cat and mouse game. That's all it is to them. More sadistic FUN. Make NC your mantra. I see this alot here too, people hanging on to their ex's through mutual friends, acqaintances, whatever. Sparrow wrote a beautiful post here the other night about a friend who went totally NC with everyone she knew, including sparrow (and sparrow did nothing), so she could heal from her drug addiction. Sometimes it can mean just that. Erasing the entire canvas and starting all over. Other than moving (my son has one more year of high school and then I'm outta here), I have erased this bastard from my life completely. A lot of the things I enjoyed, I booted, online communications, as well as communication with anyone that knows him, including acquaintances and even stores where we knew the same clerks. THAT is when you know you really want to stay away. When you don't WANT to know anything about him and dont' have any ties with anyone that has anything to do with him, unless they agree not to discuss him out of respect for you, but that is not easily done. God Bless!
Sep 9 - 9AM (Reply to #27)
needing2know
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My girlfriend and her husband

My girlfriend and her husband do not know my ex, they never met, her husband admitted he is allot like my ex, he was just giving me some insight as the how they think, he is not a spy or informant for my ex.
Sep 8 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
Unfreakinreal
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Great post GB...

Thank you for that, really hit home for me...
Sep 8 - 9PM
dazedandcnonfused
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This is so True in my case.

This is so True in my case. It is always me making contact and him deciding he would give me one more chance.
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

It all depends...

These fuckers are crafty. Try not contacting him for a few days and then sit back and wait for the suckfest. They sense when you are doing ok, I believe this. If you are good supply, they always come back. Hopefully you were not as adept at giving supply as I am. I just keep reading and reading and at some point I will get the hang of this.
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
needing2know
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Unfreakinreal, that was

Unfreakinreal, that was another thing I wanted to askk about , do Narc really have radar???
Sep 9 - 10AM (Reply to #22)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Well mine has big ears that

Well mine has big ears that resembles a satellite receiver! That said, they don't have raider, they cycle every three to six months! For a normal person this time allows you to get your shit together, now at this point his last supply source is low, you feel better , it's time to go back and play headfuck. Time for them means nothing! As far as the silent treatment, i my self, will not listen to one word of his BS, he knows it, so silence is my punishment. Gettingbetter nailed it! Hunter
Sep 9 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
needing2know
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LOL that's funny about the

LOL that's funny about the ears . My ex uses his kids, they cannot wait to leave the house, unfortunately unless they permanently go live with their mom they have about 4 yrs or so to go, ( and I truly believe he drove their mom insane) he always told me she was crazy and has lost her mind! i was the longest relationship he had! And even after 7 yrs i think I was lucky I didn't go nuts, but if I would have stayed er went after him again this time, he may have won because there were many times I was doubting my own sanity!
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #20)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

I think so..

Many others that have been here for quite some time seem to think so also... Maybe it's just the lack of contact from me that prompts him, but somehow he knows when I am happy and does his best to smash it all to pieces. Misery loves company and they are never happy. Plus mine has alienated pretty much anyone who cared about him and I was the only one left that would give him the time of day. It's kinda creepy but all of it is :)
Sep 8 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
needing2know
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Thank you unfreakinreal, I am

Thank you unfreakinreal, I am not hurting as much anymore, but my friends husband is alot like my ex and it just makes me wonder if what he says has any truth. I just don't know how they cannot have no concept of time! or radar. Now I am just asking lots of questions, If he ever did contact me , if I had to say anything to him it would be "both off our lives are private no and I can only hope they are both happy" and leave it at that.
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
needing2know
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I have been NC for about 6

I have been NC for about 6 and a half weeks , will not contact even though I always did in the past, I did everything for this man and I mean everything! he had breakfast mad for him in the morning and was woke up with BJs! He did whatever he wanted during sex, however the other times he has dumped me or giving me the ST he never caved i did.All the posts I have read say that the guy does come back, but these are from woman who never went after their ex at all , the guy always caved, but I am the one who always caved.
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

I wish I had the answer...

6 1/2 weeks ???? That is incredible !!!! I have been told by others on the forum to keep my guard up because they do resurface at some point. I wish mine hadn't. They have no concept of time and who knows what goes through their minds? From my side of the fence, it's better when they don't. I am so sorry that you are hurting. Xoxo
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
needing2know
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I am learning so much right

I am learning so much right now AWEWSOME. they really don't have a concept of time? really? and they have radar ? CREEPY!
Sep 8 - 9PM
Unfreakinreal
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Absolutely not!

My N, did the deed numerous times. The "I am so scared to do this because I may not find anyone else like you", the come to my house and drop my bathroom items on the counter and leave method, the "Let me tell you what my ideal woman is like and how you possess none of those qualities", and many others, some that were designed not to hurt my feelings and some that were downright mean. He always comes back, because I let him. He has no conscience, feels he is always right, never at fault and just a poor, tortured soul. They have no shame, regardless of what they have done or how they treated you. As long as you are a good source of supply, they turn up at some point. They are like the dog shit that is forever stuck in the groove of your shoe. The only way out is to get rid of the shoe. I must like that whiff I get when the wind changes...
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
CaminoReal
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Unfreakingreal--what is

What is GOOD SUPPLY? Admiring him? Paying for his meals, his clothes? Kinky sex? Believing his LIES and BS? A great figure? A professional position? A married woman? A complicated situation? Still trying to make sense of this... Thanks, CR
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

CR...

I was *am* great supply. Because I have the ability to make him feel good about himself, if even for a short period of time. I validated all of the things he was trying to portray. He didn't come only for sex, when we went out we always had a great time. I learned as much as I could about his job (firefighter) and also his hobbies. I let him make all the decisions on what we did. Admired him, told him how great he was, always took his side against other people. Kissed his ass. Put him on a pedestal and never turned him away. Went out of my way to make him feel important in all aspects of his life. When we were together, people liked him more. I am nowhere close to perfect but I am a hell of a lot of fun. If you give them what they need, when they need it, without rocking the boat and accepting it as just fine, you are good supply. I was able to anticipate his needs and asked for nothing, so to him, I am great supply. Does this help? If not, post a response, I will be up for awhile :)
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
needing2know
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I did the same things you

I did the same things you did, but the last 2 month I just couldn't deal with it anymore and I got sick of his shit, everytime he would try to control something I would say "who the hell are you" I think he finally ended it because I was a defiant little bitch!
Sep 8 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

Defiant little bitches unite!

That's the point I got to also. Just couldn't take his crap anymore. Do yourself a huge favor - read everything you can on this site, all the blogs, everything. I have read some books on the subject and there is an unbelievably huge amount of information on here. I read for weeks before I got the nerve to join and share. Read read read, you will be amazed at what you learn. Great to help you start feeling more empowered. Xoxo
Sep 8 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
CaminoReal
CaminoReal's picture

Another DLB

I guess I was not good supply since I protested and stood my ground far too much. But, it was me that always caved and contacted him if he was quiet for a day or so. I am the one that planned our few outings and paid for them, of course. If he texted me and slightly suggested that he wanted to see me, I would be flying out the door no matter what my plans were. But, i have been a month NC because I am a defiant little bitch and gave him a piece of my mind when he took off for a romantic week in a secluded cabin with the other gf--ALL arranged and paid for by her!!!! He told me to just wait for him!!! Asshole!!!
Sep 8 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
needing2know
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I like my title lol I will

I like my title lol I will continue to be a defiant little bitch along with everyone who wants to join me in my crusade lolI have been reading so much I'm waiting for my laptop to expire lol. It has been in over drive! But ll this info is so addicting, before I know it I will have been on here for like 5 hours lol
Sep 8 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

DLB it is then...

:) Thank you for spending some time bouncing ideas back and forth tonight. It definitely kept my mind off of other things and my fingers out of the text app. Know that you helped me a great deal tonight. Off to bed, early work day tomorrow. Thank you again, needing2know. Xoxo
Sep 8 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
needing2know
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thank you as well , have a

thank you as well , have a peaceful night!you have helped me a great deal also! HERS TO DLBs!!!!
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
needing2know
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Even if I ALWAYS went after

Even if I ALWAYS went after him??? He wouldn't contact me , he never had the balls in the past
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

My exnarc has done some mild

My exnarc has done some mild hoovering. His D&D's were always real shitty, but I would never tell no one(ashamed for me and him). This time he left, I left too and stayed gone. I told everyone I was close to what he had done this last time, even his sister. She knows who he really is, a sorry sociopath. I believe that me telling everyone close to me what he done will keep him from trying to come back. He baits my coworkers with, "I bet you heard some stories about me(him)." He is just dying to know who I told about his craziness. Funny thing is, he looks like an idiot. I havent told no one but my close circle about him. Gosh, they are so disordered! It is funny with him trying to pick people and see if his all american boy story is tarnished. I guess maybe I did get some narc injury in there, just didnt realize it.
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

It's all about what they need at the time.

When I was the one who always did the contacting, he never needed to do anything. I basically said "Use me when you want, I have no respect for myself." And I didnt, I took any little scrap he was willing to give. I have been lucky to have been able to abstain from contact for a few days at a time over the past month which gave me some clarity. Of course the minute he wanted to see me today, I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I just keep telling myself that it's a process, I get a little stronger each day. It wasn't until I started reading everything that I stopped beating myself up because I couldn't get my head out of my ass. It is tough, every day. But believe me, I feel like crap every time I have a conversation with him. He will never be what I want, I know that. But it still sucks, be grateful everyday he doesn't contract you, it will give you more time and space to be able to achieve total NC - which I haven't, so I am right there with you. Xoxo
Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

yeah I felt like you did, any

yeah I felt like you did, any scrap he was willing to give i would take! But I don't know if him working in a prison has anything to do with it, but he knows how to manipulate and he knows how to stand his ground, he really expects me to cave again and I will not!!! So with him being able to control the way he gets rid of people and D&Ds them I really don't think i have anything to worry about.