Help to Re-focue here!

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#1 Jul 3 - 8AM
naivenomore
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Help to Re-focue here!

OK, so it's Saturday morning and I'm trying to feel normal (made coffee, toasted a bagel, vacuumed...) but all I can think about is HIM! One day I think I'm getting so much better and then days like today I'm feeling all panicky and unfocused. What gives? I know that there are some festivities that he'll be participating in this July 4th weekend and I'm trying to block thoughts of wanting to be having fun there with him, too. I tried calling my friends and none of them are home, but I thought someone on this board might be able to help? Thanks a whole bunch!

Jul 3 - 11AM
gingercat
gingercat's picture

If you were not taking this

If you were not taking this bold step toward freedom (think Fourth of July) from this personal tyranny you will end up looking back over all the ruined holidays you will accumulate during a life with a narc. It's easy to forget what real 'fun' should feel like when we are caught in their stranglehold. It should not be anything like what we all experience and I promise you the unnatural feelings he brings out in you will fade away to be replaced by healthy ones. Holiday's can be the worst because we feel like we should not be alone not realizing we are actually more alone with them than without them! You may have to just put this holiday aside (kind of like what you would do if you were recovering from a sickness or something) and concentrate on just moving on to a brighter future!
Jul 3 - 8AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Holidays Suck!

Holidays are very difficult after a break up. Seems the whole world has a place to go for connection & all that warm & fuzzy emotion which makes life wonderful. And, we feel so alone. It's really, really tough. I know. Hang in there! Maybe this is the day to go to that closet & throw out, give to Good Will, all those clothes that are two sizes too big, two sizes too small, and anything that has not been worn for two years or more. This evening you will feel great, a clean closet, less clutter. Then go take a long bath & wash that man right out of your hair! Sunday morning will be better because you will have done something for YOU today. It's ALL ABOUT YOU from now on in!
Jul 3 - 8AM (Reply to #17)
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

Thanks!

Thanks, Agnes, I DO have some grocery shopping that I thought I'd do that will get me out of these 4 walls and the closet idea is a good one, although it'll probably be my office which is such a mess right now from having just finished a year of teaching! It really helps to even just read a message like yours, although we don't know each other, and I thank you so much!
Jul 3 - 8AM
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

Refocus

Don't know how long you were with him or how long you've been away from him. All I used to be able to think about was him. It was because while I was with him, he trained me to think about nothing but him. Every action, decision, even what I ate had me thinking first of what his reaction might be, etc. It's normal to think about him. But you can change it. It's hard, but think about what YOU would like to do today. When my therapist first asked me "what do YOU want to do?" I sat there looking like an idiot and I had absolutely no idea who I was or what I wanted. True testimony to the effects of an N. In order to get him out of your head, you need to put you in it instead. Whatever it is you want to do today, do it.
Jul 3 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Me too

"Every action, decision, even what I ate had me thinking first of what his reaction might be, etc." But, this is not the defining of oneself in relation to the other whom we love. We do this out of fear. Will this situation trigger the advent of Mr. Hyde? A life defined by fear. Even in the so-called good-times, my life was defined by fear. I did not even know this at the time. I only figured that one our after I left him. And, somebody who had also been abused told me. When she said it, a light bulb went off in my head. But, while living with him I never even realized that I was absolutely terrified of him. It is a huge responsibilty to define oneself. What do I want? That's scary. So I took little baby steps every day to try to define myself NOT in relation to him. Even the smallest act for me was a step in the right direction.
Jul 3 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

So true!

Yes, that "what do I want to do" question is highly intimidating and the moment and it makes me so angry that I can't even think of 1 measly thing, other than the routine stuff I have to do! In a wierd way, the beautiful weather isn't helping, probably 'cause I'm thinking how great it'd be to have him here enjoying it with me, but you're right. When I think if he showed up here right now, I'd be trembling and scared to death of the not-knowing, please don't break my heart again, attraction feelings, do I even or did I ever even know you, stuff. When he e-mails me he says things like "I'm living in the drama-free zone now" - WTF! As if I caused drama somehow when he's the one who D&D'd! Wow, it feels good to just write this down, for some reason. Thanks to all of you!
Jul 3 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

He's living in a drama free

He's living in a drama free zone.....please! No, what he's pissed off about is now YOU are living in a drama free zone, he will always be living in shitty failed life, that's all that's on offer for him and in some little way he knows it however much he pretends he isn't, however much he tries so hard to escape his inner abyss of emptiness he KNOWS it will always come back to haunt him. For you, try to be at ease with even the little things that you're doing, they're big anyway, don't underestimate what you've been through, you were with the evil one. You're coming out of the dark tunnel towards the light, and expect there to be set backs, that's what I think the healing journey is about. Two steps forward one back. Pat yourself on the back that you're out, you will cope, you will survive it then you will thrive.

Ending the dance

Jul 3 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

I got through 1/2 of this day!

Gosh, I feel like an invalid here. Usually I can shake the 'bad stuff' within a couple of hours, but it's really lingering with me today, for some reason. I went out and got groceries but everytime I met someone (I teach, so there's a lot of parents I run into)they commented on what a beautiful day out it was and I felt like running and screaming through the aisles! The N e-mailed me and said the weather is great and he'll be going to a picnic and watching fireworks this weekend with his daughter - God, I SOOOOO just wanted to be there, too! I know I'm backsliding at the moment and I cannot keep the tears from running down my cheeks here - such an out of control feeling. I DO want to thank all of you who are keeping me bolstered up at this trying time. It is keeping me breathing and somewhat hanging in here.
Jul 3 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

Heh, of course he sent you

Heh, of course he sent you an email telling you what he would be doing and I don't know, but what this would have done to me at one point is that I would have immediately sunk into the pit of how much better he is now that I'm gone. My brain would go into a loop about how he's out there having fun and enjoying himself while I'm miserable trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I would suggest no contact. None. Change the email address or block him. You call it backsliding, I call it moving forward. The tears will come and they will come quite hard at times. Roll with it. The anger will come quite hard at times too. Roll with it. Recovering from a relationship with an N is tough at times, but if you allow yourself to just feel what you need to feel, it will all be ok. And, no contact, makes the recovery alot easier. When you do not have the N adding to the already huge pile of nasty they've pinned on you, you have the opportunity to move forward. You will see the N for the repulsive and ridiculous being they are.
Jul 3 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

Remember they LIE..... he's

Remember they LIE..... he's making it up. He's a narc. He gets a kick out of thinking "what can I do to hurt her now" He's probably home masturbating. And in any case if he was having such a good time, why would he be emailing this to you. There's the clue, he's not having a good time.

Ending the dance

Jul 4 - 5AM (Reply to #15)
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

Lies

LMAO on the masturbating thing. You've probably heard this joke…How do you know a narcissist is lying?…Their lips are moving. :-)
Jul 3 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
Imavictimtoo
Imavictimtoo's picture

almost 4 months

This is the hardest experience of my life emotionally. I'll make it. I'm not contacting him except emails about money and divorce issues. I'm not saying 'how are you' I'm just writing about subject look like we are doing business as two person. Even this is so painful. I spent 2,5 years just to make him happy. It didn't work. But he did very good job and left me. it means I have my life back :) I read every of your writings. It helped me a lot. Soon I'll write my story. Lots of things are similar to yours. We'll live happy, They will not. This is the biggest revenge. Really!
Jul 4 - 5AM (Reply to #13)
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

4 Months

You are correct that we will live happy and they will not. It is not possible for an N to live a happy, human kind of existence. I divorced mine after 30 years and I understand how tough it is. Keep up the good work regarding the minimal amount of contact you have to have. Two months into the divorce process I told the N I would no longer communicate with him verbally after one of his rages. He kept trying to rope me into a fight, one of his fave things to initiate and then blame me for. I would simply say "I'll ask my attorney about it." One time he kept at me and at me, escalated to name calling, and I just reiterated the same sentence until he told me to F myself and walked away. I was shaking so bad afterwards. However, it was a victory in that I did not leave that "conversation" as I had so many others….feeling bad about myself, confused and absolutely nuts. With the emails I had one occasion where I did not agree with him (how horrid!), as he was going to use a bill payer service for my payments vs. direct deposit as was agreed in the divorce decree. He replied with a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo and then told me to "stop threatening" him. Huh? Do you know I spent two days and almost an entire therapy session trying to figure out where in that email I had sounded threatening. I had not threatened him at all but he had gotten in my head, as he always had, and had me questioning myself when, in fact, he was not abiding by the divorce settlement. So, long story short, good for you. Keep it to business and keep it short and sweet.
Jul 3 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Steph
Steph's picture

"I know I'm backsliding at

"I know I'm backsliding at the moment and I cannot keep the tears from running down my cheeks here - such an out of control feeling." It is a horrible feeling - feeling out of control. You aren't backsliding though just because you feel this way. The tears are healthy. You have made it through 1/2 the day and you will make it through the rest. And....even though he emailed you ( block him!) ...you didn't respond to him! That's strong and shows YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF. hang in there:) xoxo
Jul 3 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
better off
better off's picture

Block him from sending you

Block him from sending you emails! Why in the hell would he be sending you that unless it was to hurt you?! You cannot get better having to endure such things... and yes, if you read here long enough you will see that they always love to make it look like they are having a high old time, but they are usually just inflicting their misery in a different location. Please, please, go NO CONTACT. No contact does not mean only that you do not contact HIM, it means HAVING NO CONTACT, including letting him contact you. Do not read his emails.
Jul 3 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
better off
better off's picture

Also.. go ahead and cry,

Also.. go ahead and cry, sweetie. Let it out. I cried every day for months. Don't fight your feelings, it's okay to be sad, because you're human!
Jul 3 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
gingercat
gingercat's picture

You are very strong

Your cup is already half full because you have bravely made it through 1/2 the day. I once 'failed' to show up for an Easter dinner with friends that had treated me like family because the narc 'appeared' at my door (I was in grad school at the time) and I was so delusional about him I reacted like an idiot and hurt my true family friends terribly while they waited dinner for me and finally had to call me to see where I was. I am sooo embarrased to even write this because that sort of behavior was absolutely not who I am and I kept finding myself doing similarly strange things because he had my psyche so disrupted. Trust me, he may be having 'fun' while you are not present but it is not real. There will be many, many more holidays that you can enjoy free of the twisted mind games they put us through. You may not be able to see clearly now but someday, very soon, you will be amazed at how he had taken over your thoughts in a very unhealthy way. Hang in there.
Jul 3 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

Good for you!

You're halfway there Chickadee! I have a business in town so I can identify with bumping into people you really would prefer not to see right now. One day in the near future I hope you can once again appreciate a beautiful day...regardless of what's going on. If you're in the States and are bored later on -- The Wizard of Oz is on Turner Classic at 6:00. Maybe you could make yourself some popcorn and pretend the witch is the Narc and the water is... NO CONTACT You can doo this Chickadee! Stay strong!