Help, please, all of you who work with the N

38 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 30 - 10AM

Rinalda

Help, please, all of you who work with the N

I think I'm sliding backward now as the N seems to be interacting with a new woman at work. This is the second woman I've had to witness and deal with. I broke it off when I discovered the first one and now feel like it's deja vu all over again.

How do you cope with this, if you have to be part of this very upsetting situation? He is in my face, off and on, but I'm picking up on things with this other one--more frequent conversations, him "timing" his interactions with all of us (when any of us are within earshot he seems to lie low). He used to never talk to me if the first other-woman was around, and I get the feeling he's playing games again with this other one now.

Not sure what he is up to but getting a very bad feeling....HELP!!!!!!!!

#2 Oct 1 - 1AM

Faith8

We don't deserve any of this!

I am in Grad School with my xN and he has moved on to my "friend" in a class of 7! Talk about being shoved down my throat. I am also sure that he has convinced her that I am nuts and there was no real relationship. I just found out what NPD was a few days ago and the lights went on. This guy is from another country where their dating rituals are very different than ours, so I just thought he was taking the physical part of the relationship slow. Turns out he is a Cerebral N, so he is not interested in sex, physical intimacy etc. So he can try to use all of that info to justify that there was no relationship. She'll figure it out eventually. A few things we should all concentrate on when they shove the OW in our faces: 1. We were sucked in by the BEST actors in the world who deserve some form of a prison sentence rather than an Oscar. They chose us because we are good, kind, loving souls. Do not forget that, and realize there is some HUMAN who deserves you. You have wasted enough energy on him. Give it back to yourself. 2. Tuning them out seems to have 2 steps. First they are frustrated and become irritable. Then they get bored and leave you alone. We are mirroring what they already know and want to avoid, that they do not truly exist!! 3. She is next! You are not losing a great guy that would have given you the healthy, loving relationship that we all deserve. She won't get one from him either. It's just a matter of time. He will hurt her and the next and so on. I have only been at this a few days and I can tell you, they will destroy us if we let them. I was well on my way, and then I read this diagnosis and it empowered me in some strange way. I am a straight A student, but I am already behind in my studies because he has been playing his games. To add to this, we are doing a film together so I CAN'T be rid of him any too soon. We all need to support each other and I am so happy to have found this site. I am having a good day, so I am full of positivity today, but I know there will be bad days ahead. None of this is easy and none of us deserve this. I considered withdrawing from classes for the semester and losing $15,000 so I could exercise NC, but screw him. I am not going to commit academic suicide, and lose that kind of money because that is exactly what he wants. They want you to perform badly at your jobs and cause you harm. We cannot let them win. We have to dehumanize them in our minds. I know some people have said they have imagined their xn to be a vampire, robot etc. I use one of 2 characters out of films that scared the hell out of me. Both characters were real people, but were completely insane, didn't care about anyone, and murdered people without a care in the world. I equate this with what n's do. They try to murder our souls, take everything we have and leave us dead in the gutter. This is the ultimate battle of good vs evil and we MUST WIN!!!!

#3 Sep 30 - 11PM

Amazed

Stay Away from the N at work

Stay away. Stay away from the N at work. Stay away, stay away. I can't say it enough, stay away. Don't look at him. Seems weird if he is right there. DONT LOOK at him. Look anywhere else. Don't listen to him. If he is in a meeting, tune him out. All the crap he is saying is crap anyways. Don't answer his questions. Seriously. The " you obviously don't want to talk to me" questions,,, Don't answer. Remain silent. He will suck more life out of you, than you care to know. Dangerous. Stay away. They will seek, seek to destroy you. when all you are trying to do is be a team player, keep your job, be happy. Oh they love destroying people like you. I don't mean silly destroying, I am talking seriously destroying... Don't go there. Keep us posted,,,,if you go back, you will be worse,,,please don't come back to us worse.

#4 Oct 1 - 8AM (Reply to #36)

ewa

When my exN was coming close

When my exN was coming close to my desk (at the time when i was still getting emotional when he was around) i was running away to the bathroom, just not to listen to his voice. I knew he could notice it , but i just didnt care :)

#5 Sep 30 - 11PM

Susan32

Strange situation at work

I've mentioned the toxic workplace I was in for 5 years... I've been in a better place for the past 2. Imagine my shock when one of my coworkers (he was a cook) from the toxic workplace applied to work where I am now. This cook had an affair with a dietary aide (they were married to other people) Now he wants to work where I'm working. What's odd is that he was one of the LEAST bad people at the former toxic workplace. But it would be odd to work with him again. Ideas? Thoughts? Prayers? I'm kinda thrown for a loop. I've been NC with this guy for 2 years. But he really wasn't as bad as the ex-N boss.

#6 Oct 1 - 4PM (Reply to #33)

Rinalda

Flash from your past

Susan32--Did your former co-worker get hired at your new workplace? If so, staying away from him, as others have advised, seems the best way to deal with it. You don't need any more hassles....I know how hard that is in a small, enclosed environment, though. It's almost impossible not to interact, especially if the N wants it. Of course, when he doesn't, he's nowhere to be found. And I know how destructive it can be to have to go on each day, facing new situations with Ns. I truly hope he does't poison your new space. You seem to have moved on from those jerks.

#7 Oct 1 - 5PM (Reply to #34)

Susan32

Flashback

What's weird was that he was one of the BETTER people at the toxic workplace. He and I would joke around, and he did stand up for me when the ex-N boss bullied. He was the LEAST narcissistic, despite the workplace affair, which is weird. I think he might stay along till the ex-N boss makes it official at the new nursing home down the street, where a FT position would be more assured. The former coworker MIGHT get hired... but my boss said the same thing about two different people who ended up not taking up the offer/getting hired.

#8 Sep 30 - 9PM

moonshine

rinalda...

I work with the N too. I sit in between the OW of his interest (one of the interest) and him. It is awful. Its like torture every minute and another fact it I dont know when he would act on what. I got a noise canceling headphones and do my job. I take walks alone to breath at breaks. I have a hard time still. I have cried in the ladies room....I have gone out running when a panic attack is triggered when i hear them talk. What happened in my case is he asked the OW out and they went out to a movie. After this the OW wanted to know my opinion about his interest in her. I told her my story and she could not believe what happened. She tries to be friends with me.....but I also feel that I will not know what will happen in the future with him and her. He might increase his charm...she might follow. I mostly try to work and get out. He stops by every other time to invite me out to eat lunch or dinner ...i say....NO!. He is learnt it and has stopped now. I know that I cant stop him or her from dating each other or going out. It only triggers my panic attacks...so....I try to just stay focused on work. It is very difficult to even focus as I want to know what he is talking and again the same time...I know it will harm me. I feel better on somedays than what I have felt before.....but when i see him going on with life as if nothing has happened and being happy...i start to go into depression. I really wish now that I dont want to know whats happening between the OW and him as its no use. We can not control how the world behaves with us but we can control how we react to to it. I try to move on. I started to write down my feelings. It has helped. Now the OW is trying to talk to me..she said that he called her when she was sick and asked her how he can be of help......that news alone triggered my breathing pattern and I could not breath....and the whole day was worse. I am actually not even able to sit in one place for long. I am 44 days NC...he does come and talk to me at times....he comes to me with ...cries and tells me that "i dont have anyone".."we shd hangout together"....etc.....then he mess with my head like this. I have NOT gone back and tried to talk to him. Once I asked him "how do you have the heart to ask her out when I am suffering like this"....he said..."I want you to GET USED to the fact that I will date and have sex with other women".......I was shocked . He still wants me as a "friend"....and yet want me to get used to his ways. He is breaking my spirit.....I dont know how long i will last like this.... I feel the deep injustice but ..what can I do....he seems to be winning now.....

#9 Oct 1 - 8AM (Reply to #30)

ewa

moonshine

I did not know you are in such terrible situation, that you have to sit next to him and her. I would advice you not to talk to her about him, but you of course should know the best if it is possible or not. I am not sitting next to mine. We sit on opposite sides of open space. I can not even imagine how it would be to sit next to him. Moonshine I am afraid the best would be for you to change the job. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!

#10 Oct 1 - 9PM (Reply to #31)

moonshine

ewa

Could you explain why its not a good idea to talk to her about him? Just trying what issues that will bring to me. Yeah...its hard....but the NC days have given me some strength but again the issues that I never foresee would trigger my panic attacks....ignoring is the only way. Its been 4 months since i moved out of his house...i am still depressed. If things get worse I have to move on as you are saying....

#11 Sep 30 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

Rinalda

Moonshine: What an arrogant and useless s.o.b. he is

moonshine--I'm really sorry that you're having such a difficult time at work. Goodness! To have to sit in between them is indeed torture. I don't know why the OW wouldn't take what you said more seriously. And as for him, he is plainly toying with you, looking to keep you around but only to a certain extent. I want to shoot him. Good for you for not going back. I know how hard it is to do, but from this vantage point, all I can see is a huge asshole who deserves to be D & D'd by YOU. It would be so nice if you could act like HE should get used to YOU dating and doing whatever with other men, rather than being around so the arrogant prick can tell you what you should accept. Who does he think he is?? Like you, though, I get extremely anxious when I overhear him with the new one. I don't know what to do with myself and must be having a mini panic attack also. It literally makes me feel ill. I don't know anymore....It's like a merry-go-round. He jumps on different horses while I'm on the floor of the ride, spinning in circles..... I guess as Ewa wrote here, if we can regard them as nothing, ans undeserving of US, it helps to ease the suffering. Please hang in there.

#12 Sep 30 - 10PM (Reply to #24)

moonshine

thanks rinalda...

but.....he does not feel jealousy at all. I dont understand that. He doesnt feel jealous for other women too when they hangout with other men. He does not get jealous even if i talk to other men. Its just crazy trying to understand this all together. Yes, i saw that EWA wrote that once we sink into our head that they dont deserve us...we will feel better. The hardest thing I ever had to do in life was to get out of his house...move out....break the habits that i used to do with him and say NO to his little traps. If there is some justice in the world....there should be some answer for all of us. The OW can be broken with his charm. She is 10 yrs younger than him....so more naive to get captured.....I just cant tell that she will stick with me.......but if she decided to go out with him...I cant be friends with her....that will end. I felt really sick when he said "you shd get used to". He has also told me " I did that to teach you a lesson"......very sick. I hope you feel better.....do let me know how you are doing as we are in the same boat....seeing them everyday. We can help each other.

#13 Oct 1 - 11AM (Reply to #28)

Rinalda

Hate this situation!!!!!! :s

I don't know about justice anymore. The charm works on others who want to feel special, too, and we know that these Ns say the right thing and appear so dynamic. I'm ready to puke at the starry-eyed girl trying to get his attention. It's so sickening and so demoralizing to watch. Gut-wrenching at times. I'm not even over the first OW. I want him to have no supply, to wither and have that ego unfed for a long time. One would think it a bad idea to pursue one skirt after another at work, especially as this current girl is connected to him on certain projects. He must feel really entitled and invincible at this point. No fear. His audacity is breathtaking. And others do support them in their quest to be golden boys at work--all those fans in the crowd or those who are fooled by the lies and veneer he shows to the world. If they only knew... I try to stay away when I can, but I hate the idea that things are probably going on while I'm not there. I'm trying to give up the need to know (others here have said that they also find they pay attention to what he's doing). It's so hard to ignore because it still hurts. And I think i hope I'm wrong about this latest woman. The thought of him succeeding is so repellent, so maddening. Even though I know she'll get burned, too, and that he's a piece of sh*t, I just can't stand this situation.

#14 Oct 1 - 10PM (Reply to #29)

moonshine

Oh i know

I know what exactly you are going through. I also have all the thoughts that you have written here. I look for some signs that he would feel sad or have a bad day....but no....it just goes over his head....just like that. Nothing seems to stop him. It feels like all the doors are closed ....it feels like a dead end.....but the day goes on and he goes on with life. I have also felt that everyone likes him...but...no one know him like I do....so his life his smooth...doing his charm talk...etc. I have suffered many many days like this and I still do. I started to write the good and bad feelings then and there when i remember and it kinda helped. I started to read good books which occupied my mind. I also listen to books most times. Music helped. I started learning a musical instrument...to give me focus. I am doing all I can to replace the thoughts. But I also go near the old apartment we lived and had good times ....just site there ..stare ...reflect and cry. I take walks at breaks to get my mind out too. But believe me one little thing will spoil the whole day sometimes. The OW is not actively talking to him as of now....he is worried that she is not talking to him. It kinda helps....but hey...she is one of the many he can flirt with....I dont even know whats happening outside. I try not to think and make my other thoughts occupy me. I come back to old thoughts....but I figured that I am not able to get away from it...so i was thinking of making a writing out of it....or make art out of what I am feeling right now etc......i am still in the thought but putting it to some use to and move on eventually. Its a process...i am not sure how long it is going to take......but we shd stay strong. Today is another day...and he won...i feel like a loser....tomorrow is another day too....we will keep trying.

#15 Oct 1 - 8AM (Reply to #25)

ewa

Trying to understand them

Trying to understand them doesn't make sense. I do not think they can be jealous. They rather can be angry but not jealous. Do not forget we are objects to them. Even the young girls can be smart. Do not underestimate them. There is big chance they are more naive, but not always. I am 15 years younger then my exN, and yes I do blame age for this that i was naive. But he was meeting 20 years younger girl (the one he cheated on me with - probably i was to old for him already ;) and this girl kicked his ass very quickly. I think we have special "skills" to be able to stay for longer time with N. This are not people everybody will agree to be with for a longer time. Anyway you shouldn't be worried about this girl. You should be happy there is another "object" and he is not interested in you for a while. And being friends with him is also not to smart idea, as they are not able to be anybodies friends. It is all about them!

#16 Oct 1 - 10PM (Reply to #26)

moonshine

special skills

yes ...true....we do have it to stick together with them for a longer time. i dont know why? what is that exactly makes us stick and still go back begging for more. what you have written is true. the younger ones may not be more naive...but just thought so. it may be that they like younger women than older too....i am not sure and again...as you ahve written it doent make sense to understand them. one part of my brain is happy that i am kinda out of the cycle because he is pursuing others but my major part of the brain...or the part which i have no control....gives me all the "why" and anxiety questions. Why not me...how could he....we were close....etc etc. I have clearly told him i cant be friends with him...but he keeps coming back....asking for "friendship"....he says he loves me in that way and not the way i want it to be. i have said no many times....but its very hard on my part to do that.

#17 Oct 2 - 9AM (Reply to #27)

Rinalda

So very hard....

moonshine--I can confirm that you will get past wanting him and reliving history/memories. You'll discover that you aren't missing anything. At some point, he'll pick up on this and will try again with you, for the chase. He's a jerk for toying with you still and not letting you just be. All of us thought we were close to the N. It's, unfortunately, mainly a game. He is too self-absorbed and shallow to want something deeper. Don't look to yourself for any blame. This is key. Do you have access to therapy? You really have to love yourself through this, and professionals can help you do that. I fully relate to your point that one little thing at work can ruin the day. I don't sit beside mine but it's a small office and one can hear everything that's said!!!! :( So I have to hear his voice and also the conversations with other women. It goes in waves for me--I'm hitting a bad patch again but I'm not as fragile as I used to be.

#18 Sep 30 - 4PM

The Girlfriend ...

Rinalda

A thought occured to me that it would not be entirely inappropriate to perhaps send a little anonymous email to HR and mention that your 'EX Narc Office Romeo's (his name)...or use general terms...such as it seems that a 'certain persons' behavior is 'inappropriate and distracting' for the work environment, and that his behavior and high need for personal attention is causing less productivity in the office'...and that you and 'others' wondered if they could address this a sensitive way. I dunno... Things are finally catching up with my Narc/Psycho BF...the 'Prince Charming' of Office Romeo's at his workplace and he just got knocked right off his 'throne'. He has already had more than one 'affair' or 'dalliance' with a co-worker...and his constant seeking of validation and attention has been noted by HR. He was pulled into a 'little meeting' yesterday and reprimanded, put on probation and his bonuses taked away...he was reported for aggressive phone calls (which were recorded)...as well as inappropriate work behavior causing distraction of others, as well as 'poor working ethics and quality'...He literally looks like he has aged over night...These guys sense of entitlement causes them to believe that they can DO anything they want...cause problems for others...and get away with it...but BOY! when they get called to the mat...and it is serious!...well, he is having a hard time finding his 'footing'...and he is not able to blame everyone else for this mess, when he tried they told him he was 'digging a deeper hole and made himself look worse'. BRAVO! Wish I had been there to see the moment his bubble burst. Perhaps it is time for YOUR workplace Casanova to get his 'come uppins'...as my Grandma used to say! In a way HIS type of behavior could be considered a form of sexual harrassment... You deserve to have a productive and positive work environment without all his cr*p continuing to affect your day! If he won't go away by ignoring him...then find a way to get HR to handle him. I bet they have noticed his behavior...the last gal that he was chasing after, probably feels like you right now...He is using the Office like it is his personal 'Nightclub' and hooking up with everything in a skirt. He is a loser! Stay strong!

#19 Oct 1 - 8AM (Reply to #21)

The Girlfriend ...

Update on The Office Romeo

Well, as I mentioned a day ago, my Narc/Psycho BF who was reprimanded at his office (see my post above)and he was pretty quiet and deflated that night at home. But by the next day, he had mustered up support at work from enough of his 'starry eyed young female co-worker/groupies and successfully rewrote 'history', managed to minimize his fault or bad behavior, and deny any wrong doing in the phone calls he had made to his company's well respected clients that were inappropraite and aggressive in nature (saying the other person on the phone had 'provoked and caused' his response)...and that he 'wasn't THAT bad after all'...and that HR was 'blowing things out of all proportion', that he is a 'great guy' and a 'really good employee' and HR has been excessive in their reprimand... His conduct and behaviors...driven by his primary & constant need for attention/validation/admiration/appreciation yadayada...make him noticable all right...but NOT in the way he thinks. It was working for him for a long while...but after one too many flirtations and affairs with co-workers...everyone is getting sick of him...and his sense of 'entitlement. Unfortunately he still has his 'groupies' he has carefully cultivated who willingly go to bat for him and offer him a steady source of fresh supply...totally unaware of what and who he really is...because he carefully shows only his 'Prince Charming' around them...and they cannot believe he is really a TOAD. All it takes is 2-3 of his unaware co-workers to 'be on his side'...and VOILA! Just like magic...his ego is restored and all is right in his 'world'...He either deliberately ignores the consequences, or simply fails to recognize...or just doesn't have the capacity to comprehend the full scope and seriousness of the things he does (all of the above)...his job literally hangs in the balance...and he could be fired at a moments notice because of the things he has done and recently been reprimanded for. This is serious...yet he jovially says this morning..."That famous hockey player will be in town next week...think I will take the day off so I can go see him and get his autograph"...WTF? Huh??? He is in serious trouble..and today he seems completely unfazed and very upbeat. Unreal! Hey wake up Psycho! YOU are on probation at work! What an idiot! These guys can explain away EVERYTHING they do...and spit on the consequences! While we all just sit there speechless with our mouths open...incredulous at it all. Unbelieveable! I swear my Psycho BF is truly Satan!!!...GEEZ! NOTHING stops him or gets in his way, at work, at home...or anywhere...

#20 Sep 30 - 9PM (Reply to #20)

Rinalda

Can't believe it

At some point, something or someone may give him away. For now, he's entitled, and I'm livid. I want to wipe the smile off his face when he thinks that he has caught another one and is desirable. I just know he wants validation. In other threads we've talked about the fact that it seems like these Ns always win. If he just moves on from one fleeting encounter to another, and even backtracks to old supply, to him this is fine. He likes it that way. True, he's not learning from his mistakes. But I don't think he cares. And that the universe puts a woman in his path who seems willing..... Oooooohhhhhhh!!!! We're not even that big of an office, for crying out loud! I just can't get over it.... How could this happen so easily? He didn't even have to look that hard. :( I'm just blown away by how things work out for him, the sleaze. He preys on women, hurts them, gets away with it, and keeps attracting new ones. He is without doubt a pathological liar, a predator, a womanizer, a fraud, and a low life. Damn him*&^%! He deserves to be alone, shamed, hauled in and strung up by his bosses. Instead, he's going to feel pretty pleased with himself. New supply. The gap is filled and he confirms his desirability. GGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! It is so unhealthy and time-consuming to get worked up over this stuff but it feels overwhelming. I want to do better things with my time, but I get consumed. And this is AFTER therapy. I feel like I might need to go back again! Or manage to land a comparable job (big feat right now). Like some of you have said, if I went to HR, I fear his reaction. I think he'd retaliate, given his temperament. And I was willing party to the whole thing. Talk about entitlement. Meadowbrook: I share the frustration and the nightmarish scene at work. Mine is adversely affecting the work environment but seems like he won't quit. Un-f'ng real (sorry, I'm so upset right now). The Girlfriend: So he got his just desserts at work? Wow. I'm sure that knocked him sideways. Maybe there is a way to expose him without it coming back at me. My experience with HR at my workplace is that they don't take bullying or intimidation very seriously.

#21 Sep 30 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

Meadowbrook

Entitlement Mentality

I may have to start a new thread about their "entitlement mentality". I ended up quitting due to the stress of it all. I'm not sure if he bragged to anyone in the office but my fear of that alone was enough to make me want to get the heck out of Dodge. People had started to warn me about him and I realized he was making moves on others. It was a nightmarish realization all while I was trying to keep up with my otherwise stressful workload. I know toward the end he was nervous that I would go to HR even though he tried to act like he wasn't. I didn't feel like I could do that because our "relationship" was consensual, albeit totally under false pretenses. I ended up being screwed over completely in terms of my job while he went on to a bigger, better one totally unscathed. I guess what I'm wondering is when is there a place for exposing these people for what they are? I mean, in my case, there's no easy way to do it without it possibly coming back to negatively impact me or my family. But I feel like they just keep wreaking havoc on people's lives with their predatory ways and become emboldened each and every time they get away with it. I've had to watch him literally prey on another married woman just for his amusement, to conquer her then discard her leaving her in secret shame. Very hard to watch.

#22 Sep 30 - 4PM

herlatestvictim

Similar situation here!

I work with my ex-N too. Luckily for me, the OW quit after suffering great mental distress from the D&D that we all face at the hands of a narc. Of course, the N found another woman at work to start with. Mostly just flirting from what I can tell, but now I notice the N will flirt with anyone! I too had a mini melt down when I thought, "I can't go through this again!" watching my ex-N with another woman at work. This is how I get through... 1. There ALWAYS was and ALWAYS will be multiple women in the N's life. This is not about you. 2. It's just a matter of time before they shit on the next woman, it's what they do EVERY TIME. 3. Everything about the N is a lie. They pretend to be something wonderful to drain you of everything they can get. Ultimately, they are pathological liars and frauds. 4. They UNABLE to sustain any change they make. They may seem to have changed with you or the new person... but they CANNOT sustain that change. They are sick and twisted and there is, to date, NO CURE for NPD. When I remember these 4 FACTS, I know that I deserve better and NEVER want to go through the pain that it took to get me this far in my recovery. GOOD LUCK RINALDA.

#23 Oct 1 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Rinalda

Keeping these in mind

herlatestvictim--Thanks for sharing these points. They help.

#24 Sep 30 - 12PM

mystwoman

I, too, work at the same

I, too, work at the same place as my xnh. In the beginning, I had to file a complaint because he insisted on obnoxiously contacting me multiple times a day. So far, it's helped me. I'm still not sure exactly what it is about his dumping me for another woman, and my divorcing him that implies in any way that I actually still want to be "friends" with him. I don't. I don't even want a "good morning" from N's lips. I'm simply NOT interested in him or what is currently going on in his life (drama, drama, drama). I have my OWN problems. I certainly don't want inflicted with any more of HIS. I agree with all the comments everyone has posted here. Focus on your job. Your job (and your self-esteem) are so much more important than anything N says or does. Ignore him as much as possible. I've found with my N, that this bothers him more than anything I could say or do. N's hate to be ignored. I spend a lot of time when he's around my area thinking "NC. NC. NC. NC." to myself. If I ignore him, he eventually goes away, I still have my peace, and my actions have given him no excuse to contact me in any way. I know, personally, that this can be very hard to do at times. My nature is to be friendly to others. However, my headphones block out the sound of his voice, closing my office door makes it so that I don't have to look at him as he passes by, and not answering my phone if I know it's him, helps me immensely. If I see him in the halls, I just walk on by pretending that he's not even there. He doesn't even get a smile. Nothing. Any acknowledgment that I'm aware of his existence, only serves as an "invitation" in his mind to try contact with me. I'm better off with NO contact. It sounds to me like your N is trying to play games with you. Face it, if he can upset you, the OW, whoever, he's winning his little game. If he gets no reaction from you, he's not in control and his little games aren't working. Meanwhile, if you just ignore him and focus on your job, he hasn't upset you (that he knows about anyway. lol), and you KNOW that he doesn't have the ability to suck you into his manipulations.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#25 Sep 30 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

Rinalda

Coping

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. Tuning him out is helpful and is anathema to the N, of course. He can't take that. He buzzes around, at chosen times, and I act unperturbed around him, as though his wheelings and dealings don't get to me. I ignore him unless we cross paths and then I am polite but keep it to a minimum. I only arrived at this state after much hostility and evident sadness. He knows I'm better now and doesn't want to see me get too far away, I think. I feel better not hanging my head and showing the pain. But yes, there will always be other women on the go. I never knew things could be this way. Behind my pretence I HATE the fact that he is timing things again, like before, making sure that he doesn't pay too much attention to me while this other woman is nearby. This is SO insulting. I want to show him that I know what he's doing, but that would give away how I suffer. I wish I could just be disgusted and repulsed, instead of hurt. It's opening old wounds. It is just brutal.

#26 Sep 30 - 11AM

Meadowbrook

The advice Happy1 is giving

The advice Happy1 is giving you is sound. I quit my job because of my relationship with the N. I was so emotionally shattered that I felt like I couldn't hold it together much longer. I knew I had to quit before I totally crashed and burned and ruined my professional reputation and my career. My job was unbelievably stressful and I had a terrible boss and unreasonable expectations so quitting had other benefits. Unfortunately, I felt the need to do it prior to finding another job. Don't let that happen to you. I'll be thinking about you. I know how hard it is. Keep your chin up.

#27 Sep 30 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

Rinalda

Awful situation

Meadowbrook--Thanks. Your experience sounds awful. It's very difficult for me to get a comparable job, or I probably would have left already. I'm glad you got out. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe--anxiety and rage together. Very hard, indeed.....

#28 Sep 30 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Briseis

It IS very very hard!!

It IS very very hard!! Almost too hard for any human being to take. I don't think I could do it without being completely messed up, even NOW. There are just some things in life that are too much for us. It will help a LOT to force yourself to focus on your work, on anything but him. To deliberately turn your attention away from him. But it will be a very long row to hoe, lots of effort for just a bit of improvement. I don't think there is any sort of clean solution for this. Put out your resume and start LOOKING around. Jobs are very dear. But still this is an awful sort of stress, and if there is SOMETHING you can do to decrease it . . . we aren't made out of rock :(

#29 Sep 30 - 11AM

ewa

I still work with mine on

I still work with mine on the same floor, but in different teams . What i did I stopped answering his hello and bye, so after a while he gave up and we have no communication. When he passes me by I usually look at different direction. He was flirting with at least two girls on the floor but they just rejected him. I knew that they are smart and pretty and they will never go for him. When people asked me about if we talk, I used to say that he is not the person he seems to be, but i will not comment on it more as we work together. And i saw that the people respected me for this. Saying the truth to them will not help at all. So my rule is do not talk about him at work. My advice is to try to ignore him and do not look at him as long as you are still emotional about your past relationship. After 9 months i am able to look at his face and feel nothing, I just wonder how could i be with this idiot. His behavior is very funny for me now. He behaves so silly, i do not know how i could not see it before and his flirts with this all girls are so idiotic, the way he talks, the way he is laughing to put attention of others on himself is just making me laugh. When you will start feeling deep inside that he does not deserve you all will change i promise. Try to make yourself a priority and concentrate on yourself. Now is your turn to be a bit selfish :). You are the good one the one who has real human feelings. Ignore the N, he is a robot with nothing apart anger and scare in himself. Do not be sorry for him, as he is happy the way he is otherwise he would have changed it long time ago. Once you will realize he is worth nothing and especially he is not worth you it will be better i promise. It just takes time,so give it time and in the mid-time try to think of yourself as much as possible. The good new is that soon i will change the job. When i will start a new job it will be a year since we broke up and 11 months since we do not share the flat. I wish he or you will change a job quick too. Job is temporary, something which can be changed. Our happiness is the most important, so if you can change the job, if you cant try to treat him like a ghost. xx

#30 Oct 3 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

Rinalda

Bothered and furious

Ewa--Are you not bothered, then, by him making moves on others right in front of you? I'm watching mine do the whole dance again, I think, on the latest woman. It's like watching my own relationship with him play out in front of me--same type of conversations, same ploys to interact with women. And then he is silent or invisible all of a sudden if one of us can overhear too much and he wants to hide what he's doing. Always something secretive. And are you not frustrated that he gets attention? In my case, the women are responding every time. They do go for him, and it is making me furious.

#31 Sep 30 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

Rinalda

Thank you

Ewa--Thank you for your reply. You're right--he doesn't deserve me. This is a helpful thought. He is such an assh*le. I hate to see him get anywhere. I know I have to ignore him and detach. I think we corresponded on this board once before. You seem better these days. Hurrah!!! I wish you nothing but success at your new job.

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews