HELP ME WITH THIS SITUATION I TRUST ALL OF YOU

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#1 Sep 25 - 10AM
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

HELP ME WITH THIS SITUATION I TRUST ALL OF YOU

I really need some advice from you girls....been dating a guy for about 4weeks now..long distance relationship,plane ride is only one hour...we've pretty much seen each other,every weekend,and a couple days during the week here and there,because he does business here..Anyway,everything was going great,i meet his sister and her husband and kids,we stay in their guesthouse 2diff times..he goes to my high school reunion sat night,hes a hit,and i'm introducing him as my date and he says why don;t you just call me your bf? I said are you my bf? he says yes samm,i told you before i'm not looking for something casual..this was last sat...ok,fast forward,he leaves mon morn...i text him some random ?,no answer....tues....i don't text or call,he doesn't either..wed,i text "i guess u don't miss your GF?" he texts back 'i've been really busy", i text back 'whatever',he texts back 'i was gonna call,i've been busy,chill out..'....OMG..i'm like ru kidding me...i text back..'too busy is so 7th grade,nobody is 'too busy' to text or call someone they care about'...end of texts,nothing else..so,thurs morn i email him and just say,'seriously,i'm really disappointed that someone i thought i knew would act like this,please send me my two shirts(they're brand new and super cute),thanks,samm........i get an email saying he was gonna call until i went psycho...THANK GOD i kept the texts...i typed out our conversation and asked 'where in those texts did i go psycho??' i said 'quit trying to blame me for your own bad behavior"...anyway,yesterday i get an email saying he's sorry,doesn't want to say mean things to each other,he'll send me my stuff and again he's so sorry.......i didn't respond...........SOOOO, last night at around 7 i get this text.."I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO THINK THIS IS FUCKED UP,BUT I DO MISS YOU NOW THAT YOU ARE NOT WITH ME TONIGHT,I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU THAT I MISS YOU........:(..........I didn't respond..........but i miss him too....what is he really saying?? What do i do next...Come on girls chime in,i want to do everything exactly right.......HELP...

Sep 27 - 2PM
DitchHisAss
DitchHisAss's picture

U know The Answer

“Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option.” DITCH HIS ASS! Be wise - Be Smart - Be Well - Be You!

Be wise - Be Smart - Be Well - Be You!

Sep 27 - 2PM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

NOOO!!

The rushing? The ALL CAPS. Red flags. He is insane. This man is not worth your time. I'm sorry, he sounds nuts!
Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #43)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

sweetsamm

Did he really do all CAPS? My H does that! weird traits! ATTENTION all woman: If a man cooresponds in all Caps all the time...RUN!
Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #44)
better off
better off's picture

or the reverse!

or if they're over 40 and use all small letters and no punctuation like they are texting and sixteen years old because they think it makes them look younger i am not making this up cuz mine did this for that very reason but some guy told him no it made him seem like an idiot Real men use punctuation!
Sep 27 - 1PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

I agree Samm

with the majority of the ladies on this thread to just let this one go. All the other things aside, the one thing that sticks out for me is him getting all twisted up about you not referring to him as the BF. I understood that you were trying to do the right thing and take it slow, but WTF this guy expects you to be a mind reader and on the same page about the relationship without having a heart to heart talk about it??? I agree, any man worth it would be up front with you, he would be happy to declare this to you and not assume a great girl like you ought to automatically fuse yourself to him like that. He ought to know you have options, damnit! I agree with Brieses that there are gray areas here, but the bottom line is, if your gut tells you end it then you end it. You were in this short relationship, not us, and you know more than we do. It may not have been what you thought it was, but better safe than sorry and if it was truly meant to be, then it will work out and hopefully at that point there will be better communication between you two.
Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #41)
better off
better off's picture

Brilliant!

SM, I love this: "I agree, any man worth it would be up front with you, he would be happy to declare this to you and not assume a great girl like you ought to automatically fuse yourself to him like that." SUCH a good point! Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Sep 25 - 2PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Good for you Samm

You may have met a douche in nice clothing but you nipped it in the bud, and protected yourself. Excellent excellent excellent! I know it sucks but you should feel so good about yourself and your instincts. xoxo
Sep 25 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I think it might have sent

I think it might have sent him a kind of "red flag" when you asked him if he missed his GF. Asking him that had a kind of hidden meaning, you have to admit. If someone had sent me a text like that, after not talking/contacting for two days, I might feel like this person was angry. I wonder if he thought you were angry? No text or call for two days . . . in the great scheme of things, mind you . . . is not very long. It might feel too long to you, but it might have been very normal and ho hum to him, and a lot of other folks. When a person is so RAW after a r/s with a Narc, we are hypersensitive to the slightest thing :( . And the thoughts that go through our heads OMG! We spin some seriously awful things. Two days with no contact, and we're convinced they've found someone else lol. Also, when someone you are getting to know tells you "I just have been busy", and it really only has been a couple of days . . . give them the benefit of the doubt. It's not going to hurt anything. You don't really KNOW, you know? He really could have been busy :) You jumped from him saying "I was busy" to "Send me back my shirts, you treat me like crap!" I guess that could look a little bit psycho :( We know you are NOT psycho, but we know you and he doesn't know you very well yet, it's only been four weeks, maybe 8 days of being one on one with you. That's not very long, not even twenty days. And finally, after going off on him a little bit, and THEN telling him "I am trying to say I miss you" is too little, too late. I think you may have made him nervous. He doesn't automatically understand what you've gone through, how hurt and frightened you were by your r/s with your exN. I think if you take some time to explore yourself, and the fearfulness that made you jump to conclusions about him, it will help you so much in future relationships :)
Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #32)
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

i get your point briseis,but don't agree......

a couple things i have to clear up......we had gone from his calling once or twice a day,or a quick text saying hi,to nothing...in 2days so, i think my instinct was right on...plus we all know 'being busy',is you really didn't cross my mind...i mean come on,I'VE used that one......and after him declaring himself MY boyfriend,you're gonna realllly say it was psycho to say don't you miss your GF??? I was that girl in the past that made excuses for flipflop behavior,'oh,he was busy,he fell asleep,grandma died,etc'..no more...the more i've looked at everything today,i really believe it was a catastrophe waiting to happen..and yes,we are vulnerable at this time after everything we've been thru,but i also think my eyes are open like never before.....
Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #37)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I'm hearing you had a lot

I'm hearing you had a lot more contact with him, on a daily basis, and this sudden "silence" was not normal for him, so I get that, Samm :) It would have pricked up my ears, for sure. Using the word "psycho" on you was a bit strong, another red flag the others pointed out very clearly. I think I really misunderstood your first post. I am beginning to understand that you were referring to YOURSELF as the GF, not some other GF he just broke up with. Good Gawd, I need a roto rooting in my head LOL!! My first post to you must have looked pretty insane. I am very sorry! Argh!! Now that I understand (DUURRRRRRRR) I am totally in line with everyone else!!! You've all been VERY nice to me in spite of how judgmental that must have sounded. There aren't enough emoticons for me to express how stupid I feel LOLOL!!! ((((Sweetsamm))))) forgive me for being such a dunce :D
Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #38)
better off
better off's picture

LOL. It didn't sound

LOL. It didn't sound insane, I was just confused. Like, is BRISEIS saying this? How... unusual. lol
Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Yeah

One of the biggest things I've learned to look for is consistency in behavior, because while the ex wasn't bad about staying in touch, he overall couldn't be consistent in what he did. I was friends with my bf for a few years before we dated, and even as a friend he was very consistent, and still is. I don't ever wonder, period. If it's really working, there shouldn't be any strange gaps in communication, nor an unanswered communique, unless something was seriously wrong or it was an agreed upon time out. When you're in sync about the relationship that stuff just doesn't seem to happen.
Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #33)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Good for you girl :) In a

Good for you girl :) In a couple of hours and you now know it was a 'catastrophe waiting to happen' How clued up are you getting? Keep those lovely eyes wide open :)
Sep 25 - 5PM (Reply to #34)
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

eyes wide open

I'm telling you it's this site......it has opened my eyes! And having 20women telling you your instincts are right on is just the empowerment i needed...i may have second guessed myself..being called basically loose wasn't easy to hear,but it's true....moving that fast is nothing but trouble for women in our shoes.....or i guess just women in general...but,i'm gonna use my excuse again,ummmmmmmm it's kinda been a while,lol....
Sep 25 - 7PM (Reply to #35)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

SweetSamm!! You are so cute!!

Way to suck up the constructive criticism!! You rock!! It's all meant out of love and for your (and our) ultimate growth and happiness! And I am so proud of you and your boundaries! You're right! 20 women can't be wrong about the red flags! Big victory for you tonight!! xoxo Sherry
Sep 25 - 2PM (Reply to #28)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis I have to disagree

assclown behaviour is saying, I wanted to do this and that before you acted like a psycho OR hey I am just busy. A decent caring man, would make everything to make your insecurities go away, he wouldnt leave you with a "I am just busy", and he wouldt say "psycho". He was the one who pushed for "non casual" and "being a bf not just a date" - ah yeeah really? Then hell - behave like a gentleman and show you deserve it, no one is ever to busy to send a small text "hey sweetie hope your well, have much to do, I will call you the next days, promised" Sweetsam did the roght thing, raise your standards, a decent man never leaves you with insecurity, he will go sure you dont miss him, he will go sure there are no misunderstandings. Period.
Sep 25 - 2PM (Reply to #29)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

A decent caring man will be

A decent caring man will be very concerned about your security, I agree :) . But I don't agree that he will fall all over himself making SURE you feel secure. To some degree, he'd expect you to already BE secure, at least decently secure, you know? I'm not with someone OR looking, so that colors my thoughts on this, probably a lot. After being so destroyed by a Narc relationship, we are so hurt, and so wary of the same thing happening again. We need to get to a point where we don't expect a new guy to rush in and provide security for us. I mean, NORMAL security, yes, but not the extreme needs we have after a Narc relationship. That's all I'm trying to say. We're here to support Samm and I perceived her reaction as being understandable for someone who's been so jerked around. I just want her to be successful, and a successful relationship is NOT just about finding that perfect guy. It about being the "perfect woman" for him, inside and out :) NOt just a drop dead gorgeous specimen like Sam, but with inner security and confidence that a guy will be proud to be around. If a guy is spending a lot of energy making you feel secure, it takes away from him spending time RESPECTING you as an equal, rather than as this fragile thing. A lot of guys don't want a fragile woman. They want a strong, self possessed, self confident woman who doesn't need a lot of reassurance. I think women that need a lot of reassurance are prime targets for another Narc.
Sep 25 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis

yes and no. Right, I know what you mean, still Sweetsam had an instinct here, she followed it, and I am 100 procent sure, the man is a total douche bag. His reaction was first passive aggressive, I am busy. I never heard that from a decent man before. Not once. The one I heard it of, where the narcs, assclowns, psychos. Its not his job to make us secure, right. And definelty it was way too early for Sam to date (thats why she attracted the jerk, she is still healing). But a norman guy, doesnt react like that. He would call, say hey baby whats wrong, are you ok? Whats the matter. He would try to bring the misunderstanding out of the world. My assclown started exactly this same tactic, and its typical that he paddled back after the boyfriend thing even when it was him to initiate it. Assclwons blow hot and cold, they make you go crazy, and its typical that he tells her he misses her now that she is not there - its from the assclwon manual. I studied this behaviour for over one year in the blog of Natalie Lue "baggage reclaim". Its like this side more with focus on narcisstic men, who are playing the push and pull game, future fakers and so on (not so much the one who marry). Hugs.
Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #31)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

MMmmmm. . . maybe.

MMmmmm. . . maybe. Regarding the "I'm busy" being passive aggressive. Truth is, he could have been extremely passive aggressive, or, he could have been very busy, or, he wasn't that "into her" and chose not to respond right away, whatever. He could be a raging King of Narcs. Or he could be a guy who freaked out and took Sam's insecurities and fear as some kind of attack on him. He doesn't sound particularly sensitive, but then again, a guy you met a month ago, whom you've been with for only part of that month in person, is not someone who you can let out your insecurities on, you know? That's still a time to be on your "best behavior". A time where you are still holding your cards close to your chest :) You might have plenty of doubts, but you don't bang him over the head with them. You watch him, maybe pull back a little yourself. You are still checking each other out. Yeah, he did the "I'm your BF thing". That doesn't mean that he and Sweetsamm aren't still barely getting to know one another. So . . . since his real motivation is pretty much unclear to any of us, I was thinking more about Sam and what was going on in her head. I guess it really boils down to the crap that happens when we seek out relationships when we are too raw and beat up, post Narc. And, how important it is for us to be willing to look at our part in it all. While we NEVER deserved the abuse in any way, we stuck around for it. Exploring the "whys" of that is so important. We need to wake up to ourselves, not the goddamn Narc. What's going on in Sweetsamm's "BF" head is less important to her than what's going on in HER head. That's what I was focusing on.
Sep 25 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

What a dissopointment for

What a dissopointment for you . I had the same thing way too soon after narc and he turned out to be a plumb but for a little while it was so nice to have the pain taken away and have somewhere to rest my head , we only had sex once , he wanted to move into my boat with me but slowly he started displaying anger issues , strange angery silences and then we went out one night and he got really drunk and started to be really loud in a pub garden so i left him and went home and he started to text me horrible texts and that was it for me .It was sad because i had to deal with all the pain again and the loanlyness . but i had to deal with it , if i dont deal with it now it will only stick around and bite me in the butt in a year or so . But i understand the disapointment but this guy is an accident wating to happen , and no way should you be having sex after just 4 weeks ... i sound like my mother but it kicks off the bonding and oxytocin and then youre judgment is all over the place .Take cute boat guy , we have been hanging for about 3 months and only today has he kissed me , on the cheek ! Welcome to my 1950s relationship lol but it is the only way to go for me and if he dosnt like that well goodbye cute boat guy .x
Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Talking of cute boat guy

Talking of cute boat guy :) Lots of luck n stuff for tomorrow night Scoop, hope it's still on? I love the idea of a 1950's relationship. Look at me I'm Sandra Dee :) jeez I'm smiling a lot today for some strange reason, hope my bubble doesn't burst :) :) Lots of luck and hugs and stuff to you too Sweetsam. I'm looking forward to having you all disect my next relationship for me on here. Not that I'm looking, just a pipe dream for now :)
Sep 25 - 12PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

RED FLAGS!

Michele is right on: "Hold heart and prepare for crash landing if you pursue this.." These are HUGE red flags. Please, please do not respond. This guy is playing with your heart. NEVER let someone play with your heart! Like you said, no one is too busy to text someone they care about. Think of it cognitively, logically as if it were a work situation. Take out the emotion! I've started to do this lately and it really works. If you were writing a performance review on this person, would you rate him positively? No! You would rate him negatively saying he has ZERO communication skills and he is frustrating to work with, to say the very least. Replace him immediately or fire him, right?! Be done with him, Sam! You are way too good for him. You do not have time to put up with his crap for another second.
Sep 25 - 12PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

OMG OMG OMG!!! he can;t even

OMG OMG OMG!!! he can;t even be charming in the very start of the 'relationship'? can i ask how old this guy is because this seems like crap someone would pull in college. please stop talking to him :(
Sep 25 - 12PM (Reply to #22)
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

His age fierflie

fierflie....................he's 49!!!!
Sep 25 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

sweetsam

i'm 31... if a guy my age acted this way, i would think he was waaaaaaay immature!! OMG, my psychotic x husband was way better at luring me, i can only imagine how this guy would treat you in months ahead :( get away from the asshole
Sep 25 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

RED FLAG ALERT

Hold heart and prepare for crash landing if you pursue this. It's early in the relationship and the signs are already surfacing. Listen to that little voice we are all so apt to ignore. The voice that so often tries to warn us yet we dismiss... Sorry, but he doesn't sound like "THE ONE" Hugs
Sep 25 - 11AM
jen79
jen79's picture

NEXT!

These are not just red flags, these are RED FLAGS. This is typical assclown behaviour, not a second I would spend with him even more. He gives you an opportunity to opt out - take this chance. Immature, unrelieable, unhealthy, game playing. NEXT. Assclowns are narcs, who dont marry you, but they are as worse as the classical narcs.
Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

assclown,lmao

Assclown is my new word!!!!!! love it.......do u know how many guys have that name now.....thanks Jen....:)
Sep 25 - 11AM
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

RED FLAGS~!!

You know very well that these are all red flags and it has only been 4 weeks. Cut him off immediately. You are already questioning his true message behind his words and he is extremely hot and cold....RED FLAGS! Disengage... And I absolutely think it is way to early to be starting a relationship. You have to give yourself time to grieve and heal and "deprogram"...I love that! Don't allow a man to already come into your life and begin playing mind games with you! You know better now! He is showing you a glimpse of his true self, so believe him! Boundaries and NC SweetSamm!!!! For your own sanity!
Sep 25 - 11AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

samm

Oh, brother. What a lunatic. I'm so fed up with these guys that say they really like us but go missing in action at the drop of a hat. Just forget it, honey. Just freaking forget it.