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Help-I work with my ex narcissist

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#1 Apr 12 - 7AM
missindependent
missindependent's picture

Help-I work with my ex narcissist

First, I just want to say that I'm so glad that I found this site. At first, I thought I was crazy. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

I just recently ended the relationship with my narcissist. I had to, to get closure for myself. Everything was going fine until I told him that I would leave my husband to be with him. Once I spoke these words, he began giving me the silent treatment. I was so confused, scared, alone, and couldn't understand what went wrong. After doing some research, I realize that the problem isn't me at all.

However, I have to be in contact with him every day because we work together. I should've known better then to get involved with him in the first place. It was wrong and I feel horribly for it, but I can't change it now. The sad thing is, we work in a place where he can constantly be surrounded by young beautiful women. I get to see him with the other woman every day. It's painful, but I deal with it.

I still have my good days and my bad days, but at least now, I am sleeping at night and am learning to live my life for ME.

Any advice for how to deal with the whole work situation? I have worked here much longer than he has and I love my job so leaving isn't an option for me.

Apr 12 - 9AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome Isha!

I am sorry that we have to meet under these circumstances. My name is Michele115 and I'm one of the moderators on the forum. I understand you recently broke up with a narc and your challenge is dealing with him at work. I'm not sure how much you not only know but "own" of this personality disorder, but once you really understand what it entails, you really will become indifferent. It will take time to recover from the hurt, and since this was no normal relationship perhaps a bit longer to process, but in terms of dealing with the narc at work... IGNORE...don't look at him, don't talk to him...make it as if he doesn't exist...the same way we were taught to do with bullies when we were little, stay away and ignore...same thing here. Our minds are very powerful weapons, I'm not sure how skilled you are yet, but I can be three inches away from someone and in my mind, they are invisible. You have the magic power to make him dissapear. Do not engage and if you must communicate...work only. More than likely at some point he may try to engage you or re-hook you. Unless it is work related and absolutely necessary poker face, answer the question related to work and get back to business. Do not be extra friendly, do not be hostile. Poker face...it's strictly business. If he baits you...simply respond. I don't wish to discuss it. If he keeps on, you continue with what is referred to as the broken record technique. For example: NARC: Isha, I'd like to talk about what happened between us. ISHA: I understand you'd like to talk about what happened between us, but I don't wish to discuss it. NARC: But Isha, there are some things I'd like to say ISHA: I understand there are some things you'd like to say but I don't wish to discuss it. And it if goes on for too long you respond: "I have made it clear I don't wish to discuss it, and at this juncture, I am beginning to feel as if I am in a hostile environment, I have made my boundaries very clear and you are violating them. I don't wish to have to take this further, so I am asking you to cease and desist what I now feel is harassment as I don't wish to discuss it." CASE CLOSED. Hugs!
Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
missindependent
missindependent's picture

Hi Michelle

Thank you so much for the advice. At first, I didn't think I was going to be able to ignore him. As time passes, I must say, I'm finding it easier to keep conversations with him strictly business. The hard part is seeing him "bait" other women in. I wish I could tell them what they are in for! No one should ever have to experience life with a narc. Part of me still wants to "help" him, but I know that isn't possible. I am such a compassionate, loving, and caring person that it's hard for me to see the bad in people. I always want to seek out the good and offer sympathy. In time and with the help of others on this forum, I believe I will learn to live again!
Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Isha

I can empathize with how hard it is to watch the train wreck in action over and over...just ignore. Like you understand, you can't help him and even if you tried, it would do so much damage to you. As for the other potential victims...intially, I too wanted to warn them, and it wasn't out of revenge it was because that pain was so soul destroying I didn't want my worst enemy to feel it. However, the narcs are such charmers and good at brainwashing, they know how to make us look crazy and all the victims will believe him and you'd lose even more. I had to reason with myself: "Hey, nobody warned me and I had to learn the hard way...so I guess they will have to suffer the same fate, because he's not worth me being on the receiving end of anymore abuse" ABUSE then from the people you try to warn who will humor him, and go back to report the "news" of what his "crazy" ex just said. Right now, all compassion and empathy goes on YOU! Hugs....
Apr 12 - 9AM
exhausted
exhausted's picture

Isha

I work with mine too. You can read my story. It may help you. I put my story up there when I first joined this site. That was awhile ago. I want to tell you that I am doing much better now. He walks past my office atleast 10 times a day. The first few weeks were awkward. I was not making eye contact and I was storming out of a room when he would enter it. I hated coming to work. I hated seeing him flirt with other girls in the office. Then I don't know what happened. I either just got used to it or I just got over it. I noe close my office door and listen to music so I don't have to hear his voice. I've stopped noticing his flirting. I know that I am here to work and I am in a much better place. He is and always will be miserable and I'm just very thankful that I got out of it. All I can tell you is that it is going to take time and a lot of effort on your part to start to see things differently. You need to change your routine at work and keep conversations strictly professional. It is hard to maintain NC when you have to see him everyday but you can do it. It is impossible to be total NC because it would just be weird and other people will notice it. You can however keep contact to a minimum. I still don't make eye contact and only talk to him if I have to. As soon as he asks me a personal question I stare at him l ike he's crazy and he gets the hint and leaves me alone. We are all here to help you. You're going to be ok.
Apr 12 - 8AM
missindependent
missindependent's picture

Thanks, Sara! At least you

Thanks, Sara! At least you work in two different departments. I'm on the same floor as mine so I see/hear him all day long. I am trying to be the more mature, responsible person, but sometimes it's hard. I just can't believe the way Ns act and treat people. It's so disgusting! He knows I'm onto him so he's been extremely rude to me. I have made it known that I'm aware that he's a narcissist and that he should seek help!! The sad part is, he actually admits to me now, that he knows he's a narcissist. They live such sad, sad lives. I will continue to stay strong and pray for all women out there who have experienced the same thing.
Apr 12 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Isha

If I worked on the same floor with my Narc I'm pretty sure one of us would be in jail by now!! HAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Read some posts that "Exhausted" has written. She works on the same floor with hers too. She had a tough time at first but she's doing great now and has learned to live with him and IGNORE him. He has started acting like a weirdo in the last month trying to talk to her and stalking her. He's a JERK! They are all JERK's! Good luck! I know it's hard but you can do it!
Apr 12 - 8AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

I feel your pain Isha

I work with my Narc too! The good part for me is we work in 2 totally different areas so I don't have to see him often. The only advice I can give you is to ignore him completely! Ignore anything he says good or bad. He will do things to make you mad and to get your attention. IGNORE IT! If you get upset go to the bathroom! If he sees he is getting to you he will only get worse. They are soulless bastards who thrive on causing pain!! Good luck! Sara