HELP! I AM STUPID! I knew it was coming cos I still open myself up to it...

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#1 Jul 6 - 1PM

Qing Yuan

HELP! I AM STUPID! I knew it was coming cos I still open myself up to it...

I opened myself up for more attack again today.
I am the weakness he despises in me todayâ€¦
I felt to depressed to move this morning. My three year old was jumping on me begging me to get out of bed but I weak, tired, strained.
I work so much and my job is demanding and when I am work I am putting on the best show I can. Inside I am breaking all the time.
He twists and turns my thoughts. I feel confused and screwed.
Today I feel like I cant even breathe properly.

He walsed into my house like he still lives here. I let him do it.
I have confused the situation with access to our son because I am a mess.
I canâ€™t manage anything right now let alone negotiations with him.

I am not gardening or tending to my chores, but just barely managing to make good food for my son and wash him. I failed to even clean his teeth today and its so fucked up to be so tired you cant care enough to make sure your son cleans his teeth. I love my son dearly and I try to be the best mum he has, he goes to great school and bf him in to toddler hood and co slept and given my son everything love could giveâ€¦ But lately I am next to useless. .

So when my husband gets here and surveys the situation he looks at me with contemptâ€¦

Questions are launched in between me walking away from him.
â€˜What has my son being doing with his dayâ€™, asking to see the childâ€™s drawings, checking up us, when my son can produce barely few more drawings that the ones he did yesterday I feel like I am on the stand in court. He then asks me to what we have done today over and over. Makes it into an inquisition.

I feel sick in my stomach, the attack has arrived. Subtle at first but more overt as it moves along. I had been dreading it all day.

I knew by the very fact that I am so drawn to dwell in place of mourning. He would come and see me and attack that in me.

He told me I needed to get it together for our son.

He is right on that front, but what he doesnâ€™t get as most of the time I am drilling through, tough as old boots, being mum, Gardner, cleaner, cook, adviser to disabled people, some with some pretty intense mental health issues. I am always working hard but sometimes I just fall into a pit of self -destruction. I wish I had some one kind to just hug me a bit or something.

I wanted him to just come round and take his son to the park to help me so I could have a break, but instead I opened myself up to his attack.

Yesterday I was sitting in a pub with a fiend, the first evening I have been out in ages, he calls half an hour after meeting my friend, to say, â€˜plans have changedâ€™, he needs to work, child doesnâ€™t want to go to his house, I have caused it and to come home, I have to come back to get our son. I have no choice and have to leave.

I feel totally sick, manipulated still.
I am exhausted.
I have finally lost the will to live.
I though it was better to face the attack tonight and have someone anyone to take my son out to run around than my son be subjected to me, my self pitying exhaustion until his bed time..

I am a bored of myself, self-pitying pathetic person I have become.
I wonder if I have any real friends left because of my misery story.
I hate being trapped in this non-life with narc husband.
Alas I am broke financially and have no means to get out.
I vowed to get some legal advice if I Can?
It needs to be a priority.
I must make more effort to get out of this dark stale death stench I call my life.
My son does need me to be healthier.
I am failing him.
Maybe even Narc husbad was right to tell me I was out of order but itâ€™s the way he used our son to do it. I felt humiliated and he got our baby to discuss in detail what he had done with his day. Until the child was playing the game too.
Its twisted and screwed and I afraid.
I am so afraid!!!!

#2 Jul 6 - 5PM

betty2020

Vix you have got to pull it

Vix you have got to pull it together for your son. You are not in a position to loose your will now. You have too much at stake. Stop ingesting the poison. He is a deadly poison and you keep drinking it down expecting that you wont fall ill to it. You will become only sicker if you continue. You need to find a way to go NC. At the very least limited contact for the child sake. If you have a family member or friend that can help you with this i would do that. He is working you over. Destroying you subtlety with his ambient abuse. Do not listen or believe what he says. Fight him off with all your power because he can no longer control you. You know what you have to do now. You have been here on this forum, listen to many wonderful people that have been through horrific experiences and survived. Their wisdom and encouragement is priceless. Take this education and run with it. Make a life for you and your son. You are far stronger than you think. it is only him that is trying to make you believe otherwise. And his opinion is delusional, distorted and wrong. He is a sick person. Dont forget that. We are all here and if it gets too bad contact lisa for my number. I will fly to you if you need me. Sending you a big big hug. xoxoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#3 Jul 6 - 5PM

betty2020

Vix you have got to pull it

Vix you have got to pull it together for your son. You are not in a position to loose your will now. You have too much at stake. Stop ingesting the poison. He is a deadly poison and you keep drinking it down expecting that you wont fall ill. You will become only sicker if you continue. You need to find a way to go NC. At the very least limited contact for the child sake. If you have a family member or friend that can help you with this i would do that. He is working you over. Destroying you subtlety with his ambient abuse. Do not listen or believe what he says. Fight him off with all your power because he can no longer control you. You know what you have to do now. You have been here on this forum, listen to many wonderful people that have been through horrific experiences and survived. Their wisdom and encouragement is priceless. Take this education and run with it. Make a life for you and your son. You are far stronger than you think. it is only him that is trying to make you believe otherwise. And his opinion is delusional, distorted and wrong. He is a sick person. Dont forget that. We are all here and if it gets too bad contact lisa for my number. I will fly to you if you need me. Sending you a big big hug. xoxoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#4 Jul 6 - 4PM

Scoop

I went into the place youre

I went into the place youre at ...to you from one hippy british chick to another ...stop and breath .... You know this bull shit attitude that is the anorcist , squat taking rage against the system bull shit bollocks that they come out with ,well it is what it is ...bollocks, im tying to find the word but you get the sentiment , they are not gods , they are not anything , just jumped up little freaks with dedlocks who think they are something but realy they are , a stupid little boy who needs to get real ... strip it all down girlfrined .. dont give in to trauma bonding ... you are strong , beautiful goddess .. dont let the pricks drag you down .. its just stage , it will get better , dig deep . xx

#5 Jul 6 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

Qing Yuan

Thanks scoop! Thanks do

Thanks scoop! Thanks do much! It really helps! You got him down hon! He talks total detritus! I'm fed up I feel like my frigging ears are bleeding from the bullshit he keeps feeding me about this conspiracy and that political agenda! I just do av 2 dig pretty deap on this one! But thanks so much for that! I felt really understood because yea, stupid anarcic paranoid bas88rd he is thinks he such a clever dik but he knows only wat some otha narc wanker puts out there for him to lap up! It's tiring isn't it??? If it wasn't for my son AND the v important life lessons I know I must learn this time!!! I would pray everyday that I never invited him to my exhibition five years ago!!! I wish I never met him! Thanks scoop! It feels so good to be understood!

#6 Jul 6 - 4PM

Lisa E. Scott

Vix

Oh, I wish I was there to give you a big hug right now. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You are dealing with SO much at one time and have NO help. I can't imagine! I wish we lived closer so I could offer help. I know we all would. Your narc is unbelievable for trying to make you feel guilty. It's his fault he couldn't take him for the scheduled night he was supposed to have him! What an ass. Please know we are here for you. You are not alone. xoxo

#7 Jul 6 - 1PM

trying2overcome

P.S.

oh, and I forgot .. he is also right. Asking for help is not weakness and doesn't make you a bad Mom but a smart one. Who in this world has not needed help at some point? If I was near, I would come over and help you pick yourself up and help with your son!! But if you have someone near and dear, let them help out!! xxoo

#8 Jul 6 - 1PM

trying2overcome

NinjaGirl is RIGHT!!!

This is why NinjaGirl kicks Ass!!! She is right .. do not make yourself the enemy here. He would LOVE that!! Stay focused on who is who .. he is the enemy and it sounds like he is the typical manipulating pc of crap the rest are. YOU are wonderful and a good mother .. Please don't doubt yourself because you are having a bad day! You need to pull yourself up by your boot straps (as they say) and set some boundries .. the first of which needs to be (echoing NinjaGirl) change the locks and do NOT let him come and go as he pleases!! He will manipulate you until there is nothing left and I know that you know this deep inside!! Secondly, Please do not let him manipulate and question your son about you. He is undermining you with him as well. I would say he should have set times (maybe he does) with your son OUTSIDE the home and not allow any group time with the 3 of you so he can spew his venom at you in front of your son! Love yourself, please don't beat yourself up. It broke my heart to read your post and hear the anguish and hurt and desparation .. been there, got the T-shirt!!! you can do it, and I too wish I could give you a hug!! I am hugging you in my heart .. you need to hug yourself!! I have read on here the best revenge is a well lived life .. everytime he sees you like this you are giving him supply for days!!! pick yourself up and fake it if you have to .. dont give his sorry ass the satisfaction!!! We all love you!!!! xxxooo

#9 Jul 6 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

Qing Yuan

Thanks so much for your kindness

YOU R all so full of love. thanks for that. I have no one near who can help me that way. My mother cant get her head round it and I dont want to worry her. She is getting older and doesn't need it, she prob needs a rest from the drama of my stupid relationships. She lives an hour away by car too. I dont drive. Family all live miles away.. I have no one to baby sit. Its tough but its how it is. I usually do a brilliant job of getting through the day and he never see me like that so much anymore. But today I literally had no energy to drag myself out of bed. I made breaskfast and lunch and made spinach friands and salad for our main meal, I cleaned the kitchen, I filled up the sand pit with water for my son to play in the sun outside. WE read books togther so I know I wasnt useless BUT I did the minumum. and I allowed a pyschic window to open between him and me to attack my weakness. To think that if he was a compassionate person he would have seen how exhausted I was and tried to reach out with kindness. He is pure evil to attack me in that way. I see it but its just so twisted its so insane mamking when your so deeply entwined in it.. But, I cant change the locks. Its complicated. Its to do with how much this house costs and how much money I need him to give me to keep the roof ouver our heads. he threatens ot remove support all the time.. He would just change locks back again too. After I first asked him to leave over a year ago, i went away to stay with friends to get some space. While I was away he changed the locks to kick up a massive fuss. Then when I got back he said he did it to get his stuff but it was all a massive act to make a massive dramatic fuss to show me the power was his and not mine. He is a childish d**k. Thanks all for your kind words. I feel your cyber hugs and it hleped so much. I need to get a solicitor and take 'stalking the soul' book with me to get one that can represent me in battle with potetailly dangerous narc husband. I have been passive for a while. Reading the stories on NC is what keeps me going.. Thanks all. X

#10 Jul 6 - 1PM

wholeagain

Vix

I'm sorry you're in such pain :( Is there any type of counseling you can get, even short term to help you through a crisis period? For what it's worth, whenever I've been in an emotional abyss I make myself do one small thing. Wash a dish, or put a load of laundry in. Something fast and easy. Then once that's done, another small thing. Then a reward, like a cup of tea. It seems like if I can just do one thing, I can start to pull myself up a little or a lot. Break the cycle of beating myself up. It goes without saying that NC will help you greatly, and if you can make that contact with a lawyer maybe you can get that intervention in place. You do need to be there for your son but you don't need that man telling you anything. He seems determined to make you less for your son even while he's saying the opposite. Find a little seed of anger there if you can and let it grow. Hang in there, big virtual hug.

#11 Jul 6 - 1PM

Steph

Oh I wish I was there to

Oh I wish I was there to give you that hug you crave and deserve! You are clearly overwhelmed. I can't imagine (I don't have kids) having to deal with SO much at one time and having NO help. Do you have family nearby? And that asshole has a lot of nerve making you feel guilty - he couldn't even handle having your son for the scheduled night he was supposed to have him?? Give me a break. Did he know you were out at a pub that night? That is probably the real reason "plans changed". I am so so sorry. You need a break. If I was there, I'd babysit (if you'd let me lol) and send you to a day spa. I know that won't fix everything....just sayin. Are you in therapy? Are you on antidepressants?( if you believe in them, if not, forget I said that lol). You sound quite depressed and that can make everything SO much worse. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can and anybody with as much shit on their plate as you and having to deal with a exN, would reach a breaking point. I wish I could do something for you. All I can do is send you a computer hug and send prayers and warm thoughts your way. Keep posting:) xoxo

#12 Jul 6 - 1PM

NinjaGirl

Sweetie

There are a lot of things here that I don't feel equipped to reply to, but I do want to say a few things: 1. I don't ever want to see you calling yourself names, ok? And I don't want you calling yourself names, even if you don't put it down in words. No more putting yourself down. You can't adequately deal with all of this if you become your own enemy as well. You need to be strong for yourself and your son, and that means being good to yourself first and foremost. 2. Change the locks. If he no longer lives there, he has no right to just enter whenever he pleases. 3. Please consider outside help, at least for now. Do you have family or friends who could come stay with you and help you take care of yourself and your son? It doesn't mean you're a failure or that you can't take care of your son. We ALL need help from time to time. I wish I could give you a hug, but I have no idea where you live, so you'll have to accept a virtual one. Please please please get some temporary help, even if it just means someone to stay with you and help with your son if necessary. This does NOT make you a bad mom, and your son's teeth aren't going to rot out if they go a day or so without brushing. You're a very capable person, even if you don't believe it right now, but it sounds like you could use someone to lean on. And not the narc. You have a lot on your plate, and you're very intelligent. But the greatest people in the world can't do it all alone.

#13 Jul 6 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

MsVulcan500

Vix,

Don't beat yourself up for having a bad day. You are a good mom and you love your son. Even when we are not going through all that you are going through we have days where not as much gets done as it should. You feed your son, you read to him, you play with him. So you didn't brush his teeth one day. That will not make his teeth fall out of his head. You are doing a fine job, and your prick ex is full of crap. He has no right to condemn you for how you are taking care of your son. He does not know. And he couldn't do it, I guarantee it. Just tell yourself you are going to have a good day and do your damndest to do it. And if you fall a little short, well, we all do sometimes. If your son is fed and clean (relatively) you're doing fine.

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