Help - has this ever happened to you?

Long story short, I broke NC (KILL ME KNOW).

After about a month since we broke up and bouts of NC lasting up to 2 weeks (I've could've gone much longer but I caved, relapsed... I'm not proud of myself) I answered my ex's phone call and we talked for over an hour.

Basically, he continued his pleas for non-hostility, wants to "have me in his life somehow" and how much he has been worrying about me - can't sleep at night/having bad dreams, how he needs to work on himself, how he needs to "marry one of the girls he is dating" eventually, and talked about his ex, his ex, and more about his ex.

I know I should have ignored his phone call but I am sort of glad I didn't. I gave it to him. I basically called him out on his manipulation, mirroring, being "high"/drunk and acting like a douchebag, never being there for me, never answering my phone calls, lying (which he denied) cheating (which he denied), texting/calling other girls (which he denied), his emotional immaturity, his history of idealizing, devaluing & discarding girls.

The funny thing is, he didn't deny most of his Narcissism tendencies and just said that those were things he needed to work on and that he is not perfect (he apologized but I know it's not sincere). SHOCKER! Then told me, HE NEEDS ME IN HIS LIFE TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON. I said don't you think that request is SELFISH? So now I have to be his fucking therapist??!! I said, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT ME? What point of me NOT CONTACTING you don't you understand?!!!

It felt EMPOWERING TO EXPOSE HIM. Also, I realized this BOY has just way too much baggage. And I carried it for a long time. This conversation put me over the top, now I see him as a PATHETIC FAKE FRAUD PHONY who is weak. I finally believe I am stronger and better than him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His Ex issues are unbelievable. His ex contacts him all the time (even though he broke up with her over 5 years ago), even though she has a boyfriend, saying that she misses him, is waiting for him to get back together, and is unhappy with her life and wishes things were different. He never moved on since and has been completely emotionally unavailable. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THESE EX ISSUES?

I'm NOT going to be another "A" (his ex's last name). I feel like a trapped bird in a cage. I'm escaping and you, my N ex, are NEVER going to clip my wings. I'm GOING to move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have to start NC all over again. Sometimes you need the final straw....

I know I'm preaching to the choir - but please advise. I need some support!

Hermes's picture

I left ex-NH (at a stage when I knew nothing of NPD or anything like it). All I knew was that as far as I could see he had gone crazy. It was horrifying. I was gone for a year. It was quite chaotic, as I had my clothes and little else. Yes! So, fast forward, he says he wants us to try again, so I say yes, but you will visit a psych with me (me still not knowing anything about NPD). He agrees. We get first appointment with the psych, and another. During which session N never shut his mouth except to berate and rage, at me. In the presence of psych! And this is the guy who wants me to return! Fast forward again. I see psych on my own and he tells me the diagnosis on ex. NPD. He might as well have said he had Martian measles. I know I just gaped, and asked the psych to explain, which he did in broad outline. Three weeks later I was gone again, for good. But this time I was in better shape, and yet it was devastating. Incredible. Not for real. Hermes
narcissizednomore's picture

If it helps you, I heard the very same words from the N I knew. "you make me a better person"...ya what a joke. As if we need to live with that emotional guilt. I say fuck 'em. Go figure out how to 'be' on your own. Quit using people for their emotions. What you heard is no different than what we've all heard. They are text book and they are disordered. Not your fault. You don't owe him anything. Stay strong and NC and get on with your healing.

narcissizednomore

a65703's picture

What a selfish thing for a Narcissist to say: I need you in my life to help me become a better person. I am staying strong and recommitting to NC. I only relapse when he contacts me and when he does it feels like my whole world is shattering. Subconsciously and deep down in my heart, I know INITIATING contact =pain but now I am realizing RESPONDING to the Narcissist = pain too. I have too much pride to contact him FIRST, but when he contacts/hoovers I wind up feeling guilty and respond. NO MORE!!! xx
empath's picture

You got it! So proud of you for recommitting to NC. Now you know why the last time really is the last time. He is disordered and you do not have to go back into his crazy effed up world anymore. You are not someone's "backup" or their therapist! Even highly trained psychologists cannot cure NPD, he is hopeless...you are not hopeless. You should thank God that you got yourself away and can now finally feel what its like to bee hopeful...for your own future, narc-free!
a65703's picture

Thanks for your positive, reassuring comment empath!! As I got off the phone with him, I thought "I am STRONGER and BETTER than him!" Everyone kept telling me that when I was with him but I never believed it. In those bouts of NC, I learned to achieve inner peace and reflected the time/energy I wasted thinking about him on other things such as work. It sucks when you break NC, it's like you have to start up the old engine again, face those feelings again...it's like he just broke up with you again yesterday and you have to mark Day 1 NC again.....
rosedewittbukater's picture

Now you can go NC and mean it. Maybe this was necessary? I know in my own situation I had to give xN a piece of my mind and be clear about how despicable her behavior had been. Once I had done this (I sent a letter because unlike yours mine would have hung up on me or walked away after the first sentence if I would have tried to do it any other way) I was finally ready to leave, though I had a couple "relapses" with NC later. Unmasking them can sometimes make things worse (on you) but in your case it doesn't sound like he is the really vindictive kind. I am actually shocked that you got an apology (albeit insincere) because they believe they are entitled to everything and rarely if ever apologize for anything. He doesn't need you to be a "better person". They "need" people to use. You are not his therapist, nor should you be. A healthy partner does not need to be "fixed" or "need someone to make them better". Start NC anew right now and move forward as you said. You can do it! hugs, Rose
a65703's picture

I don't really think me giving my N Ex a piece of my mind was even necessary! I was minding my P's and Q's recovering, albeit little by little each day but I was surviving and realizing, I didn't need him after all! But I just blew up on the telephone because I was tired of "pretending" everything was OK between us and that he was "perfect". I needed to just stand up for myself and bare my soul out, without manipulative intentions like a N would do. I did unmask him after all I guess, I never realized that. However I do feel if I ever EXPOSED him in public or reached out to his new NS, he would become vindictive. SPREAD LIES ABOUT ME, TELL MY PARENTS UNCOMPROMISING THINGS ABOUT ME, SHOW UNCOMPROMISING PICTURES ABOUT ME, ETC. and I fear that...... I know it's all BS, the whole "I need you to become a better person" line. Isn't that some crappy line guys use in unrealistic romantic movies? I am MOVING FORWARD!! I googled: WHY DO NARCISSISTS COME BACK and I found an answer on Wiki Answers that will stay with me forever: "Back is the keyword here, they can't go forward properly so back is inevitable."
Layla's picture

If they will allow themselves to be, including YOU, he will continue to use old supply when supply is low or non-existant. And this ex that is "contacting him" because she is supposedly so unhappy? He is contacting HER. You will be one of his back burner supplies forever and ever if you choose to be. Or, you will be rid of him forever and move on to health and happiness by maintaining NC. Yes, sometimes we need that "final straw" in fact, we all have a final straw. He will never change. How he is today, is how he will ALWAYS be. Believe it. Back on the horse sister, ride away from this non-human. love~ Layla
a65703's picture

I knew it. After I got off the phone, I thought about things. Everything he says, is probably just the opposite in reality. This is the guy that thinks every women AND probably male is "IN LOVE WITH HIM". So really he is contacting her and HE IS BASKING IN GLORY everytime she responds with NS. He loves it, even though he told me he didn't. I am not going to be another "EX" like HER. "He will never change. How he is today, is how he will ALWAYS be. Believe it." - Layla Good quote, I will add it to my N journal!!
WiltedRose's picture

but sometimes you just have to reload *one* *more* *time*, and let 'er rip. You'll probably find it easier to go NC this time around and stick to it, now that you've gotten that off of your chest!
a65703's picture

You have no idea... NC is easy for me. Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 they just fly by. I don't seem to have trouble with that. It's just a shit ton of emotional bricks comes back and fits you in the face, the terrors of the emotional holocaust come back and haunt you, those things are the worst things with restarting NC! But I feel better every second, minute, hour, day, week with NC! Time really does heal.... You know what is funny, after I told him everything he did to me and how he needed to change - I got sort of worried! I thought, oh no, maybe he is going to take what I said to heart and "change", "get better" and "commit" but then I realized, he is a Narcissist. After he hung up with me, he probably called his Ex or new GF and they told him how "WONDERFUL/SEXY/AMAZING/FUNNY/WHAT A GOOD CAR SALESMAN HE IS/HOW GOOD HE IS IN BED/HOW MUCH THEY MISS HIM/ETC" and he got his "fix". I did give him a "fix" albeit a negative but still NS.
ReclaimingPower's picture

Do you think they are all in some sort of sales jobs or is that just a coincidence? And I did the same thing -- except I got it all out in a note and then blocked. I didn't want to give him one more opportunity to twist and turn and gaslight his way out of it yet again. GOOD FOR YOU! :)
rosedewittbukater's picture

You have a point. Had I not done this I could not have made it to the point where I am today. Calling the N out on all their damaging hurtful behavior can be a good thing, (and let me be clear this is for YOU not for them) as long as you commit to total NC after you have gotten if off your chest. Just my two cents. xx, Rose
a65703's picture

I am - one thing I am not in a hypocrite! I made a mistake of breaking NC, and that was a promise I kept to myself - but I can live with myself and forgive myself because I know that ANY CONTACT is pain. My brain gets it now!!! My heart gets it now!!! ww
ruby01's picture

I finally believe I am stronger and better than him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and again, I finally believe I am stronger and better than him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and again, I finally believe I am stronger and better than him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK YOU'RE ON TO SOMETHING HERE! XXX, Ruby
a65703's picture

you got it girl!!! Deep down inside, I am better. He may have more money than me or whatever, but he has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, yes I said that, and I have more emotional maturity in my pinky that what he will ever have in his entire life - past, current and future! I'm a survivor (currently dealing with two N's - my ex who I write about here and my mum as well who I realized is a passive-aggressive N after dealing with my ex - now I know why I met and was with my ex everything happens for a reason), we are all survivor here.
narcissizednomore's picture

Ya, that's the slogan we all need to adopt. Love it!!!

narcissizednomore

Layla's picture

: ))) love~ Layla
ReclaimingPower's picture

...is that I will never settle for anybody that needs "fixing" again. No separated men, no baggage, nothing. I don't care how attractive or cute they are, if I start to hear a sob story or I see red flags in their character, I'm done and NOT making excuses. I went on a date with this guy I thought was so attractive for the longest time recently and I was shocked to hear him trash a fellow friend he was in a relationship with for a year. ONE date with him and he was telling me how she had an alcohol problem, and sharing all these personal things about her. Prior to the Narc experience, I might have overlooked that character flaw and thought he was trusting me with information, but NOW, UGH!!!!!!!!!! Disgusting!