Help! 5 months of NC and a big drink tonight is giving me amnesia!

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#1 Oct 22 - 11PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Help! 5 months of NC and a big drink tonight is giving me amnesia!

I did something stupid today- I asked a friend who knows his friend - if she had seen him or heard about him- snooping! I have not done this in many many weeks.

She filled me in on the latest. She even told me what my Narc said about our relationship. "it was the best sex and it is too bad it did not work out, we fought all the time".

ya know why we fought- because the last many years of up and down and hot and cold- I got stronger motherfucker and called you out on your N behavior. I was a doormat no more. I saw and experienced your sickness and said No More. and this is probably why our sex was so so so good.

but all this talk with my friend led me to look on FB which led me to more info....and the info. surprisingly was that he was not with the OW I feared ( my friend), but another- who it is clear he is not in love with

so here I am tonight, a big drink of vodka. snooping. and now in stupid dumb fantasy amnesia mode. I actually thought of calling him to demand he come over for sex.

and it would be so hot.

don't argue with this please. It is a given for us. it is hot....BUT

the CRASH would be HUGE. Dark, depressing, loss of self esteem, loss of dignity, my words mean nothing to me or to him, I start back at DAY FUCKING 1....I lose credibility with my little girl inside who needs so much protecting.

so I am posting here instead. to get reinforcement. Ya see- this is the strongest addiction I have ever faced- and I know I would have 2 hours of bliss naked with him...but I need to be reminded of the weeks, months, of pure hell that would come after.

My dignity, My soul, my heart is at stake.

#2 Oct 23 - 2PM

ruby01 (not verified)

strivingforhealing

Come on girl! I think a lot of it at this point is the fact that the lack of sex is getting to us. Not so much them personally. It's never a good idea to just jump from one guy to another, but waiting 18 months.............ouch! Hang in there, xxxx Ruby

#3 Oct 23 - 2AM

rosedewittbukater

Say no to the heroin

"I got stronger motherfucker and called you out on your N behavior." Yaaah! That's what I like to hear!! I am going to quote you back to you, Striving. Is 3 hours of a potential high worth this? No No No No No No No No No No No No No. protect that little one! She needs you. xx, Rose

#4 Oct 23 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

Thank you Rose. I protected my little girl and did not call!

Instead I ate a whole pizza and watched Saturday Night Live. and the craving passed! I just knew I needed to post here, get out all the feelings and white knuckle it for a while. I AM angry at myself for snooping. No good came from it at all. In fact- it totally put me off center. Why do we do these silly hurtful things to ourselves? I knew asking questions about him would only bring on angst and obsession...but once I asked the first question- it was like a dam breaking....just like an alcoholic not being able to have just one drink. well, instead of drinking the whole bottle, I switched to pizza! Thank God for that...At least Pizza won't kill me and leave me in the gutter like he would.

#5 Oct 23 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Hunter

Its OK but you're still not

Its OK but you're still not out of the woods so don't snoop.. You did a god job!! I hop that Pizza was YUMMY! Hunter

#6 Oct 22 - 11PM

Syren66 (not verified)

Ya went to the dark place,

Ya went to the dark place, baby girl...see for me, it would be hot too...for 2 minutes, if memory serves...hardly worth the 15 minutes it would take to shave my legs in preparation. ANYway, I digress....DO NOT call him...DO NOT call him...DO NOT call him...post some really insulting shit here and let's laugh at him instead! :D

#7 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

Lisa87

Been to that dark place...stay away!!!

Listen to Syren, come on here and post, something insulting about him (I like that) you are doing the right thing. i was tipsy last time and was on phone with a male friend who was ready to come over to block the ExN from coming over for sex. i wanted the cuddling and warm body too and I got it, few hours I felt safe and protected only to be Narc'd the next day. It is quicker and worse each time. Ok my narc had 4 moles on his face and some sort of tumorish things on his head and back..actually they had gotten so bad he now needs surgery!! They are just growths, not cancerous...he is also a bit hairy down below and has a flat ass! He is now attending swinger parties and going to sex clubs!! I just imagine seeing the gross bodies and have to laugh. i can almost bet its not like a porno film or a beach in CA where you see hot bodies!!! UGH!!!

#8 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #9)

Syren66 (not verified)

LMAOOOOO

The ex had a mole on his forehead...and a whole shitload on his back...these guys might be related...or else we screwed the same guy... :?

#9 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #10)

Lisa87

lmao

nope not same guy, he is not a cop, no moles on his forhead, just near his nose..and those freakin growths got to be the size of an egg the last time. Oh, he had an appt with the plastic surgeon and said I should go with him cause he wants me to get breast implants, I always said no mine are fine..but now I wish i took him for whatever, but then he would have had more control over me, oh look at lisa's boobs, they are mine, I paid for them..ugh! I told him i wanted lypo instead...but never got to the appt...lol.

#10 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

something really insulting:

he thinks he knows so so much about animal behavior- he spouts all this philosophical shit. but when I ask him to put it into practical use- working with dogs, etc. - he goes dumb. he cannot put into action what he spouts out of his mouth and he ends up shouting at the dog, shouting at the owner, kicking the dog- and he comes away looking like a fool. He ain't no Dog Whisperer. ok- this just made me laugh and turned down the "hot" button in my privates :)

#11 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

Syren66 (not verified)

oh, one of "those", eh? Yah,

oh, one of "those", eh? Yah, the ex's name was Frank...he referred to himself as St. Francis (patron saint of animals)...bragged about how he was the only one on patrol that could calm a vicious dog (I guess it takes one to know one, yes?)...sorry, never saw that with our own dogs...when we'd argue, the dogs ALWAYS came over and laid at my feet...used to piss him off to no end. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! What else ya got? Lazy eye? Limp? Stutter? Let's hear it! :D

#12 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

its more subtle and insidious-

he looked so cool to the outside world. really. a helper. a giver, a smart unique thinker....but he did things that were so so predictably rude and self centered that once you saw them- you would just know he was a total FAKE. and this is what I need to keep in my vision when I have amnesia over the great sex. he lived a lie. and when I see the truth- I am EMBARRESED for him.

#13 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

foreverfun1

even if he is good in bed, he

even if he is good in bed, he has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old so i know you don't want to sleep with a 2 year old

#14 Oct 23 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

ready2receive

Gross but helpful

That's a good way to look at it, Foreverfun!!! That will help me through my next bout of missing the sex. Thanks!

#15 Oct 23 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

Lisa87

good for you striving!

they are liars and fakes, mine was a complete manipulative fake, put on such a grand act of kindness all the time. Lied to my face over and over and over and then would pledge his love to me. his lies were so believable it was amazing, he has been doing it his whole life i'm sure. have sex with BOB (battery operated boyfriend) as my friend would put it. I know its not the same but just pretend you have a hot warm bod next to you!

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