a heavy heart

10 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 8 - 7AM

Mariline

a heavy heart

Sorry girls. Today I have a heavy heart. I was doing so well , then he wrote two stupid lines on FB to one of my friends telling him that he still loved me and that I was "stubborn".

After two months of NC and after going with another woman on FB three days after I left him?

Two stupid lines on FB. Cheap and lazy.

This is all I am worth of.

#2 Sep 9 - 10AM

Mariline

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your responses. Really. I would have preferred a million times his silence. First of all, I have already blocked him on FB from day one, but I cannot block all my friends also who still have him in their contacts list. He wrote to a friend of mine (who did not treat him very well and apologized for telling me about his message, because he imagined it could hurt but he was not sure if I wanted to know about it or not. I would have preferred his silence because the word "love", as AgnesMurphy wrote, is particularly offensive in this context. He wanted to marry me, he even wanted a child. Oh, I thank the inventor of contraceptives, blessed be him for eternity. Love? I loved him. I would have climbed the Appennines with bare feet for him. I blocked him from my email. If he blocked me, in order to communicate with him I would have used EVERYTHING including smoke signals and travelling pidgeons. Because if you want something you act according to it. In MY world. But he LOVES me and comes to my house preventing my child from eating, never paying or rarely and only for hIS OWN stuff, he does not have a decent plan for the future and hE LOVES ME? Thank God he does not hate me, because in that case..... He loves me and all he manages to do in two months is writing two cheap, lazy and miserable lines. And he wanted to marry me. It's ironical, I left him because I saw ALL the red flags flapping directly in my face, I have never contacted him and NEVER WILL and this is a certainty, but I am also the one who is crying. I have really loved him. My heart is wounded and lonely. I will never contact him, and never forgive him for being such a selfish child ( at 61 yrs old). They are still beautiful and charming at 61 yrs old. But it's always the same crap. It smells the same.

#3 Sep 9 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

Briseis

This is such an important

This is such an important thing for you to realize, at this point in your healing. Who you give "permission" to, to tell you who you are, is critical. We all do it. I let my boss and several more experiences nurses be "experts" in judging my abilities and techniques. I let more experiences farmers "judge" the health of my animals and the way I manage them. But I rarely, RARELY (anymore) give anyone permission to judge my WORTH as a human being. Naturally, I am affected strongly by what other people think of me. I'm human! It's just the way we are. So I'm going along, and I overhear a negative judgment of me. I am hurt. Of course I am. But then, more thoughts come pouring into my head. I am consciously doing this, mind you. Do I respect this person? Do I believe they are kind and generous and really know me? Do they seem to have my best interests more or less in mind? If not . . . FAIL!! LOL. I don't give them permission. It doesn't mean I go around never feeling hurt. I am hurt, each and every time. I just don't go down the rabbit hole, you know? I can put it in perspective and not let it really get to me, so that I'm depressed and crying or doing something else destructive (like overeating, I'm a good one for that too). I can't NOT be hurt, but I am not SO hurt. I hope this makes sense. Dammit, I have the perfect right to reject any definition of me that I don't like. ANd you know what? I can even be WRONG. Because it's MY decision!! It's my life!! This is one of the treasures I've unearthed in the aftermath of my relationship with my exNarc. You are right there, Mariline. Try and grab onto this one and work with it! You won't feel better over night, but you will be "ready" for the next one, and you'll deal with that one better. I find for myself, it takes a longish time :( but it really works, I swear it :) And most importantly, it is TRUE. No one has the right to tell me who I am, no one. Only *I* give them that right. And I only give it to those I choose. And it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong!! It's my choice, no matter what :)

#4 Sep 9 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

Mariline

And from the moment I heard

And from the moment I heard about this I have been eating like crazy, I feel like I have to vomit but I cannot stop, and I cannot sleep either. All this for a piece of crap. I will have to workout for six months after this. But who cares? If I am fat and ugly at least no man will ever come near me, and I will be safe.

#5 Sep 9 - 6AM

agnesmurphy17

worth

Well, I do know how you feel. And, actually, the so-called relationship was not worth much to him. This has been hard for me to accept. I was married to my N. He replaced me immediately, the weekend I left him. And I thought maybe we could work it out after a break. Silly me! Mine had had two women move in & out in the 12 months after I left him. he was engaged to another even beofre we were divorced. Me, I have not been on a date since I left him almost 18 months ago! But, he was DEVASTATED by my cruel abandonment. The insult is that he says he "still loves you" & that others may actually believe this. It shifts the burden to you in their minds. Makes him the victim. And YOU are the victim here. I agree, block FB. Why subject yourself to further abuse? He's still trying to manipulate you.

#6 Sep 8 - 11PM

wholeagain

Ms. Mariline

I second/third what the wise women here are saying about the fact that his opinion is meaningless. Please, please block him on FB so you don't see any of his comments, and also tell your friend that you don't want to know anything he says. Now's the time to protect yourself with the utmost care. FB was my last leak in NC. I promise you--promise you--that when you plug that leak you'll start to feel lighter and better. I thought I was reading his comments because I needed to know what he was "up to" or because they were "fascinating" (which, admittedly, they were in a clinical sense). But they still had the power to sting me or push back my recovery and I had to give up that self punishment. I can't afford to care what lie he's telling today so that he can live with his sorry self. I also had to prepare myself that any mutual friends we had might decide to support him or believe what he has to say, or give him a forum for venting his crap. And if so, they are out of my life, bless them but I can't allow that into my fragile recovery. Wishing you a better day today darlin. You deserve it.

#7 Sep 8 - 1PM

Briseis

Mariline!!! You are letting

Mariline!!! You are letting that sack of crap dictate what you are worth of? I think when we let someone get so close and intimate with us we naturally give them "permission" to tell us who or what we are. It's just how we are in relationships. But some relationships are BAD relationships! If you have a parasite, you have a relationship with the parasite. It is in your body, therefore, intimately close to you. But does that give your PARASITE permission to tell you who you are? That you are a yummy source of food and protection and that's it? Gross metaphor, I know lol! Your exNarc is the LAST person on Planet Earth with the right to define who you are. The way he treats you is NOT a measure of your worth as a person!!! THe way he treated you is like a parasite, a tapeworm living in your guts. You owe him a big dose of dewormer lol! He will treat every woman he's with like a parasite till the day he dies or gets a personality transplant. It's not YOU. It's HIM. It's time for you to realize this, and that you are the one who determines your worth as a person. And it's time to realize there are bad people out there and they are the LAST people for you to give permission to define your worth. In the meantime, like Ninjagirl says, block him. Take care of yourself!! That means stop yourself from getting more worms LOL. Do what you must to keep him out, whatever it takes. THis has hurt you very much, so be kind to yourself and prevent the hurt, OK? (((((hugs)))))

#8 Sep 8 - 8AM

NinjaGirl

Block him on Facebok and

Block him on Facebok and move on, honey. Blocking my ex on Facebook was one of the smartest things I ever did. I don't regret it for a second. And just why are you determining your worth based on HIS opinion? Come ON! You are SO much stronger and smarter than that. What are you really worth? I personally think a hell of a lot, but it's far more important that YOU know what you're worth. You can't control what others think about you, but you can control what you think about yourself.

#9 Sep 8 - 8AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Chin up Mariline

So sorry you have a heavy heart today. Maybe you should stay away from facebook. NC is very important, any little thing in the early days can trigger you. Two months NC is fabulous but you are still healing. He knew that there was a good chance that you would see his comment on facebook and he is just trying to get a foot in the door but it has shook you up and I know just how you feel. I have been 6 months NC and I am doing fantastic but even now if I bump into people that know him I feel hurt and upset. Take care of you today. God bless

#10 Sep 9 - 1AM (Reply to #2)

alma25

Mariline

Personally I noticed you some time ago on this forum also because of your picture. I really love it. I also love the word basta and that was exactly the first word I said when I felt that enough is enough and it's time to clean all this mess he did. So what can I tell you: basta. Block him on FB. I also did it and now it's better. I don't wonder what he does and with whom and what he thinks about me. It's not your problem what he thinks.Who cares? Only the opinions of wise and valuable people really count.Not his. You're stubborn? And if so? Great! I am stubborn too. Instead of giving his opinions concerning your person he should start worry about himself. The only way to stop worry and getting upset is to delete him completely from your life. Unfortunately there is no other possible way. You're sad and upset because we always worry about what the people who we care about think about us. But his opinion means nothing. Block him and take care of yourself. You're a strong, beautiful woman. Don't let him still have control over you. Hugs

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