Heart hurting again.

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#1 Jan 15 - 11AM
Healingslowly_b...
Healingslowly_but getting there's picture

Heart hurting again.

Today I was talking to an old friend abut what had happened in the last five years since I had seen them. I explained all about the narc and told them everything that had happened to me - just in the way I did on the 'share you story' section on here really. They said that they think that he must have had some real feelings for me because of all the good things he did for me and that he married and took on my children. I asked how someone who could love you and marry you could 10 months later turn into a monster who could be so cruel, and lie so very much and call me horrific names. They couldn't answer me.

I just don't understand this. I never changed. Well maybe just got quieter and less confident but never changed the caring loving honest woman I am and I never ever did anything to deserve this. I'm sorry for just rambling on but I'm just sat here crying and trying to understand it all. How can someone love you and hate you at the same time, especially when all you have done is love them so much.I am still in NC and he has text to say all the 'right' things and I don't respond, I just delete,delete,delete. Just a bad day I guess.

Jan 16 - 4PM
Healingslowly_b...
Healingslowly_but getting there's picture

You lovely lovely people

I feel so blessed to have you all on here. You make me see things so clearly again. I have had a good day today. My boss even called me into his office, sat me down and said ' You're back again Rach aren't you? It's so good to see the real you again' I felt amazing cos I really have not been able to concentrate at work since the narc left and all the awful things happened back in October. People are seeing me emerging again and becoming sort of the person I was before I met him and he stripped all my self esteem.I know I have along way to go and bad days will come but today is a good day. I took the children out for dinner this evening , just to pizza hut, and we had a real laugh. I couldn't have done that a few weeks ago. Thanks again guys. You really are my angels xxxxx
Jan 15 - 9PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Keep the NC going....you're

Keep the NC going....you're doing great!!!!! This Narc disorder is very hard to understand...I watched hours of Sam Vaknin youtube videos...there are tons..on many subjects...If you have a question you find the topic and click on it and he tells you about it...he clarified a lot for me.... I dont even bother talking about him anymore to my family and friends....they just dont get it...I was told to get over it already... or Im f'd up...or obsessed...so I just come on here now....thank God for this forum NC....best thing ever!!!!
Jan 15 - 9PM
Dee30
Dee30's picture

They won't understand

Trying to explain to friends and such what you are going through is pretty frustrating. I agree with one of the others have mentioned that it will make you feel like you are the one off balanced. I tried my best to explain to my friends what I was going through most of the time they think I'm being melodramatic and "oh Dee just move on" they don't understand how damaging to the psyche it is being with a narc. I have so much have given up explaining to them wht I am going through. Express your feelings here, to someone who has been through it or a therapist. Quite honestly, you really ca't understand it unless you have been through it. I know my friends sometimes say to me well ur exhusband really loves u because thats what he tells them. Meanwhile he does character assassination on me, does not pay child support, womanizer, verbally abusive as well as physical, controlling, and lies constantly. Yeah partly why they may never understand because narcs are actors. So just stick by here and everything will become clearer in time..
Jan 15 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Someone can't love and hate

Someone can't love and hate you at the same time, hate is nowhere in the definition of authentic love. The 'love' he expresses is not real, it only seems like it. They may do what we see lovers do in the movies, call all the time, reach out with the 'right' words... but with a narc there is NO happy ending. This contradiction is how cognitive dissonance takes over our heads and hearts. We KNOW something, yet we THINK another. We THINK he loves us, but we KNOW by his actions he doesn't. The main thing to remember about a narc is that they are incapable of reciprocal loving relationships. They don't form deep and lasting emotional bonds because they can't. They are terrified of intimacy and will push away ANYONE who tries to get 'too close'. Until they want their supply that is, then they'll pull you back in - but only on THEIR terms. During the idealization phase, or honeymoon, or hoover, they may seem to be head over heals, and may even fool themselves that they are in love as much as they fool us. BUT, it is not love they feel. What they feel is validation that they are everything they need to be convinced they are. The supply is what supports their illusion of grandiosity, so they are constantly on the prowl for it. When we are NC it drives them crazy because they hate to be ignored and to lose control - but mostly because they don't have enough other supply. That is why some narcs discard and are gone - they don't need our supply and so they only look back when new supply is waning. Others aren't as 'good' at being a predator and so they continue to try to feed off us. To those not educated about narcissistic or pathological abuse and personality disorders, the 'acts of love' the narc exhibits can seem like real love. (We fell for it too). Telling others about NPD is a challenge unless they've experienced it themselves. I know the times I've tried to explain it to people I'm often left feeling in the end like the one who is off balance. How much we have to explain in order for someone else to really understand what we are still trying to fathom ourselves, can be too much and very difficult to express clearly. Just like the cognitive dissonance that we experience in relationship with them, there are so many conflicting behaviors and contradictions involved. I'd advise you to NOT talk to other people about it unless they were witness to you during the relationship. In other words, talk about him and NPD ONLY to the friends who saw the damage in you first hand that you are now recovering from. Even those friends sometimes don't get it. That is why forums such as this are so valuable. Come here to 'talk' about your experience and him. After abuse, validation is KEY to healing. Knowing you are not responsible for their disorder and the behavior caused by it, is so important to acceptance and letting go. Stay NC and keep reading, learning about NPD. The knowledge you gain WILL answer your questions and pretty soon whenever you are wondering "but WHY would he...", you'll find the answer "because he is disordered". That is the first answer that makes any sense at all and the only one that really matters. ((hugs))

Journey on...

Jan 15 - 12PM
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

The unfortunate thing about

The unfortunate thing about narcissistic abuse is that if someone hasn't been through it and/or been through the education and awareness, they are never going to really understand where you are coming from. This makes the support pool much smaller for us. So first I want to say I'm so glad that you found this place because I know it will help you so much to find the answers you are looking for. I'm sorry that you are having a hard day. I would recommend that you block his e mails and not read them if you are initiating NC. It takes time for it to sink it as to what a narcissist really thinks and feels. To a non N love is a feeling but to an N, Love = all the things he gains from the relationship. Which is why they often cheat...because there will always be another supply that can one up the current supply, or atleast lead the the N to think that he is getting a one up'd deal. For the most part all supply is similar to an N in the ending anyway because they are all devalued to the same things regardless of what they had to offer. Some targets may be more rich, some more beuatiful, some have assets, some have brains, some give better bj's, some are tighter, some do it up the butt, some make good dinner, some clean good home, some give good amiration, some have large breasts, some have nice asses, some have high social standing, some are good mothers, some have good reputations, some are easy to isolate, some are codependant, some already warped, some are a good challenge, some are easy, some are educated, some are generous, some like porn and some do porn. Its all a mixture of things revolving around sex, money, attention, stimulation, admiration and reputation. If you exchange the word "love" for "want", then it all starts to make sense. The child wants its toy vs the man loves his wife. Painful, but this what an N feels, they cant feel anything else. They only feel " want" which is why they feel nothing when they get bored of their current direction of want. Im sorry if it is painful for you, its a very harsh reality and nobody should have to be exposed to such a sick truth You seem like a beautiful person and clearly you deserve so much more. I wish you strength in your journey many many hugs
Jan 15 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

That about

sums it up...
Jan 15 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

WOS - Great description!

Id say this is on the money. My Ex Narc's favourite phrase with regards to me/Other women was " Its just not what i want".
Jan 15 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

...and just to add, maybe i

...and just to add, maybe i will correct something i wrote because i don't think it was specific enough to us love = a feeling, a recipricol feeling that values the needs of both parties To them love is equal to want, a non recipricol one sided feeling that values the needs of only the N I don't know if that explains it better, maybe someone can put it into better words than i can. Hope this helps, its the best i can understand it, for myself anyway
Jan 15 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Walking on Sunshine, you

Walking on Sunshine, you described it very well!! I agree!
Jan 15 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Ah ha!

This would explain why exN would say,"I *want* you," or "I *need* you" before he'd say "I love you." Interesting!
Jan 15 - 11AM
indenial
indenial's picture

I know where you're coming from

By now I should be an old veteran at this I've been on this forum forever and been back and forth and am still asking the same questions over and over again. That's the difficult part because this man takes me back to the initial idealisation phase everytime he hoovers me back in. We have an idyllic few weeks and I honestly can't fault him. He gives me everything I'm looking for I can't see anything other than his live for me and then he starts a few little temper tantrums and I slowly feel my power slipping away and then I get the big one and bam he's gone ! Mine manages to devalue me a a very covert way and it's always because I don't love him enough or give him enough. This is the hook and this is why I struggle to comprehend it so much to everyone looking on and to me it appears as if this man is totally besotted with me and loves me like nothing else but how can he ? It's truly soul destroying and to start to once again realise that that's the whole point of himaking me feel so loved is horrifying. I could handle this better if he didn't jump through hoops to please me and show his love for me. If he didn't kiss me and hold me so lovingly. But he does ! And that makes this so much harder and nobody understands.
Jan 15 - 11AM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

I'm pretty new here BUT

I think NC would be blocking those texts. Every time you read one it will trigger you cause YOU pain even if you are not responding and deleting. Don't even contemplate whether or not he had real feelings. YOU had real feelings and are capable of love. Try to occupy yourself with things when you start feeling this way. Get out of the house with the kiddies and go play somewhere. Get a mani/pedi. Go stroll through a store. Exercise. Stop by and see friends. Take care of yourself just one day at a time. Bless you and stay here for support. It gets better, I promise.