Healingslowly_but getting there's story

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#1 Jan 10 - 2PM
Healingslowly_b...
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Healingslowly_but getting there's story

Well, here it is, I've been running this over in my head all day.

I met my ex N about 4 1/2 years ago. I had been married to a guy for 9 years and he had treated me terribly. I had been on my own with my three great children for about 2 years and was ready to meet someone. I had just bought my own house and car and started a new job and life was good again. I was out with my best friend to celebrate someone's hen night and this guy was sat nearby, next to our other friend's boyfriend. We sat and talked and then had a great evening out all together. He took my number and as I walked away, he text me that I looked amazing. I loved it - it was the first time I had felt special in such a long time. We talked the following day and the next day and the next and then he took me out for dinner. He was so charming, so perfect....he didn't even kiss me which I thought was great. The following week I went to a wedding and he came to the evening do - my friends were thrilled for me as I had been single for a while and he seemed just lovely. That night as he walked me home, he told me he loved me (now I see this as crazy but at the time I just thought I had found my soulmate). I was travelling to Africa with work a couple of weeks later for a week or so and I worked for a travel agency so was going on one of our trips - he surprised me by booking to coming along too!!! I was kind of looking forward to some alone time but then saw this as fantastic because it must mean that he really loves me. We had a good time but I always felt a little bit that he wanted me by his side the whole time. He got a bit mad when I talked to other people for longer than he thought was necessary but I just saw all this as him loving me.Then he took me to an amazing beauty spot and proposed!! 4 weeks to the day I met him. This sounds crazy now!!!! We came home and he moved in, I actually don't remember him asking.....it just happened - I don't think we even discussed it. He had three kids too and I welcomed them with open arms. Loved them so much. His ex used to text all the time and he told me she was a psycho who hated his children, I know this isn't true now. Everything seemed ok for about a year and then his Dad went to prison for fraud (this guy seemed normal and I knew nothing about any of it until the day he went inside) - my ex said he had been lied to as well and I believed him. I supported him when he was down about it all and yet he never seemed to open up properly and would just harden up and walk away and not say much. He said that we should move to where he worked , about an hour away from my home and so I agreed and put the house on the market. It sold just before we married about 2 years ago and I uprooted the children and went into rented accomodation because he said that then we could really choose the house we wanted in time. We married, it was a lovely day - he spoilt me rotten and everyone said how wonderful he was....I thought so too. About 10 months into the marriage, I was struggling to pay my share (this sounds crazy too but we never shared the bills properly, he paid the rent and I paid for and was responsible everything else on my part time wage). I asked him to bring his bank statements home ( he used to get them sent to work!!!) so that we could sit together and sort out the finances. He suddenly went crazy, shouting at me that his wages were nothing to do with me and that he shredded all his statements - he just changed, laughing at me, not looking at me and then he just went upstairs and got into my son's bed ( the kids were away thank heavens) and turned to the wall and wouldn't talk to me at all. I just stood there, amazed....tried to talk to him and explain that I was his wife and we should discuss everything...but he wouldn't , he just kept getting mad. This went on for 4 weeks and then he took me to his accountants, this is actually where I work cos he got me the job when we moved. My boss sat there and they talked about the business my ex has and then my boss said " you have to tell her about your debt" Turns out he was 40 grand in debt and cutting it shorter now, he lied about why, he lied about how much and he threw it all back at me about the trips we had taken, the wedding, the gifts he had bought me and told me that I should be f'ing grateful.Turns out he had been in massive debt from before we had even met. That's the reason for the rented house...there is no way he could ever get a mortgage. Whenever I would ask questions, he would scream at me, call me really awful names, get very very drunk and then say he couldn't remember anything that he had said to me, ignore me, really pick me up on everything, tell me I didn't look good enough, question what I was wearing, tell me I was pathetic (he used to say this all the time). I once said to him that if I had known about what he really was then I would never have married him... he said that if he had known how much I was going to cry over the death of my father then he wouldn't have married me either - he said some horrible things to me. He was ok sometimes but then I knew that it wouldn't last - I was always aware that he could change at any minute. He left me last Summer and went on holiday. I took my mum and my children to Cyprus and tried to just relax and sort my head out. The truth is that I thought about him every minute! When we got home, he came round and told me I looked great and that he was determined to make it right.... I believed him. It only took him 4 days to turn back into the monster and it was actually worse than ever. It October I saw an old friend and talked to her about all this. She is a lot older than me and I trust her. She told me that I had to get out as soon as possible - she had been in a marriage like mine for 28 years. I came home that night and sat him down and told him that I couldn't take anymore. I left him sat in the garden , came in , saw to the kids and then realised that he had gone already.I felt nothing. The texts started that night and I ignored him at first - the following day was the same and I just text back that he should get his things. I know this sounds crazy but all that week seems like a blur now - I can't really remember it. The following weekend he got his things. I had some sort of breakdown the following week- my mum had to come and stay and the doctor signed me off work - I couldn't even see straight. It was awful and I never want to feel like that again. I didn't understand it all as I needed him to go but then felt like I missed him so much. Just awful. I found a counsellor as I was so determined to figure this out. After four weeks of seeing her she eventually explained to me what has been going on with me for the past 4 1/2 years. All the self blame has gone and I understand it now. Reading this back is weird and doesn't sound enough- there are so so so many examples I could write down to explain what he has done to me but I guess you all know them already. I am 1 month now into Nc after making a terrible mistake and ending up back at his flat. My friends came the following day and 'rescued' me from there. I haven't seen him since and was doing ok until he text me at the weekend. The girls on here have explained the text to me and I see it all for what it is again now. He tells lies now to anyone who will listen and blames me completely. I am dealing with the backlash of that this week and I'm trying to ignore it all cos I know the truth. I am getting stronger each day, still seeing the counsellor, have lost 2 stone in the last 10 weeks and look a bit haggard but that'll sort itself out. I can't believe that I have written all this out - it feels good. Thank you so much for all your support and I know that now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. No more contact - not even a little bit. His loss. HUGS

Jan 10 - 5PM
foolnomore
foolnomore's picture

Hi

Hi healingslowly. Thanks for sharing your story. It is still awful to read peoples' experiences on this site and believe that there are predators in this world that manipulate, hurt, lie and punish their "loved" ones. One of the things that I have kept in my head was something Oprah Winfrey said on her new series, Lifeclass....."love is supposed to feel good. It is not supposed to hurt". I try to remind myself of this, because it is spot on. When someone loves you, they want to support you, talk with you and be kind to you. Not mind fuck you to the point of whether or not you are coming or going. I would never in a New York minute put up with this type of shit from one of my girlfriends, how in the heck did I put up with it with a lover on and off for a few years? Mind boggling. Congratulations on your NC. Stay strong and keep reading and posting. This is a safe place to vent and learn. Hugs.
Jan 10 - 4PM
Healingslowly_b...
Healingslowly_but getting there's picture

Thanks

Thank you for reading my story - it felt so great to finally write it down read it back. It's so strange but to hear it all in one go makes me wonder why I didn't get out sooner!! I actually feel really good....I know I have a long way to go but I really am starting to feel a bit better. I cooked dinner with the kids tonight and sat and played games with them for ages afterwards - I could never have done that a few weeks ago, my mum was here helping me just get through the day. My youngest son wrote a letter to Father Christmas asking for him to cheer up mum cos she is a bit sad and you know, that was my turning point. I am here!! I am alive!! I am going to get through this!! I can make this life just what I want it to be and even better, I am going forward with such knowledge now and this will never happen to me again....well at the moment I feel so tough that I don't feel like I'll even talk to another guy again (I'm sure that'll pass but god help him getting through these barriers). You are such amazing people and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. xxxxx
Jan 10 - 4PM
Black Pearl
Black Pearl's picture

Healingslowly_but getting there

Time and knowledge will heal and you have made the first step to helping yourself by seeking help! So many parts of your story i can relate to, infant i did the very same thing when i wrote my story yesterday i looked back on it and saw that there was allot missing, allot of the crap that he put me through but all and all i know what he did and those are the things my gut feeling is telling me are wrong and at least i know that! at least i can see that those things actually were not my fault that is something i could not see when i was in the relationship but being out i now can........... and trust me so will you! you are already on your way...... the first stages are the hardest but you need to push through them because once you have YOU ARE FREE!!!! I am now 8 week since i broke up with my ex boyfriend and at the beginning it hurts like hell...... it still hurts but it gets better with more knowledge....... because knowledge is power! and you have the power to gain back control of your life! Some really helpful advice that i would love to give you is please pleas stick to the {NO CONTACT RULE} it is so very important to starting the healing process. Since i broke up with my boyfriend he has just bombarded me with phone calls, text messages, e-mails, facebook messages and i haven't replied to any, i was still reading his messages which proved to be a bad idea...... it was hard for me to let go and i am still in the process as the reason that i subjected my self to his ramblings, dumping and basically saying that it was all my fault that i was selfish and the one to blame for his actions ect basically everything that he was doing to me he pulled up and said either i was doing it to him or my family was doing it to me pretty much trying to confuse me and manipulate me and that just gave me the reassurance that he knew exactly what he was doing to me....... it was calculated. He went from asking me to come back, to being really nasty, to being nice to being nasty pretty much a repeating pattern... all with no reply from me to this day he is still messaging me he is cyber stalking me i have blocked him out it took me a while to do it because it didn't want to let go and cut him out of my life but in the end that was the last and only option to keep my mental well being at bay..... because by reading his messages he was still getting to me emotionally verbally beating me up over things he could never deal with blaming me, and making up half truths it ripped me up and it is only now, this year, that i made up my mind that i am no longer going to read his messages 11 days in and i haven't read one its hard but i have to do it for myself.... AND SO SHOULD YOU! change your phone number, any form of contact he has with you cut it out. its hard but be strong trust me you will feel better once you have done it because he will slowly fade from being your every thought........ as my mum says "don't let him live in your head rent free" You will be ok! you have made the first steps to healing your heart, your soul you every well being! and for that you are an extremely strong person! take care and look ford, restore your life put your time love and energy back into you self, your children, your friends and your family. You have the power! Wishing you well, Take care and be strong =)
Jan 10 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

UGH.. Sorry ... Welcome to

UGH.. Sorry ... Welcome to Narcville Hunter
Jan 10 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Healingslowly, I am so so sorry

you got duped by a con. Yuck! This guy's a Class A jerk and a selfish selfish narc. You do not deserve it! I am so so happy you are changing the script and stopping the cycle of craziness, manipulations, lies and abuse. You are a strong, brave woman and that will serve you well on this journey. You are doing all the right things to move ahead on The Path Forward. That is outstanding after all you have been through. Feel good about that, healing. You are on the right track and you will be so happy you are committed to doing the work. No contact is the key. Read, get it out, share and post here. It's all part of the process and a very important part. Welcome to the forum, healing, I am so sorry you had to land here, but so glad you found this outstanding place of healing and hope. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT WAS A PROCESS TO STOP, AND I REFUSE TO SPIN EVER AGAIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE

spinning