Healing. When you get to the point of "Who Cares What He Does!"

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#1 Jan 4 - 9PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Healing. When you get to the point of "Who Cares What He Does!"

Slowly, I am getting to the point of "who cares what he does!!! because I see him as pathological,,and know that he only brings bad and distraction and crap to a relationship. NO MATTER WHAT!!

They might SEEM successful,,they might FEIGN they have a love relationship,,and proposed and everything,,,yet,,I know, he is not worth his word.

It is all heresay. Their lives are all mimocry to the real thing,,the real thing,,is all there is in the end.

They will not get the real thing. They do not have the capacity, yet promise it to people day in, and day out.

Have you gotten yourself to THIS healing stage,,if so,, what did it take you to get there??

Jan 13 - 8PM
JuneBug
JuneBug's picture

As I gain my self esteem back

I am almost there, more day by day...
Jan 6 - 3PM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Wow. So many great

Wow. So many great comments. I think for me it was after reaching a state of pure disgust. Also, when I finally was able to choke down that giant bitter pill that he never ever even came close to caring about me. That was the giant hurdle. Really hard to accept that after having invested so much in a relationship. My ego took a giant hit on that one, and the ego fights long and hard against hits that big.
Jan 7 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Itreallyisabouthim good comment about disgust

Yes,,there is a huge disgust component to this odd relationship with an N,,,I said the same thing to him many times,,and was so confused as to why he did so many "nice things" to me,,(which was really abuse and manipulation in the long run) and yet, truly 'didn't care' about me. It is so hard to fathom,,and after investing SO MUCH in a relationship,,it is in an ego hit,,but it is more a reality hit,,that there are creeps out there who will take you for a ride,,,and know, and plot and plan,,that they will take you for your life for years,,knowing that they are bullying you around, and continue, until it is all on you to expose. I am PROUD OF YOU for exposing him,,,,and being able to look reality in the eye. This is a testimony to your strength and COURAGE as an individual,,that most people cannot even begin to understand the bravery it takes to confront.
Jan 5 - 11AM
4joys4
4joys4's picture

I finally feel I am entering

I finally feel I am entering this phase. It's been almost a year. Lots of hard work to get here. Therapy, group therapy through DV groups, journaling, immense changes in my life. I am finding peace. I also volunteer-this was key for me.
Jan 5 - 9AM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"Who Cares What He Does!"

That is soo strange you posted this because the past month I have been in this phase, I always say who gives a rats ass!!! I no longer care what he does, who he is with, who he sleeps with, what his lies are, what he is doing in his life, absolutely nothing. I have even imagined him in the act of sleeping with others, and I could care less, the image no longer evokes any type of reaction from me. I think its because we have finally detached ourselves from them emotionally and the horrible things they did to us is finally more predominant than the image we had of Mr Right. This is good, and probably another phase of our recovery. That is what it took for me at least to get to this point. It actually makes me sick the way he conducts his life, I can just see him checking in with all his little victims, plotting and planning a way to lie to his GF to give him time to screw someone at some cheap motel. Putting on that disturbed charm, that creepy little slimy voice, if I hear the word masturbate and P---y again I will slit my wrists. Then I picture him on one of his luxury vacations with his GF probably trying to screw the maid and pretending he is so dedicated in his relationship with her, makes me nauseated. Liar, fraud, fake, coward, con artist, sex addict, cheater, sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, pervert, rapist, swindler, love thief, those are all the things he is, no excuse me while I go vomit.
Jan 5 - 8AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

When you come out of the

When you come out of the confusion and you see the pattern you change your emotionally charged feelings from trauma to a kind of humor about the whole thing and a bit of a puzzlement at how you got conned. Its amazing how they can bounce from one crazy relationship to another. It is always the same. It is too bad that they are so good at getting women into the trap, then the victim has to get out of the trap, and then heal from it all. It is a huge financial and energy drain besides affecting children, jobs, businesses. You wonder what the overall cost of being hooked up with one of these narcissists is in lost wages, attorneys, therapists. It is in the thosands of dollars just for a romantic involvement with a pathological!
Jan 5 - 2AM
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I have reached the point

I have reached the point where I know he will act the same no matter who the woman is...I have stopped wondering what he is doing, because I know he is cheating or scaming someone...and taking up some poor womans time. I have reached the point of really understanding he targeted me...one reason being I am very competitive...i made the game fun for him. I understand more now that I was everything he could never be..he became angry when he could not become me..he is way too flawed. Has severe emotional problems that go beyond a Narc. I have not reached the point of not caring what he is doing though. I am angry he got away with everything he did to me...angry he is now sitting on this throne ..has many new friends surrounding him. Angry at the smear campaign and people who ignore me. I can laugh though at how he fears me and what lengths he will go to avoid me. I have been out of the relationship since Aug..and NC since the brief contact in Nov. It is still early for me in the healing path. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
Jan 4 - 9PM
JuneBug
JuneBug's picture

Took Care

I took care of my own life when it was a bit too late. I have left my job, moved to another city to be near family. I have been living like a ghost through a depression and through much anger. My friend told me that you only forget a crisis after another one happens. The emotions are still there, but I am calm, happy, and working on my future. Then again, I left a city I did not really like, a job I pretended to love, and a life I didn't really want, so it all happened for the best. I hope N and I never talk again.
Jan 4 - 9PM
baddream
baddream's picture

I understood what he was

I no longer miss N and stopped caring when I really, truly understood that he had a personality and a reality disorder and that his entire life was a script and he and I were acting in scenes that he orchestrated. "Scenes" written by him in which he idealized me, then devalued me, over and over again. It took awhile to internalize it all because of how bizarre and diabolical it was. I understood ex-N's disorder so well that his behaviors had become predictable because they are pathological and all symptoms of his "disease". I no longer care to be in a relationship with this man. Sometimes I do care that he is sick with something for which there is no cure and feel sad that this person I knew seemed to have so much potential-- it was all made up in his head and he pretended to be the man he thought I wanted him to be. Once the mask came off he knew he could no longer fool me and it was at that point in time that I became useless to him. When I looked at him I saw who he really was, he could not deal with the reflection of himself that he had when he was with me. It is one thing to read about narcissism, quite another to truly understand what motivates their every behavior---- and then comes the realization that they can never have a normal, healthy, happy relationship with anyone. I had enough.
Jan 7 - 5PM (Reply to #15)
serene69
serene69's picture

I agree with what baddream

I agree with what baddream says. I do not care to be in a relationship with this man - but I do care that he is sick with something that cannot be cured. Mine too is a very intelligent man and he has totally wasted his skills. He is semi successful I must admit, but could be so much more - he just seems to destroy anything good that seems to happen to him. It is really very sad that he is a small boy trapped in a man's body. He will never have a proper relationship with anyone - whereas I know I can. I know mine had two 7 yr relationships in the past during which he cheated constantly (I have recently found out). He is now 42 and there is no way he is going to change his ways. Yes he is surely out there looking for another woman (or man!) but he will treat them exactly the same way he did me, or his past partners. Okay, he may seem to be surrounded by hundreds of friends but really - they are not proper friends - just superficial ones - whereas I have a smaller group, but they are real friends that are friends because we have a relationship. Ns never get too close to friends either and do not have proper friendships. They are sad and lonely and trapped. So what really is there to be jealous of in their lives?
Jan 5 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

I wish I was here

I have just found out that my ex N is engaged. Everything he does shows him to be an N with a disorder but some small thing in my head keeps denying it. This small thing keeps telling me I am wrong and that he is a truely changed man for her. She only has grown kids who are not reliant on their mum. I have his two year old plus two other children . I wish I could truely get it.
Jan 7 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

alfrebob

I use to think the same thing. I had my two sons and our daughter and his new gf only had her kids part time. I figured that they had plenty of "alone time". When we were together, I couldn't even finish a sentence without one of our kids interupting us (much less anything else!). Well, I was completely wrong! After I became friends with his now EX gf, she said their lives together were the same as ours was...always in a bad mood, never wanted to do anything but stay in the bathroom getting stoned and jacking off after he denied her intimacy. Now he has a new gf (her son is grown and gone)and now they have all the "alone time" they could ever want. Who cares!!! I'm sure he's the same miserable bastard he was with me, the last gf and the next! If he was sooo happy, he wouldn't have called me crying on Christmas Eve night pretending to be crying for daughter when I know damn well he was really just feeling sorry for his own pathetic sorry ass! No way, no how, alfrebob...no chance of him changing!
Jan 8 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

TexN

I have read your response a few times and it makes so much sense. I need to bang my head against a brick wall to make it really sink in!! My ex just loved undivided attention. My daughter could not even sit on my knee without him flying off the handle. He expected attention as soon as he came in the door from work, despite the fact that I also worked full time too. I tried to say to him over and over again that he could have my attention all night as soon as the kids were in bed. It was not as if I ignored him anyway when the kids were there but it was never just my full attention. He just could not accept the ways things were. Now his new GF can give him all the attention plus he has also given her a job at his company which means she travels everywhere with him at a drop of a hat.They stay in hotels, travel abroad, the whole lot. Me and the kids mean nothing. Spoke to my counsellor about this and she asked me if he ever kicked off when we were on holiday without the kids. Yes he did. So maybe the kids weren't really the issue........... WE went to Mexico once for 14 days. I spent 10 of them in tears. It was his birthday whilst we were there and I organised for us to swim with dolphins for his birthday. He completely lost it and said I was a selfish bitch to book for me as well. His ex wife would have let him just do it and watched!!! That was day 2 of the holiday. Another time we went to Las Vegas on a 4 day business trip with his company. I got on really well with the rest of the staff. He said I was a liability to him and to keep away from the others. He was shouting so much that a maid called security and I was put in another room as a Non Registered Guest for my own safety. I got a flight home the next day. My kids were not on either of those trips. But I suppose he still knew they were there in the background. But he knew I had two kids when I met him. Now got three....one for that loser!!! But my little boy is so georgeous, just like his mum x LOL
Jan 13 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

No is not that-Undivided Attention

Well i am 53 years old ,no kids financially ok i gave my ex N all the time i had we did talk alot we were very close(i thought so.ha ha ha )He dumped me as a hot potato...His ex GF gave him 3 children and he blewed with her he abused his kids and her too..Ladies wake up those losers are never happy whatever anybody does to fulfill their wishes and expectations ...when they have something good they go and destroy it ...and the oyher person gets all the blme because we are all imperfect goods in their eyes they are perfect and always right even if sometimes they say I am dirt and fucked up lik mine did ...and he just went on doing what he did because Hey ,thats what i do,he said....

Aceonelady

Jan 8 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

TexN

I have read your response a few times and it makes so much sense. I need to bang my head against a brick wall to make it really sink in!! My ex just loved undivided attention. My daughter could not even sit on my knee without him flying off the handle. He expected attention as soon as he came in the door from work, despite the fact that I also worked full time too. I tried to say to him over and over again that he could have my attention all night as soon as the kids were in bed. It was not as if I ignored him anyway when the kids were there but it was never just my full attention. He just could not accept the ways things were. Now his new GF can give him all the attention plus he has also given her a job at his company which means she travels everywhere with him at a drop of a hat.They stay in hotels, travel abroad, the whole lot. Me and the kids mean nothing. Spoke to my counsellor about this and she asked me if he ever kicked off when we were on holiday without the kids. Yes he did. So maybe the kids weren't really the issue........... WE went to Mexico once for 14 days. I spent 10 of them in tears. It was his birthday whilst we were there and I organised for us to swim with dolphins for his birthday. He completely lost it and said I was a selfish bitch to book for me as well. His ex wife would have let him just do it and watched!!! That was day 2 of the holiday. Another time we went to Las Vegas on a 4 day business trip with his company. I got on really well with the rest of the staff. He said I was a liability to him and to keep away from the others. He was shouting so much that a maid called security and I was put in another room as a Non Registered Guest for my own safety. I got a flight home the next day. My kids were not on either of those trips. But I suppose he still knew they were there in the background. But he knew I had two kids when I met him. Now got three....one for that loser!!! But my little boy is so georgeous, just like his mum x LOL
Jan 5 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
JuneBug
JuneBug's picture

Alfrebob

I feel the same way sometimes. The more is life seems more normal, the more my life seems upside down. XN and ex-girlfriend have been together for quite sometime and am really starting to doubt if he is an N at all.
Jan 5 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

JuneBug

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her BTW - now that you know he's pathological; would you really even WANT him back?? the gf won't hurt him - he has no feelings to hurt ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 5 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

YES!!!

A few months ago I would have been thinking of ways we could make this work. Not to mention thinking of ways "our relationship" benefitted me. NOT NOW. Your 100% right, why would you want him back knowing he is pathological. That statement right there is enough for now, to pull me threw the sad parts. Our last "relationship saving" conversation when my head was still in the clouds,was enough to make me vomit. Its that anger I believe that has kept me away and non responsive, its that anger that makes me happy and aware/alert. I just think of the words he said to me "I want what I want when I want it", "I think you should be happy with the 90% good I give", "I like weird girls, I like getting to know then and getting in there pants"..."I cant help it". "you can call me anytime I will be here" and my favorite door closing moment...."if you best friends came here and wanted to sleep with me I would do it because I cant help it, not because I want to hurt you, I wouldn't be thinking of you"...........and these are just a few. I am beyond RELIVED I no longer have to hear these things!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I have sad days ahead but I will count on you ladies (this forum)and my nearest and dearest to save me. ps - I changed my phone number today!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY recovery!!!!!
Jan 5 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Junebug, you know he is an

Junebug, you know he is an N. You do not know what is going on inside their relationship. he is probably not treating her well at all. But regardless, he treated you like crap. And you know you deserve better. You do not want to go back to that again. You got off the rollercoaster and it takes a while for your stomach (mind, heart) to get back to normal. Once that happens, you think long and hard about getting on that ride again because it took so much recovery time. You do know he is an N, you know that deep down from everything you experienced and what you have read here and other places. There was something about him that made you start looking into narcissism. She is not being treated any better, and if she is, it won't last. It never does. You were treated well once too, you just don't remember because of all the crap that came after.
Jan 6 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
JuneBug
JuneBug's picture

MrsVulcan500

I am getting there, I know that he is not good for me. What keeps me still hooked is the good times and the fact that I never got to see his bad side fully expressed. Although I am seeing it now by proxy...I am almost there...will definitely let you know;)
Jan 6 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

JuneBug

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/10/why-you-only-remember-good-stuff-of-bad_01.html ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 5 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

Very well stated MsVulcan

Very well stated MsVulcan and very true. Jenny
Jan 7 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Love can be so good

We are all believers in love,,that love, and true reciprocation is possible. There IS love in the world. There are ROMANTIC and BEAUTIFUL relationships in life. Every person has their 'tastes' or their 'fascinations'. Some might be drawn to the business people, others the artistic, others the creatives, the dreamers,,their talents speak for themselves. We BELIEVE this love to be alive. We KNOW it to be alive, because we have experienced it,,and GIVE it in life. The brush,,the stab, from the pathological, marred us,,TEMPORARILY,, from our dream. It is the awakening that ultimately,,life is good that can restore faith. Healing,,or part of the road to healing,, is letting ourselves trust.,,,that Love and life is there,,and waiting for us,,to receive us,,and give back all we are looking for. Let others help you through this healing process,,,it takes so long,,and others,,will be there to help you.