he won't stop - i want to send this

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#1 Feb 21 - 1PM
fierflie
fierflie's picture

he won't stop - i want to send this

should i send this? he won't leave me alone.

P, why now? After everything, after my trying for months/years to be kind and to love you, why all of a sudden are you 'so sorry'. What SPECIFICALLY are you sorry for? Again, how is this linked to your 'sudden anxiety'?
Sidney, why are you seeing a therapist NOW? Why not after I lost my child after being shoved onto concrete? Why not after you beat me? Why not to save our marriage after you left me? When I was willing to forgive the fucking torture you dished out and was willing to work on our 'marriage'. Why NOW? What specific issues are you working through in therapy and why should I believe that you are sincere?
Being that I am too forgiving, I would be happy to know that you were in fact finally horrified by your treatment of your wife who LOVED and trusted you. That you have had some kind of sudden epiphany overnight that has caused this 180 in your behavior. That upon reflecting you actually have some kind of remorse. I don't, though. I think you are afraid of being caught, and afraid that I may be unwilling to protect you and keep your secrets anymore NOW that I'm a grown up and realize just how incredibly fucked up it all was.
You wanted to communicate so badly. There it is. If you really want forgiveness, you need to convince me you are truly repentant. And even though you supposedly 'never loved me', I sure as fuck know you better than you give me credit for. I'm also allot smarter than you give me credit for. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness and stupidity.
If you want me not to expose you, I need to feel like you will never do it again. Meanwhile, you can save your saccharine emails and texts for your girlfriends who don't know any better. If I detected and sincerity at all, I would spoken to you before now,

i don;t see how this is n supply.i'm just afriad it will give him details on how to fool me. i think its more likely that he will leave me alone.
should i just not send it or what?

Feb 22 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Don't send it!

I agree with everyone's posts here. To top it off, you gave him all the answers in your email which he could use to 'trick' you into believing he cares - he doesn't even need to come up with his own justifications for his sudden 'change of heart'. Stay away from this abusing lowlife. He has been absolutely horrible to you in the past. The future will be no different. We all want to see you happy, you deserve it Fierflie!!

Journey on...

Feb 22 - 5AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Forgive for What?

I have been in your shoes. Receiving these letters seeking general forgiveness & the "I've changed" & therapy held out as a Holy Grail. But, notice, you don't really know what he's asking your forgivenss for? He has not pointed to a single ACT he has committed against you & specifically asked your forgiveness for that. Nor has he offered concrete and tangible reasons for why none of this will happen again. Also, a person who has "seen the light" after he has done so much against another -- this person will gradually make amends. They will understand that it is a long, slow haul without any guarantee of success at the end. Seems that your N wants immediate gratification. Immediate reconciliation. Seems that, once again, he's in charge of the timetable. I've been there, seen that, done that. Once they get you back in their saddle, the abuse starts & even more viciously. They punish you for what YOU did to them when YOU abandoned them! Since there is a lawsuit in hand. I'd say this is his motivation. When mine found out that he could not refinance his precious house in our divorce, suddenly I was bombarded for 10 days with "love" e-mails. Unknown to me, he already had another woman in the house which I co-owned with him. Suddenly on the 10th day an e-amil: "Well, YOU do not respond, YOU want a divorce, do it ASAP so I can "recover" from my devastation." (He already with another woman). I would later learn from that same woman in the house after she left him, on the 10th day, his parents wired him the money to buy my half of the house! And, I agree with everything these ladies say. Don't send it. Make him sweat. Don't help him out at all. In sending it, you show weakness. That you are still attuned to him. In the end, HE WILL PULVERIZE YOU if he gets half a chance. You take this man back & you will one day be so beaten that you will land in a hospital. He will make you pay for challenging his authority. Don't fool yourself that he's realized what a treasure you are & suddenly sees the light & values you. NOPE! What he misses is his punching bag, his whipping post. These disordered & abusive personalities need a victim to vent upon so that they can function "normally" in the rest of their lives. "Forgiveness" condones abuse. Each time one forgives, the abuse simply escalates. And he's scared of this lawsuit. If I remember, this guy's a lawyer? If so, you are threatening his public persona. Truly unmasking him. Don't go near him. He will make you pay. There is no going back. You can only go forward & complete what you've already started. You are afraid of the unknown future. This man represented some financial security at a high emotional price. Nevertheless, you must push forward. Going back to him would be such a grave mistake. You will never survive. And, he doesn't have to stop sending these letters. You have to stop paying attention. And, IF YOU REALLY DO NOT WANT THESE LETTERS OR CONTACT. IF YOU WANT HIM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE -- get a restraining order! He's beaten you, there's a lawsuit, he's bothering you to reconcile so as to end the lawsuit! There is nothing you can do to end this. He does not respect you. he doesn't care about you -- he only cares about using you for his benefit. But he will respect a restraining order because a violation by contact will land him in court.
Feb 22 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

This bit hits home for

This bit hits home for me: "He has not pointed to a single ACT he has committed against you & specifically asked your forgiveness for that." If he specifies something, then he's taking direct responsibility for his actions and admitting he is responsible. And he just can't do that.
Feb 22 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

it hits home for me too.

it hits home for me too.
Feb 22 - 9AM (Reply to #23)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Fierflie please listen

to every word AgnesM says here. Great post, right on the money.
Feb 22 - 4AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Hey Fi , you know not to send

Hey Fi , you know not to send it :) but its a bloody good letter and in a perfect world you will send it he will read it and fall in love with you all over again , he will change and off you walk into the sunset and be happey for ever together .. but scrach that record . Stay NC , file youre assult charge , move out , and remember the facts about this man . When they hover it sets of ptsd and cog dis big time so much so we forget what we know and we engage in magic thinking . ie "if he could just get a good therapist who might be able to reach him " .. or "if we moved to new place and i stop being so needy towards him " .. you know the thoughts we have to bend over backwards to try and find a way to work it out ... Recognise the feeling you have are caused by cog dis and are still not reality , they only time you can get back to reality is when you move out and can finaly have nc . If you where to send him anything at the momnet , if you realy want to slap him between the eyes (which i know you do lol)it would be this ... Sidney (Sidney ?? .. im sorry but how can you take anyone seriously with a name like Sidney !) please stop contacting me if you carry on i will file for a restraining order ".. End off Fi . xxx
Feb 22 - 2PM (Reply to #21)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

scoop

oh scoopy doopie, thank you somuch for putting abig oletexas smil on my face!!! you crack me up girl!!!!
Feb 21 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Don't send it!

Let your actions speak for you. He's not capable of communicating in an adult way. What you wrote is something an ADULT will understand--and he's not an adult (he needs to be condescended to and patronized, IMHO) He will be sinking his fangs into YOUR vulnerabilities, not the other way around--and that's not a good thing.
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

susan

was what i wrote not condescenfing enough?would you think it was ok if i was more patronizing? would that be ok to send then? i could make it more nasty lol
Feb 22 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

No dont re write it being

No dont re write it being more nasty ! Supply is supply weather it is positive or negative . A narc knows us insight and out right , so any responce from you will tell them how you are thinking emotionaly and they will taylor thier responce to get yet more supply from you and that is how the game works. a narc has a super natural sence of what buttons to push to get his needs met . No Contact is put in place to stop giving them any information about youre emotions , so say if you re wrote this email to be even more nasty what is it going to say to him ? he will think " ha , she is still hung up on me .. excelent its feeding time and whilst im at it ill stop her putting that complanint in to the cops when i beat her with a belt .. its win win and im the king of all i see " .. you KNOW this to be true Fi . Give him nothing to work on .. nothing ... i know you can do it , im willing you to do it ... Stave him out . xxx
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I wouldn't send anything, IMHO

I wouldn't send anything. For him, any contact right now is dangerous for YOU. You want this civil suit to succeed... and he shouldn't ever see you weak. If he feels like you're looking down on him, it would make him very scared. It's like they dish it out... but they can't take it. In my own case, I think the ex-Psych prof thought I was purposefully trying to drive him crazy... that I had him figured out and that I'd play him like a violin. When I congratulated him on being betrothed, he threw a hissy fit, claiming I had violated his personal boundaries... and then I said in a faux innocent voice, "But you TOLD me to move on. You TOLD me to do it. I'm DOING what YOU wanted." I was kind of whining... and in a tone that would annoy even a normal person. I told him I was doing what he wanted... and he went into word salad mode. I would send NOTHING because he could use it against you. Just be ready to use everything he's said (and he's said nasty things) against him.
Feb 21 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Thank you for feeling and

Thank you for feeling and sharing! Don't send it! If you do he wins!
Feb 21 - 4PM
really
really's picture

I agree - do NOT! You got

I agree - do NOT! You got your thoughts out and written down. That should help some. Focus your efforts on staying away from him and NC. You will regret sending it - guaranteed. One way or another, it will be used against you - double-guaranteed. I know it's hard. You did the right thing by posting here first to get an opinion. Now take the next step and let us help you stop from sending it. God knows, we've all been through it and the only thing it accomplishes with them is setting us up for more pain. I'm sorry, but it won't help. hugs, really
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

really

One way or another, it will be used against you - double-guaranteed. i'm trying to figure out how he could do that? i was ust thinking he could not respond and that would make him look so bad in court when he was trying to say look i tried or whatever. i don;t know maybe i'm being stupid. i'm no good at calculating moves at all.
Feb 22 - 7AM (Reply to #14)
really
really's picture

First, you are asking him

First, you are asking him many questions. Questions imply that you want answers. He will use that as an opportunity to continue communication. He will NEVER answer those questions, though. He doesn't know the answers, but will be satisfied in the attention you have given him by asking. Second, he could use it in court to help portray you as "psycho", demanding, unaccepting, can't leave him alone, can't walk away, provoke him, etc, etc. Your words can be twisted in ways that you never meant for them to be and that puts you at risk. Third, he will get you emotionally. He will say nothing, which is very unlikely because as long as communication is open, they will say whatever they want, esp when you are asking questions. Or, he will take the opportunity to fire back at you and make you feel even more like shit. Bottom line, he doesn't have feelings. He cannot comprehend what he has done. You may as well yell and try to get answers from a brick wall. That's why I said it's good that you said it here and got it out of your system. Hope that helps, really
Feb 21 - 4PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

please don't

Whatever you send will backfire on you. Please don't send this. Trust me when I say you will regret ever sending. You will not get the comfort and closure you are looking for. It's just not going to happen. I'm sorry. Happy
Feb 21 - 3PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Nononononononono

Please don't Fierflie. This is supply, and you're very right when you say you're worried that this will give him clues how to manipulate the situation even more. This is a freakin' instruction manual. I agree with the others that you're opening the door WIDE with your language, he will discard everything you're saying about being smarter/wiser and latch on to what you're saying about the key to your forgiveness. I can just see the lightbulb flash on over his head and hear the wheels start spinning as he figures out how to "give" you what you want. Don't underestimate how far he'll try to go in order to dodge a battery suit. Remember what he wrote to his sister about you being a moneygrubbing bitch; there's the truth as far as he's concerned, the rest is just his manipulative crap. He's trying every angle he can to see what will work with you, based on what's worked in the past, but he's also got to try new angles as well. If you give in one millimeter now, he'll know he's found the chink in your armor and he'll pull out all the stops trying to widen it. Your life will be more hellish hoovering. Stay NC my dear...if you want revenge of any sort that's really the best shot you have, and you can already tell it's driving him nuts. You know how psychopaths hate to be ignored. xoxoxoxo
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

wholeagain

thank you so much for this. why do psychopaths hate being ignored so much? i thought they didn't care about anything. can you eplain to me how i what i wrote is supply? i know its stupid but i'm confused. i thought i was just confronting him and they hated that
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

it's...

attention, and attention is supply. I don't think any court is going to give a flying f**k if he "tried" after they see the pictures of you after he finished with his belt. So, if you ignore him, he has nothing to work with, he has no clues how to move forward with his plan to soften you up. If you send the letter there are clues in there, such as you suggesting that maybe you could forgive him under certain circumstances. You may choose to forgive at some point, but that would be for you, not for him. He doesn't need to know that you'd even entertain the thought, because he will use that idea to turn up the heat and hoover all the harder. I know how confusing it is when you're in the middle of it, I really do. The only remedy is to get away from him entirely, that's when your mind will start to get clear and you can get on with healing! xoxoxo
Feb 21 - 2PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Fierflie

You aren't seriously asking whether you should send this, right? YOU posted an article TODAY about false apologies. Go back and read it again. All those questions at the end that the "apologizer" is not supposed to address? You ask EVERY ONE of them here. I understand that you want answers to the questions you are asking, but he is not going to give them to you. He is trying to save his ass by proffering a pathetic non-apology and you know it. You're giving him more than supply in your response; you're actually suggesting that he has a shot when you say, "If you want me not to expose you, I need to feel like you will never do it again." Do you not see that you're inviting more of his crap here? You already know that sending this would be a mistake.
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

ally

I guess in that article i noticed that they said refuse to answer questions like the ones i listed and i know he will refuse to answer so i thought i maybe would prove my point that he's not sincere? i dunno.
Feb 21 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

@Fierflie

I agree with Ally2375 - you posted the apology article - don't send the email/letter - you will not get any answers from him and if you do you know that they will be total bullshit. And you know what? Narcs get supply when we respond to them in any form - don't do it!

Nan

Feb 21 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Fierflie, I agree with Ally

Fierflie, I agree with Ally here. He wants his way. He wants you to NOT file that civil suit and expose him for his true self. Anything you send him is only going to be NS. He's not going to ever give you the answers and closure that you wish. Do yourself a big favor and don't respond to him in any way. NC is the only way to truly be free of him. You deserve so much better than the way he's treated you. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Feb 21 - 1PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

It's giving him attention,

It's giving him attention, and as you say, potentially giving him details to worm his way back in again. You don't owe him any response.
Feb 21 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

I agree !!

DO NOT send him anything. You will not get any response from him or you may get a fake response. But either way, you will not gain anything. You definitely do not owe him anything.
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

i love yall

sooooo much!!! thank you thank you thank you for all of your responces i appreciate you all sooooo much! my narc free goddesses!