He was my escape
He was my escape
I've been thinking about stuff this week. I was slowly starting to release my feelings for N and feel better. Then we got some news on the medical front that scared me (husband, on top of all the other shit wrong with him, may now have cancer, he has spots in his lungs, dr. thinks they may be metastasized from elsewhere, waiting on tests and rechecking in 6 weeks to see if spots grow/multiply) anyway..it's stressful and it puts me right back to missing N
My husband is chronically ill and is hospitalized a LOT...it's hard to deal with and I just sort of snapped in January of this year. N offered a way out of the pain and worry. My heart/brain just turned off towards my husband, probably to keep me from hurting more. I worry about him dying (my mom was widowed at 50). I don't want to be alone, I'm scared and I think I just ran away. In my mind I was going to run away with N and have this happy, normal life. He said we could have a child together. etc etc
I have to retrain my brain and find some other, healthy way of dealing with this...I'm NOT going to contact N, the part of my heart/brain that turned off towards my husband is back on and I will NOT hurt him anymore, no matter what.
But, I have had sick thoughts, like, well if husband does die, I could just have a relationship with the N, I already know him, so I won't have to worry about meeting other people, I know who he is now so he can't hurt me (hahahaha)
I'm so grateful I have this board. I've pictured some of you coming and physically preventing me from contacting N. I'm betting there are some of you who would be willing to do that if the worst happens and my husband dies and I'm left alone. Alone is dangerous for me.
I'm still hoping for the best, hoping the spots are benign and I will have many years left with my chronically ill but loving and supportive husband.
wacaet
thanks Bada biting his head
waceat
my love for my husband is
waceat exactly
wacaet
Used, thank you for sharing
Counting on a Narc for the
Never use the N as an escape
don't worry, I know it's
he was my way out
that pretty much sums it up!
love to you wacaet