He was my escape

14 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 17 - 2PM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

He was my escape

I've been thinking about stuff this week. I was slowly starting to release my feelings for N and feel better. Then we got some news on the medical front that scared me (husband, on top of all the other shit wrong with him, may now have cancer, he has spots in his lungs, dr. thinks they may be metastasized from elsewhere, waiting on tests and rechecking in 6 weeks to see if spots grow/multiply) anyway..it's stressful and it puts me right back to missing N
My husband is chronically ill and is hospitalized a LOT...it's hard to deal with and I just sort of snapped in January of this year. N offered a way out of the pain and worry. My heart/brain just turned off towards my husband, probably to keep me from hurting more. I worry about him dying (my mom was widowed at 50). I don't want to be alone, I'm scared and I think I just ran away. In my mind I was going to run away with N and have this happy, normal life. He said we could have a child together. etc etc
I have to retrain my brain and find some other, healthy way of dealing with this...I'm NOT going to contact N, the part of my heart/brain that turned off towards my husband is back on and I will NOT hurt him anymore, no matter what.
But, I have had sick thoughts, like, well if husband does die, I could just have a relationship with the N, I already know him, so I won't have to worry about meeting other people, I know who he is now so he can't hurt me (hahahaha)
I'm so grateful I have this board. I've pictured some of you coming and physically preventing me from contacting N. I'm betting there are some of you who would be willing to do that if the worst happens and my husband dies and I'm left alone. Alone is dangerous for me.
I'm still hoping for the best, hoping the spots are benign and I will have many years left with my chronically ill but loving and supportive husband.

Jun 18 - 6PM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

wacaet

I am so so sorry to hear this news of your husband I am truely praying you both Wacaet, the N is not an option for you I know they are like chameleons and they really do look like they will be a loving and caring partner but they are just the types those nasty N's to abandon you in the midst of intense grief or illness they are so vile and selfish you should be like the female praying mantis wacaet as you would be better served to bite his head off after mating =) LOL sending you support right now!!
Jun 18 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

thanks Bada biting his head

thanks Bada biting his head of sounds good in theory but I'm afraid it'd leave a bad taste in my mouth
Jun 18 - 12PM
jen79
jen79's picture

waceat

I think we are both the same person. My ex had cancer in 2006, this were the worst two years I ever had in my life. I was in PTSD and totally overwhelmed with it all. But I dont know how I did it, I continued my really stressed and busy life this time back, then I slowely managed to get better, my ex too, and then I met the narc. And believe it or not, it took me until now, to realize what really really happened. The narc was my escape, to not feel the horror of loosing my ex back then. And I am not proud of it. I completely detached emotionally then from my ex, and was all involved with the drama with the narc. He ate my soul and what I got was the worst pain in my life. And I lost the ability to manage my life. To function on a very basic level. Now slowely step by step I am back in life. Still I feel the anxiety hit me to loose all my loved ones, to die alone, to be alone, to die early and all this stuff. And every time this happens, I want to contact the narc again, just for a fix so I am distracted. That I didnt realize this earlier what was really going on here. But my emotions were so low and so deep in pain, I was living in narc's world. Now I start to see my ex again, we spend time together, and I cannot believe it, but I feel again the love I once had for him, and I ask myself what the hell was wrong with me to jeopordize what we had for this narc asshole. I think I just couldnt manage anymore this fear of loss, I just wanted to have a normal life like you said, no cancer no nothing. Please, if you love your husband, try to get real whats going on, so you dont regret later. Passion and all the excitement that the narc seemed to offer, it wasnt real, and even if it was, it means nothing, compared to the love two people share together in good and in bad times. I dont wanna tell you what to do, just to look deep within you. You already realized whats going on with you, I didnt, it took me 3 years to see now, why I went nuts. Big big hugs
Jun 18 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

my love for my husband is

my love for my husband is real and it will carry us through whatever comes next...my fear is for after...but I learned in AA to live one day at a time, I just need to apply it I really appreciate that you understand what I'm feeling. It's hard to describe but I think it probably happens to a lot of people (the divorce rate for the chronically ill is really, really high), we were just "lucky" enough to have a Narc come along and use it to their advantage. I feel like I woke up from a really bad dream (the N) and now I'm in another bad dream but this dream has love and family in it.
Jun 18 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
jen79
jen79's picture

waceat exactly

true care and real love, peace and a family. Thats so much more worth. And I am happy you see it too!!! I know it happens very often after cancer, that people seperate. But true love survives it all. Big big hugs
Jun 18 - 1PM
Used
Used's picture

wacaet

I so identify with your post..i came out of hospital in the feb, met narc in march...at the time i was in such a bad place..i was still friends with my exhn and he had let me down again..i was having problems with nieghbours and exh had said to me we are only friends now so i dont want to get involved..WTF..but didnt mind asking me for money and turning up when he was depressed[had a key as well]i was also having big problems with one of my adult children who i loved very much..i took an overdose b/c i dint want to be here anymore...my exh came to see me in hospital looking like a MALE MODEL HE IS VERY HANDSOME...bringing all his charm with him..and with people saying to me you are so lucky to have him..lol i met narc when i came out i was on the floor and was afraid of everything including my own shadow...i needed to feel protected..and narc looks very alpha male, very aggresive so i felt safe in his company and as it was the honeymoon period he was beign the night in shining armour..and i let him dictate where we were going or what we we were going to do that day..and i went along with it as the child i had become, but getting stronger and stronger...i eventually got rid of my exh for good, and i made narc feel like a million dollars how i defered to his orders.lol..getting stronger and stronger...then one day i said NO I DONT FEEL LIKE GOING THERE ,AN EVENT... he said what?..he then disappeared for first time.. i went into school first week..i thought who am i going to go shopping with..who am i going to have hours of coffee and convo with? by week 3 after doing all these things on my own..i relized i didnt need him he needed me as his PROJECT TO LOOK GOOD...when he came back i was completly diffrent and so his game was ramped up to get me to where i was when i met him..it didnt happen so war was declared...the rest is history..my therapist said he was a distraction so you didnt have to face and deal with.. nieghbours, exhn and adult child...HE WAS A DISTRACTION AND I EVENTUALLY TOLD HIM THIS..THE HATE IN HIS FACE WILL LIVE WITH ME FOREVER.... WHAT I DIDNT EXPECT TO BE TAKEN OVER SO COMPLETLY... I SHOULD THANK HIS OW FOR COMING AND TELLING ME ABOUT THEM...IT BECAME MY PROPER EXSCUSE FOR GETTING OUT..A DISTRACTION, MR I AM WONDERFUL.MR NO WOMEN CAN LIVE WITHOUT ME OR GIVE ME UP.....ITS CALLED KARMA NARC!!!!! IT IS SAID WHEN SOMEONE HELPS YOU TO GET WELL, THEY BECOME YOUR LIFE AND HE DID, NOT A DAY WENT BY THAT I WASENT TEXTING HIM OR PHONING HIM[TO HEAR HE HAD TURNED HIS PHONE OFF]..HE BECAME MY MORNING MY EVERYTHING..HE WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE WHO HELPED ME GET BETTER..BUT BY DEFAULT..ITS THE ONLY DECENT THING HE HAS DONE IN HIS LIFE AND HE DIDNT EVEN MEAN TO.
Jun 18 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

Used, thank you for sharing

Used, thank you for sharing this with me. I'm glad the N kept you alive and I hope you will find happiness and joy in the life you have now
Jun 18 - 5AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Counting on a Narc for the

Counting on a Narc for the future is the most scary place in the world to be... its like being in a runaway car with no breaks and the accelerator stuck, you cant jump out. better not get into that Narc car in the first place avoid it.
Jun 17 - 4PM
janine
janine's picture

Never use the N as an escape

Dear wacaet, I wish I could comfort you in your grief. All I can say is that I understand. My worst fear is that I would lose my husband, the person I love more than anyone and who has been there for me for more than 20 years. Compared to that anything to do with the N is peanuts. It may sound strange but that dread was one of the reasons I hung onto the N for many years. I would never have left my husband nor lived with Narc, but he was a bit like a safety net. My husband is not ill. He is, however, much older and though I'd led a happy single life before, I'm terrified I might lose him some day. I had similar thoughts like you have now. Though in the worst case scenario I'd still not have wanted to live with the N, had I kept him in my life, I'd have had someone to sort of fall back on and a ready made social life. Better the devil you know then the devil you don't...Until one night lying next to the N feeling lonely I thought how pointless that would be. I wasn't happy with him then, knew him only too well, what would be the use? And why was I thinking in such a dependent way, when I've always been a self-sufficient person? Things with your N did not work out. If the worst happened and you would end up alone, he would not be the right person to console and support you in the long term. He might try but being Narcs they simply cannot give you warmth and care. You'd be clutching at a straw. Please think about it and get this idea out of your head. For now give your love and care to your husband who needs you. Stay close to your family and friends. I do so hope that your husband will get better and that you will stay strong. Sending you a big hug.
Jun 17 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

don't worry, I know it's

don't worry, I know it's crazy thinking (I know now, I didn't then) I won't act on those feelings, it just helps to get it out
Jun 17 - 3PM
dudette
dudette's picture

he was my way out

I was unhappy I wanted to leave.... well no actually I was not unhappy / but I was not happy although I did not mind I had got used to it by then He told me he tought I was unhappy I deserved to be happy I ought to leave He would make me happy and I would make him happy too We would be together We would marry and bring up our boys together then he made me really unhappy so I have reverted to being not happy and I don't mind..... I have got used to it by now.
Jun 17 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

that pretty much sums it up!

that pretty much sums it up!
Jun 18 - 4AM (Reply to #3)
dudette
dudette's picture

love to you wacaet

Dxxxxx