He sent me this letter..

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#1 Oct 19 - 5AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He sent me this letter..

Rebecca,
I chose not to call you back last night because I was Really Pissed off & I wanted a night to think.
1. NONE of my phones received your claimed first call you obviously didn't & / or rang the wrong number.
2. Your Face book conversation was rude & totally out of line. I don’t appreciate childish name calling. I responded accordingly.
3. I am reliable (seemingly unlike yourself) as when I say I will do something I do it. I said I was coming to the party & I don't (at all) appreciate being questioned over and over about it. You appear to have massive trust issues from previous relationships - get it into your head now that I am a new person.
4. Your constant negativity & indecisiveness is really starting to get me down. Stop it. NOW.
5. I just listened to your voicemail from last night so now I am Really Pissed Off. You need to get a mirror & have a look at yourself Rebecca. I haven't changed at all, but your behaviour this last week or so has been really badly negative & down. Plus there is is only so many many times I can try to refute your negative claims. In the end it seems you just aren't listening.
6. I'm actually quite ill - not that you seem to give a shit, as all you talk about are your own issues.
7. You talk of two way streets & who is set in their ways... and then also say "this is how I am & I won't change". Take a good look at that statement Rebecca.
8. Your endless procrastination about the plane trip in December is symptomatic of the issues here, and now in the context of other issues, really bothers me, SO, I'm Really Pissed Off with, and Disappointed in you. You don't take on board my positive comments, you constantly question me, you should re-read (not for the first time) your Facebook and MSN conversations, and see WHO comes across shitty. I said I would come today, & will if you still want me to. The idea of the restaurant that may, or may not be open when we have to be somewhere at 7pmdoesn't work. And right now you are thinking "do I have any good points"? Yes. Many. And previously enumerated. But it is time to sort some of the negatives out. Calm down. Take a chill pill. STOP IT.
I & those I have discussed YOUR issues with think you're not sleeping is highly unusual, & the sleep expert I have consulted said "no wonder she would be negative". You seriously need to fix that. No one survives on less than 5-6 good hours sleep a night, and 7-9 hours is the normal range for adults. That’s all for now. Arguments are inevitable in any relationship (look at Jan & Peter) what is important & most telling is how people (you) react now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(2 days later I told him to FO)..

Oct 19 - 7PM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Wow. Makes me wonder if

Wow. Makes me wonder if Random capitalization of words is a Symptom of narcissistic Men. Mine did that, too.
Oct 19 - 7PM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

deleting

duplicate response (sorry/new here)
Oct 19 - 5PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Any person that has to 1 to

Any person that has to 1 to 8 their points to you is a Wanker. (he couldnt even make it 10 points which was i bet his intention , pillock .) .You know that noise your fridge makes ? It makes more sence than this . Big Love Peru x
Oct 19 - 1PM
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i have many emails that are

i have many emails that are word for word or as my XN used to say point by point. The same blame game going on about making plans and how your conversation wasnt up to par and blah blah blah blah. Im glad you told him where to go....brings back some vivid memories.
Oct 19 - 8AM
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What an asshole. First he

What an asshole. First he says he is a new person and then he says he hasnt changed! You better fix YOUR issues? Boy, they really hate when you call them on their shit. He is attacking and abusing you because you are doing that. And here is the thing ...NO CONTACT!!!!
Oct 19 - 6AM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Thank you for sharing that

Rebecca, Thank you for sharing your letter. This looks (word for word) like it was written by my EXNBF. Although continuing to work through this mess in my mind, and reading stuff like this makes me feel slightly queasy because it's sooooo incredibly familiar... it also helps to continue cementing for me the personality I was dealing with. I'm so glad you told him to FO!! Have a wonderful Monday!!!
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #23)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Self doubt

Finallydone..No I must thank YOU because although I (think I) come off as pretty sure of myself and the decision to be done with my Ex N.. trust me I am messed up. I think its the open support and the outward venting helping me realise the facts. In reality I am seeking reitteration that I'm on the right track. No contact. No contact. They are so masterful at convincing you its Us? Its just manipulation right? My ex N is highly intelligent but this array of BS sure doesnt portray it. God is that his way of talking to me in a language I understand? (Another underhanded swipe). See what I mean? Manic. They make us manic? Well - if we let them?
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #20)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Hi Rebecca

I agree finallydone, i can't read stuff like this cos it's like i'm breaking NC when i do. My stomach reacts to it. I don't know exactly what it is that affects me, it could be the control or the blame or just the arrogance. This man sounds like your father in his condescending tones. YUK
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #22)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Ellen

You're right. It is crap right? (Right?) This is definitely not 'normal'?
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #21)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Ellen

You're right. It is crap right? This is definitely not 'normal'?
Oct 19 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

amazing how much BS they can pack into one letter

projection Closely linked to hurling accusations is the fine art of projecting. This is both an awful thing to live with and a useful tool for you. I don't mean that you should start projecting. I mean that their projecting can be used to your advantage. Remember that you are their mirror. The things that they accuse you of are the things that apply to themselves. By stepping back and trying to listen objectively instead of getting emotionally hooked, you can get a lot of insight into a narcissist and what he is up to (or is thinking of getting up to). It goes one step further and this is something that I discovered by pure accident with the narcissists in my life. Give them hypothetical problem solving scenarios and listen carefully to their responses. You can get right inside their heads without them even realising it. While they think they are showing you how clever they are, they are in fact revealing themselves in a way that would make them cringe if they realised it. - For goodness sakes never tell them. They will furiously deny it and launch a massive attack against you. blame shifting A common bully tactic. It goes right along with changing the subject and making accusations. As long as he can somehow make you believe that it was all your fault, he's off the hook and you're either left wondering what just hit you or you're falling over yourself (and him) to make it up to him. If you go for the latter option, there is a good chance that he will milk it for all it's worth. It's not always your fault though. It could be his boss, the clerk at the grocery store, the bank teller, the guy who cut him off on the freeway, a lack of sleep, a worrying situation … anyone or anything at all as long as it's not him. Blame shifting is not always obvious because it is not always directly linked to the situation at hand. For example, you complain that he's been touchy and short with you for over a week. A direct blame shift would be to say something like, "that's because you didn't fetch my suit from the cleaners last Tuesday". You were the cause and you're getting the consequence. It's an inappropriately extended punishment, but at least there's a straight line relationship between the two things. With an oblique response, he could have said something like, "well, I blew my job interview on Wednesday." Now you are meant to take up the delightful task of extricating from him exactly why he believes he blew the interview, which at the end of a two hour session will come down to the fact that he felt uncomfortable because he could not wear his favourite suit …. Because you never fetched it from the cleaners." If subtlety is his strength and he knows that it works on you, he would have stopped at the point of not being able to wear his favourite suit and left you to come to your own guilty conclusion as to whose fault that was. A different type of indirect relationship between cause and effect is that he tells you he's been nasty to you because his lucky pen was stolen a week ago. It has nothing at all to do with you, but it shifts blame away from him. Now the cause of your misery is no longer him, it is the unknown person who stole his pen. Either way he wins. If nobody in the situation is to blame, then there is no way to resolve the problem. If you are to blame, then you must fix it. As for him, he is just an innocent victim and utterly blameless, therefore unable to do anything at all to find a solution, but totally justified in being a sod. putting you on the defensive Nobody can do this as adeptly as a bully. Accusations, real or imagined past offences and personal criticism of you are their three favourite tools to this end. Anything to get you hopping and get the focus off themselves. They also use questions that are skillfully worded and artfully delivered. They use facts that they distort ever so slightly so that they are hard to correct. They use skewed logic to turn a situation around from them being guilty to us being the cause. Whichever specific tactic they use, the result is the same: we feel we have to explain, justify, correct and somehow prove our innocence and good intentions. Think for a moment how often you hear yourself saying, "but that's not what I meant", or "but I only meant ..."? These phrases are indicative of a defensive posture and the moment that you begin to defend yourself against verbal abuse you have already lost. As hard as it is, avoid responding to these tactics. Allow yourself to lose the battle because if you don't it will escalate into the war that they're aiming for. If they try to goad you, which is highly likely - they hate silent responses - revert to the techniques for setting boundaries. Refuse to engage and walk away. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/ word salad Schizophasia, commonly referred to as word salad, is confused, and often repetitious, language that is symptomatic of various mental disorders. It sounds right but upon examination is really meaningless and meant to confuse you. IGNORE!!!! NO CONTACT!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 19 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara I just want to say....

I LOVE You!!!
Oct 19 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

phew!

at least someone other than my children does! Thanks! Nice way to start my week. ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 19 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I Lost The Battle ... And Thank God!!!

You just sum things up so perfectly and in such correct perspective. Very reassuring. Thank you for the ever-support. 'Allow myself to lose the battle'. Perfect.
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

OMG, that sounds exactly

OMG, that sounds exactly like my ex. That is unbelievable. It's exactly how "S" would write to me. Use those same words and psycho babble projecting all his behaviors onto me and taking no responsibility for his actions. Warped and twisted thinking. Just more and more confirmation for me that I am the healthy one! I've been NC for over 9 weeks despite him trying to contact me. I feel great! Thank you for sharing that ~ Jenny
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

9 weeks ..good on you

Hi Jenny, I'm only at the 3 week mark and battling. You're right about 'pyscho-babble'.. Bloody utter shite. Q. How are we ever to give another bloke a fair go after this?
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #15)
Bewildered (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Could Have Been Written by My N

Rebecca, that email is sooooo much like those I received that when I read it I started feeling an anxiety attack coming on. This is all still very fresh for me. Thank you for sharing. It helps me tremendously because I too was blamed for everything and having been raised by a N father and an N mother, I am all too willing to accept blame in interpersonal relationships. (By the way, I NC'd both of my parents over 25 years ago, and it wasn't difficult at all -wish this one was as easy)
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #16)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Bewildered x

May I please ask.. How old were you when you released yourself of both the N parents madness? Would you be willing to share.. At what age did it actually occur to you that "hang on- this (definitely) aint right???" I am haunted by the (known) behaviours of my ex Ns 2 children/ he has two kids, one age 8 and one 10. Both displaying significantly unusual behaviours. The girl (Age 8) was beyond desperate. Her cries for help to me leave me in raptures. Turned my back on these poor unfortunate children. I've never turned my back on social responsibility in my life. Should I have done more? And how? Wishing you a blessed life Bewildered xx
Oct 19 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
Bewildered (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I Intinctively Knew I Had to Get Away in my late 20's early 30's

"May I please ask.. How old were you when you released yourself of both the N parents madness? Would you be willing to share.. At what age did it actually occur to you that "hang on- this (definitely) aint right???" Rebecca, I was a young adult. I let my mother go first. My parents were divorced and I lived with my father and grandmother and later step-mother. I was a very unhappy child and people reacted to me negatively because I was so "sullen". Actually, I was suffering from depression as l later learned and I still struggle with this today. One day I just realized my father was a mean, calous bully. I was terrified of him all of my life, even now. But, at one point in my early 30’s I had just had enough and NC’d him. I NC’d my mother in my mid 20’s. I actually saw her 3 years ago, thinking she might have changed, but she hadn’t changed at all and in fact was worse! So, I cut her off again. My father was truly horrible, worse than any nightmare I could have had. He was both physically and emotionally abusive. He did it all: He played us (my siblings) against one another, would rage for no apparent reason and when he did at least one if not more of us got hurt. He was cold, manipulative, vicious when he went into one of his rages and he seemed to enjoy all the havoc he caused in the family. EVERYONE outside of our family thought he was the most charming wonderful person and enjoyed him thoroughly socially. No one believed us if we tried to tell anyone what he was really like so we gave-up. In fact, I was told by a high school counselor that I was the one with a problem and was suspended until I got pshychological help. I had "such a loving and supportive family, a nice home blah blah, blah." I left home right after my 16th birthday, but after I turned 19 I spent many years trying to get my father’s approval. We were raised to believe that if he didn’t approve of us, love us, etc. then we were worthless. I am the oldest of 9 and the only one of my siblings who managed to live a fairly normal life. My siblings that are still living are a mess and have joined the ranks of the dregs of society – unemployed, many children (later abandoned) from different men, using people, drugs, alcohol, AIDS, criminal records etc. I had to NC them too because they were draining me financially and emotionally. I sought help when I was in my 20’s. Was in therapy for 10 years on and off. I had many issues. My therapist actually told me that the only thing that saved me was cutting off my family. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but what I can tell you is that you loving them can very well make the difference for them later. To this day, the woman who lived next door to me when I was a child is my surrogate mom. She is a wonderful grandmother to my son and she is the only family we have now that she has lost her husband. She made the difference and I didn't see her much after we moved when I was 9 years old. Now I see her regularly. What I can tell you is that my step-mother was destroyed by my father and could not leave him. I didn’t realize just how badly she had been damaged by him until I found this site and started reading about these monsters. She never did leave. She died instead. Succumbed to cancer. Literally gave up, it was her only way out. I eventually realized that my father had some issues as did my mother, but I didn’t know what was wrong with them until I started reading these posts and articles. My "N" is so much like my father it sickens me. I didn't realize this until the D&D started. He was even born in the same month!
Oct 19 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Sullen

Wow, bewildered, thanks for sharing all of that. I didn't go NC from my parents, but my mom too suffered from depression, never got out and succumbed to cancer at an early age. She used to always tell me I was "sullen" (very same word) and she couldn't figure out why. My N dad too was adored by outsiders (mr. fun and witty) but he was a selfish man who didn't give a rip about me. He didn't physically abuse me but he always made his verbal digs and I know his behavior toward me or dismissal of me made me who I am today. An Acon. I am free from my dad now as he died 12 years ago. I was weird after he died...I felt freed from "something". Didn't exactly know what. Now after two N relationships that exploded and left me filled with shrapnel, I can see the whole chain of events and connections. Daunting yet liberating.
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

Thank you, Rebecca! There

Thank you, Rebecca! There are great men out there! Just don't even think about that yet. I know I am still in the process of healing and hear everyone on here about not rushing it....which I find that I do. I do feel that I went through the worst part but I am so proud of myself for having the courage to face all the pain in order to free myself of him. I am stronger because of it. I am the complete opposite of him.....I allow myself to feel, no matter what the feeling is. He is a coward too afraid to face feelings and deal with things from his past. I say this prayer everyday and it gives me faith that I am on the right path to happiness.......The Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And wisdom to know the difference Living one day at a time Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace Taking as He did this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next. Amen I am not too religious, but I am a spiritual person and this gives me great comfort. "Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace".....so true.
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Awesome x

I think you're right and as I read of so many women (& mens) awful long term N experiences I know there's truth in that there is always someone worse off. You said his acts are those of a coward. In my original post "He sent me this letter'. he makes reference of me calling him 'childish names'. That very reference was precisely that.. I called him a coward. If the cap fits? Hehe Thanks for the serenity prayer. I'm like you-not overly religious. But where there is faith there is hope? I never allowed him to make me feel hopeless. I wonder if that was his master plan? To make a person feel hopeless? Divine Art Thee (NOT!) Still cant wrap my mind around this. WHY do they do it??
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

WHY do they do it??

Because They are PREDATORS and this is the ONLY WAY OF LIVING for them and they are NOT HUMAN Brain Scans have shown THEIR BRAINS are different Incurable Evil Stop trying to figure out "what they meant" - and just stay NO CONTACT: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/27/what-they-say-vs-what-they-really-meant ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Analytical ! ..And understanding WHY??!!?

Yes you're probably right Barbara. But hell- I work as an analyst. It's in the nature of my role to thoroughly discect a matter until the truth be known! Its like- once I can properly understand the science..then maybe then (and only then) can I let it go. Besides. That pretend guy broke my heart in 21 places. Ha B*stards $#!!**%?@!!%#
Oct 19 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Bewildered (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I Know Exactly How You Feel

Rebecca, I have been struggling with the same issue...WHY? And, I sure know what you mean by him breaking your heart in 21 places. I do think I finally figured out what set mine off, and it is so remote that it didn't occur to me until today! It also explains why he still tries to contact me. It was so sudden, he wasn't prepared with replacement NS!
Oct 19 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Susan31 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What was the trivial matter that set him off?

Bewildered I am in no way conceited.. My pretend guy 'left the building' over a trivial issue too. What happened was this, We went out to a get-together of his previous work colleagues / supposing 'Industry professionals'. Two different people as purely a joke, upon meeting me for first time said to him "She is so far out of your league".. And "She is way too good for you". I was SHOCKED by the reaction. He was livid. Now it adds up to me. How DARE I take the spotlight off his perfect self? How dare it not be all about him? It just spiralled from then on. It was text book, it was rapid, it was extremely nasty.. just astonishing. 'What does it profit a man if he gain the whole world and yet lose his soul?' -Oscar Wilde
Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
Bewildered (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The Issue That I Believe Set Him in Motion

Everything was going great, no problems at all and then it started. 3 days before his last weekend visit he became very excited about sending me referrals from a group of business owners he belongs to. Told me to get ready to make a lot of money because these people "respected him and his opinion" and often went to him for advice. Guess what happened. One of 140 called me. That weekend he was totally different but when I brought it up he vehemently denied that he was any different at all. Told me he is and was the same man he has always been. When he got home, he called and told me he couldn't handle dealing with my son, just too painful right now. So I said ok,we'll take him out of the equation for the time being. Then the following morning he sent me an email first thing telling me that he was going to have dinner with his ex while we were in LA and that I shouldn't be insecure. He knew that would set me off and it did. All along he was trying to make me angry so I would start a fight. It got very ugly after that. 10 days of horrible emails from him, then when I spoke with him on the phone and told him his emails were so horrible I couldn't even read them anymore he very casually said, "Really, they didn't mean anything." After that he went out of his way to start another argument with me, but I think he was trying to make me leave him. By doing this, he didn't have to face the humiliation of explaining why only one of these business people who had so much respect for him called to establish an account. I felt that he was trying to leave me, but wanted me to do it, so I wouldn't play the game. Finally, he had no choice but to email saying we had so many insurmountable issues that it was probably better that we end the relationship and then asked if I agreed. It was all a set-up. I believe that in his sick twisted mind, this was the only way to rid himself of the humiliation he had to feel when he was not as highly regarded as he wanted me to believe and as he believed himself! This way, if I ever raised the issue about the referrals, he would tell me that I am too unstable and he is not comfortable referring anyone to me. That's it. Based on what I have read on this forum I was very fortunate to get out before it really got bad. He broke my heart and gaslighted me but nothing like what I have read here, in fact, this was our first argument. It was all my fault, he would not discuss it with me because there was nothing to discuss unless I was willing to admit that I was wrong and apologize. When I refused and insisted on sharing my perspective he talked over me repeating that I was pushing him away. I said good-bye, hung up and have not made any attempt to contact him. "Pretend Guy" I really miss. But the man I have been dealing with this past two months is not anyone I want to know or have anything to do with.
Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why

get a hold of the book WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS (don't be put off by the title) it will explain a LOT: https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=85733&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2&cl=4660 Because they are Predators. That's why. You can NOT NOT NOT make rational sense out of an irrational & disordered mind. Ever. Worry about you and your healing. Let the psycho go be a predator elsewhere. In the end, it doesn't matter why. Even top researchers can' figure out why other than the malformations in the brain and their downright evil. Yes I said EVIL. they are the FACE OF EVIL. NOT HUMAN NOT HUMAN NOT HUMAN. (I am not joking here) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.