He Seems Happy Now. Will I EVER Be Happy Too?
He Seems Happy Now. Will I EVER Be Happy Too?
by Sandra Brown, MA
There is a lot of distortions that go on about the pathological man's ability to 'be happy.' One of the issues of permanent personality disorders and pathology is that at the core of them is alot of unhappiness. That is why they have so many angry outbursts, attitude problems, and failed relationships.
Some of them 'fake' the external appearance of 'happy-go-luck' or act as if their lives are fine. Women need to look below the 'presentation.' Part of the problem for women is they tend to believe 'at face value' his presentation. That's why she fell for it the first time in getting in the relationship with him. Then she falls for it a second time when she believes his external presentation of his 'life without her in it.'
I chanted it like a mantra so I'll continue to say it, "Nothing changes in pathology because it's hard-wired to not change." So if he was horrible with you, he'll be horrible with her (eventually). If he was at the core of himself, miserable/ unhappy/ unsuccessful NOTHING will change. Go deeper than looking at this flash-in-the-pan faux presentation that he WANTS you to see and then feel bad you are not with him. Psychopathology does not change. Not now, not with someone, not ever. He's in a honeymoon phase with her just like he was with you.
BUT the real question is will YOU ever be happy again? Women misread their ability to be happy in the future because they are all wrapped up in STILL watching him, rating him, gauging his happiness against hers. Why are you STILL watching him? What in the world does he have to do with YOUR future happiness? The longer you watch him, the more miserable you stay and the longer you postpone your own joy.
Some of the women's biggest fears is that he will go on and have this fabulous life and 'be good to another woman' and she will never meet anyone.
A.) He won't treat someone well -- he's not capable. That IS pathology -- the inability to change, grow, or develop insight about your own behavior.
B.) You have the capacity to get a better relationship but you're using all your energy on still watching him over your shoulder and worrying about HER fun with HIM.
What healthy guy wants to be with a woman who is obsessed with a pathological man? Her eyes are not on THEIR new emerging relationship but on what he's doing next. She's filled with regret and revenge -- not really good material for a new relationship, eh?
It IS understandable why you are angry as he 'appears' to be happy with someone else and you are not. But everything in a pathological's life is an 'illusion.' You KNOW that by now. It is also understandable after what you have lived through that you 'wonder' if you'll always pick pathologicals, if you're too damaged to ever have a healthy relationship, if you are even CAPABLE of feeling joy...
Those are totally normal questions considering what you've been thru. But finding those answers for yourself is not found in the glancing over your shoulder at him. There's no going back. 'Drag an ax and clear a path' into your future. Work on yourself (let us help you!) so you understand 'why' you choose someone like that, 'how' you ignored so many red flags, and 'understand' your own personality traits that leave you vulnerable for relationships like that. Then, when you've done all the work, LIVE.
Don't search it out on internet dating sites where PREDATORS live. Just live a joyful life and allow that health, vibrance, and joy to direct you. It's when you aren't seeking that you find that which you have been waiting for. A man is not the 'cake' -- a relationship is only the icing on the cake of a good life.
Heal you, get a great life... and the rest will fall into place. I guarantee if you do those things, you will be happy and that's what life is all about. My mother when she was dying said "I'm not afraid to die because I've lived a great life. I've had so much fun and I've been so loved. Who could ask for more?"
In between one of my D&D
Thank You
Barbara
He Seems Happy Now. Will I EVER Be Happy Too?
thanks thanks thanks
This is really good. Thanks
Thanks Barbara, this is
Ending the dance
thanks
micala
I needed this. Thanks