Is he a narc? Or am I an emotional wreck?

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confusedenough
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Is he a narc? Or am I an emotional wreck?

Hi, I am new here but I just really wanted some advice as I am going round in circles.
Okay, about 3 years ago I broke up with a boyfriend who I was with for 3 years! I loved him more than anything in the world and at the beginning I was in heaven! He was so into me and made me feel like I was the one he had been waiting for – I think part of him may have even believed it for a certain amount of time. Whether it was because I had never been hurt in a relationship before and thus was very trusting, or whether it was because of another reason. Anyway, he had a bad reputation of being a player/cheat and I was warned to stay away! And I did for 2 years! But I enjoyed the attention he gave me when I bumped into him – I never ever thought I would fall for him though. But I did!.
He showered me with compliments, presents, took me on holiday and said he had never felt this way – all his friends said they had never seen him this way with a girl – and I too had never felt this way! I finally met ‘the one’ anyways, to cut a long story short – as the relationship progressed I got to know he had anger issues – he hit me a couple times – but then cried and I forgave him, believing it was partly my fault as I can be fiery too. But then I started to feel he was cheating on me – I could feel it in my gut!!! But had no proof! This is when the relationship started deteriorating and he started manipulating me, making me feel paranoid, he was always out with his friends (to be honest he was like that from the beginning but made me believe I was so ‘cool’ that I ‘understood how men needed lots of male time’). He broke up with me and said it was because I was so paranoid and he couldn’t handle it – however he wasn’t giving up on us! we carried on sleeping together and I carried on being loyal! This is when I completely lost myself!I squashed my emotions but it is hard to do that for too long! I didn’t want to scare him off! I felt empty/paranoid/scared that I was crazy and had ruined it with the love of my life – and he make me believe all this.
Anyways the truth always comes out – and so it did- after he ended it with me ‘because I was too emotional and I need to go and get myself strong again like I used to be’ I started hearing about all the girls he had been sleeping with behind my back from the very beginning! He was a member of affair websites! He basically was not the person I knew and I felt relieved that I wasn’t mental but also sick and heartbroken that it had all been a lie. I got over it 2 years later! And was finally ready to date again J
However I know what I am looking for and I want that ‘buzz’ that you get when you meet someone you really like, nothing else will do. Date after date I hadn’t met anyone I really liked. Until one day I did, I met him at a party. I was quite drunk but apparently gave him my number as he messaged me the next day. I fell for him before we even went on our first date because he said all the right things! He was funny, communicated well, and he sent me a picture and he was gorgeous! He called lots leading up to the date! Told me I was amazing and stunning and he felt a real connection!!! And so did I!!! First date was fab although he did tell me a bit about how he had been brought up in an abusive environment and his mum left when he was 11. 2nd date he proceeded to tell me more about his past – I felt so sorry for him! But it was also a red flag because my ex had childhood issues too where he had no relationship with his mum. The new guy then told me he had various mental health issues but doctors weren’t about to define exactly what, but that he definitely has a personality disorder. He was very sweet though and I didn’t believe anything was wrong with him, on the second date he once again wined and dined me! Made me laugh! Seemed warm! And actually I liked his openness about his past and mental health and the fact he had got help (although he had not always stuck to the therapy). However, I wasn’t sure about him…I started to wonder if he really was the one! By the third date I was head over heels! Wow! Finally met the one!!!! Cloud 9! All the past heartache was worth it. As time went on we spent more time at his, sex was amazing however I kept a bit of a distance and we saw each other once a week. I then wanted to know ‘what we were’ and he said he hated labels but was ready and if he meets the right person he will commit! That he is a commitment phobe but he knows he is ready now and that he thinks we are going in that direction and we are not dating others. More time passed I wouldn’t get with anyone else and then started feeling trapped as there was no label! And I started to feel like I did with my ex!!! In limbo! I put it down to me being paranoid cos of past hurt! I then ended it with the new guy once a month as I was sure something wasn’t right! He would make comments about my age (I am 3 years older but don’t look it) he started to text me randomly ‘slag’ and ‘bitch’ and when I queried it he said I was too sensitive and it was a joke!!! He told me he wanted to do some nasty things with me in bed (beat me in bed) and when I asked him why he said that he was an evil man! But then he would swap back to being loving and kind again and I thought maybe I was too prudish and thinking too much! Whenever I ended it he made out I was being irrational and that he had been nothing but nice to me and I he didn't know if he was coming or going with me - I ended up saying sorry all the time and promising I won't do it again!!! He ended up making me feel that I had issues! I started believing once again that I did! But he was so lovely too and gorgeous and the sex was amazing and he would cuddle me in bed and seem loving and I didn’t want to let that go because I believed I was insecure because of my ex and taking this new guy wrong. When I tried to tell him about my ex to explain my ‘irrational and oversensitive behaviour’ he would say that it wasn’t his problem and I should speak to a therapist as it is putting him off me as it is early days and we should be having fun. He then would not text me back for ages, yet he used to straight away. He stopped communicating. I believed I had ruined it! But enough was enough as I didn’t want to lose myself again – so I ended it once and for all after 6 months together. He asked if we could still be friends! I agreed. A week later I changed my mind once again as I started worrying that I made a mistake and I missed him so so much and so I asked him if he wants to try again and he said he was seeing someone new. I felt sick! It had just been a week!!!! I thought he liked me lots!!! I started think It was all my fault. I regretted ending it!!! A month later I told him I missed him and he reminded me that I was the one who ended it and that he now was in a relationship and had found the one. I know its true as I have seen them together. All in love. She is young and gorgeous. I know I am attractive as often get told but I feel like a mess! A reject! Like worthless. He seemed so into me! He introduced me to his friends! He seemed so lovely. I am confused. One minute I miss him so much and beat myself up and feel guilty!!!! The next I truly believe he really was disordered and I'm just going round in circles!!!! Do you think this guy is a Narcissist? Is he happy now? I am thinking about having some therapy to resolve my issues. I am 32 years old, he was 29 his new girlfriend is 22. I feel so jealous! I feel so sad! I feel so addicted to him!!! We ended 4 months ago.
Sorry for essay.

rebeccawho
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you are awesome

rebecca

confusedenough
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Thank you so much for your
confusedenough
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Please can someone reply with
confusedenough
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Ps I've come off all social