He is leaving his wife

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#1 Feb 6 - 8AM
Maggster
Maggster's picture

He is leaving his wife

My N is on vacation with his wife of 40 years. He begged me before he left to stay with him and to repair our relationship.He wanted me to join him on the island where he is with her after she leaves as I have done for the past 10 years. I told him no and I was going NC-

I had learned this past year about his OW and have since been trying to break away. I know what and who he is and isn't- I am reading, am in therapy and this morning I received this e-mail-

"I don't know what bearing this will have on your decision making process, but B and I have mutually and amicably decided to separate. I'm going to live in the VT house and she in MA. We're both ready and overdue to do this. Just wanted you to know."

Spinning isn't strong enough to explain how I feel...

Feb 9 - 11AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I will venture to say that

I will venture to say that they are words you waited ten years to hear. And now, you are hearing those words and it is sending you spiraling, and rightfully so. It is by design.....he knows he is losing you and is pulling out all the stops to secure his supply. This relationship will never improve, and it will only get worse with each new year. He can not be trusted, he should not be trusted. Stay NC and heal from this relationship. If not you will find yourself at the end of a long line of people who are important in his life, the first and only one that really has a place in that line is him. Stay strong.......it will get easier.
Feb 9 - 11AM (Reply to #41)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Sparrow thank you

I think those words could be applied to a lot of us esp if a hoover gets through..funny they manage to find just the right words to send you spinning off the cosmos x
Feb 8 - 8AM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Spinning isnt stong enough to

Spinning isnt stong enough to explain how you feel?????? I mean no disrespect but how do YOU feel??? YOU and only YOU can tell how YOU feel...... In my opinion...if you are true to your NC...you should be acting like he is dead...whether he leaves his wife or not...who cares???? You are done with him....True NC means you dont know what is going on in his life....NC means that you blocked every way possible for him to get in touch with you...so since he was able to contact you tells me that you are NOT truely NC.....THAT is the problem right here... The question isnt how you should be feeling....the question is ...do you really want NC with this man? If you are truely ready to heal and move FORWARD....YOU MUST follow the steps...otherwise youre just wasting your time!!! I dont mean to sound harsh....I just want to give you a dose of reality! xoxo
Feb 7 - 6AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Leaving his Wife

I like his line about a mutual & amicable separation. I say: He's lying. Why suddenly after all these years? My take: She's dumped him. She can't take it any more. Why do I say this? My N told me that he left his first wife. He told her that he met this OW & had been seeing her for 6 months & the marriage was over. When I met him, he had just ended it with OW -- or so he told me. When I left him, I contacted his first wife (I was 2nd wife). She told me she tossed him out of the house when she discovered that while their daughter was having emergency brain surgery & could have died (1 week in hospital), he was off with OW traveling. When she & her daughter were away for 2 weeks recovery (after the hospital) for the daughter after surgery, he had OW in the house sleeping in the maritial bed. When she tossed him out he begged her not to end their marriage. he couldn't live alone, so he went to OW & moved into her tiny, tiny welfare apartment (also to save $ even though he has money). When I left mine, he had a new woman within 24 hours. I'm not kidding. She moved into the maritial dwelling which I still co-owned exactly 4 months after I left him & 4 months after they started. She contacted me after she left him & the lies he told about me & our relationship & our end. Believe nothing this man tells you. No man keeps a woman he loves on a line for as long as he kept you. And he has had affairs with other women as well. Forget him. he's a liar & a manipulator. I think you possibly have no idea all the lies he tells or all the levels he operates on.
Feb 8 - 4AM (Reply to #38)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

absolutely Agree Agnes. they

absolutely Agree Agnes. they can not be trusted with anything. they lie as a sport. mi e couldnt even wipe his own ass without help. they always have supply to make their life go round.
Feb 6 - 8PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

interesting

Three days ago you stated you were dying with NC, now you have had contact do you feel any better? Compare the choices you have - NC or continue a life of lies and pain this choice is up to you - lies and pain, that is all he ever gave me in the end, now I wonder why I hung on to it for dear life when it almost killed me x0x0
Feb 6 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

I'm here and I'm listening

I'm here and I'm listening and I'm really trying hard to figure it out. Believe me, I hate this conflict. I want to wake up and move forward without allowing him another second of my thoughts. I want that more than anything I have ever wanted in my life.
Feb 6 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Dear M

Then you have to do the work sweet pea, there is no other way around it - you have a ways to go before you will no longer have thoughts about him you first have to start having thoughts about YOU and in time, slowly he will fade. I also knew the pain of loving a man such as this who NEVER left his partner and he never will - Reality check - this man does not love you, or his wife because he is destroying you and destroying her behind her back - would you like to be his wife and have him cheat on you with others? Is that the prize you are waiting for ? This is no prize and you will win NOTHING - he has himself a nice little triangle here and he will promise you the world to keep it - this man is a rotten son of a bitch just as mine was and still is - Dont let him destroy what is left of your life - x0
Feb 6 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
StarLight (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I LOVE your Post. You are SO

I LOVE your Post. You are SO Open and you are TRYING so hard. Keep Going Forward, Girl ! I Can FEEL YOUR SPIRIT !!! Blessings StarLight
Feb 6 - 1PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

NO CONTACT

If he was blocked on your email you would not have even seen the hoovering, hooking email he typed while on vacation with his poor wife. Block him now so he can't do this to you. Do you really want to be with a man that cheats on a wife of 40 years with you and others? My father was a raging, successful NARC. He abused and cheated on my mother for over 30 years, before he died a tragic death. My mother was and is still so terribly screwed up because of it. She never told a soul what was going on until he died. He left a string of woman looking for insurance policies in their name when he died. SICK. My brother was the same, with BPD as well. When he died in an accident, I had to handle his mess. I received phone calls for 6 months from woman all over the U.S. thinking they were his GF. SICK. You are so much more than a NARC's statistic.
Feb 6 - 11AM
Isis
Isis's picture

Even if you ask him to show

Even if you ask him to show you first the divorce papers, there's still the OW, something you will never be able to control. And of course, he's not going to get a divorce. He's hoovering you back, to be back at his control, at his normal game, putting you on the place he wants you to be: under his control. Move on, dear. I know it's difficult, but for your own sanity you really have to.
Feb 6 - 9AM
HelpMeHeal
HelpMeHeal's picture

Well, it's unanimous....

He. Is. Not. Leaving. His. Wife. All of the married ones say this. They never act on it. They are pathological liars and say whatever it is they think you need to hear. This is all one big sick evil game. Do not believe a word he says.
Feb 6 - 2PM (Reply to #21)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

I feel so sad for him

I know what everyone is saying-what I don't understand is why do I feel both so sad and sorry for him. He hurt me so terribly, lies, insults, manipulations etc. What is my problem?
Feb 6 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
Used
Used's picture

Maggster

I have been looking for your story, is it here?....do you mind me asking how old you are?...... your therapist has suprized me, telling you to look on forums on the internet.... My therapist told me the reverse....that I may get conflicted.... so when I look at your posts, saying the same thing all the time....and then asking...WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?.... I realy feel you should go back to your therapist and ask her to earn her money....rather than dismissing you by telling you to join forums...... you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, and yet never actually answer one thing... I think you should have some words with your therapist or maybe get a new one......god bless you.
Feb 6 - 7PM (Reply to #26)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

Me

I guess I never wrote my story; I have posted questions and have been reading a lot of books and articles on NPD. I'm sorry if I'm saying the same thing. I'm so confused. I just turned 50 and I have 3 children, two boys in college and my daughter graduated and is working. My ex-husband discovered that I was having an affair 15 years ago and left me. My kids maintained a good relationship with him as they got older but he never spoke to me again. Any correspondence was thru e-mail. I knew my N was married but he told me he was truly unhappy and only I brought him happiness but he just couldn't hurt her. My relationship with my N essentially was the same as everyone else-fairy tale like at the beginning. He wrote me love letters, bought me flowers etc. In time, there were things that happened that were out of character for him.They were often subtle and he had the knack of charming his way out of it. Fast fwd- I walked on eggshells, began doubting myself, etc. etc. etc. He didn't like my clothes so bought me all new ones... he put me down but then right back on the pedestal again. Eventually I found out about yet another woman but believed the lies about her...He played me like a fiddle-I know all this- A co-worker saw me crying and asked if she could tell me something. I listened to what she had to say and she told me she thought he was a narcissist. (He used to work where I do. He retired 6 years ago.) I looked it up that night and read all night long. Everything fit-all the pieces of the puzzle were there but I still loved him. He lied to me about horrible things but he is brilliant and always managed to get me to come around. I finally told him if we were to stay together, he would have to go to a therapist. And so he did-his therapist told him he wanted to see me as well and I went twice. The therapist saw that I have no self esteem, am depressed and stuck in a very destructive relationship. He said he wanted to send me to a woman he knows that specializes in situations like this. He also said I was addicted to my N and recommended 100 days NC which I tried and failed. I have been working with my therapist and think we have a good connection. She actually knew of this particular forum as well as another and suggested I look into them. I am a very private person and reaching out is very difficult. M.
Feb 6 - 8PM (Reply to #28)
StarLight (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I checked your Profile which

I checked your Profile which stated you were between 30-40 years old. Now you say you just turned 50. Hmmm.
Feb 6 - 8PM (Reply to #29)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

I saw that it said 30/40 - I

I saw that it said 30/40 - I thought I changed it. I am 50 .
Feb 6 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
StarLight (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks for your honesty.

Thanks for your honesty. Always a good thing. :o)
Feb 6 - 7PM (Reply to #27)
StarLight (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh Maggster.....You have

Oh Maggster.....You have shared so very much. Thank you. I was 54 years old when I *met* my N online---which almost ended my 35-year marriage. I thought I was much TOO old and so stupid to have this happen. It went on for 7 years and I am now finally beginning to *recover*. I went through hypnosis, readings, cryings, craziness. Thank you for sharing your story. My story is so inane. He and I only met twice in 'real life'. Thank goodness there was no wife. He's a life-long bachelor but the PAIN was terrible. Blessings. StarLight
Feb 6 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You feel sorry for him??

You feel sorry for him?? Really?? And what about you?? His wife?the OW? His fucking till the cows come home and he's enjoying it.. You need to step it up here with " the Path Forward" do you have the book? are you working the steps? Hunter
Feb 6 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
StarLight (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I couldn't see this either

I couldn't see this either for the longest time. I read and read and read. And worked the Steps. But I kept feeling so sorry for him. Finally after enough 'getting kicked in the head', I saw the Light. So I understand this part of it. It was a very very painful stage. Stages are of different lengths and we all experience them in different ways. Blessings. StarLight
Feb 6 - 2PM (Reply to #22)
StarLight (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You are a very caring and

You are a very caring and loving person. That is not a 'problem'. You may, however, want to shift that loving back to YOU. YOU come FIRST. Once you do that, you may not feel so sorry for him because you will see that HE is doing this to himself. Help YOURSELF FIRST. Save the compassion for you as you cannot 'save' another. Blessings. StarLight
Feb 6 - 9AM
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

He's not leaving his wife. He

He's not leaving his wife. He told you in the message what his REAL agenda is. QUOTE" I don't know what bearing this will have on your decision" Did you hear that? "bearing on your decision" He's trying to effect your decision. He's trying get you back on the hook long enough to figure out how to reel you back in.
Feb 6 - 9AM
StarLight (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Even if he does follow

Even if he does follow through on his words and actually leave his wife, HOW does that change the fact of the kind of person that he is ? He's a narc. He cheats. He apparently cannot 'survive' without a woman ( supply ) in his life. Take a deep breath between the tears. Why would you want him at ALL ? Blessings. StarLight
Feb 6 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

The truth,

When I met the ow who had been on and off with my narc for the last 10 years, she shared some clear facts with me. She told me I knew what kind of man he was when I got with him. He was married living with me (w children) and then going home on the weekends to be with his wife and children. He separated from his wife 4 year ago. Still are not divorce. She started to name different women he cheated with throughout the years. These were women he told me were friends or just dated. He told her he was divorce. I asked her have you seen the papers . No, she said he told they there closed. When I called his ex-wife, (I thought) she told they were still married. Don't lie to yourself, he will never be faithful. I saw this ow and thought to myself you given this fool 10 years of your life for what. A few diamonds, cars, and not be feel lonely. She's addicted to him, just like I was for two years. Just like you, Don't waste your life for him. Do the work needed to find out why you feel don't deserve someone to love you. Everyone is here to support you on this journey. Hugs The truth, yea he's a narc and a cheater.
Feb 6 - 9AM
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

First thing I thought of when I read this.....

LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE. NOSE IS LONG AS THE TELEPHONE WIRE. Don't know why but that is what popped in my head when I read your post. Big liar! Sorry you are spinning...... stay strong.
Feb 6 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

Maggster

Its all lies.... noway is he going to leave his wife of 40years Not for you not for anyone.... she is his backup...his backbone...his wife... HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HER.... THIS IS A PATHETIC PROMISE, B/C YOU ARE *MISBEHAVING* IF HE REALY IS GOING TO LEAVE HER... WHY NOT INVITE YOU THERE...WHILE SHE IS STILL THERE?.. AFTER ALL , WHAT HAS HE GOT TO LOSE? HE IS LEAVING HER ANYHOW?
Feb 6 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

I can't stop crying. He

I can't stop crying. He begged me before he left last week to come after she leaves and I said no and started NC. He has been telling me for months he is going to leave her and was waiting for the right time. I can't think-I'm so confused...Why would he say it if it isn't true?
Feb 7 - 8AM (Reply to #15)
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

If he does leave his wife,

If he does leave his wife, then what? He will be with you and be faithful to you? Nope, hes a narcissist. You will become her, and someone else will become you. You need to accept defeat and let him go. He will never give you what you want and need and you will never be able to trust him and he will never make you happy. Let him go, trust the people here that the pain will eventually go away if you go through with NC. But you have to stick to it, see it through, moving right through the pain, dealing with it, experiencing it, right through the most painful part and one day it will just start to hurt less and less and less. Do you want this feeling of pain and insanity for your life or do you want to feel normal again? Because this sickness is all this man will ever give you, ever if he leaves the wife... which he wont, because he is a lying narcissist and he will always have an OW or a few and just as he claims undying love to you, he will be doing it to all the OW's as well.
Feb 6 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Soldier Girl
Soldier Girl's picture

Why

Why would he say it if it's not true ? Can u be a narc and not be one of the biggest liars in the world?