he has a new GF and I have mixed emotions

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#1 Mar 27 - 9PM
reneek
reneek's picture

he has a new GF and I have mixed emotions

This was inevitable. It was a just a matter of time and I am very happy that he has a new GF because it is someone else he can put his energy on to torture one day. It is hard though because the new GF is someone he met when he and I were still somewhat together and trying to work it out. They have known each for over 2 years -- so I do not know how new this is. So if they are a new couple then she hasn't seen his crap yet. If the have been together for a while why hasn't she seen his crap yet. She seems incredibly smart, interesting, self confident and so on. So that is where the mixed emotion comes in. How come he is nice to her? Why was he so mean and cruel to me? Why does he continue to be mean and cruel to me? All I really did was love him. We have a child together, I don't understand how he can be so awful to me. And here is the interesting part -- because he behaved so badly last year I had to file a restraining order on him. The judge moved our exchange site to the police station. He brought his new GF to pick her up at the police station. Doesn't she suspect there might be something off about that? My guess is he is probably getting a lot of love and attention with the victim sympathy card about what I do to him -- that is how he got me.

I don't know. I am happy and confused. There is one thing that I am pretty disgusted by though -- he and his new GF slept i the same bed in the same bedroom as our 3.5 year old daughter and my ex-N will only sleep in the nude particularly when with a woman ... so I am pretty grossed out by that.

Any words from anyone -- as this is the part -- when they find someone that makes you (me) feel like I was the crazy one which he tried to convince me of thousands and thousands and thousands of times. So much gaslighting and now that he has the GF it does lead to more questioning of myself and what really happened. Silly I know.

Mar 28 - 2PM
reneek
reneek's picture

funny thing

I am in my early 40s -- had a baby with my exN. His first wife left him for the same reason I did. He told me when it ended that no one would think that 2 women left him. So he smear campaigned me every which way but east. Broke my heart because I lost a lot of people I truly loved and they have no clue because they were told I went insane and to stay away. Ironally, he and his exwife used to fight all the time and suddenly they became best friends (it was all about image). He tried to get my family against me too and they just laughed at him -- like really? my daughter? my sister? my best friend? You's smoking crack there is no way she is capable of the things you say. My whole family knows I have a heart of gold. Take bugs outside of the house to not kill them. I am in involved with yoga, buddism, church things, volunteering too. Please. Anyway, I don't know a lot about his new gf, but I felt a little the same way as you did. He met her through a Meetup for culture. I felt a little inadequate. She seems to really have her act together. In her pictures on line she has very kind energy. And she was kind to my daughter. I didn't sleep a wink last night becuase I so wanted to warn her -- and I couldn't figure out whether it was for her or me. But the truth is I don't want anyone to experience what I've been through ever. No one should bare this, but contacting her will only prove I am insane -- so I am sure in time to come I will hear from her just as other women from his past heard from me and told me that I was not the first to come. There is another part of me that is hoping that maybe just maybe she is perfect for him and he will heal himself. I keep hoping that he gets happiness -- it isn't purely altruistic because I figure if he is happy he will make my life better too and go easier on me, BUT, I am where he gets his supply. I am the the dog he kicks -- all the time. Bad day ... contact R ... bad hour ... contact R. I am the punching bag. It is so odd, I feel relief that he is with someone else. I don't understand why? but like you frustrated that I am not with someone yet -it has been a few years. So many emotions. I didn't sleep well last night. And the kicker ... I had an amazing amazing amazing first date on Saturday. I was basking in the glory -- and so happy. Before the guy I went out with on Saturday called me (which I am still waiting -- so we'll see if the first date was as good for him as for me), I go this news -- so my head was whirling and the little gremlin inside of me wanted to call the new guy and say "let's go baby." Like I am in a race or something. LOL. I think if I had to weigh out my emotions -- I am more in the excitment of meeting someone and the nerves of "does he like me too" than I am freaked out about the ex. Still a little freaked out though.

a woman learning to love again

Mar 28 - 7AM
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Me Too!

I'm feeling the same way-like the crazy one. I asked my therapist (this will sound childish) if he's the "bad guy", how come he can find someone and continue dating? Please be aware I'm older (retired):) And it does make me feel like there must be something wrong with me instead. It seems he found a great gal and I haven't even had a date. Logically, I think I should be the one with a nice, new RL and he should be with his critters!! Makes me start to question and not feel so good.
Mar 28 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

onlychild49

you are not with someone yet b/c you are choosy, narcs are not, they are so desperatly needy, they will be with anyone, we, on the other hand are selective, we want someone to mean something to us, and we to them, they are not dating!, they are grooming a women, there is no other feeling involved, we could get dates easy, if we wanted to be with just !anyone!, exn told me, when he is with a women, they are only a piece of meat to him, so what they look like is arelavant to him[doesnt say much for me does it?] then he amended that to, but i obviously dont mean you used] no of course you dont narc. feel good about your self, you are not ANYBODYS. they are!!!!
Mar 30 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

that is true!!

They are NOT 'choosy'...as long as they think they can find someone with a personality they can charm then manipulate...they will NEVER be alone. But don't stress over the other woman...they will get theirs whether it is 4 months or 4 years from now...and if they last four years or more...it is not because it is 'bliss' but because the new girl hasn't found her strength to leave, yet. I know you keep hearing this...but it will eventually happen to them, too! Not that it is good..but just so you know it wasn't YOU. AT ALL.
Mar 28 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Used!!!

I should have also mentioned, he is picky in his choosing. Told me he eliminated 200-300 gals on Match.com (really??), then looked at the eyes of several he was interested in. From what I have found about his new GF, she is much more capable than I am - retired teacher, pianist, goes on Mission trips, active in church, widow of 40 year marriage with lots of friends and family. That adds to my "uncomfortableness" or the idea that I was the "crazy" one. Because he is charming, good looking, educated, smooth, well spoken, dresses very well, etc., he is able to attract a new gal in no time at all. He once told me, if we broke up, he could have a new person in his life right away. He took a year for this one. It is troubling to me and feels unfair, but I guess that is life. I need to work more on my thoughts because I know what he is. Frankly, I'm waiting for her to dump him to solidify my beliefs. And I'd like to say to her - Do you think I'd have let him go if he was so great??? Grrrr!!
Mar 30 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My N..

spoke in half truths. If My N told me he eliminated 200-300 from match.com because he was picky REALLY means "He elminated them because 1)they weren't into HIM 2)They ignored his requests 3)they weren't into him....
Mar 28 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

WOW Onlychild49!

Sounds like your ex narc picked a perfect victim! Who more vulnerable than A WIDOW??? I am wondering if she received a large sum of insurance or estate $$$? She sounds VERY giving and EMPATHETIC - mission trips, total church-lady. Her "good" ways are going to be too much for him - it will make him feel badly about himself cause he knows he is nothing but a heartless, empty shell of a man...After awhile, he will become resentful. That said, he is GOING TO DESTROY HER! MARK MY WORDS.
Mar 28 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

TLSM

Sadly, I totally agree with you. He will destroy her and she's 68 which, I believe, will make it even worse. After reading posts here, talking to my therapist, a former pastor and several friends, I decided not to email her offering to answer any questions she might have about our RL. I was hoping family/friends might notice something in his behavior and warn her. I don't have family. If I had it to do over again, I would contact someone in his past like his exwife to verify what he said because his reality isn't real!! To put it bluntly, you can't rely on his version of the story. And he is a N who wants the ideal RL. I don't know about $$$. He doesn't do badly with his pension and SS. But he's not careful with it, spends impulsively and has debt. I suspect she has funds, but also grown children and grandkids. As I type this, I'm thinking, he's really good at the game, isn't he???
Mar 28 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Used
Used's picture

onlychild49

is, that what he told you, that he is picky, and that he elimanated 200/300 women , yeah, course he did NOT!!!, they are all lying losers, and i dont care how they are packaged, when it comes right down to it they are all cut from the same cloth. if he is so wonderful and choosy, what is he doing on a dating site, you are well out of it you realy are.
Mar 28 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Again!!

Yes, that's what he said, but I took it with a large grain of salt. Altho, I do know women noticed him as I saw it when I was with him. I have trouble thinking he would lie that much, but I know he did some which is opposite of his proclaimed religious beliefs. It's the zig zag thing!! Good question about the dating site. Yes, I know I'm better off, I'm just ticked off as it seems he is the "bad' guy yet is having a good time. My therapist has advised I wouldn't notice it if I were in a RL. She's right, however, not gonna settle.
Mar 27 - 11PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Not silly at all

It wasn't you...and you yourself acknowledge and in a way answered your own question...this is what they do...lure others with the victim card. There was nothing you could do. As for sleeping in the buff, when your daughter is there, she is to have her own space or she doesn't go...it's that simple and if there is a problem take it to court and raise your concerns. NO judge will find that kind of sleeping arrangement appropriate. NOR IS IT...whether he's in the buff or not. You are not happy he's with someone...that doesn't mean you want him...but we need to start practicing identifying our feelings...you might not on a lot of levels care that he's with someone...I get that too - but "happy" isn't the word...Mixed emotions I buy. You know this man, you know what he suffers from, and you know that right now, he is acting...what you make up in your head about the picture is NOT the reality. Make up the truth in your head. What is this man? Is he capable of having feelings? Does he have empathy? Does he exploit others? Is he selfish? Do narcissits change? Is he capable of change? Did you buy into his crap when you first met? Did it take you time to see? OKAY...so what is the TRUTH...? Hugs!