He has his payoff

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#1 Apr 25 - 4AM

Healingnow

He has his payoff

Well my problem at the moment is that now I know what has happened to me, and that it was all a game of power and control to him from the very begining,I feel so powerless.

You see if I had known what was happening to me; what i was taking part in, then I obviously would not have done any of it.

To think that he was a predator from the start who just decided it was my time to bring down...to hunt down and go in for the kill after watching me for a long time. He did it perfectly and of course I had no idea until the end which is when i figured what he was. That was what the D&D was helpful for.

So at the end I cried and poured out my heart, left a message on his answerphone crying. Fell into his trap everytime, gave him his high, told him I didn't think I would ever get over this and he said 'you will in time' with no emotion at all.

So now he walks around feeling powerful over me, knowing he succeeded in his mission. No longer am I a mystery to him, i've been had and he has conquered and got bored.

I find this hard to live with the fact that he thinks and knows this; he has no idea that i have sussed who and what he is and i won't tell him.

I don't think i've explained this clearly enough about the bit that bugs me the most. I hope you know what i mean, i just feel stupid, ashamed, duped, foolish. He view me that way now i'm sure but I am getting back to me slowly and these feelings are standing in the way, is it my pride, do i need revenge.

This payoff he has from his time with me will stay with him forever, he will always have achieved his goal with me. I can't do anything about it. it is now part of my history. I just would not have included this in my life had i known any different. I thought i was helping and nurturing a person who needed help to grow bla bla bla..........waste of time that was.

#2 Apr 25 - 8PM

TexN (not verified)

Healing

I think our pride was majorly bruised! And then to come to the realization that they weren't even worth it! I'd never heard so many sad stories in my life as I did from the narc! I should have known he was a loser!

#3 Apr 25 - 12PM

better off

Big hugs!! I too felt this

Big hugs!! I too felt this way for so long.. it made me sick. I wished I could take back the last several months of conversations with him, especially my goodbye letter. UGHHHH! Yes, he thinks he was so clever and got away with all of it. But when my house once got robbed I didn't feel foolish and like someone had beaten me... i did feel violated but I didn't feel guilty. Because it wasn't my fault; I just had something worth stealing. For so long I wanted him and the OW to KNOW that I did find out and they didn't pull the wool over my eyes after all, etc etc. But that feeling eventually went away. He attempted some contact recently and I totally ignored him. He didn't win because I DID figure it out. Yes I also cringe at some of the things I said and did, and the pining for him and the high he got off it. Telling him even though I couldn't talk to him anymore, he would always be the love of my life... Puke! But I know now, and he'll never get it again. See... you didn't know before, so you didn't do anything really wrong. You know now, and and you aren't feeding him anymore. As I move in a different direction in my life I feel the need for revenge less because, blessedly... who cares? I don't. He's still an idiot... I will continue getting better, but he will always be an idiot. I think I'm the one who wins. They were winning only when we believed the lies. They are not the winner when we figure them out. That's when they lose. Instead of thinking of winners and losers, I like to think that he's been disqualified from competition. He was cheating. He's disqualified. Stripped of his title. Buh bye.

#4 Apr 25 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Healingnow

calculated

Thanks better off, I like this that you said: 'See... you didn't know before, so you didn't do anything really wrong. You know now, and and you aren't feeding him anymore'. I suppose cos I know now what has happened I forget that I didn't know all along. The further along in my healing I get the more I believe my truth. Something put to me today seems normal whereas a few months ago would have sounded outrageous, as it would to anyone else now who doesn't know about this pathology.......like I put his mess ups down to his unconscious done out of awareness and said he couldn't do better if he didn't know. To realise that people do know what they do and they do it anyway to purposefully hurt is the biggie to get your head round. Now I have realised this I have many examples and the story fits together much better now. How could I be held accountable for taking part in something where I wasn't told the rules. I was playing a whole different game......this is why my ex likes chess and I would play frustration lol. These day it's more like cluedo for me. I just don't like the fact that he is still getting his pay off from me now even after I know what he is. That really sucks. If he has no guilt or remorse or conscience then it doesn't even bother him how I feel as a result of his actions. It is infuriating that he is such a bad person and doesn't know it or doesn't care when I have strived hard to better myself. I have a daughter so that is my pay off out of this. I feel dirty, stolen,powerless, flat. I have had bad relationships before but none have come close to the cool caluclated slow build up, like you say frog and hot water scenario, then the bombshell is dropped and the big high happens for him. I can hear the ha ha ha loudly echoing through the clouds. I hate that I was the object who provided all that for him and now he will always look at me with contempt instead of the pedestal stage. YUk

#5 Apr 25 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

better off

But how he looks at you is

But how he looks at you is meaningless. It's meaningless. HE is meaningless. He has no meaning, his life has no meaning. Totally meaningless. So how he looks at you... it has no meaning. He's "disqualified" as I said. Disqualified from normal human discourse, from humanity. Or in another post, I said he is invalid. His opinion is invalid. We can look at THEM with contempt, because they are contemptible. I also used to feel so bad about how he looks at me now, but now I realize his thoughts have no meaning, no substance, no worth.

#6 Apr 25 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

Healingnow

to let it go

Well I want to be at that place NOW. I really want to be at peace with all this. It has been the worst grieving process I have ever done and I've done a few. I want to really feel that his thoughts of me are meaningless but I still care that his family now might view me badly because of what he must have told them. I really want to let it all go and start to feel good about myself again,...to have hope and motivation. How long did it take you to get there?

#7 Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

better off

A year ago I cried all day

A year ago I cried all day every day and felt suicidal. I would have to walk out of stores leaving my cart behind because I couldn't stop crying. I went to therapy, took anti-depressants, read read read, journaled every single day, read Lisa's book, read WWLP, came here a lot. A lot of Barbara's tough statements... even if you aren't always believing them they are sinking in like reverse brainwashing :D. I still have to go back and reread WWLP sometimes. It was a long gradual process... and I did some things that I guess are kind of like CBT.. I tried to change my environment. I was blessed to get a new job I like and meet new people so that helped right off the bat, being around brand new people. And having to learn a new job. It was still hard because with successes I wanted to tell N, and with setbacks I wanted to tell N, but that avenue is closed. Anyway, the thoughts that go in a loop... I tried to change the other parts of the loop. I know this sounds trivial, but it helped. My brain had to focus on other things... I changed the way I went to work, I was driving down different streets and had to pay attention and not just be on autopilot thinking about it all. I changed my hair, so I saw a different person in the mirror. I don't wear the same jewelry, I try not to do much of anything that I was doing during our relationship. I started painting. It's new and hard and I have to concentrate to do it, and during that time he was actually out of my mind. Slowly I've built a new life. I won't say I'm all healed and it's all fine. It still causes me pain and sorrow. But now I can read say, loveofmylife's story, and it's as clear as a f'ing bell what my N was doing to me all along, just like hers does. Writing to other people explains it back to myself. Right when I think I was feeling my best, recently, he made an appearance. And it knocked me sideways and I learned that I am NOT completely healed... it was startling to see how his presence could mess me up again, but it has left me more determined to continually move AWAY in other directions. I plan to be even further along in six months time. I spent a lot of time working on exercises through healmyptsd and it helped me so so so much. I still remember the very first affirmation to record in my journal: I will create a powerful healing intention. My relationship was very very intense but it was also short... 18 mos total. We never married and we share no children, so I don't have as many issues as so many here do. I also am filling in some of the N blanks with what must be the truth as he fits the rest of the profile, but I did not have to personally experience some of their trauma, or I don't have actual evidence of it. But I committed to facing the truth about him. He also lives in another country, there is no running into him. He acts like I don't exist... except for the recent appearance last month, I don't think he spends one second thinking about me, or stalking me or anything. So everyone's situation is different.

#8 Apr 26 - 1AM (Reply to #8)

Healingnow

Thats a lot

Hi, Thats is a lot of work you have had to do better off, and there is some good pointers on what to do to heal. I do some of them, The therapy, WWLP, this forum, writing, talking. I still have to see him for contact with DD. I hope one day he will go away. Thanks for posting all your thoughts there it was very helpful.

#9 Apr 26 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

better off

I am embarrassed that I

I am embarrassed that I forgot something on the list... I also focused on my spirituality. I did a Bible study, just by myself, called Breaking Free by Beth Moore, about breaking free from spiritual captivity. And that's really what it was, a form of spiritual captivity; I had lost my spirit to this person. And I found a really amazing church, and I would sit in the back and the tears would flow every week when I was there. I went alone and I didn't talk to anyone, I just let it be a healing place for me. In the past I would feel like I had to join and serve and do. Instead I sat still and just let the love of God wash over me. God who never changes, who never lies. And as a Christian, one of my favorite verses was "Jesus Christ, who is the same today, yesterday, and forever." Which is pretty much the opposite of a narcissist. I am validated by the Lord who loves me, not some stupid fickle man. And I also rearranged my furniture and bought new pillows! lol

#10 Apr 25 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

takes a long time

took me about 3 years... plus a stay in a clinic for PTSD plus intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy & medication plus reading WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS and Lisa's book Sandra Brown, MA's retreats also speed up the process, which is what I have consistently heard from those who go to them. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#11 Apr 25 - 8AM

MsVulcan500

I totally get what you're saying.

He won. And no matter what happens to him in the future, he will always have the satisfaction of taking you down. BUT, what you have to remember is that does not make you stupid or foolish. And you shouldn't feel ashamed. And I admit, this is the hardest part for me. He is very good at his game, they all are. And unless you are like them, you will not ever win. And you will not be the only one who "lost" to him. Yes, we were duped, we were caught up in a game where the rules always changed but we didn't know it until after the fact. How can anything be fair with all of that going on? What I keep going back to is the frog in boiling water. Had we known what we were in for, we never would have gotten involved. But it all started out nice, then they turned up the heat. And by the time we were getting uncomfortable, we were in too deep to do much about it. They had us so beaten down and doubting what was real and what was fake, that we weren't even entirely certain anymore that the sky is blue. The best thing you can do for yourself is stay NC and forgive yourself for anything you are feeling ashamed about. You did not do this, you were a victim. This was not your fault! You were a victim in his little con game. And even if he got this little victory from you, his life is still meaningless and he will never be happy.

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