He emailed me - man of few words

32 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 1 - 10AM

ifinallygotit

He emailed me - man of few words

I texted him yesterday (after I got the news my brother in law died yesterday) that there were two deaths in my family and that I would go East soon. I just said thought he would want to know. I got no reply but when I woke up today there was an email from him (first email since last DEC- 6 months).
He forwarded a recent interview of himself being asked questions about his favorite food! Thats it! There were NO words from him! No sorry, no nothing! Just forwarded an article about himself. Man this really is some weird psychology we are dealing with. So now I am crying realizing that I do miss him but see his gross limitations. Of course he talked about his home town (where I am) alot in the article...and foods we ate together...

So you all were right about him not being able to respond appropriately. The only good thing is I realize that I am not healed enough for a phone conversation or in person meeting with him. i would never let him know I am this broken up still so many months later...
I have to confess that although I was startled to see his name, I was glad to hear from him, pitiful after how self-centered his email was.
This does not mean I want a relationship though - its just the total silence has been rough for the past half year. i still want to believe I meant something to him. I think that is the hardest piece for all of us. Their emotions are so shallow, they probably did not skip a beat whether we put in 10 or 20 years...It still huts me to think about.
I am blessed though that I have never felt jealous about him moving to the next GF, only horrified. I am no longer horrified by his behavior after educating myself - its just what they do. He moved to a new city and did what Narcs do - secure new easy accessible supply - build their image...and keep going. I am surprised he even emailed me - I expected nothing - which is sort of what I got. I could just google an interview...
Sorry if I let anyone down here, but I think I tried to treat him like a normal human being letting him know about the deaths. Believe me, I know he does not care for me and i have no false hopes of a miracle N recovery.

#2 Jun 3 - 1AM

ifinallygotit

I did not respond to the non-email

he left me without a shred of dignity - he knew I had no idea what happened and whether or not we had broken up - he watched me sweat it out...he read my love emails wondering if he was having a hard time in the new city (while he was laying up with a ho), he left me in the dark after 10 years and accepted my birthday gift to him in Oct without a thank you. This may be my only chance to ever regain a drop of control by not replying: "Thanks for trying to cheer me up with your cute interview" would be my typical kiss ass response. His email may be his attempt to be polite communicating after the deaths. NO WORDS is just too freaking weird. Even when you forward something you generally at least say "check this out"! I think I am getting ready to let go...finally getting close to just accepting everything that happened and that is too awful to fix, much as I would like a nicer ending. However, if he apologizes, I will accept it - from afar. I don't think its coming - maybe when I am 80 and could care less about men... I do have a fear he will die young with us never speaking. His sister died at 57 and both his parents were dead when he was only 40 or so. Maybe I won't care...

#3 Jun 3 - 6PM (Reply to #30)

beamoflight

It's him

I dont think he tried to hurt you with the interview. I think he's broken. I forgot who told me on this site but this is them. This is how they are. They dont always dump you so they can come back. They dont comfort because they cant. This is how I look at my ex N. "This is him. Take him or leave him I know what I am getting. It will never, ever, never change. This is him". He is like a rock. You cant change a rock. He's not coal with diamond potential. He's just a plain old ordinary rock. I am learning to be greedy. A rock cant hug me back. A rock cant make me happy. A Rock cant keep me warm and safe. A rock cant love me back ever-- no matter how much I love it. A rock has no feelings. It's simply a rock. It is what it is. ((hugs)) I hate the anxious feelings that mine gave me. Always confused anxious feelings. Good luck hunni

#4 Jun 4 - 6AM (Reply to #31)

onwithmylife

Beam of light

what you said is so true, they are broken humans, like a broken doll, only a doll can be fixed perhaps, but not a human, my exnarc once said to me he has no fight left to try and work things out so he flees, that is exactly what he did after 15 years, left me to pick up my life and get it together and i ams till trying after 2 years or more out now.

#5 Jun 1 - 2PM

michele115 (not verified)

Ifinallygotit

Don't apologize...when time has passed, we tend to forget the major details. We feel a bit better, stronger and believe we can "handle" communication. Although you broke contact, in a way despite it being disappointing, his response served to reconfirm all that you've learned so far. They really are disordered and his response was a glaring example of how they cannot attach, and lack empathy. On some level, after the initial bad feelings, I am sure this will serve to help you see that being away from him is the BEST thing for you. Hugs!

#6 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #24)

ifinallygotit

michele115

That is the scary part. I still do not have bad feelings - anyone in there right mind would be offended by his response but I am not, just numb. I am already trying to make excuses for it because he is a non-verbal type of person (with emotions). With media interview, he is chit chatty and full of good humor... I still do not have normal reactions to abnormal behavior...

#7 Jun 4 - 1AM (Reply to #28)

michele115 (not verified)

Numbness

Is our autopilot response of protection from very deep emotions either pain or anger/rage... Just give it time, you are doing well under the circumstances. The amount of time you've invested is nothing to sneeze at and I would presume quite normal to take a while to really get past it. Hugs!

#8 Jun 1 - 6PM (Reply to #25)

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

Ifinallygotit

Sounds like he's a covert narc. Not overtly horrible, just quietly awful. They're the worst kind--really. They seal off all avenues for us to be able to express the rage that we should feel. Talk about a conditioning program. You mentioned the 2 of you didn't get into any screech fests ever. That's a covert narc. Things NEVER get that out of control for them. Mine was the same variety of shithead, and a cultivated brilliant dude to boot. Plus, I think both your's and mine probably went a step beyond narc into psychopath territory. It aint a pretty land. I get angrier reading about the narcs on this forum than I've ever gotten with mine. I have barely cried. IF it makes any sense, I feel too hurt to cry. Crazy huh? I am healing but STILL a bit numb from shock. Having said that....his response to your email was an outlier response, even for a narc, so there may have been some screw up. Take care, IFGI--ER

#9 Jun 1 - 9PM (Reply to #26)

ifinallygotit

enpsychopedia - question for you

What does your last sentence mean? "his response to your email was an outlier response" What does "outlier" mean? Thanks for your concern. I think my ex N is pure Narc - not psychopath...from what I have read and my background... We only fought once when I stood up for myself when I violated one of his "rules" but we did not get loud. I think when he was awful I would ignore him. he was often very irritable with me once the chase was over and I was his GF - I felt like he disliked me for no reason.

#10 Jun 1 - 9PM (Reply to #27)

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

Ifinallygotit

Outlier--One of the definitions: a person who is excluded, or excludes himself, from some group; outsider

#11 Jun 1 - 1PM

ifinallygotit

I have a question for you guys

Do you think it is possible he never got my text (maybe I am blocked on his cell) and this is just a coincidence he forwarded this stupid food interview a day after the deaths? Or is he really this bizarre? Also, do you think the email was intended for someone else and I just got it by mistake? Or would he use words for anyone else but me? When we were together his emails and texts were always only one liners...nonverbal guy. But there was a FEW words.

#12 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #22)

onwithmylife

Ifianllygotit

your thinking and trying to rationalize it,' do you think he got my text' are just what I did when I sent him a postcard via mail recently asking for closure, he GOT my postcard, I am sure, like your guy got his email, mine never responded back to me, yours responded to tell you about himself, he could not care less if you are dead or alive, sorry to be harsh but that is fundamentally how these guys are, if i am wrong someone please set me straight than!yours blocked you on his phone,mine instead change his number, same thing, they want NOTHING to do with us, we remind them they are failures in life, it is your life to enjoy or lose precious days thinking of a man who is not thinking of you. For me , i do not want that type of life anymore, I will find a man who wants ME, even if it takes the rest of my life!!!PS He ran away and will never speak to me again either.

#13 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

Hunter

IFGI

Come on you know better! You got his email, right? That's exactly what he wants you to think! He wants you to say" wow that's great did hear the news"? Contact opens the door! Hunter

#14 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

ifinallygotit

no not sure of that Hunter

he is really an odd bird - does not seem to follow the pattern of most of the N men on here - I think he is more emotionally shut down and weirder than most on here. I do not believe he wants contact - I think I am the one who wants to somehow make "nice" of this mess - he knows he made a big mess for sure (March phone call and the sad somber voice) but he has NEVER gone back to clean up a mess - he runs and never speaks to the person again. I think this is just all about me accepting what happened and getting well but not at all worried he will pursue me - like I said, we are both mid-50's and now that he is trying to be a super star there I am bad for his new image...

#15 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #21)

Hunter

Ladies

Ok if you say so ! Ladies help me out here! Hunter

#16 Jun 1 - 1PM (Reply to #15)

Used

IT WAS INTENDED FOR YOU...TO

IT WAS INTENDED FOR YOU...TO MAKE YOU FEEL PUZZLED AND THEN HURT... THE REASON IT WASENT A ONELINER B/C IT WASENT ANY THING WAS IT?JUST A FOOD INTERVIEW, JUST LIKE A FLYER COMING THRU THE DOOR....YOU TELL HIM ABOUT 2 DEATHS, HE DEVALUES YOU IN THE CRUELEST POSSIBLE WAY....HE SENDS YOU AN INDIFFRENT INTERVIEW....PLEASE DONT CONTACT THIS SLIMEBALL AGAIN.. DONT SET YOUR SELF UP TO BE HURT AGAINXX

#17 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Hunter

Used

Agree!

#18 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

Sparrow

I agree. Very well

I agree. Very well said..............he is incapable of comforting you, he can't feel the pain you are feeling. He is disconnected. He is looking for you to compliment him on his stupid interview. To validate HIM, he is NOT interested in what is going on in your world. PLEASE stay strong! We are here to help!

#19 Jun 1 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

ifinallygotit

oh, I am still not thinking clearly

he talks about the favorite thing his mom cooked and the main thing that he misses about my city is the food (not me or his dog!)

#20 Jun 1 - 1PM (Reply to #13)

Sparrow

No way! He is smart and

No way! He is smart and cunning and knows EXACTLY who he is emailing. You opened the door a crack and he got back in or is at least trying...........

#21 Jun 1 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

ifinallygotit

No

He has been ignoring me for 6 months and I have been the only one breaking contact. I think he is a "polite" Narc who does not want to speak to me but does not want to APPEAR totally rude ignoring a death in the family. I represent his failure to be a good person and he avoids all contact with me. This is not him reaching out - more trying to have the minimum type of contact possible - I guess you can't get more impersonal than NO WORDS. If he ever pursue me again, I would be shocked. he lives thousands of miles away now, with new career, rebuilding fan base and show boating with old celeb buddies and a bleached blonde cheap looking lady. I do not consider this a hoover since I texted him about a crisis.

#22 Jun 1 - 1PM

Sparrow

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Don't be so hard on yourself. They are hard to resist.........but that is why we are here!

#23 Jun 1 - 12PM

girlsinger

umm he's a

he's a Malignant Narcissist that is why he fowarded you an interview about HIM in your time of grief he did not send an Email & no words..he fowarded an interview about himself HUGE difference he is "disordered" maybe you need to look up NPD and re-read I know I'm being harsh here, but were talking one more day of your this precious life wasted on HIM geeze "somebody broke his soul"(?) to the lovley lady that wrote that in her reply its a reflection of the depth, kindness and compassion in YOUR HEART N's and PD people have NO HEART No Empathy what part of NO is confusing you? people with NPD are defective No repair is forthcoming... Perhaps the brain scans of N's and Psycopaths would drive this point home to you please go to Youtube take a look (Im working but will try and find it and post it for you) on the brain scans the 'empathy" part is inactive they do not recieve the messages the way a normal brain does IT CANT hence thier reaction to everything is always inappropriate and just like them...disordered you didnt let anyone down you just blostered his ego up gave him supply food sustinance you sound fabulous what are you waiting for to start living that? life is short Eat dessert first..LOL be blessed K

#24 Jun 1 - 12PM

onwithmylife

Ifinallygoti

Did you really expect otherwise when you get real with yourself? They are so inhuman,aliens. , I sent a postcard a short while ago asking about my trying to get closure after 15 years and it would really help me if we could meet one last time and NO, I was not asking to get back together with him either, NO REPLY, after 15 years he could not care if I was alive or dead, your exnarc doesn't care about the deaths in your family and you will recover when you work on that issue ,that they simply have no caring about anyone but themselves. I am glad for you you did not see him or talk to him, it will open up more old wounds, I realize that now.I had wanted to "bump" into my exnarc but now very glad I did not.../see you did what was totally appropriate for a normal person with empathy and feelings, they are not normal.. you cannot give what you don't have the capability to give, that is a narcissist, like beam of light said.I know he got supply from my postcard but at this point i did it for myself and to put to rest my closure.

#25 Jun 1 - 11AM

Deidre40

he replied appropriately for

he replied appropriately for a narc. lol it reminds me of a guy i had a brief fling with last year...a narc. when we were ''friends,'' after the break up...we talked nearly everyday. he was a strange one. never wanted to let go, i guess. had me and many others for supply. that said...eventually, we just stopped talking. then out of the blue, he would send me an email bragging about this or that...or a video of himself giving a lecture at his church. lol really? so, they either try to wedge open, or if the door has been wedged open (in this case by you telling him about those deaths) it's their que to show off...get supply...brag about their lives. etc. I just wish we all never met these people. :(

#26 Jun 1 - 11AM

beamoflight

((hugs))

Look, dont beat yourself up. This is my take on it... If he acknowledges your pain and loss that means on some level he would have to relate. If he allows himself to relate to you and your pain than he allows himself to acknowledge his own pain from his past. pretty scary stuff for him. He was broken as a child. somebody broke his soul. The artical? This is how I would view it-- Dear ifinallygotit, This is all I can give you. I'm sorry I cant do more. I just cant. Please forgive me and accept me for who I am. -N You see ifinallygetit, I dont think he wants to hurt you. If he did he'd forward a pic of him with his new GF and say "Go away I'm happy". He knows your sad but cant give you what you want. He can give you what he can. It's small and not approprate I know, but all he can do. Your loss may have reminded him of pain in his own life/past. I think thats why he sent you the artical. He does not want to hurt you just does not know how to act. He needs an ego boost. Why? because maybe-- just a theroy here-- you make him human-- and that scares him all to hell. If he's human then he feels what we feel-- and hunni, he cant. his mind wont let his heart do it. His mind protects his emotions so fiercely. His mind wont let him get hurt again. They are emotionally broken. It's like a poem I posted once. I'll find it and post it again. I dont know if I am right at all-- but thinking like this is helping me make it through. Have pitty on him for he will never truly find any happiness in anything.

#27 Jun 1 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

ifinallygotit

Beam

Thanks. i agree with your thinking. He does not want to hurt me and knows I am hurting but cannot reach out. He is also ashamed of how he treated me... He was not a rough tough angry cursing Narc - more of a sweet,quiet, arrogant, defensive, immature insecure childish type - in a big body that he used to make money and secure women... When his sister died, he went silent for a week and then NEVER spoke of her again...he was super close to her and took care of her in her final year of life... I need to focus on my family now... not him

#28 Jun 1 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

beamoflight

Hi

Yes, I am trying to do the same. In my situation it's I that cant let go-- he's let me go just fine ..lol.. I have a tendency to hold on to memories for a long time. I'm trying though. I'm glad you're trying to feel better. Posting and reading is helping me a lot. ((smiles))

#29 Jun 1 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

ifinallygotit

me too Beam

I have a long history of not being able to let go of bad relationships. Truth be told, he let go last Sept. and only faked that he still wanted to stay in touch Oct- Dec (already had a new GF in new city of course i did not know) because he knew it LOOKED bad to just dump someone (after 10 years) in a few weeks after a move. So even though he really did move on very quickly, he pretended that he had not let go of us until Dec. I guess he has decided to start the new year without the charade of our dead relationship. This is for sure the longest it has ever taken me to let go but also my longest relationship. This character flaw, the obssessive drive to make something work that will never work is both my worst trait and best - I have the drive and motivation and focus for excellence, which can really help in work and sports but when it comes to loving a disordered person, it is a huge problem not to know when to just give up, and change gears... I feel sorry for those of us who struggle with this - its taking me months and months to realize he really does not care, even with data and black and white evidence in my FACE. However, I AM healing and I do see progress. I feel pretty normal inside my own body now as opposed to a ghost. I can have fun with people and activities again...but I am still deeply wounded by the abandonment. I can't explain the bond but it was real for me

#30 Jun 1 - 10AM

Hunter

Weird Ass! Enough

Weird Ass! Enough said! Hunter

#31 Jun 1 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

ifinallygotit

thanks for telling it like it is Hunter!

yes it is weird and part of me is like - wow, how could my judgement be so impaired!!! This is SO far from normal...

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews