He admitted he was damaged in 2006 and I had no idea what NPD was. This is what he wrote!

20 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 22 - 2PM

victimnomore

He admitted he was damaged in 2006 and I had no idea what NPD was. This is what he wrote!

Hey all, I am considered an old timer. I am NC for 11 months now. I will stress that NC and God has saved my life. Those who don't know my story, I was in a very violent and abusive marriage for 25 years. I attempted divorce 4 times and each time he manipulated and charmed his way back into my life to abuse me worse each time. I have never broken NC and completely cut him out of my life. This was very difficult for me and I am very proud of myself because I had zero self esteem and was a hopeless and helpless anxiety ridden hot mess.

Fast forward 11 months.My life is amazing! I am happy most of the time. I have my friends back and my 2 adult children are soooo happy for me. My teenager is blooming and coming out of his shell. I gave up the idea for closure and decided to give myself closure. When I went NC and started taking care of me that was my closure and I was content with it. I am enjoying being single again. I am 48 and feel like I'm 30 again.

I was looking for some papers for my lawyer and ran across this letter that he had written to me in 2006 (round 3) I had no idea about NPD or personality disorders and went back to him. If I had the knowledge back then that I have today I could have saved myself sooooo much pain but hey when you know better you do better.

These are his words exactly:

I hate what you turned me into when you threw me out of the house last year. I had nothing, I got nothing and will probably die with nothing but that's the way the cookie crumbles. You're so right, I never did anything for your children (his step children) or my son except lie and deceive them into thinking I was this striving human being. I saw our son last night for the last time but only he doesn't know it. He was so clingy as if he felt it, lying his head in my chest like he was three years old again. I wish so badly that I wasn't so damaged. I'm sorry! I tried to help everyone I could but I end up like this. I'm sorry.

I should have run and never looked back but instead I felt sorry for him and went back and he made sure that he almost killed me in every which way possible.

Please everyone do what you have to do to GET OUT, AND STAY OUT!

Life is so good on the other side!

Peace and hope always!

#2 Jul 22 - 7PM

lillymarch

How do you stay NC with children involved?

I kicked ex-N out first week in Dec 2010. After 6 months of complete pain and suffering I'm doing pretty good. I'd love to go completely NC but what about the children. He comes in and out of their life about every 2 weeks, randomly and unannounced. (Control, control, control.) Any advice? I'm happy, I'm free, but not completely. Not sure I will ever be due to the children.

#3 Jul 22 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

victimnomore

Hi lillymarch

The stbxn/p and I share a teenager together. When he left in fall of 2010 I decided then and there NC ever again and so far I have been successful. It probably depends on how old are the children. Our teenager is 15 and has his own phone. I sat him down and explained that I will have no contact with his dad but he can see him whenever he like . I just told our child to let me know when he would be leaving and when he would be coming back. I can call my child anytime I feel the need to check on him. The narc only shows up when he feel like or if he need supply from our child. My teenager is very smart and often clashes with his father because he refuses to be manipulated. The narc tried to get me on the phone via the child and I said a stern NO! and walked away After our child hung up i explained to him that it has nothing to do with him but i will not have contact with his dad for self preservation. LOL So far NC has worked for me and I thank God everyday that I do not have to have contact with him. No w if only i can get through the divorce without contact. LOL! Peace!

victimnomore

#4 Jul 22 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

Sparrow

Lilymarch

Some people will tell you that you can go completely NC with children involved. I disagree........for the children's sake, contact is a must. You are unfortunately in a quandary.............I would suggest seeking professional help for this area. Since the actions of both you and your narc will ultimately affect your children, it is best to have some one truly educated in this field to guide you.......just my opinion, although strong. I have always believed that children are a product of their parents, surroundings and upbringing.......good luck, I know you will find the answer. Always smile!

#5 Jul 23 - 2AM (Reply to #15)

Littleone

I have to disagree sparrow. I

I have to disagree sparrow. I think minimal contact is the answer. If a child is brought up in a loving happy home I don't think it will affect them badly as long as there isn't anything bad said about the n. Personally I believe the arguments and head games that I would have to deal with if i spoke to EXN would be far more damaging for my child to witness than me having minimal contact. Coparenting with an n is an extremely difficult task and as you can probably imagine the bullshit you have to deal with is just insane! They are not good parents and use the children as pawns, if that power is taken away (miminal contact) it's much more peaceful.

#6 Jul 23 - 7AM (Reply to #17)

victimnomore

littleone and sparrow

Sparrow I see your point but as someone who was abused beyond understanding (and my son never witnessed the abuse) I could never co parent with the n/p, it's just not possible. He plays head games constantly and is very childish and manipulative. i had to be honest with our son and let him know that his dad is "different" It was a blessing that our son got to see it for himself. My son is much better with the n/p out of the house. I discussed this in detail with my therapist and she totally agreed with me on this issue. If I have contact with the n/p I will be in no condition to parent my child. thats just the reality for my situation. I am just so thankful that my child is a teenager and can speak up for himself. Half of the time my son wants NC with his father because of the manipulation and I do not force him. Peace!

victimnomore

#7 Jul 23 - 7AM (Reply to #18)

Sparrow

It's so heartbreaking for the

It's so heartbreaking for the children. I am so sorry for anyone that has to raise children under these conditions. I recently told one of our members to be thankful that she didn't have a child with her narc. She and the child would experience a life of hell. At birth, he would become jealous of the baby for stealing his supply......then be prepared no missed birthdays, sporting events, school programs, etc etc....... Like I said before, if they are of any kind of threat to the well being of the child, then absolutely NC........but if he is just a selfish prick, full of himself, but can co parent, then I say work on it as best as possible. My ex-husband is a narc and a Father. He functioned with his role, never missed a weekend visit, never missed a child support payment, was there for them to the best of his ability, with my help of course. His narcissism is subtle though, not outwardly destructible, mild..........now, narc #2........he isn't allowed to see his daughter. He has anger issues, he is undependable, and a daily drinker, unlike narc #1. That is my point, depends on the level of narcissism.

#8 Jul 23 - 6AM (Reply to #16)

Sparrow

I hear you and agree with

I hear you and agree with your point little one. My point was based on being able to "co-parent for the child's sake if you were feeling it impossible to face him because you were trying to "get over" him still. But if it is unhealthy, or unsafe for the child, then absolutely, NC is best. There are many different scenarios to this subject. The child's welfare and well being are ALWAYS the most important. The level of narcissism in your partner is also a consideration. And each situation varies.

#9 Jul 22 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

ordinarycourage

NC with children

I have teenagers now, but they were 9 and 12 when we divorced. I got them each their own phone so that we could always contact each other. Still I had to maintain minimal contact with my N to discuss schedules, etc. I really tried to iron out as many details in our parenting plan as I could to minimize the need for future contact. Yet the N still found ways to "stay in touch" such as disregarding the parenting plan and chronic lateness for pickup and drop off. We had to go to mediation a few times and that was a joke (not the mediator's fault). An N simply does not compromise. It sounds like your situation is a bit different and you have given your son some control over his schedule and his life, which is wonderful. I bet that drives the N crazy !

#10 Jul 22 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

victimnomore

ordinary

I know that I cannot have contact with him for my own sanity. Our son is very mature and know how i have suffered so It wasn't that hard to kind of let him feel his way with his dad. we do not have a visitation agreement and I feel no need to have one. I have no problem with his dad seeing him or spending time with him. Often my son does not want to see his dad because he is just too stressful. he has no idea how to be a father. He whines to our son about how I don't invite him to any family functions (WTF). He is not my family anymore. LOL! I am just so done with him and I am sure he is furious because he cannot even get to me through our child. I feel that my son and i have a good relationship and if he does not feel like being stressed out by his dad, why should i force him. By the way i discussed all of this with my therapist before I decided to do it this way. Peace!

victimnomore

#11 Jul 22 - 5PM

Erali

Well done! You have so much

Well done! You have so much strength, and I'm proud of you for moving on, and showing your children your courage as well! It sounds like you're happy and thriving :)

#12 Jul 22 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

victimnomore

Thanks Erali

I am doing well and thanks for the kind words. I know that I have a long way to go after what I've been through but I am willing to put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps everyday for a better life. I pray we all heal and live our best lives possible! Peace!

victimnomore

#13 Jul 22 - 3PM

onwithmylife

victimnomore

YOU are doing fabulously and so PROUD of you!!!! a big HUG to you from me!!!!You have never faltered from no contact and that takes a lot of guts,my hat is off to you....

#14 Jul 22 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

victimnomore

How are you onwithmylife

Thank You so much. How are you doing? I always think about you and send prayers up that you meet someone special that will appreciate you. I am doing so well that it's hard for me to believe. LOL! I had to stick with NC. My very life depended on it. Peace and hugs!

victimnomore

#15 Jul 22 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

onwithmylife

vicitmnomore

hi you sweetie, still struggling along,have not met anyone yet, but I can always hope, love you!

#16 Jul 22 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

victimnomore

Don't worry

You will find someone when you least expect it. thats just how these things work. I am not seeing anyone yet and to tell you the truth after the BS that I have been through I am not sure I ever want to date again and forget marriage. LOL! But I hope that you find someone nice and normal. LOL! You deserve it and so much more. Love you! Peace!

victimnomore

#17 Jul 22 - 3PM

fooled no longer

Great ! I think of the story

Great ! I think of the story of Lots wife in the Bible. If she looked back she would be turned into a pillar of salt. Dont look back. celebrating your freedom!

#18 Jul 22 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

victimnomore

fooled no longer LOL!

Yes! exactly! I fear that if I look back I will turn to dirt! Can't risk it.

victimnomore

#19 Jul 22 - 2PM

Hunter

Happy Freedom!!! Hunter

#20 Jul 22 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

victimnomore

Thanks Hunter

yipeeeeeeee! Finally!

victimnomore

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews