Having a little panic and need to express

I've been on survival mode I guess for the past months after he left. Time has been a blur for me. In between then and now he has messaged me through text a few times but when I messaged him last he ignored me.

I can't avoid the month of the year anymore as much as I'd like because it makes me upset to know that months are passing by. I don't like time because it means it's getting longer and longer since I last saw him. And as much as I'm angry at him for hurting me I miss those big hugs from him and his smile :( something he did the last time I saw him and saying he would still be there for me.

I wish I could snap out of it and say what a shit head he is but how he's with another woman really makes me question if he really is one or if it's just circumstance with me. As much as I read and get support and try it's so hard to be firm with myself in thinking he's not a nice person. I keep thinking that maybe he did really like me like he said but just didn't feel right with me and he decided ignoring me is the easiest because he's now feeling right with her.

It makes me panic inside. I like myself. But the way he's abandoned me, lied to me about how he'd be there for me still, and got with her so fast, it makes me question what is wrong with me that he can't even be polite.

I know it's who he is but emotionally I struggle to understand and accept that.

Tonight I just miss him so deeply and long for a hug from him.

I'm tired of feeling anger towards him, being scared of him, and missing him.

Thanks for being there everyone xo

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