Having a hard time separating from my husband

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 25 - 12PM

stateofpeace

Having a hard time separating from my husband

I have been married to a N for 7 years and we have two children. We just started the separation process. I kicked him out after he didn't come home one night. I thought I was fine with this until I realized he was dating someone.

The hardest part is I know he is being the fun and charming guy with her. I know he is being everything I ever wanted him to be with her but I get the bad side.

He truly believes that I am at fault for our marriage failing. He claims I didn't give him enough attention and affection. I had a hard time being intimate with him because I didn't trust him and was resenting him for being an awful father. He had huge rages over the smallest issues and I know now he was trying to bully me into getting his way and his rages were out of guilt when he was caught lying. He tells me he I drove him to treat me that way.

I still love him and can't understand how he moved on so quickly. I am tormenting myself with the idea of him being with someone else.

How do I let him go? I do I accept that he doesn't love me and has moved on?

I wish he could see how selfish he was during our marriage and why I acted the way I did with him.

I wish there was a fast forward button on life!

#2 Nov 26 - 11AM

stateofpeace

So true about the Divorce. We

So true about the Divorce. We have more debt than assets. I thought he was letting us stay in the house so our girls had some normalcy in their lives but he told me that he was letting me stay so he didn't get accused of abandonment. CO is a no fault state, and the Mediator I was talking too said the same thing. We can't even agree on a Mediator. He wants me to go to a Police Union Mediator (my Narc is a Narc ha ha) to save money on attorney bills. He screamed at me because he wasn't going to pay for our divorce, since it was my fault that I never gave a f*** about him. I did record that conversation. I get paid in cash for taking care of my friends/neighbor kids p/t and he knows that will end if I move out. We have a very high mortgage and 6 months left on our first time buyer tax credit program. I don't even want this house but I don't want to owe 8k if we sell it before the time is up. He picked this house, he told me he wasn't going to make an offer on any other house so we would be stuck in the rental that we were in. (how I wish we were back in that house) He knows he is screwed. Most of his co-workers are separated now and they all make the same income and he knows how much they pay in support. Right now he is trying to act like he is the best dad ever. He claims he plans on taking the kids all of his 3 days off. Yeah right! I took the girls for him one night because he claimed he had strep and didn't want to get them sick. Since we are on the same insurance plan I can see his medical record on line and he didn't have strep. So I went crazy and kept calling his phone that night and he finally answered and admitted to me he was out with a "friend"! but was mad at me for calling him a liar about being sick. I still do all the banking since he can't touch our account until things are final so I have to see that he is spending money on OW. I wish I could trust him with money so I can hand everything over but he really can't handle it. He thinks if has it, he has the right to spend it, especially since he "works so hard for HIS money". My credit just got to a fair score after he ruined it. If I am going to have to start over from scratch, I would like to keep my credit score in good condition. I knew this would be ugly. I can tell he is more worried about his financial future than his kids. He told me that when I'm living in a ghetto apartment with my ghetto boyfriend that then I will see the mistakes I made and how I had it so good with him. It really amazes me how he doesn't see that he had some fault in our marriage failing. I have been reading so much on Narcissism and I know he will never see it and I need to accept it. I do really well for a few days but then I seem to slip and I start texting and calling trying to get answers from him. This is my first 24 hours without calling or texting and he has called twice! This morning was to talk to the girls. I hit the talk button and pass it to the girls. When they were done my daughter said "I'm handing the phone to mom" and I usually take it and talk to him. Today I said nicely to her, "no thank you, dad can text me if he needs anything" and I heard him hang up the phone

#3 Nov 26 - 9AM

agnesmurphy17

lying

You wrote he went into a rage out of guilt when you caught him lying. NO! He went into a rage because YOU did not accept reality as he wanted it to be. You dared to question his control. Lying? How much lying? Red flag. Who wants to live with a liar? How can you forgive & forget if he lies routinely? Most important, do you want your children to become liars and be the same way to their spouses? The other woman. OK. Let's accept his premises. YOU were the problem, not able to trust him (why shoudl you, he's a liar), problems with intimacy (why not he's hurt you) -- but anyhow, let's assume he's right. You two just were not a good match. Then a man says, "I'm sorry. it's over." And moves out & on & seeks a new life. He does not have a mistress & then move on once he's caught. And I bet you, this is not the first mistress. Just the first you caught. And he has just moved on. You. Her. Another woman. it's all the same. You, her, another -- just an electrical outlet to power him up. He cannot be alone. He's not gonna be any better to her. You miss him because you have 7 years together. You have two children. property. A way of life. An extended family. it's hard to walk away if one has attachments. Ns do not have attachments -- they have needs & uses. When a person is not longer useful, a N walks away. He's playing the sad card every once an awhile because you are still useful. And the divorce looms. Watch out. Get a good lawyer. Discuss nothing with him. A true N will take everything, even the kids so as to not pay child support. Watch your back. It's all about him & his money. You have no idea who this man is . . . you may find out once the property division starts.

#4 Nov 25 - 11PM

stateofpeace

I read The Path Forward today

Thank you for your comments and advice! I will definitely be logging on when I need support/reminders to keep NC! I read the book today and order some others. I felt as if the book was written for me. It truly describes our situation. I borrowed my friend's Kindle so I hope it comes out in paperback so I can keep it as a guide. I haven't called or texted him today, which is abnormal for me so he called instead and I didn't answer it! He usually ignores my calls and then texts me back asking why I called. I am afraid that ignoring him will make him pursue me. What should I do?

#5 Nov 26 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

EiPuff (not verified)

NC

That's the situation I'm in so I'm outfoxing him by replying "in mtg", "can't talk, sorry, work is CRAZY :(" stuff like that so it doesn't look obvious that I'm dissing him and trigger his pissed off mode. Hope that helps, if anyone else finds a better way, please let me know!

#6 Nov 25 - 5PM

Hermes

State of Peace

As Hunter has just said. There is no easy way. I just want to say to you that NOTHING, but nothing, was your fault, in any way whatsoever. This individual is an abuser, plain and simple. An abusive nobody. There is an article out there called "The Mystery of Loving an Abuser". And it is a mystery. He never loved you. That is the big problem here, and one which is hard to accept. An abuser loves no one, not even himself. It can help to get out a sheet of paper, two columns, and write on one side what are his loveliest traits, and on the other, well you know what to put there! Take care Hermes

#7 Nov 25 - 3PM

Hunter

Nope, no magic pill, no

Nope, no magic pill, no special buttons.. It just simply sucks.. You have to ask yourself what you want for you and your kids in the future!! It's kinda of like buying a new car.. Red or blue Honda or Chevy... Rust heap or New better version.. Make a choice and work toward that goal.. Most good things require work.. Make a plan and push the go button. Welcome to our Narc Village! Hunter

#8 Nov 25 - 2PM

stateofpeace

I am having self doubt. What

I am having self doubt. What if I did forgive and forget for the first time he cheated and tried to trust him? or What if I did make an effort to give him a kiss or hug? Would that have helped him? All these thoughts are running through my head. My brain feels completely screwed up. He hasn't shown any remorse about his behavior. I want him to be sad that our family is breaking up or to say "I am so sorry". I want some sort of reaction from him! He tells me that he is sad and that he expresses when he is alone but isn't going to do it around me. Why do I have this need to get this emotion out of him?

#9 Nov 25 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

spinning

State, you must FORCE YOURSELF

to quit playing his loop in your head. You are listening to his script. That's where the self-doubt comes from. You know what it was like in the relationship. Regardless of what you would have done, it would never be enough. The rules constantly change with these guys. A man who finds another woman while married to you is RESPONSIBLE for that action, NOT YOU. He will blame you to make himself feel okay about what he's done. He will blame you so he doesn't have to look at himself. You must lose the idea that you will get anything you want from him. It won't happen. Shift the focus onto what YOU NEED in order to feel better about yourself at this moment. You will continue to be confused as long as you listen to his classification of the way things are. We all feel the need to get validation out of these situations, but I'm here to tell you the validation comes from within. Stop trying to get anything but disengaged from him. The sooner you disengage with all things him (except for communications/sightings with regard to your kids), the clearer you will see things for what they are. What you are experiencing is cognitive dissonance and it is very very common in the early stages. You have to force yourself to stop the magical thinking and stop taking on the blame that does not belong to you. Here is a blog from Lisa that might help: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/19/why-we-obsess-about-narcissist This is a tough journey, but a worthwhile one, State. It's a process and you have to be willing and committed to go through it. Knowledge is power. I hope this helps. Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME.

spinning

#10 Nov 25 - 2PM

Layla

: ))

Hello stateofpeace!!! Nice to know you and welcome to the forum! I was with my abuser/husband for eight years. I have been NC now for 5 1/2 months.....this abuser lied, manipulated, verbally and emotionally abused me, ignored me, hit me, pushed me, kicked me, slapped me, sexually abused me, raped me and tried to strangle me to death. Guess what? He has told everyone, including my family that I am "crazy" and "need help". THEY ALL PUT THE BLAME ON THEIR VICTIMS NO MATTER WHAT! Nothing is EVER their "fault". They are disordered, and "perfect" and do no wrong- it's ALWAYS someone else, and usually, that "someone else" means US. And now this azzwipe you are married to is with someone else. Big surprise there. He has found a new VICTIM. That is all she is. Supply. That is the TRUTH! And in time, you will see that! Heck, it's only a matter of time before he starts kissing up to you again! And I bet he will! These clowns will take all the supply they can get and the more, the merrier! Triangulation at it's finest! Read, read, read all you can on this disorder. Read the many posts on this forum, you will see yourself and your situation over and over again! I promise you that! You are NOT alone, we all "get it" here. We've all been where you are! Maintain communication strictly in regards to the children and nothing else. Remember this when you are feeling low about yourself or have doubts- NO NORMAL MAN goes out searching out other women when he LOVES his WIFE and wants a live long union with her. They fight tooth and nail for their love and their family. This clown is SHOWING you WHO HE IS. BELIEVE IT! We are all here for you! We have the best of the best here.....stick with us- we are WINNERS! love~ Layla PS- right now he is showing her his "false self"....it's a big show to win her....YOU know the REAL him, and in time, she will know it too! He is acting right now, that is all!!!! These clowns can't keep the mask on forever! They can't- they are DISORDERED! And the disorder always wins with them. It is WHO THEY ARE.

#11 Nov 25 - 1PM

EiPuff (not verified)

I'm sorry

I understand how you feel, the idea of my N lover laughing and having great sex with another girl is killing me. The only thing that comforts me is that, very shortly, within a matter of weeks, she'll be on this website trying to find peace from the torture he's inflicting on her. Rather than envy the new women in his life, I pity them - they don't know what's about to hit them - and I pray for them because I know exactly what they're about to go through.

#12 Nov 25 - 1PM

spinning

SOP, here are a few things to do now

that may help you. First, go as no contact as possible. I know there are kids involved but do not engage in any discussions with him other than regarding the children. No talk about the "relationship" and what went wrong. Of course he's going to blame you for his poor behavior. Of course he's going to shift the focus as much as possible off of the STONE COLD FACT that he stepped outside of the marriage. Everything he says to you is "scrambled eggs" (to borrow Hunter's very true observation). Second, begin writing a list of the reasons you found it difficult to trust him. Tell the truth of the things/behavior he engaged in. This will help you combat the "magical thinking." You say it's hard for you because you found out he's with someone else...Remember, she will be you in a few months or whatever. Their behavior does not change. His behavior will not change. She gets the fake great guy for a while, so what? You discarded him the moment you realized he wasn't being faithful. Stick to that FACT. It is very important at this stage to be mindful to keep the FACTS separate from your EMOTIONS. The facts always stay the same and the fact here is he chose to devalue you, your marriage and the family you have in favor of new supply. His choice. The consequences are he is no longer entitled to engage in any discussion, area of your life, place blame, etc. etc. Third, read everything you can here. The blogs are very helpful. Things will click and it will help you. Knowledge is power and No Contact (or Minimal Contact) is your coat of armor. We will help you. If you are willing to do the work, you will find the support you need to move on and be happy here. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME.

spinning

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