Haven't seen him in almost 4 months

I've been writing on here for almost four months, just after I was D&D'd by one of the most disordered people I have ever known. He had me so screwed up I didn't know if I was coming or going. I became a slave to his demands, lose weight, change your appearance, being called vile names. My only fault was trying to gain his approval.

He had another woman, for 4 years. I didn't even know about her for weeks. He was living with her and seeing me on the sly. How stupid of me. I trusted him and never questioned the warning signs.

What kills me is that he ditched me. Why didn't I ditch him? I actually tried to kill myself the day he ended it, I was that screwed up.

About 3 months passed, NC. I finally wrote him (I know), but I needed to have the opportunity to tell him how I really felt.

I emailed him a month ago and told him I never wanted any contact with him again. I told him he is a Narcissist and that he had been verbally abusive to me for over a year. I told him he is a miserable human and I pray for him and that I'm getting my life back and trying to regain happiness.

I HAD to tell him that I, too, no longer wanted a relationship, else, he would go through life with the satisfaction of destroying me. And he hated that I had previously called him a Narc. He is in total denial.

He knew that I had sought professional help to deal with the stress of dealing with him and my psychiatrist and therapist both told me to get out of the relationship, that he was a Narcissist. Why didn't I? I think I was so depressed from the horrid treatment and the Cognitive Dissonance. What makes me so mad today is that I would have been so good to him. But he chose the safe bet, his girlfriend of 5 years over his love from 30 years ago.

I miss the person I wanted him to be. I'm 54, sitting here on a Saturday night all alone, but I know he doesn't really exist. There is nothing I can ever do to change that.

I'm still fighting depression (can't take anti-depressants) and the loss of a dream. But I know in my head and heart that it would have never worked, so I just accept my loneliness and sorrow and work on getting my life back on track. Damn him for what he did to me. He was only thinking of himself. He should have told me about other woman from the beginning, not capture me into his web before slowly letting me know his "true life." Damm him. I didn't deserve that.

Sorry, I'm in the grief stage, but I have accepted the cold hard facts. If he were to call me tomorrow, I know I would never survive another attempt with him. It would be my demise. No more. NC.

Sorry for the rambling. Just feeling bad for myself, that I let myself suffer devastation and now have to pull myself out of a deep, dark hole. Damn you, Charles, for your evil acts and words. I didn't deserve it.

JustVicki