Have I gone insane??

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Sea
Sea's picture
Have I gone insane??

On 1 day I felt some recovery and post here then a day or 2 later I have sudden rage inside me that i wish revenge on that heartless b*stard!! I want to take s stick and beat the hell outa him!!

Why am I like that? Have I gone insane?

I try hard to control i cannot!!

Arghhhhhh

Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture
I would say
that your rage is a natural, healthy reaction to having been cheated and abused! And if he was anything like mine, then he DESERVES being beaten with a stick! Unfortunately, in our society it`s not quite the done thing to beat even a narc. with a stick, and you`d have to break NC to do it. Lose/lose situation. What could you do. Hmm. Run fifty times round the block? Go into the woods and howl? (I once repeatedly castrated my pillow with my teeth - very satisfying). You could beat your pillow with a stick? Or you could write him a really filthy letter and burn it. Or if you still have any presents, mementoes or belongings of his, you could burn or bury, dismember, maim or profane them in some way. I can only tell you that I felt MURDEROUS for frequent periods, and that it passes. And that I`m thinking of you! Hugs Tigerlily
Sea
Sea's picture
Tigerlily
I am actually shock at my rage. I never experience this level of anger before. No even during D&D or breakup time. i tend to curl up and lick my own wound type of person and later even pity the bully. My exN was not honest with me, many OW and plenty of lies. He wants me to be happy that at least I am his official gf! Many woman dying to be with him given his glamour successful career and good looks even at 50s. Unlike alot of woman after his money, i never took a cent from him. I truely loved him with all my heart and wanted to be with him tho he was 20 years older than me. He never want commitment and said he never loved any woman except his mama dearest. he has zero intention to marry me. He always abused me with ST whenever i say or do even a tiny thing that displeased him. I wasted 3 years and came outa it so badly wounded. He said he just like my looks, i was exotic as i have parents of different race. A pretty face to put on his arms on business function. Yes i heard it loud and clear he never loved me.
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture
Dear Sea
It`s possible that, in addition to your quite natural and healthy fury at being cheated and abused, there is old, undealt-with rage welling up in you also. You have been demeaned, and rage may be a way of trying to regain your self-esteem. I don`t know if you journal, but I find it very helpful sometimes just to write down what I`m feeling (for example "I am FURIOUS"). And then I write, "I love my fury and that feels like (for example, "breaking down and wanting to cry"). And then I write, I love my feeling like breaking down and wanting to cry, and that feels like ("strong arms holding me") and so on. This is called "riffing", and it is very useful for going deeper into what we are feeling and learning to love ourselves, no matter WHAT we`re feeling. No, he never loved you, but that is no reflection on YOU, dear Sea! You sound like a beautiful, wonderful woman to me! Try and find your way back to that beautiful, wonderful woman - she needs you! A kiss on your cheek. Tigerlily
Sea
Sea's picture
Yes you totally understand
Yes you totally understand what I've been through. Hugs!! The demeaning, the insult - I felt so low! I felt I let myself down to let someone treats me so badly and still continue for 3 years! The shame also makes me angry! I tried journaling on a note pad on my mobile, I cried everytime I try to go deeper. Sometimes I try to bury the thots deep back into my heart, maybe thats why my anger and rage took so long to surface. It was so well buried under, but as I proceed in healing and 8 weeks not seen him the rage just have to surface. Thanks for telling me I am beautiful. We all need to see ourselves as beautiful. When we are with the N, we felt so ugly so unwanted so clingy onto the N! Thanks so much for sending so much strength over to me. You are an angel. Hugs!! xx Sumiko
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture
I have moments of acceptance
I have moments of acceptance and indifference but they are few and fleeting Most of the time I fantasise about him being homeless, destitute, lying in the road begging for pennies and peeing in his pants.......deep deep joy Ah well I can but dream
Sea
Sea's picture
I felt alot of hurt, CD, pity
I felt alot of hurt, CD, pity for him etc. This is the first time I felt rage, very angry. So much anger that I want to physically beat the hell outa him. This is really frightening coming from a person like me - very mild and obliging. We have different ways to deal with our own "madness" from the N abuse. Just want to emerge as a normal person again. The encounter with N is indeed a devastating thing. Hope what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.
freaked
freaked's picture
yes Sea
yes Sea, i know the feeling. I am so tired and exhausted. but when we read many other posts at the board, there is hope and truly this too will pass. Thank God i could also share my CFS and loving responses gave me hope. Hugs dear
Sea
Sea's picture
Yes we will patiently wait
Yes we will patiently wait for the storm to pass and rainbow and warm sunshine after this. Hugs!!
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture
In the beginning that's how it is!!!!
In the beginning, I would cycle through complete sadness, and fear, over and over, then the anger came in and it would be sadness, fear, anger, then a minute or two of acceptance, and and indifference. Got serious about nc, and the whole process reversed, Now I am in indifference most of the time. And when sadness comes it's not nearly as strong, and does not last. The process works, but it takes time, working through the cd. Thank you all for the support. I am in indifference 95% of the time. Love to all Jen
Sea
Sea's picture
Dear Jen Thanks for your
Dear Jen Thanks for your kind words. I want to be 95% indifference too. I know 100% is not possible unless we are also N. Hugs!
Hunter
Hunter's picture
The simple answer yes!! They
The simple answer yes!! They cause us to lose our marbles.. You are really doing great in your recovery.. It really is a process... Everyone goes thru the exact same process and emotions!!! So it's AG (all god) Be patient with yourself!! Hunter
Sea
Sea's picture
Hunter
As the emotions come pouring out, I realised how deep the hurt is. Hurt and no closure. We have to find our own closure - NC. And while in NC we suffer more pain and with alot of effort and time do we emerge as normal again. There will forever be a scar to remind us. No matter how tough the NC journey i would move on, with all the emotional support here I want to make it! Thanks Hunter!
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Sea
Keep that no contact Buzz Alive!!! Hunter