Has anyone experienced a high functioning aloof N?

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#1 Jun 25 - 9PM
tresor2
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Has anyone experienced a high functioning aloof N?

My N drove me crazy by his disappearing acts, invalidation and ignoring. During the honeymoon stage he was more available, of course. Once he figured he had me hooked, he started the withdrawal phase which made me want him even more. The push/pull phase began.

I have a huge issue with being ignored due to past abuse and this jerk figured it out. Because he was an arrogant lawyer, he acted as he was busy all the time...too busy to send a two word text in response to mine. He would ignore my correspondence for an entire day, on purpose (And no, I didn't call/text often). Then he would taunt me the next day saying he was off at the lake, another part of the world, Las Vegas or whatever. Next I would get an "I love u, c u soon."

A number of times, I ended the so called relationship and a few weeks later, he would call and act as if nothing happened. This went on for years. At one point, he told me that if I was "good," I would get more evenings out. A real sicko and a serious sadistic MF.

My issue...why did I tolerate this crap for so many years? I lived on hope and fantasy and made myself seriously sick. Talk about being a prisoner of my own mind!!! I couldn't accept the fact that such a brilliant, succesful and so called "spiritual" guy could be so abusive. The image didn't fit the behavior.

Jun 26 - 3PM
lisalisa47
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Since this "last" narc

I've realized that my last three relationships have all been with Narcs in some form. The first Narc was actually a nice guy, but admittedly aloof and hard to read. We were together for four years, and when he finally disconnected from me emotionally he actually said "sorry, but that's the way it is". OF course years down the road he tried to get me back but ...if the truth be told, he was ten years older than me and by that time, i was rather glad in one respect that we ended. The second narc - my ex husband - admitted he was a narc in a sense, could get violent and admitted he was "black and empty" inside and also admitted he had no desire to find peace. I prayed for 2 years he'd get a GF so i could leave, that finally happened and he felt remorse and guilt at first till he saw that i was OK with it, and now even though we are supposed to be friends, it's like i'm not even alive to him anymore...and that makes me sad becuz although i have no desire to be with him that way, it's hard to realize that in the end, 18 years with someone, meant very little to them. The third one was....well....the worst, and i am lucky he didn't land me in jail along with him.... now i have a normal BF, and am trying to adjust to a normal life, taking it slow.... Narcs teach us about ourselves, that's what i take away from it all...

LML

Jun 26 - 1PM
gettinbetter
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Oh yes absolutely this was

Oh yes absolutely this was mine to a T. Very high functioning. Extrememly successful. He did the ignoring thing and then would send a text that said I love you. He would give me the silent treatment for months. After the last silent treatment he texted me saying he was getting married which I believe is a lie. I truly believe he did it to inflict maximum amount of pain and to keep me addicted. To induce enough trauma so that my mind would stay constantly on him. He told me this in response to me saying I cared for him and that we dont behave properly to eachother and that I was going to stay away but if he decided he wanted to talk I would be here and what did I get??? Im getting married to a nice lady in the fall. Good luck and take care of your family and signed his name. This from someone I had known since age 17 and had a 5 year relationship with in my twenties. Now in our forties he wanted to make it all right and have a future together. Yeah right. He wanted to make sure he fucked up my mind really good so it would stay on him. I am convinced of that and I must say it worked for a time. I figured it out because he never blocked me and he could have. He doesnt block me because he loves reading those texts where I am in pain. Food for the monster. NO MORE THOUGH. I AM DONE FEEDING HIM.
Jun 26 - 3PM (Reply to #18)
tresor2
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Love

Sounds like a real MF, just like mine. I think lawyers are the absolute worst because they are about winning and money. They make money off of people's suffering and misfortune and are true predators. Mine also told me he was getting married to someone from high school whom he hadn't seen in 45 yrs. Crazy! Later he confessed she was married and several years later, he said she got divorced which I'm sure was a huge feather on his bald head. After all that, I think he moved in with someone else. Each time he dropped a bomb, I knew it was payback for me not talking to him for several weeks or me having said something that pissed him off. N's MUST get the last blow or the last bootie call or the last word. They have to be on top...the winner. That's why if you really want to get rid of one, admit that you're the messed up and that everything was your fault. That way, the revenge thing is less apt to occur.
Jun 26 - 6AM
dolphingirl
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toddler in a suit

Wow, same story with me mine is the CEO of a finance co. He would act like it was such an outstanding act of love on his part to call me on his way home from work-late at night the whole time he would be swearing and yelling at other drivers then abruptly hang up after about 10 mins. It was the wounded vunerable boy that he cast out there like a worm on a hook that pulled me in I once told him that I felt like I was taking care of a toddler and he said, "you are" but in reality underneath all of his games and push and pull, he is angry and incredibly dangerous
Jun 26 - 5PM (Reply to #15)
lisalisa47
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funny

if you pick that word apart "toddler" my ex narc's name is in it LOL LOL LOL in fact my friend used to call him that

LML

Jun 26 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
Done sourcing
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Great name for a narc

Odd, great name for a narc. I think all of them are odd, lol.
Jun 26 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
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Tenured Toddler

The ex-Psychopath is a tenured professor. Lest one think his tenure is a mark of success, look at this way (a)he can't blame for destroying his career (b)he hated teaching (c)it kept him stuck where he treated me cruelly. I don't think his colleagues forgotten, let alone forgave, what he did. I see tenure as punishment. If he didn't get it.. he would've probably stalked me out of revenge, found new hunting grounds, nobody would've known how he treated ME. In a bizarre way, I got my revenge... just not in the usual way. Being unemployed would've left him with WAY too much time on his hands! And his parents live with him. I remember telling the ex-P how he reminded me of a toddler. He'd throw tantrums because I volunteered at a local elementary school. He had nothing but contempt towards children. He called them "snot-nosed urchins." When I broke NC in '09, it was in order to compare him to a newborn, in a mocking way. I only regret not sending a pacifier and teething toys. THOSE are my regrets for breaking NC! That I didn't go far enough!
Jun 25 - 9PM
adoette
adoette's picture

tresor2

Same story for me, t2. My xN is a lawyer who was always extremely busy and very important. My xN also "drove me crazy by his disappearing acts, invalidation and ignoring" I, also, did not contact him often, would break it off and he'd return like nothing had happened. I have asked myself this very question time and time again. Really, how did I let this happen? I haven't formed a clear answer to this yet, but I know it has to do with: 1. Me being a spunky, smart, caring, funny, and successful woman 2. Me having a small chink in my armor (I'll spare you the details) 3. Him seeing the chink and working his narc dark magic to pull me in 4. Him conditioning me with sporadic praise coupled with the silent treatment, ignoring, neglecting, etc. 5. Me becoming brainwashed and addicted to him and needing a fix from him at any cost 6. Me being compassionate and forgiving and an eternal optimist I mean it all "makes sense" when you learn about psychopaths. But it is still confounding because the me that fell (looking back) I could swear is not the me I am. So, another answer could be that our bodies were taken over by aliens and they finally let us go. Yah, maybe that was it. (smile)
Jun 26 - 1AM (Reply to #12)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Abducted....makes sense

I was abducted for 14 years, started with mesmerizing, then the mother ship sucked me up. D and d is the letting go, but the mother ship keeps stopping by (hoovering) looking for fuel (supply) when her tanks are low. Maybe the mirroring and projecting are tricks they learn at the n school held in the parallel universe just down the street. lol
Jun 25 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Addiction

You hit the nail on the head...addiction. I was seriously addicted and still am at some level. He was so toxic and so much fun. I got hooked on that wounded little boy that I saw very early on. I'm also an empath and ever-forgiving. My PTSD is so severe that I became a zombie and lost the ability to keep boundaries. It was like I was being controlled by a cult and the jerk did nothing but sit back and enjoy. He paralyze me with his reptilian stare and had some serious lizard eyes. I ended up getting my MA in psychology behind the insanity and things do make sense academically but, emotionally, I struggle with understanding evil.
Jun 25 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Jelickuk
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Wounded little boy

Oh yes that's the part of him that pulled me in every time. I just adored that part of him and justified his coldness and cruelty because he had been hurt. I broke nc last week because he showed his vulnerable side and cried but that didn't last even a day before the lies and games began. And yes...addiction. A definition for addiction I really like is..... ....never being able to get enough of something that you don't want. Jelic x
Jun 25 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Age 7

Yes, some of them have really high IQ but, their emotional intelligence is at age 7 or 8...they're handicapped. And that's the part I fell in love with; the immaturity that came of like some weird kind of innocents. The hard part to accept is that all of it is fake; an illusion. We'll never know the real N. Their iron clad facade is impossible to penetrate. I understand how easy it is to break contact beind tears. They are excellent actors. They'll use whatever works with absolutely no conscience.
Jun 25 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
empath
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tresor2 ... you have a MA in Psychology???

I read your post and my jaw dropped...you have a MA in Psychology and YOU got tagged by a N? I think that proves just how manipulative and subtle these predators are. Wow.
Jun 26 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
agnesmurphy17
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My replacement

The woman who replaced me with my N was a psychiatrist. Passing all the tests & and knowing the textbook definition is not the same as "knowing" after have been drawn into the web of the narcissist. That is why so many therapists are useless for the PTSD of the victim -- they haven't a clue what it means to be drawn into a pathological relationship. It has to be experienced before one can really understand.
Jun 26 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Psychiatrist

Doesn't surprise me...my guess is that it's about the money. Psychiatrists are good at prescribing meds but, usually don't have a clue when it comes to reality. They are in bed with the pharmaceutical companies. Maybe they get high together and maybe she's a narcissist too. I she isn't, pray for her. The mask will come off when he gets ready. A psychologist, Liane Leedom wrote the book, Just Like His Father. The story is about how she married a Psychopath and what it did to her. The fact of the matter is that a psychopath, especially the high functioning type, can fool anyone, educated or not. They themselves are like little psychologists and know how to zero in on vulnerabilities. Congress is full of narcissists and so is Hollywood...society likes them. I once saw a psychologist who told me that it was OK for me to see the N every few months and that she believed there was nothing wrong with him other than he's a liar. Despite what I told her, she didn't recognize the sadistic SOB that he was. Yes, most therapists don't get it and we can waste years and a ton of money on them and get nowhere. I'm glad I went back to school and now I'll be able to help N victims work through their trauma and PTSD.
Jun 25 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

MA

Actually, I didn't know much about pathology prior to meeting him 9 years ago...I was an auditor. I was driven to making sense of the insanity and that's why I went back to school. If I wouldn't have met the N, there wouldn't have been interest in psych. So, I figured him out and probably made him crazier than he already was by trying to "fix" the psycho lawyer. The gift in all of this was that I began my own spiritual journey an began working on myself. A lot of my misery was brought on by me...I knew better but I was overcome with fascination with the bazaar behavior.
Jun 25 - 9PM
empath
empath's picture

the high functioning N

The N I was with is the CEO of two companies. Definitely what you would call "high functioning". His treatment of other people was always conditioned on what they could do for him. Very much in line with his role as The Boss.
Jun 25 - 9PM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

same story here, exactly

same story here, exactly except he's a senior software engineer instead of a lawyer I don't know why we fall for these assholes, I really, really don't. I have learned all about CD and the tricks they use on us but I still don't understand my own behavior.
Jun 25 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

I know why

The reason I fell for the N was because of my self esteem issues...there was a part of me that felt better when I was around someone who seemed so important. I fell for the charisma and presence he had about him. Tall, dark, hat...he fit my imago image, the perfect guy. It made me feel more valuable that such a big wig showed interest. Little did I know I was being seduced. If I would had a solid sense of self, he would have been gone the first time he exposed himself...yes he did!!