Has anyone else has the realisation that they might be the narcissist?

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#1 Mar 29 - 8AM

Qing Yuan

Has anyone else has the realisation that they might be the narcissist?

I saw my own narcissism a long time ago.
And I know as a child I was criticised and still am in many ways by my family.
It makes me critical now and I open my mouth without thinking too much about what message I am conveying to others, its like I am socially inept sometimes.

I am way too open too and I do have a a very deeply empathic soul but sometimes I think those of us who are hurt and hurt time and time again by the society we live in, the people around us, the cold disconnected disharmony we come to find ourselves in can make us become more like the exact type of person we try to avoid.

I have always said to my narc that I dislike the way he 'corrects my speaking'
And just today I realised I do that to others.
its true that you do receive back from the universe that which you give out.

I noticed my aunty who has a west country accent says 'smally' instead of 'smelly' and I pointed it our. I only did this becasue I had done it to my sister wk b4 with my mum. And my sister and my mother were ok with it (bit closer relationship I guess) but when I pointed it out to my aunty, there was a definite embaressing feeling. I think I may have ADD pr some type of mental defictit of attention to the dynamics of polite conversation. It was utterly embarassing becasue I relaised that I look like the foul person I want to avoid and I must seem to be to others.

So now I know why I am suffering this painful relatiinship becasue I am only reflecting the type of relationship I deserve. I bet most of you are not like me? I bet most of you dont deserve what you suffer but I think I am behave in a foolish, rude, knee jurk reaction way to others. I dont think first and then get surprised when others judge me, ctiticise me and dislike me.

I have friends and I put work into my friendships and give of myself loads to causes. I work in a role where I support people with disabilities and I work voluntarily for the NCT and I try to be kind to others but I think its the thoughtless, spontaneous crappy side of my natures that is little harder to control. I guess I am not a total narcissist because I sometimes notice what I have done and it does make me feel very bad.
(narcs rarley are self relfective)

But how much stuff do I do that I dont notice and dont change and just goes into the etha as bad energy waiting to come back and manifest as a karmatic repercussion?
I wish I knew how to become a nicer person or to work at having better social skills?

#2 Apr 8 - 9AM

marlaoryx

OMG!

I was literally about to post this exact thing. Thank you so much for this. I keep telling myself (and my husband validates me, too) that I have the ability to empathize. Over-empathize, actually. And that, if nothing else, makes me not a narcissist. It must be the tendency we have to take blame on ourselves, thinking that somehow it was all our fault. But then I think about the abuse, and it's undeniable. I didn't do any of those abusive things. I didn't threaten him or push him out of his comfort zone. I respected him and his family. So no, I am not the narc, but sometimes I need reminding of that.

#3 Apr 7 - 3PM

momoya

Not I

I think we all have narc tendencies that are healthy for self esteem - what i have read up on is the NPD disorder and one of the main things I have that they don't have is: empathy. Our ability to feel for others and connect with others, even sympathize. So allow it is great introspection NO I am not a Narc. :)

momoya

#4 Apr 7 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Steph

I think feeling like u ar the

I think feeling like u ar the "narc" is a VERY common phase. But momoya sums it up beautifully, the difference is having EMPATHY. That is the determining factor. If one can't put themselves in someone elses shoes, so to speak, and have real compassion for another's circumstances....well, that ain't normal. And you others here are SO right.....A Narc would NOT be here questioning if it was them that was the problem. Even if they know they are the problem....they sure as hell wouldn't be seeking ways to change themselves or be out seeking insight into their behaviours....they just move on to the next "doormat". We can all be "selfish" at times....but not to the extent of compromising another person's well being. That's the difference.

#5 Apr 7 - 10AM

kizzy72

Good question

I've gone through this thought in my head, and after reading some of the traits I've questioned could I be a Narc, and it made me feel bad, question my actions and try to change. That's the key, a Narc wouldn't feel anything and I'm always placing other people's feelings before my own, almost to a fault.

#6 Apr 7 - 8AM

Susan32

He accused ME of being the Narc...

Whenever I was happy. Whenever I was confident. When I wasn't completely obedient. When I questioned him. When I showed my boundaries. I think in the ex-Psych prof's mind, I was the Narc because I was the one who declared my love to him... then left him. (Never mind he already had a girlfriend) He wanted me to be like Natasha Rostov, who becomes dour, dull, and stops singing and acts as her husband's slave. He REALLY thought I'd stop singing. He was a New England Yankee, but he was whistlin' Dixie.

#7 Apr 8 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

When I wouldn't be a doormat...

The ex-Psych prof would call me a Narc. He'd say IN CLASS "You're such a narcissist"-if I stood up to him. I think in the bizarreness of my junior year and the final D&D, he was trying to guilt me into thinking *I* was the Narc. After all, he was sobbing to his students DURING CLASS about how terrible&disloyal I was for dating. One of my classmates said that the ex-P was acting like the "stereotypical heartbroken woman" in getting fat on junk food&getting drunk. During the final D&D, he was getting drunk. Around my classmates. On class time, in fact. I wasn't. I was devastated. It was the whole "see, you ruined ME" (he was even getting drunk after his girlfriend moved in, go figure) Ns/Ps naturally expect us to embody their disorder. I honestly think the ex-P expected me to take on his drunkenness&fatness so I'd be undesirable... and so he'd look great. But he had to do it himself. Because I'm the DIY sort.

#8 Mar 29 - 2PM

really

I also think that because we

I also think that because we are so in the process of identifying and digesting these behaviors, our sensitivity to them is heightened. So when you act in a manner that you have associated with your N or being an N, you think, "hey, that was N-like. Am I an N?!" The difference is that you're reacting to one specific action that exists in a sea of other normal behaviors and it is likely a "normal" behavior for the situation. That is distinctly different from an N whose behaves this way consistently without regard for the context or situation he's in, who else may be involved, or the feelings of others.

#9 Mar 29 - 2PM

ImStrong

I thought I was the narc too

I thought I was the narc too when my narc said this on fb.."to all my exs you lied when you said you love me" along with "its like I get the ones that keep ripping pieces ov my heart.. And leaving with.. And don't want to learn that.. No matter how high I put ma guard up. It's like one always jumps over.." Unfourtunintly..everything he said is how I felt..and he felt nothing zero..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#10 Mar 29 - 1PM

michele115 (not verified)

Everyone has narcissistic traists

To some degree or another...the dynamics of relationships with PD's very often result in their whacky behavior rubbing off on you some... Now I notice you are down on yourself for certain behaviors...but I don't think you got the relationship you "desrved" we are all human. The mere fact that you are noticing this about yourself shows you have insight and are reflecting on yourself and are aware of things that you feel you might want to change. PD's don't do that...especially narcissists. Hugs!

#11 Mar 29 - 11AM

helldweller

are we the narcissists?

I think most of us have gone through this. I know that I have had a number of relationships in my life where I became repulsed by the man because he was "too nice." This was not the environment I was raised in. I went for the guys who, yeah, like my dad, talked fast, had great repartee, charisma, street smarts. These are the only guys that lasted for any amount of time. The really nice ones I started off being in love with and then, poof, literally overnight could not stand being around them. However, though I confused them by suddenly turning "off" the great love we seemed to have, I felt awful about it, I eventually apologized, admitted I was scared or uncomfortable with so much intimacy and yes, kindness, and at least tried to be nice even if I had hurt them really badly. I just did it last year, when I boroke up with the narc to see a really really really nice man who was in love with me. I dumped him like a hot potato when the narc begged me to come back to him. We are still friends but he is too smart to go out with me again, at least now. At 29 years old, he told me: you've got some time you need to spend on your own, don't you? Smart kid. I think the narcs also are treating people the way they were treated as kids, but it's not just a matter of being wounded as we all are by things we went through. Thbey are a different animal altogether. We TRY to understand ourselves. We WANT to be better. We LONG to be in a mutual, loving relationship. I hated what I did to those guys who loved me--that I turned them on and then turned myself off. I am very aware of that aspect of me now and am extremely careful about the signals I send now. WE care. WE feel badly. WE learn. WE grow. WE are not narcs.

#12 Mar 29 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

Scoop

Here the big diffrence

Here the big diffrence between what you have writen and what a narc would write You "i think im the narc " Narc "you are the narc " See .. a narc dosnt have introspection , and you have continuly showed tons of it (too much in my view )You are not a narc , you are human and not perfect but you are no way a narc . QY i really think you are blaming youre self far too much for the way youre narc treats you . Everyone gets sick right but he is cured the fastest because in his eyes he is a better person than you and he makes sure he tells you that . He asked his brother for money for his guitar , when he got the trots he blamed you for keeping a dirty kitched WTF .. i will always remember that one lol , the thing is he balmes you and when you live with someone who is constontly ducking responcebility the brain washing that "you are to blame" kicks in , its abuse , the most soul destroying , incidious abuse that slowly chips away at you . big love Scoop x

#13 Mar 29 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Scoop

I havnt finished ... youre

I havnt finished ... youre narc is a twit who can not hold down a job but thinks he is gods gift to everything.. dont you remember when you where struggling to make ends meet he gose out and spends two grand on a bike and then winged because he could finish his stupid little race while you where pulling youre hair out on how you where going to pay the morgage ... and lets not remember the stupidly expencive computers he made you buy and when you wanted that soft wear off him he was going to charge you for it !! he is youre husband !... yes hes a twit ... ok im done now xx

#14 Apr 2 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

Qing Yuan

Thank you all 4 this!!

Oh scoop, I forgave it all! I did big hard forgiveness work! I listened to Caroline myss! I went uktr introspective! I looked deep within my own psyche! Quit the weed, quit the booze, switched on the deep healing switch! I forgot it all! Now he says he knows he didn't give me enough money and he "promises" this time he will give me more money!!! His promises are paper thin! Nxt wk he will be saying something different to the week after that! Oh my lord, his every changing whim makes me sick! I am trying to heal my body of crawling disgusting parasites! I'm trying to heal my son! Drinking green juice, taking green algae n Otha supps! Eating lots of living food! Quoting Louise hay affirmations by the barrel load! "saying "I am right where I need to be" "I except my life with grace" "I am at peace" " I lovingly take back my power" and now the fucker wants out!!! He wants out, can u believe it! He says he yearns a more "fulfilling" relationship! I let him come back in the family home so that he can dump on me from the highest height! I thought I was the narc!! But I'm just actually being so screwed by the narc I didn't see that I was being "coloured" by his guilt! It's probably been his projection all along! I thought it was me! That if I worked on me, all manner of love and happiness would open up in him! Trying to raise humility in him is like trying to raise the dead! I wished him well! Didn't cry, not a tear! He can have no more of me! I'm healing my body, my life and my son!! Goodbye and good riddance narc!!! Sorry scoop! U were right and I knew it really! All the heartache! So much pain and he's not even done!!!

#15 Apr 3 - 3AM (Reply to #5)

Scoop

What a complete arse

What a complete arse wipe...... "trying to raise humility in him is like trying to raise the dead " its so true , you can look for it in him till the day you die and it wont ever be there .. he wants a more fullfilling relationship eh? i hoped you punched him in the face .See this is ojectifcation at its most causal he might as well have just tossed you and youre son out in the bin when he said that .Even though we know we are dealing with an emotional retard their ways can still leave us gob smacked . Narcs just dont have the same emotional atacthment that we have for other humans.. its not there , it will never be there it is their mental illness in practise . Once we really get that fact right into our heads is the time that we start to reject them . All you did here was believe the act once more and was D&D again . That is what they do , that is all they are .Scoop xx

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