Hard Time Letting Go - CrAzY Thoughts!

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#1 Dec 17 - 8PM
BrokenHeart27
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Hard Time Letting Go - CrAzY Thoughts!

Hi everyone,

I’m having a really hard time letting go .
On a positive note, I have finally reached the decision that No Contact is the only way to proceed at this point. However, I am having many internal struggles about this – it is devastating to me to realize that someone who meant EVERYTHING to me for the past year is now someone I can never communicate with again for the sake of my own mental health.

I’m also having trouble fully realizing that the person he presented to me in the early stages of courtship was completely false. I thought I had shared so many happy, fun times with someone that I thought was so amazing and special – and that wasn’t him at all. It just hurts knowing that since I’ve been discarded I will never see that “person” or side of his personality again unless he is hoovering me for whatever fucked up reason (and even then I realize it is only the false self I am interacting with).
I miss that person he pretended to be so much that it physically hurts my heart sometimes. The memories are destroying me. I feel so pathetic being in love with something that wasn’t real.

As much as I HATE HATE HATE to admit this, his continued contact (he has contacted me 4 out of the 5 months we have been broken up) gives me a sense of false hope. I KNOW that he is only using me for supply in the moment, and I know that he doesn’t care about me in the way I want him to, but whenever I hear from him it still gives me a sense of hope because of the fact that I even crossed his mind. Like maybe he misses me and he finally realizes what he had. I don’t know why I can’t get over this – considering he just messes with my head and then ignores me whenever I reply to his contact. I despise myself for feeling this way because rationally I know he feels nothing for me and it is a game to him. He has said to me several times that he “can’t see us in a relationship” and “we’re not right for each other” but he wouldn’t mind meeting up for sex – which makes me feel used and disgusting when what I really want is his heart.

And I know my head is so screwed up for even thinking this, but I know that the day he truly stops trying to contact me because he is involved with someone else, etc. I will be crushed, knowing that I don’t even mean enough for him to try and irritate me anymore. And I will be upset that he found someone else to “replace” me. I know this is crazy thinking – I KNOW IT, honestly! But my head is so messed up from all this!!

It kills me to know that someone I loved so much is someone I can never talk to again if I want to get better and heal.
Any words of advice? How have other people dealt with these types of feelings / issues??

Dec 18 - 10AM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

Perhaps, part of your

Dec 18 - 10AM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

Your subconscious came out in

Dec 18 - 9AM
TruthbeginsToday
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makes you feel used and disgusting

Dec 18 - 3AM
hope29
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I am feeling the same to be

Dec 17 - 10PM
notyourgirl
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Do you have access to any