Happy 4 months to me!!

It's been 4 months NC and what a ride its been! I am in such a different place to what I was in month 1. I read this site nearly every day and its been the very best thing I could have found! Reading everyone's stories, seeing myself in all of them and feeling validated that all the shit I went through was indeed ' normal' narc behaviour. Amazingly easy to move forward once you understand what you left.

I laugh nowadays and I smile and I see good in the world. I'm cautious with rships or jumping into anything coz I now look for narcs but it's been good to feel ALIVE!! I looked back over my time with him ( which was around 20 months) and realised I was in some surreal world. I was a mess , stuck in fog and it makes me shake my head now, looking back.

Today I cleaned my room and found a journal that I had where i wrote down what happened with narc daily. It was what I did so I could remember things said, timing of events, how I felt . It was the way I coped as he used to gaslight and I needed a frame of reference to go back to. Reading it, everything flooded back. The words I used " cunning bastard, snake, I don't trust him, I need to check his calls, is he calling her, he denied what I saw, my late night drivebys".... The pain I was in was so clear on paper. Even an email I wrote him was in my drawer....

The OMG moment was seeing it written in jan 2011- and I was breaking it off with him, 5 months in- the words I had written were all NPD referenced yet I still didn't know about NPD!!!! I referenced Jekyll and Hyde, emotional roller coaster, that he doesn't have real intentions, that he has anger issues, that he says I am inept in love.... And on and on. And then I said " IT APPEARS THAT IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!! So I knew I wanted to leave but still didn't coz he hoovered me intensely after that. Sucks that I failed. A year and a bit later, I officially left. Took my time to grasp what I knew to be true, tried to convince myself I was wrong but I was always right.

NC and leaving is the best thing anyone can do with these people. No matter how much love or admiration you feel , it's all fake. Never again will I allow this to happen to me. I can pick up the toxic traits a mile away. I'd rather be single and selfish , than leave my soul to the devil!

Time and wisdom heals all wounds :)

Xx