Happiness Lies In The Truth

The ex-Psych prof HATED children to a pathological extent. His hatred ran that deep. He couldn't stand it when I volunteered at a local school. And guess what? A year after the D&D, he was the father of twins. It's like karma kicked in&made him deal with screaming, needy babies. Lucky lucky him. "They laugh, act silly, and don't worry how they look to other people. It is easy for them to express their joy and happiness in just being alive."- The ex-P would always rebuke me when I was happy. He'd call my laughter demonic, he'd call it a cackle as if I were a wicked witch... and he'd mock me (in front of others) because of my "idiotic grin." He couldn't stand children. No wonder I sent an email to him a decade ago congratulating him on being a proud papa!!!! I'm a sweet and happy person that way.

I am on a quest these last months for truth. First it was about the lies he told to me, then the truth of how I didn't see it...now it has evolved into a true within. Listening to inner voice of myself. I have to say that before I was putting one foot forward... and taking two steps back but now I am taking two steps forward and one step back. With my last back step... I just came to the conclusion I have been lying to myself at times. I tell myself I dont care, I am tough a spartan queen, RARRR... My heart is amoured and I am ready to heal.; but when I went to meditate all I felt inside was broken, Defeated and grief. And then love. So much love. Love for him and for what I was capable of. Loving myself enough to let him go. So instead of doing what all my girlfriends always say I should do.... I let it come. I felt love for my ex N and surronded him with it. It was the first time in 9 months I allowed the love to come through and the hate to remain on hold. I did not forgive him I did not wish him back....I merely accepted the fact that I still loved him and allowed myself to feel it. I have been weak emotionally from this but I do feel stronger. I feel my one step back opened my eyes to the fact that I am indeed not as " strong as I thought" That I need to embrace the little things in my life again and begin to give back to others rather than take anymore time for myself. I AM an empath. I choose to care. The hate in my heart was blocking me from seeing myself. It enabled the crappy picture he painted of me to remain. I thought for sure I was ruined by this man but another Aha moment..After 3 years I took the same personality test again...I was waiting for the new results when low and behold....I truth am still an idealist at heart.....No one was more shocked than I. You see ive been trying to be so tough and so strong and trying to be a new improved narc proof girl.......IM just not. At least not right now. I need to be me. I need to take my steps back. My laughter has returned and I once again had an almost pee my pants moment.... I am alive. I fighting to survice the after the Narc storm but I am getting ready through honesty to live... love and light....sorry was sooo long I dunno where all that came from!!!!

on truth and opportunities and re-connecting with the childlike joy of living each moment. Thanks again, blessing, for this post. I like the way you approach our healing. most sincerely (having a slight glitch and fighting) spinning

The truth really does set you free. I think that I will come out of this with a stronger sense of self worth than when I went into it. Its maybe been a blessing in disguise. Yes he caused some damage but its repairable. I have great satisfaction in knowing that I caused him damage too. He met his match in me :)

An excellent post and very strong words of encouragement for us all! Not wanting to accept the truth for almost a decade kept me in a very dark and destructive place. Keep the faith!

"The narc will never be capable of true joy and happiness and will repeat their destructive cycles over and over again. WE, however, are loving, strong, capable, intelligent women who are here to seek the truth and not just survive, but THRIVE!" WELL SAID!! Very insightful post, thank you! xoxo

I like your comments.

This is excellent! Your posts are great, keep them coming! Idealk