The "hamster's wheel" theory.

Hi Everyone,

I have a theory and wanted to ask if anyone else feels this way about their relationship with the narcissist.

It seems to me that the typical narcissist wants to keep his relationship with his romantic partner on a "hamster's wheel". In other words, the relationship appears to be moving forwards but, in reality, is actually going nowhere. Even if he has gone through the motions of moving in together or even marriage there is no increase in actual commitment, love or respect for the partner. At some point we, the partner, begin to realise this and challenge it, but we don't get anywhere because the narc has a logical answer to explain everything. (i.e. "Of course I still want to marry you. It's just that this has been a really busy year for me. I will ask you to marry me soon. I'm going to make it really romantic when I ask you. Just be patient or you will spoil things"). And of course, in this example, he will never ask her to marry him but she will hang on in there thinking that he will.

Most relationships with "normal" people follow a pattern. There is the "honeymoon" at the beginning where everything is exciting and new. During this stage there are no big expectations of each other and no sense of commitment. Everything is just about having fun and enjoying each other's company. It is all about the potential that the relationship may have for the future. At this stage people try to show themselves at their very best. Then, after a while, perhaps a few months, the relationship goes into a new phase - love. At this point we begin to relax and really be ourselves when with our partner. It is natural to begin to rely on our partner a little more. We tend to confide in them more and are not afraid to let them see our weaknesses, mistakes that we have made or our vulnerable side. We take care of them if they are sick and can assume this to will reciprocated. We fall into a routine with them that feels comfortable and secure. We feel loved, respected and happy. Most couples who have been together for a long time would look back on the "honeymoon" stage with great nostalgia and fondness, but that does not mean that they wish for the relationship to go back to that stage. A normal relationship will naturally progress and move forwards.

However, it appears to me that the narcissist wants to keep his relationship at the "honeymoon" stage, permenantly. The narcissist does not want the relationship ever to reach the stage where you feel comfortable telling him your problems. He does not want to feel responsible for looking after you when you are sick. He does not want you to depend on him for his help for any reason. Indeed, he does not want you to have any kind of expectations of him at all. He wants, and expects, to be able to come and go as he pleases, just like he could at the beginning of the relationship.

I believe that this behaviour of the narcissist has a huge effect on us (their partner).

Firstly, by keeping the relationship in the "honeymoon" (all fun but no real commitment) phase, this does have the effect of keeping the relationship exciting for us for a prolonged period of time, far longer than if compared to a relationship with a normal person who does not have a personality disorder. This leads us to believe (incorrectly) that the narcissist is the right person for us because we have never before had a relationship that was so exciting. The way he "keeps us on our toes" give us an adreneline rush. Everything is about the potential that the relationship has to offer, rather than what we are genuinely receiving now, but this is giving us false hope. It is like a person walking through a desert towards an irresistable oasis. They keep walking because they do not realise that the oasis is just a mirage. They are happy to keep going through the dry, hot desert and suffer all of the horrible conditions because they think that one day they will arrive at the oasis and then it will all be worth it. But that day never comes. It is at the point that we realise our relationship is, or was, just a mirage that we suffer severe trauma. It is easier and less painful to go on believing in the mirage than to face the truth about the relationship because of the pain involved and I believe this is partly why it can be so hard to let go of the mirage even for months afterwards.

Secondly, keeping the relationship in the "honeymoon" phase is exhausing for us at the time. I have heard it said that a relationship with a narcissist is like being on a roller coaster ride that you can't get off and I agree with this analogy completely. Roller coasters are fun to start with, but you do not want to still be on them 2 hours later. In the same way, the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is exhilarating, but who wants a relationship that stays like that indefinately. I believe that it is in keeping us in this early stage and never allowing the relationship to progress to real love and inimacy that the narcissist makes us "sick" (as if we were still on that roller coaster) and the longer we stay on it the worse it becomes.

Once we have researched and understood narcissism we can see this more clearly. But at the time, when we are in a reltionship with such a person, it is frustrating beyond belief that this relationship with someone we love just cannot go forwards no matter how hard we try.

I didn't mean for my post to be so long but I have never been very good at saying things in a concise way. I do think that the more perspective I can get on the reality of how things really were in my relationship the more I am recovering. I would love to hear from anyone else who can relate to feeling like this about their relationship. Perspective is power.