Had a big argument with my sister

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#1 May 14 - 8AM

Deidre40

Had a big argument with my sister

It was her (now ex) husband who for years abused me, emotionally and verbally, growing up, after my parents died. She just stood by and let it all happen.

I swallowed it for years. I even forgave her and him. Let it all go. But, to still pick at me? To still demean me, put me down...etc? No. I decided yesterday, I was going to finally stand up to her.

Not going to get into the details, but suffice to say she sent me an email disapproving of how I handled something. I'm taking my daughter to a concert next weekend, and wanted to stay with her, since it's close to the theater. She was fine with this at first, last minute...she changes her mind, telling me she might not be around. This is nothing new for her. I said I'd ask her son then. To stay with him. She gets snippy, and basically implies that I'm 'using' them. hahaha Gee...I thought this is what family does for one another in need? I'm not asking for $50k. Really? This has been my underlying problem all my life...as to why I've been drawn to narcs as an adult. Because I grew up with them!

So...I stood up to her, and put her in her place. Said nothing that was that over the top, but definitely struck a few nerves. And you know what? It felt great! Great not to be at conflict with her, but to speak my mind. To finally say...HOLD UP...YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE A CHILD ANY LONGER. YOU WILL NOT DEMEAN ME ANY LONGER. Sorry, I'm not accepting this behavior anymore from you.

Yay me! This may very well help me in my recovery from dating that jerk. I am sad today though, because it sucks to not have a normal, loving family. And while my sister has done a lot for me, she has also been the cause of a lot of pain for me. Her and her ex. I have forgiven, but telling her off...helped me to stand up for myself. To stand up to the very person who I feel, I've had to walk on eggshells for off and on...all my life. Things were much much better between us...she and I were getting along great the past few years. But...then this? Making me feel bad simply because I asked to stay with her? Accusing me of all sorts of behaviors, that weren't true?

My new motto. If you wish to bring me down. If you wish to demean me. You have no place in my life. For whatever your reasons. Go see a shrink. Go on med. Whatever. But, I will no longer be ANYONE's emotional punching bag, any longer.

Day 6...not logging into that site. :=) Happy Saturday everybody!

#2 May 14 - 10AM

HopeAgain

Mother's Day Fiasco

Ok, so presently I am not talking to my mother, my sister or my daughter & apparently it's ALL MY FAULT. Hmmm, very similar to living in narcdom. The night before and into mother's day I was very emotional because of how my children had been nasty to me (they are 13 & 15...what fun!). They have a new stepmom and this has been hard for me. I felt as if they didn't want to spend mother's day with me at all. I went to church without them and we were supposed to go out to dinner with my mom, sister & brother in law (visiting from Va.) For some reason because I was emotional about my kids (and I am sure it was due to the anniversary of my miscarriage/ emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy) they all decided to get in the car and go to dinner leaving me & my kids behind. No apology, no remorse...because yes, it was my fault somehow. My mother couldn't admit my sister was wrong. So we are not speaking. My daughter has big time issues just tolerating me & makes me feel not good enough...as opposed to her rich stepmother who sees her 4 days a freakin month. This woman is not a mother and has no idea what being a mother is about. Anyway, I just wonder why no one ever has my back?? I mean ever....including my ex husband & Ex N. WTF is it with me? Maybe it is ME???????????????? I am back in narcdom questioning everything about myself.

#3 May 14 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

Hunter

Hopeagain

Teenagers are teen agers, Don't you remember when you were 13? You new it all or at least I did. Mom's are a thorn in their side. As far as them leaving you behind, Not nice!! Honestly my husband always tells me to spend more time with my mom. " That's your mother, your Family, it's all you got" I would rather gouge my eyes out , He doesn't understand, nor do I expect him too. My response " if that's all I've got Im screwed. I have few friends but the one's I do have would get me out of anything and I them. " My point is just because its your family doesn't mean you should like them. Hunter

#4 May 14 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

Deidre40

Hopeagain

Oh Hope! Your story brings tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry. I think that truly? I feel a lot of the same way you do. Losing my parents...no one has had my back. You put that perfectly! I think I'm uber sensitive to that, perhaps? It's funny, but this whole thing with this recent narc...it made me stronger to face my sister yesterday. And my sister, made me realize what drew me to the narcs. My sister plays a martyr. Granted, she has done so much for me. She raised me, and had to sacrifice a lot. But, I have always felt like a burden. Her ex husband saw to it that I felt that way. There's nothing wrong with us, Hope. Nothing. We are loving, kind people...and the only mistake we make? Is thinking people should treat us as we treat them. But, they don't. The key is ...is to not try to control them or change them, but move away from them. In going NC with this narc...I have gained back my control. I was very tempted to remark to a post he made on that website yesterday, designed to bait me. I now know what bait smells like at least! LOL Before I used to swallow it hook, line and sinker. But, now I know what bait is. And I stopped myself. He has no idea if I read his comment, that is what silence does. It gives you control. Once you reply. Once you reach out. Once you break NC. The ball is back in their court. I want the ball in my court...and to remain in my court. No one hurts me without my permission. If I break NC. I give the narc permission to hurt me again. Really...when you think about it. That's what breaking NC tells another person. Hope...I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can so relate. No family is perfect, but some are just kinder than others. I did not grow up in a kind and loving family. And I won't pretend anymore that I did. They're a large part of why I am the way I am...vulnerable, and scared to speak my mind. For fear of rejection and silence. I was given the silent treatment for a while by my ex BIL. He would not speak to me for days, and I never knew what I did. Karma, sadly...has come back on him. I didn't gloat when it did, but rest assure. If you are an asshole long enough to others in your lifetime...karma will come to you. I pray that things get better for you. Stay strong, and even though this is your family, hold your ground. I don't believe in holding grudges. But, I also don't believe in letting people step on me to keep the peace.

#5 May 14 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

michele115 (not verified)

Hope Again

Holidays in general are triggers. This past mother's day was the FIRST mother's day that jumped off pretty much without a glitch. Well, there were some glitches but I decided to just get over them cause it was better than ANY of the ones past. My mother had a moment...she always does, and I just passed over it like a speed bump and kept going... I am not suggesting at all that you should "suck it up and just get over it" just sharing what I chose to do THIS past mother's day. But I have been where you've been for many of a birthday, christmas, mother's day...ground hog day...LOL With the kids though, and mine is just entering his teen years - and as a former educator and reading some on child rearing although if you were to peek in here sometimes you'd think I never read anything - the truth is that by nature KIDS are narcissistic! It's part of their development, and if we do it right they outgrow it. Please don't take your daughters behavior personally - kids are assholes sometimes, but eventually most outgrow it. Try to be patient and when you find you're about to lose it, take a walk outside. My son and I got into a doozie the other night the most ridiculous crap - and I like an asshole called my mother cause I felt like I was gonna KILL HIM! AND you know what - we both over reacted, I was triggered cause he was being a "teen" and acting like a "narc" and I wanted to punch him in the face!!! Yes, this same child I would DIE for I wanted to KILL! We all go through it, just keep talking to her, and do your best to model healthy communication - we are not perfect, God did not send us a manual!!! But I think all of us, by nature of our personalities are loving, kind, empathetic, compassionate women that know more about the key then we give ourselves credit for. In my case, I've decided I don't have to be perfect but I try after I lose my mind to go back, revisit and explain what sets me off and I try to listen to him. Sometimes, he comes back with the most insane reasoning but you know what he's an individual and sometimes I have to agree to disagree just remind him what the boundaries are. Intermittently, I'm left shocked by things that come out his mouth that sound rational, empathetic and insightful which at least shows me that despite the insanity at times, little by little it DOES sink in for them. Hugs!

#6 May 14 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

HopeAgain

Michelle

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's so hard with my kids right now because of the divorce from their dad. (He is not the ExN...but he definitely had narcissistic tendencies). He was never there for me in our marriage, he never had my back. He became a father the day I asked for a divorce, then it was game on...he made it a competition. He was better than me even though I was the one always there for my children. My son is the older one (15) and has a lot of his own issues, but I find he has a heart and compassion for me. My daughter is angry and has resentment towards me. No doubt this is because their dad brainwashed them that I broke up the family. They don't remember when he was an absent father and everything was on my back 100%. There were many reasons that our marriage didn't work out. Now he has a new wife and they seem picture perfect together...they put on a really good show for my kids & it's all about materialistic things...money, vacations, name brand everything. Meanwhile he lied to her saying our divorce was final when they started dating & it wasn't!! He didn't even tell her that when WE tried for a 3rd child he was tested and had a low sperm count! This woman wants children & he is deceiving her and pretending to try to get her pregnant! What a gem! Then there was the abusive relationship with the narc that put a further strain on my relationship with my kids. I feel like I am in a competition with their dad and stepmom that I can't win. The past is being re-written by his brainwashing so they think he was a good husband and I just threw him away. I was the one always there when he was out having fun and being irresponsible. Now I am the enemy. I still do it all and he lives too far away to have them that much. Yet, he is still the hero.

#7 May 14 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

michele115 (not verified)

Hope Again

It IS a classic battle. One I share with you don't get me STARTED...the current Narc is not my son's father, but don't think for a minute the other guy is that far off the scale...not sure if he is or isn't but when I came face to face with this whole hornet's nest I did some thinking about THAT relationship too - and have arrived at some conclusions there - but they're just not as much of a priority because I'm not as emotionally invested - but he's had some missles thrown his way since my eyes were opened. Even in a normal situation, this dynamic plays out...that is a contradiction cause I guess a normal situation would not have dysfunction - what I am trying to say is that even in dealing with someone that isn't PD, we play out scripts and Daddy becomes Disneyland incarnate while were the one's saying eat your string beans, wash the dishes, clean your room, do your homework, blah, blah, blah while he gets to waltz in and "buy" their love with everything you can imagine and of course they "get the glory" The truth is I believe, that in time - if we do it right, when they get older, when they become adults, when they can reason and mature...they begin to understand. When they have their own kids and those kids are giving it right back to them...they remember and they say...hmmm NOW I get why mom did such and such - and hmmmm this life isn't so easy after all and my dad didn't exactly do such and such...they awaken and they appreciate, and they understand... So no, the rewards won't come now, but that isn't why we have kids anyway. We have these visions of sugar plums that they're gonna be sugar and spice and everything nice and from the moment they can start walking and say "No" which is at the age of two...the JIG is up and the real work begins and that is when we really learn what "unconditional" love is all about. So you know what - for whatever he's doing, manipulating and so on...don't badmouth him...they will open their eyes, he is who he is and that won't change and the day will come when your daughter will be able to see for herself...EVERYONE eventually uncovers the mask of a narc in the interim, keep doing what you're doing, be there regardless, and know that in time truth will reveal itself. Don't badmouth him cause that will only get her to rebel against you more...just worry about the relationship you have with her and step out of the relationship she has with him. Create your own "unique" value with her...if that makes any sense. I'm broke as I don't know what - I have to deny my son left and right. His dad by court order pays 25 per month...it was much more when he worked but he learned ways around it. I could fight it but right now prove nothing...we are destitute like you would not believe and I am disabled. Nonetheless, every other weekend, he gets my son sneakers, electronic gifts, $50.00 gaming cards and I keep jumping up and down telling him, if you can spend money on that crap, I need money cause he can't eat his sneakers...in one ear out the other and of course what teenager is gonna say: "yea, I need a can of veggies more?" But if I cause a battle and make it an issue and try to divide, it will blow up in my face. I do what I have to do - and have learned when my son asks me for XYZ I say ask your dad...and that is all I can do. In the interim, there is no competition. I butter the bread good, bad or indifferent and on some level, my son knows that...but he's also a kid that has a lot of living to do. We were teen ourselves at one time...and I know for me I can admit, I knew nothing of the trials and tribulations of being a grown up. So, despite all this, you can use this experience, to help turn your daughter who might seem pissy as hell right now into one formidable woman...it's how we work our show...she's taking everything in the good with the bad. Kick ass Hope - trust me...this will turn around in time... Hugs!

#8 May 14 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

HopeAgain

Michelle & Deirdre

I suppose I just want that one person who has my back..who is there to lean on and give me strength. I get tired of being so strong all the time. I always took care of my parents too & my mom has lived with me for 11 years since my dad passed away. My life has always been one of responsibility and doing everything for everyone. But somehow it's never enough. My mother is sort of like my 3rd child and she is very critical of me despite all I have done for her. I guess I have been the passive doormat with my mom, in my past marriage and with my kids. Just wanting to be loved & accepted and trying so hard to get that love & acceptance. Just like with the narc, the harder I try the further away I get. Michelle, I am so sorry about your financial situation. That must be extremely hard for you. It's definitely a struggle being a single mom. I've been trying to sell my house and can't seem to get a buyer in this market. I am blessed to be doing ok, but you never know from one day to the next with the way things are in the world. Anyone can lose their job in a heartbeat. I think I get too emotional with my kids. I wear my heart on my sleeve and then they see me as "having issues" which their dad certainly encourages. They don't see that I have feelings too. I am expected to be superwoman and do it all on my own. One thing I can't understand is cruelty. The way my sister left me behind on Mother's Day...that was cruel. She treated me exactly the way my ex husband, ex N and mother have treated me...like I am subhuman. I don't deserve respect or love or an apology. All this only serves to bring the pain of the narc relationship back to the forefront. It's like I am trying so hard to row my boat away from the pain..but there is only more waiting for me, inflicted by those who are supposed to be on my damn team.

#9 May 14 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

michele115 (not verified)

Hope...

What this experience does is open our eyes and we become acutely aware of abuse. AND any hint of abuse will trigger you. This does not mean you are oversensitive, it means that your awareness is heightened and since you've been recently brutally assaulted by the Narc, anyone who treads on that territory, you will most likely react... I hope you don't turn it inward I think it can go both ways. For me, look at me the wrong way and I'm on ya like flies on crap. To a certain extent at some point this will have to be tamed - but when it is in the direction of someone that is clearly inconsiderate - do let it rip just don't get physical...LOL You have EVERY RIGHT to define your boundaries and let people know when they're stepping on your toes! AND if they can lay their crap on you without a second thought...then it's our job to "educate" them. Hugs!

#10 May 14 - 9AM

Hunter

D40

Rock On. I don't have a normal family either. I just got of the phone with my mom. ISH!! Hunter

#11 May 15 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Deidre40

Hunter

That's right...ROCK ON. LOL I didn't hear from my sis. And I did not reach out. I don't feel ''good'' about any of it, but frankly? I'm firm in my position. It's not about being right. It's about not being treated like crap anymore...by someone who should look out for me. My own family. So, barring her apologizing...I won't reach out. Her birthday is in August...I plan to send her a card. That's it though. I don't expect her to reach out. But...if we ever talk again, she needs to respect me. Or she can't be in my life. It's vital for me and all of us here...to stand by our principles. It's waivering that causes us to break NC with the narcs. I feel a sense of freedom with standing up to my sister. Loooong time comin! Hope everyone had a nice weekend...and make it a great week. :=)

#12 May 14 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

michele115 (not verified)

Hunter....

Sorry to hear about that...brush it off and take a few deep breaths, been having a spell over here as well...grrr. Hugs!

#13 May 14 - 8AM

michele115 (not verified)

Diedre

Good for you! Moreover, I am glad you can identify the source of what contributed to some of the attraction to a narc. For me, I made a lot of connections and YES - I found my voice. That is what is going on, you're finding your voice. AND you will find that you will no longer take crap. Keep in mind, those who have gotten used to you being the nice, quiet, acdomodating Diedre may try to convince you that you're off base - don't listen. If it doesn't feel right to you, if it is offensive to you, if it oversteps your boundaries - USE THAT VOICE! AND equally important, start teaching your daughter how to find hers! Hugs!

#14 May 14 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

Deidre40

Thank you very very much for

Thank you very very much for this, michele! You know, throughout the past year...dating a narc from last year (which led me to this site initially) and then the one recently...I realized. Dee? You have something to change about yourself. There is something about YOU and your behaviors that attract people who feel they 'CAN' abuse you. Who want to abuse you. Who want to poke at you, and see you react. With the first guy from last year, I wasn't quite ready to make the connection to my culpability. But, after this last one. It was so painful...to go through another narc breakup...that I had to start looking at what I was doing wrong. Maybe 'wrong' is not the right word, but definitely needed to make some changes. Change is very hard. A lifetime of seeking validation from men, since my parents' deaths. Largely due to the verbal abuse and self esteem slaughtering of my ex BIL. A sister that stood by and watched. I felt triggered today, lurking on that website, even but for a minute...watching people who claim to be my ''pal,'' sitting back and watching that jerk post things to 'get' to me. I won't break NC though. Not for him. Not for anyone. NC has a new meaning for me. It's about empowerment, and setting myself free from being enslaved to anything or anyone that wants to tear me down. If it doesn't add value to my life, I must forsake it. And NC gives me my power back. By lurking on that site today, and feeling for a split second angry over what that jerk was writing...I caught myself and said...Dee...breaking NC will only bring him pleasure. And will bring you pain. We have to keep telling ourselves this. For me...I never have the desire to initiate with this guy. But, I have reacted or responded to some things he has said and done. From indirect comments on that site, to outright phone calls. But, this time. He is not going to get a reaction from me any longer. He will no longer control me. I am stronger. And wiser. And see through him. THAT is a great feeling, to see what a narc is doing...and see it for the control game it is. Him posting about ''fucking'' other women, was not only probably a lie (he commented on his busy work schedule so not sure when he'd have the time lol) but MOREOVER designed to trigger me, to control me, to get me to log in and reply. It's probably killing him that I'm not logging in. I know him. I know his games. And for me...I'm done with games. I want a normal life, with normal people who love me in it. Yes, we all have to encounter jerks here and there...but, to allow yourself to be used by one, is a different story. Thanks for listening...here's to NC! And staying strong. And feeling a bit more liberated every day! I encourage you to stand up to the person who hurts you or might have hurt you in your childhood. Not to bring up old hurts, but if that person still insists on being a jerk to you? Stand up for yourself! Only then will we grow stronger, and michele...you are so right. My sister is probably stunned out of her mind, that I stood up to her yesterday. She's used to me backing down...apologizing and agreeing with her that I've behaved badly. Fuck that! I'm done agreeing with people that accuse me of false things. Done! Thanks for listening everyone!

#15 May 14 - 8AM

kgirl

I'm so proud of you

I'm so proud of you Deidre!!! You are NOBODY'S emotional punching bag and I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself. You are empowered and have come so far! I'm sorry for your hurt though....you're right in that it sucks you don't have a sister who is a loving part of your family. But you're doing the right thing and you have your beautiful children who are your loving family and will carry on those traits with you as their mother :) Way to go on Day 6.....I'm so so so proud of you!!! XoXo ~KG

#16 May 14 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

Deidre40

thank you dear KG! And back

thank you dear KG! And back at ya! You have been such an inspiration, I can't even begin to tell you!! {{{hugs}}}

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