had another bad crash, yes, second one, unreal

Have a concussion and bruised back (fell off again on vacation) which is bad but i could have been killed. Texted Narc I was in ER, again. he ignored first text but when I texted again that I was going for CT scan and back xray, he called - guess he knows the brain is serious.
We talked again when I was released. He is so awful, really, laughed when I said I would give him a chance to be sincere since he seemed so in love in June - what an ass I was, he was like, um, "I'll think about it and lets just stay in contact." That means " I am back here having fun, forgot all about the fake love night with you back home and I don't really want to stop having fun to see you but why don't you just stay on the shelf, just in case". I was so horrified, His ego is so huge that he laughed, like "you may give me, the king, another chance?". i think my last rays of denial finally broke, he is really a low life sleazy guy screwing bar ladies and trying to squeeze last little bit of fame out of his career which ended 15 years ago...this is a 55 year old guy with no money, values or stability to offer (he is emotionally stable, I mean life style).
My plane flying home got delayed and rerouted through his city. although the lay over was short, he did not even care enough to say hello. I am struggling with the concussion and having small business problems upon return - and too bashed up to work and Narc treating me like crap. I don't really care anymore - I think its just habit to reach out in crisis. i can't move anytime soon even though I dislike it here because now I am in bad shape and my business needs me here...bummed and trapped.
My triple ex-BF is being very nice to me. We are not messing around, just friends and I really need some support now. I know he regrets our break up from 16 or so years ago.
I think I am on the final round of totally giving up all hope on my Narc back East. he is not even checking on me and I am alone and dizzy from concussion...three of my best friends have left this city permanently this summer - I have way more friends at my other home but cannot earn a living there...my money is funny too this summer... things are not good, but thankful to be alive. I am not really hurting about the Narc ignoring me as much as ashamed of my relapse (pretending he is not disordered and allowing him to disrespect me again). I am just miserable now but no longer heart broken, more deep disgust and slow painful acceptance that my life has changed forever...too hurt to do my sport again so no real outlet and cannot be on computer much or head will not heal - just have to rest which I hate doing...
I am a big mess right now but still better than last winter - thanks everyone...

Done sourcing's picture

You said "and too bashed up to work and Narc treating me like crap. I don't really care anymore - I think its just habit to reach out in crisis."---I have discovered it is me treating myself like crap when I make contact with the narc. Knowing what they are and still reaching out is a form of insanity. NC stops the insanity. ds
ifinallygotit's picture

I was just doing a little better letting go before June fake love visit...but really this is not the type of person I even want to associate with - just final pitiful fish flopping end of a an addiction and unhealthy love - all my other friends are fairly normal. beng alone and injured makes me so depressed and vulnerable...
Done sourcing's picture

sums it up, we all identify with that. It is what it is , and what it is sucks from time to time. I am so grateful we have this site and each other to bounce stuff off of. This site doesn't prove misery loves company, instead it valdiates our hope that we can get through this to the other side whole and complete. So many times lately I catch myself thinking of the old crap and hurts, and tell myself to think of something else and then I do. That didn't happen 9 months ago. I felt stuck and lost. I wasn't stuck or lost, I just constantly felt that way. Now I feel so close to settled and recovered, and it feels good and it is becoming a normal feeling and mood. I am handling today's problems today, and spending little time or energy in the past. She is becoming dead to me, and that is good. Keep posting and keep helping others. ds
onwithmylife's picture

I feel for you, as I was so like you, to always call him, even when he could not care less if i was dead or alive, your first instinct was to reach out to him in your time of crisis BUT for you OWN well being you are going to have to reprocess your thinking and tough as it is to go it alone, or with the support of your friends, you will need to work on that, so you don not remain stuck in thinking he cares for you. These men do NOT have the capability to care for anyone,and they hate even themselves. In your mind you will need to destroy the fantasy of him being a normal, caring man and ,as a woman alone and older, i know how tough it is, but you have only life to live and please do not spend the rest of it pining over a man who is a narcissist.Try to see if there is someway to make the move to a place you would be happier in and have more friends, it may be vital to your healing process.