Guilty feelings about being the OW

My exN is an expert at timing. He is incapable of being alone, so he always had a backup ready and willing when his current marriage/relationship was on the outs. That backup was me. I've been both the OW and the current woman (CW) with him. Throughout our history together, my part goes something like this: OW/CW/OW/CW. This last D&D, he replaced me with another OW to start the cycle over again. I too, believed all those horrific lies that he told me about his ex's. That they were crazy, never happy, cheated on him, changed into a different person, etc. So damn textbook!!! I contacted one of his ex'es and she was gracious enough to be open to speaking with me. It was truly a humbling experience.

...almost exact same lies were told to me. I am single but not interested in married men. Told him so. He pursued me relentlessly for six months. I caved. I, too, believed the horrible things he said about his ex and also thought she was crazy. She would send me crazy threatening e-mails and send crazy letters to all sorts of people. I now understand her in ways I wish I did not. What's most interesting, as you point out to the others, is that when they split up, the GAMES really began! I didn't know it at the time but in hindsight I see that he NEEDED that TRIANGULATION (thanks gettin better). Without it things went from bad to worse. By then I was so far in it and my ego was involved I crazily felt I would do "anything" to make it work. I had invested so much in the ILLUSION!! YUCK! At six months one week NC I am realizing that his brutal D & D and disappearing act was the BEST THING that's happened to me in the six years of hell I endured with him...how's that for sad? Whatever. NO MORE. Hugs to you, sara. You are doing remarkable and I am so proud of you! Love, spinning (just a little from anger but still determined to STOP)

Mine told me the typical story of a passionless marriage, then cranked it up a notch because I was resisting having an affair and one night his wife "left him for another man". The same passionless wife who hated sex? I thought, well maybe she just hated him? Didn't think too hard on it, though, I was too under his spell. The OW I found who emailed him was told that he & his wife were best friends and he'd never leave her. Then told the same story about her leaving him. His stories about the state of his marriage got more and more convoluted. When he was out of town (nearly all the time) it was easy to believe him but when he was home and he'd not call or text and use his "promise to his kids" not to be on the phone when they were around as an excuse, I started to question things. No one spends that damn much time with their kids! I'd try to talk to him about it and he say he didn't want me to get in the middle or be the ow! But, that's exactly what I, along with the others, was. I don't feel guilty about emailing his wife. I was factual, sent her the evidence and told her I thought she would like to know and I'm sorry for being so blunt and that one of the pictures was so graphic but perhaps she needed to see it. I can't even begin to imagine what that was like for her. I have to think after 16 years of marriage to him, and with his traveling all the time, she had to have a clue about him. Once he let slip that she'd threatened to take his kids from him before "if he didn't do what she wanted" which probably meant she caught him cheating. His last text to me was threatening because I "cost him his kids." That makes me sad for the kids but his actions were putting them in danger. The whole situation is heartbreaking and I'm sorry that I was a part of it, that I fell for his lies. But, I'm not sorry for emailing the wife.

I was also the OW. My exN was married with a child when we got together. He was married for 12 years, and didn't give it a second thought when he D&D'd his wife for me. He wasn't very good at keeping it a secret, and she quickly found out. She threw him out of the house and he had to move in with a friend. I heard the whole deal about how they were so distant and cold, he was never really happy with her, etc. And that I was the opposite, and what he wanted. This was my first red flag- if he could D&D her and cheat on her, he will probably do this to me. Her suffering about him leaving her didn't phase him at all. He had no empathy for her situation and would get mad that she would even show this anger/sadness/confusion to him when he was there to pick up his child. She hated me. She called me names, she smeared my name around their country club and told everyone he cheated on her. Her justification for the situation, although I think she should've kept their private business private. I don't blame her though for being so upset. The best thing she ever did was join a divorce support group. She turned into a different person there. I think she learned to let the anger go. She also met someone in the group that she is still dating. When the exN and I broke up, at first she was furious, because I was a part of their daughter's life and she was very attached to me. Afterwards though, the exwife was happy. I don't blame her for that either. I never met her, and I'm glad I didn't. She would get mad if I was in the car when exN dropped their child off. The environment was still too hostile for a meeting. I am a good person and felt extremely guilty about the situation through the whole ordeal. I made it clear at the beginning that no one was leaving their marriage for me. If he felt he had to leave her, it was a decision that he had to make whether I was in the picture or not. But the reality is, he did leave her for me. I was the new supply. I feel better knowing the exWife is doing good, she is taking in 60% of the exN's salary for alimony and child support. she is thriving with a new boyfriend, she kept the house, she has the car, she has the money. The exN is the one suffering now. He has no money (even while being an attorney, all his money goes to her for alimony), no gf (he dumped me), no best friend to live with (they had a huge falling out after I moved out). He CANNOT be alone, so he's spending his free evenings with a friend of his, who used to date his best friend. She will probably become the new supply.

yes I was an OW for two years. However, I was also the first person in ten years to actually believe the wife when she told me what he was really like.... So now the ex-wife and I are good friends and I endeavour to educate her on this and try and get her back to the wonderful human being that she was before she met him.... Ex-wife and I have agreed that our narc has excellent tastes in women ( LOL) and that we are grateful to the N that we now have one another..... On that front, not such an unhappy ending... Dx

sara, what you said about the wife, as i am the wife, was so touching, i believe he lied to you, told you she was crazy, i bet she was crazy because of all the cruel things he did too her. as im now crazy, luckily i dont booze and smoke to hide the pain, i just cry all the time. unlike you, my hN's ow, was mean and cruel to me, called my house, came here, followed me into stores, laughed in my face, and pushed me so far, i finally threw him out...but the pain only got worse, because he ended up living with her, they broke up, he moved out, i felt better, they got back together, now live together again, i feel worse. you get it, but unlike you, this woman doesnt feel remorse or guilt for what she has done, she gloats, talks about me laughs about me and makes sure she drags him all over town and tells everyone in town she lives with him, and blatantly tells everyone they have been a couple for three years, doesnt care that people know hes still my husband, and still lived with me up until last year......if only she were like you, someone with a kind heart who was sadly played and sorry for hurting another human being, someone who is so kind they would wish to be able to fix the hurt the xwife is feeling, there are not to many women like you out there, most dont care, my hN's especially, she feeds off my pain, it give her power and makes her all the more confident, but the difference is, i think hes in it for life with her and she knows it. she doesnt have an ounce of insecurity with him, and to be honest, i truly in my heart of hearts believe he will change for her. i truly believe that. as for you, im so so sorry you are hurting, but you are a kind soul, and always here for everyone, be well and remember you are a good person........

He lied to me about his divorce and knew I would never even continue speaking to him if he was still married. He agreed with me when I told him I hated cheating and liars - both of which he was - and he smiled and nodded! It is commone to feel guilty when you realize the part you played, but I don't sometimes understand WHY the wife won't communicate . EXN's wife wouldn't even confirm we they were married. idk!! just keep working to heal and move forward ;)

Whether you are the exG or the OW, whether you feel guilty because you were the OW, or angry because you are the exG, all of you have been wronged, not by each other, but by the Ns who feel no remorse whatsoever. Guilt and anger are very human and understandable emotions but you don't need to feel guilty, because you were deceived and manipulated and you don't need to feel angry or jealous about the OW because she is just another victim - no one gets to live happily ever after with the N, whatever it may look like from the outside....and he is the most miserable of all. We need to thank our lucky stars that we are out of it now and look forward to guilt-free, anger-free times. Thanks all of you here for helping me understand this.

I'm not sure the first time if I was . He told me he had broken it off with the woman he has a child with for months before we started dating. But she definitely didn't act like it from her actions. She stirred up alot of shyt in idealization phase. The second time no I wasn't the OW because I dissed him for two years. For two years he never said a thing about her and I wasn't interested in him. He just up and leaves people is what he does. He just up and contacted me and told me he was coming made it seem like he had left her. But her actions say he was either lying or he just dumped her . But was I kmowingly his OW no way never.

I wasn't, but I feel for all here that were. Not only were you duped, conned, and brainwashed....but you have an extra dose of "guilt" hanging over you. You didn't set out to hurt anyone, he told you lies and charmed his way into your life. That lies on him, not you. Forgive yourself. xoxo

I always asked the ex-Psych prof if he had someone... after all, one of his fellow professors was an ex-boyfriend who had been cruelly D&D'd. The ex-P would give me the silent treatment when I'd ask (I dated openly, he'd complain to his students about it during class, he was NEVER my *official* boyfriend, we never dated)... and I'd say "You're acting guilty." His theory about "Shakespeare in Love" was that the Bard's wife knew that her hubby was sleeping around.. and was OK with it. My theory now is that the ex-P's girlfriend was fine with him having an emotional affair with me, and she was in LA at the time. Of course, when I met the girlfriend (and she&I had a pleasant conversation, he ran away, physically abandoning her in front of his colleagues)... I was angry at HIM, NOT at her. NOT what was in his game plan. To complicate things, the ex-P's girlfriend was rumored to be a lesbian. Maybe the ex-P expected me to be part of a threesome or be his girlfriend's woman(??) He'd accuse me of being a lesbian... as if he saw a narcissistic lesbian as his Ideal Mate.