grief is grief is grief.....

Ok, as you all know (and are probably tired of hearing about) my husband passed away 2.5 years ago, and I also have an autistic 10yo son. After my N found his OW and deserted me, I hadn't cried so much since my dear husband passed.

But here's the thing that I have learned. 18mos after our son was born, I knew there was something different about him. My husband was in denial, and it took longer for him to accept. I, on the other hand, wanted to get to the bottom of it quickly, and get him the help he needed. I was in grief for the little fella that I yearned for him to be. It wasn't happening. I couldn't get around it....I had to walk through it. I had NO CHOICE but to accept it and do the work I needed to do for him, myself and my family.

7 years after that, my husband passed suddenly, no warning, nothing. Here one day, gone the next. I spent 7 months on the couch with siblings taking turns to stay with me and help with my kids. Thankfully I had great support from friends and family (and still do) who intervened for me. But here I went again....having to accept something that killed me inside. The man that meant everything to me, the father of my kids, was gone in a second. I walked AROUND it for months....not wanting to feel it, not wanting to accept it. But I couldn't do that for long. It was not healing. I was walking around it, I wasn't walking through it. I couldn't think of him without hurting. So I tried not to. It was during this time I met the N.

The N was a divergence for me. He kept me from thinking about my husband and my loss. He kept me walking AROUND it....then HE disappeared on me. I don't think I grieved properly for my husband. It hurt too much. I am consumed and obsessed with the N and this keeps my grief for my husband at bay. That is where I'm stuck. My grief for the N is keeping my extraordinary grief for my H away.

My point here is that we all have grief. Losing a child to autism or otherwise, losing a spouse, or a family member, losing the Idealized Narc, is ALL grief. We CANNOT walk around it. We HAVE TO walk through it. There is no other way for recovery. It has to hurt. We have to feel it to heal it.

So for all of us hear in the recovery process, we have to feel the pain. We need to feel it and accept it. We need to cry. We need to reach out and depend on others for strength.

We NEED to walk THROUGH it.

Love to all of you,
Veronrose