Gracelessheart's Story..

I've been "dating" my N for a little over a year. But that includes 3 months in the middle when he was silent. I met him on a social site. After only a couple of weeks he told me I should change my relationship status. I now know that was a red flag. I fell for him so quickly.. It's pathetic. He's so incredibly good looking and charming. He's very driven and has big plans. He loved that I swooned over him. He never gave me very much attention. Never complimented my appearance, I recall him saying "Hi, pretty" a couple times in the beginning, but that's it. If he complimented me, it was about my intelligence or devotion to him. He never calls me by name, always "babygirl" which seems to be a cliche with Ns by what I've read here. About 4 months of dating he started to D&D me, not talking as much, stopped calling me babygirl.. Etc. Then (by email) he told me that -he didnt have time for me. I required too much attention. It just wasn't going to work.. At least not right now.- I was devastated! Cried and cried. I had just gotten to the point to where I stopped looking at his company's page everyday when he replied to an email I had sent him a week earlier. Yes, I still emailed him regularly. Pathetic. We immediately went back to normal after 13 weeks of complete silence. We made a plan to visit (we are long distance), but this time when I got to city he lived in, he told me he was very sick and wouldn't be seeing me. I was very suspicious, so while still in his city, I ran a background search on him and found out that he's married. Married! I threw up. I emailed him and told him how hurt I was and I couldn't believe I was so insignificant that he couldn't even be honest with me. He emailed back and said I wasn't insignificant and we would talk about it in a few days. I ignored him for 2 weeks.. He didnt care. I was the one who went back, even though he's married. We've been back to normal for 4 months or so and I think he's D&Ding me again. I went a whole day without talking to him 2 days ago and I got an email that said "now your silence is deafening".. I've emailed him numerous times since, and I've got silence. He's punishing me because he had to email me first. He does the ST it's his favorite thing to do, he knows it makes me sick. I tried to break up with him a month ago and I literally broke out in hives. When I read the NPD traits I was "oh! That's him" but now I'm not sure. He may be completely normal with his wife. Who knows.. I know he's a bad man. He has openly called himself a "sensual sadist". I know I'm horrible for staying after I found out about his wife (and 2 other kids I didn't know about). I have to find the strength to move past this. It's effecting my life, my job, school etc.. I feel numb. He's draining the life from me. But as soon as he gives me a little attention or a mere "goodmorning babygirl" I'm back to eating from his hand. I don't know if I can shake the addiction. He's almost 10 years older than me. I constantly walk on eggshells and wait and wait for any little crumb he will give me. That's why I'm here. I'm on day one of NC. I'm so thankful for this site and all of you. I would still be completely lost and trying to understand what in the world was happening to me.