Goodbye and Good Riddance

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#1 Jan 15 - 1PM
Fearless's picture

Goodbye and Good Riddance

To “HIM”
I am writing to you to tell you how badly you have hurt me. I gave you everything I knew how to give.
I loved you more than anyone I have or ever will love and you just used the ever loving crap out of me.
I can honestly say I have never been so shocked and distraught by someone’s actions like the injustices you have placed against me. This was the worse traumatic experience I had ever received. Because I know you will just eat up all of this to boost your ego, even if it is negative attention, it makes me sick to tell you all of this. I am hoping one day you find your conscience and some of what I am telling you might actually get inside your heart and mind. My intentions are that I hope I can get you to eventually feel remorse and take ownership of it as you should; like most normal, healthy people would do on their own. Most people generally recognize when they do something so horribly wrong with the exception of thugs and crooks. Even some of these types of people usually come around to see their errors.
You lied to me hundreds of times and when I would call you out on it, you tried to turn it around on me and make me feel bad for it. YOU DID LIE INTENTIONALLY AND QUITE CONSCIOUSLY. This was and is very, very wrong on your part and shows the true you. Lying to me was just one of the most hurtful things you did. Lying about loving me was just cruel. I know now that you never did love me. You are incapable of that emotion, that feeling. You used me to feed your need for attention, adoration, and sexual conquest. All of these selfish reasons were solely for your benefit without any regard for my feelings what so ever. You knew this the entire time and all the times you would say the words, I love you, were just to make sure you still had me hooked so I would continue to adore you and provide you with attention you needed to feed your ego, your false self. You don’t really have a true identity or at least not one you want anyone to see. You only portray an identity that makes you appear good in others eyes, one that people admire.
This is why you stayed married to your wife for so long. A person who has a long lasting marriage appears to be someone who is devoted, truly committed and looked up to; admired. We both know that your marriage was a sham. There were a lot of people who may have been fooled but soon that will be exposed to all of them. You were a police officer, a law enforcement officer. Most people view this type of job as one that is respected, and you hid behind your uniform for that purpose; another mask of yours. You were for many years a deacon at the church. This is a position within the church community or any area of the community that tells people, he must be very trustworthy person who’s good and pure. This most likely is your most deceptive mask of all. The fact you used this to deceive people into believing you were a “good guy” is just one example of the dark heart and sick mind you have.
You will never understand or appreciate the honesty or true love and devotion I had for you. When I told you that I loved you it was with all of my heart, sincere and genuine…it was real feelings of love. The way in which you devalued me and discarded me Thanksgiving night was equal to murder. This is proof that the times you said “I love you” were only words. I am a human being with REAL emotions, REAL feelings, and you treated me with such total disregard that life in prison or even the death penalty wouldn’t suffice punishment for your actions.
These statements probably will have no effect on you because you truly are incapable of empathy. You don’t know how to feel for anyone or express to them you care for their feelings or any pain they may be experiencing. You fake it well but only to benefit yourself…you act and say the right things that you have practiced over and over to get women to stay committed to you. You were good at it but I wish I had really trusted my own feelings and gut instincts all the times I suspected you were being fraudulent. The only one you can come remotely close to “caring” about is yourself. Even this feeling for your self isn’t a normal healthy real feeling of “care” or “love”. It’s really a means to make sure you get what you want, do what pleases you.
You hurt people and you truly shouldn’t be allowed to be in a relationship with anyone. You raped my soul, you stole my heart and mind, and you robbed me of my health and precious time. You killed my spirit and confidence and abused and took advantage of my generosity, kindness and my trust in you. You essentially killed me and the most horrific part is you don’t even recognize nor will you admit or own up to any of your wrong doings. You are a sick person and no better than the thugs you have locked up. You can’t even appreciate the many sacrifices I made and the boundaries I let down to accommodate your wishes all for the sake of bringing you joy and creating happiness for you. I take full credit for these sacrifices because I did them out of love for you. I wanted to do these things, I’m just saying it meant nothing to you that I did them except you had your needs met.
If you were a real person with real feelings that you swore and promised me you were then I wouldn’t have had to suffer as I did. I would still be in a wonderful relationship with this incredible guy I was so madly in love with and wanted more than anything to spend the rest of my life with. You were someone I respected and valued; I would have done anything for you. I would still be with the one who loves me dearly, thinks the world of me, believes we were put on earth to be together, and promised he would never leave me. That person doesn’t exist, he was just a fraud, a phony; the same fraudulent person who repeats this same horrible act over and over on other unsuspecting foolish women. The part of you that makes me sick to my stomach to ever believe I fell for. It makes me sick to believe a person could be so cruel and self-absorbed.
Because of the genuine feelings of love I had for you I now truly feel sorry for you and wish you could get help but I know that as sick as you are and anyone who would cause this type of pain on someone cannot be cured. You have a dark heart and I pity you. It’s very hard and incredibly painful for me to accept this but it is the truth. I have prayed and wished so many nights that it wasn’t true, that the “MAN” I thought I knew really did exist and he would be coming back for me and everything would be just fine. The love of my life that shared an incredible shooting star that one night and had me believe it was most certainly a sign of what we were meant to be…a beautiful, rare and lasting love between two people. All the times spent together taking walks, holding hands and just spending hours talking about nothing really…but the topic didn’t matter because we were talking to each other. All the hours we made love to each other and hearing you tell me you were so grateful for me and would never take me for granted. All of our hopes, dreams, shared images of the life we could have if we were free to show to everyone our wonderful life as one, no longer two separate people. For you, all of this was nothing but lies, deceit, a means to create trust and secure my love for you so you could use me. No love…no truth…just false acts. For me it was my hope, my joy, my last chance for loving someone and being loved. It was true happiness and my future. This causes me tremendous sadness and there is no measuring of the tears I have let roll down my face because of it. It hurts because I gave so much of myself and loved you so sincerely for as long as I did and to find out you didn’t return that love, that you are incapable of doing so. It hurts because you lied. You just put on an act in order to secure my love for you so I would always be there to meet your selfish needs. You have spent your entire life only doing what pleases you even at the expense of others hearts, including mine. What a complete and total fool I have been. You are quite the accomplished actor, I will at least give you that much. It’s no big surprise really … you’ve been doing this all of your life, it should be as easy for you as putting on your socks.
I can’t even begin to tell you how badly you hurt me over the past couple of years by doing the one thing I told you would hurt me more than anything…betray me for another. But oddly enough this deliberate act doesn’t even compare to the pain of knowing you watched me suffer through bad health because of me worrying about you. It is unimaginable that another human being could have so little concern for someone who he is supposedly in love with and cares so deeply about. You watched me scratch my skin until I bled. You knew it was because of my emotional health and my nerves were bad because of you. You knew you were withholding affection from me and keeping the truth from me. You would get angry at me when I would question anything about our relationship. You even had me worried there was something wrong with me, I would tell you to let me know what I did or needed to do and all along you knew it was YOU. YOU were screwing around but keeping me on the side for what? To enjoy seeing my torment, to provide you with free meals, to boost your confidence and self-worth by saying you’re a good person and you are going to be just fine. We will get you all better from your depression and I would be there for you even though you were refusing to provide me with any type of emotional support or show of love and affection. You wouldn’t even say the words at this point. You truly were enjoying the pain you were causing me. This is usually referred to as a sick b..tard! I know that term will have no effect on you either, you will just accept it and use it as more fuel for your ego. At least you are getting some type of attention even if it is bad.
Well, I want you to know that I don’t ever expect an apology or closure like a normal human being would provide. Coming from you, it would be a lie anyway and waste of my time listening to it.
I take back all of the love I had for you. It no longer is yours to have, keep, or remember. I have no respect, admiration or feelings for you at all. I am taking back all of the things you stole from me. My heart, my soul, my spirit, all of the nice things I ever said or did for you. I no longer adore you nor will
I ever adore or admire you ever again. I have taken back myself and my life. I am going to start living again and you have zero hold on me or any of my thoughts from this day forward.
I am giving myself the closure I wanted and needed and do not want or need any reply from you.
As a matter of fact any act of contact towards me will be viewed as a deliberate attempt to harm me and I am telling you in this letter as written notice to stay away. My personal feelings towards you are that of indifference. I don’t feel one way or the other towards you, you are basically nothing. But because I am human and healthy I can express empathy towards others even those who have done the unforgiveable. I will give you only one thing from me…pity.

your lost opportunity for love

Jan 15 - 7PM
walking_on_sunshine's picture

This is soooooo well written.

This is soooooo well written. I'ts truly narcissistic abuse in a perfect description. I'm sorry you know this pain. You sound mighty awesomely aware and strong though.
Jan 15 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Fearless's picture

thank you

I wrote it last night as part of my writing assignment from Lisa's book. It brought out a lot of emotions but the letter that I had to write from him to me, the apology that he should have given me...was far more difficult. I guess because I was trying to write it from his point of view but didn't know which way...the fake him I thought I knew as real or the actual REAL him i know he is. anyway, I did the best i could do and guess the realization that it was his goodbye to me has caused me to mourn my loss of's difficult but necessary I know if I am going to get well. On the bright side I have super clean eyeballs right now. Got to keep our chins up!