gemofagirl's story

Gem's Story

I sat and wrote this while I waited for my membership to be approved......so here goes....

My Story

Like most victims of a narcissist, the man swept me off my feet. I was on a pedestal like never before to a man who gave me the sun, moon and earth. I was a happy, successful and confident person who finally felt as though I had met my soul mate. I was on a cloud that I thought only happened in fairy tales. I loved my complete life.

Like most victims of narcissists, I am a compassionate, giving, nurturing, person who is an incredible listener. My heart went out to him for the life experiences he shared with me. I felt so much love for this man who seemed to be a misunderstood broken bird.

I changed my life for him. I worked with him. I let my own successful business drop off to failure I traveled with him. I let him into my heart and my life. His world became my priority and I neglected my own.

Slowly, things changed but my eyes were clouded to it. In my gut, I knew I was compromising myself, but I swept that feeling under a rug. I broke boundaries because I trusted him. I did things that went against my grain because I didn't not want to let him down. I knew that he lied to me and cheated and I blamed it on myself for "not being there". I accepted his excuses when he told me he "couldn't" do something because I had faith in his words...."I'll make it up to you". There was less and less reward in this for me. I no longer heard how smart I am, I no longer was adored in the same way. He no longer made things happen to be with me. I "wanted" too much., I conveniently missed out on some wonderful doses of amazingness WE COULD have had because I wasn't sitting here waiting for him to beckon me. I began to feel like an insane prostitute.

If I expressed any let down, discontent or anger, I was met with bs. He was very skilled on displacing fault by getting me where he knew I would soften and doubt myself. Games. Faked honesty: "I hate that I let you down" "I wish I could have...but ..(insert excuse)", "I'm an awful person", "It's not my fault", "I miss you".....and most often...some version of twisting up words and facts so I would end up thinking it was all my fault. He never ever took responsibility or was accountable for A N Y T H I N G.

I kept fighting to get back that man who originally swept me off my feet. I began to feel crazed. Did I imagine the love? Did I imagine the closeness, chemistry and connection? What is wrong with me...I feel like an insane, needy hooker. Maybe if I did 'x" things would be different? Maybe I have it all wrong?

I had accused him of being a narcissist several times. Yet the superficial definition of narcissism never fully matched "his symptoms".. The one key symptom that never showed up was rage. I never saw rage. And for that sole reason....I hung in longer than I ever should have. I wanted to believe I was wrong in my diagnosis and the man who put me up on that pedestal would come back again. I lived in denial. I lived in his head trying to make sense of things. I couldn't imagine the feeling "we" had wasn't real. Even now I can't believe it wasn't real.

But it wasn't real. It was a well played illusion.

I can see very clearly now that he IS narcissistic. He is weak minded, frail, insecure and fearful. He needs to be in control, feel superior in every way. He is child-like in his need to be taken care of, his constant need for ego boosting. His frequent panic attacks aren't from "life being crazy" as he believes. They are the result of not being able to handle his weaknesses, his lack of control in situations and fear of being less than superior.

The first time I tried to break away from him, I made the mistake of "fake" no contact. I didn't reach out to him, but yet I didn't block him in anyway. I left the door open for him to pull me through...and of course that is what happened. I went back. I went back without him giving me a single thing other than some meaningless words: "I miss you". By going back....I sent the message "I will accept feeling like a prostitute/doormat". That was 4 months ago.

This time...and before I even came upon this wonderful web site....I did it right. I deleted every single ounce of "him". His emails, his photos. I sold off his expensive gifts on ebay. I blocked him from being able to contact me/see me/reach out to me. I abandoned the SS Narcissistic Titanic. This web site confirms I did the right thing for myself.

It has been 23 days since my eyes became wide open to reality. I know I am on the right path, because each time I have the urge to try to get him to see the narcissistic light through a note....I stop addressing it to him and address it to myself. I do this because I remember the following:

Therapists and psychiatrists have documented that narcissism is virtually incurable. Nothing 'you' can do or say is going to make any difference to them. Not even that one last "something I need to say". They will never grasp it or absorb it. They are not capable of seeing the truth about themselves. "This" is not about you. As with everything else....the entirety of this relationship was about them. "You" could have been anyone at all and you can not allow yourself to take it personally.

I have made a pact with myself, because a 10 year relationship can not just be neatly wrapped up in 23 days. I am human, after all.

My pact is this:

1, If I need to get something off my chest or clarity, I give myself permission to do it in an email. But I will only send it to myself. I realize that by sending it to him I give him the opportunity, attention and ego boosting to have his narcissistic supply met.
2. I will go with grace and never ever give him the ability to say I was a bitch or crazy or whatever else pumps his superior ego up. I accept that I will never ever hear any truths from him. He is not capable of this. His words mean nothing.
3. Every single day, I will do something that makes ME feel good. And I have a long menu of things I let go of. It's time to re-explore each and every one of them.
4. I will never regret the 10 years I spent on "him", and I will not be bitter about it. I went through it for a reason and I have learned that hardships can breed rewarding life experiences if you let yourself be open to possibilities.

I am in recovery. I can see now how much "work" he required. How draining he was. How much of myself I gave him. My new found freedom from him feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. And what is left will be very wonderful if I stay present in my own life.

And here I am.........

(I might also mention that I have an overwhelming urge to scrub myself from head to toe with a steel wool pad because I feel so dirty for having been with him.)