Garden's Story

My boyfriend and I had become like brother and sister. During that time I was a member of an online group forum. It was not a dating site. Very innocent site about animals. I was new to the online world and computers. I made up a fake profile because I thought everyone did that. There was another member on there that began talking to me every day. His profile said he was separated. We chatted for months. I looked forward to his emails. I began to have feelings for him even though I had never met him. He brightened my day. "You've Got Mail" was an adrenaline high. I was careful though. I knew the dangers of online personas. He always put all my fears to rest. After months I finally gave him my phone number. He called everyday. More months went by. I moved out from my BF. I owned a house. The narc wanted to meet me.
The narc was not separated. His wife lived in another country and he would go back and forth. He once sent me a nude photo, which I passed off as nothing. He was sending these photos to many women. He told me this when he arrived here. He told me all the "truth" because he knew I'd find out. But his version of the truth was so believable. He learned from all his cheating on his wife. He told me downright dirty things he did while cheating. But, he said he had changed. He didn't love his wife. She yelled a lot and was obese. He loved me, so it would be different, but he wanted me to be aware of his past.
He abandoned his wife and children. I knew that later. Again, excuses. But I had become blind. I loved him you see and wanted to believe all these wonderful feelings he gave me. I never felt like this before. So loved. Even my disability was understood by him. In fact, he proposed during a very difficult time in my life, proving that he would stay by my side through thick and thin. I protected him from his bad wife. I defended him. She was just so awful. No wonder he wanted to get far away from her. Oh, she tried to warn me, but she loved him too and I thought that if she still loved him that he had value. I should love him too.
I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. I gave everything I had. I wondered why he needed so much attention, why he felt slighted at any perceived criticism, why he acted fake. But I quickly passed these things off too, trying to accommodate him, change myself for him, whatever he wanted and needed.
We got married after his divorce. He cheated 3 days later. He couldn't hold a job. He treated his daughter like a wife and made triangles everywhere. I tried to figure out what was wrong with him so I could fix it and get back that wonderful man I loved. I spent years trying. Every therapy, meeting, ...everything. Nothing worked. I was always scratching my head trying to figure it out. And the lies.
Then he began to rage for no reason. He spent more time away and would come home and say he had dinner elsewhere. He worked as a carpenter and fooled around with all the wives in their homes while the husbands were at work. When I confronted the husbands, he would tell them I'm crazy. I'm having a nervous breakdown. He manipulated every therapist but one who said he was a sex addict and would never change. "Get a divorce." He hated that man! He lied to pastors and priests. Found god, but what he really found was a place of infinite supply. The women loved him. He was so charming. During all of this he sometimes would be cruel and uncaring, then turn back into Mr Wonderful, which kept my hopes up. Besides, I was embarrassed to get a divorce 3 days after my wedding, although I kept the papers in my bed stand.
He started to ignore me more and more. I was very lonely. I stopped doing things for him. I tried to join a gym and get my self esteem back. He made fun of that. He laughed at me. I was falling apart. He closed me out of his life, where he went and who he was with, all along mixing kindness with cruelty and neglect. The triangles were everywhere. Me against someone, always. He loved that. It was his favorite game.
End of story...I was out of work on an injury which gave me lots of time to think. I told him one night how I couldn't forget the cheating and how badly it hurt me. He smirked. I questioned that. How could he smile when my heart was breaking? He smirked again. I warned him. Then I hit him square in the face. I shocked myself with that, but I now see that was the healthy part of me saying "NO MORE!"
The next day he started a fight and got violent. I called the police and they told him to leave for the night. He left alright. He left the country. He emptied our accounts first. He left things I gave him through the years behind, so I knew it was all planned in advance. The smirk, the fight, the discard. I was dealing with a stranger. I didn't know who this was and where did that guy who loved me go?
Two weeks later he wanted to come back. I divorced him right away.I was broke, broken, lost, confused. When I called for some of the money back crying...he laughed. btw...He concocted a story he would tell his family and kids and exwife, all lies. They believed him. They called to yell at me too. I was the evil one and still am. He claimed it was too hard living with my disability, the same one that endeared him to me. I conned him. I created a fantasy and he fell for my lies. His exwife wrote about it online. Didn't mention my name or his but it made me feel so bad anyway. How could she believe him after he did the same thing to her?
I went NC for almost a year until a letter found it's way to me about how much he loved and missed me, begging me to please please contact him. He needed me. I phoned and he treated me like garbage. He said that was how he was feeling THEN. Not TODAY!
I kept struggling. I was a mess in every way. Got help through an abused women's shelter. Got therapy. I can't tell you how I survived that first year. I was in hell. I struggled with NC. I saw I was addicted to him. If he would only bring the love of my life back, I would be ok. But that man never existed. The whole thing was a lie. I was conned.He was a heavy drinker now and into weird porn. I never knew that and he was my husband!
I finally have a place of my own again. I have new friends. I have not dated. I don't trust men. I'm making myself happy. He hoovered his first wife again then was smitten by a new victim, half my age. They are planning their wedding. She has a kid. He hates kids because they take attention away from him.
I found this site when entering his symptoms into the search bar. What a relief. It made sense. I read here for a long time.
I still struggle with NC and CD but I'm slowly getting better. I have PTSD and lots of fears. The addiction to him is like nothing I've ever known. I'm working on myself and why this happened. I stand up for myself now. I have some peace. But I still need your help.
BTW, the new OW has same disability. Coincidence?
I am getting stronger than I ever thought I could be. With every baby step I am living again. I was homeless, broken..I was like a bad movie of the week. There is so much more. Terrible things, but that's enough right now. It took a lot for me to write this. Thanks for reading. I'm an educated woman and was very independent before him. This could happen to anyone. I believe that.