games are only fun for the person winning.
games are only fun for the person winning.
Three years ago I met the handsomest, most charming guy on campus. We hit it off immediately, the 7year age gap not being a problem in my eyes. a
At the time, he explained how he was in the midst of breaking up with his girlfriend. it was messy, and he portrayed her as being insecure and a "psychobitch".
That should have been my first cue. But he made as if he was the victim; he was trying and trying to make ammends, and me,being me, encouraged it, and offered my shoulder and ears. He confided in me about "everything" (everything from his, twisted, point of view.) he was married previously, at the tender age of 21, but it didnt last long. Obviously, it was "her fault".
we became extremely close. he'd call me everyday, come home all the time, we'd go out together. then one day, an old friend called me and told me to becareful of this guy because he used to hit his ex-wife and hes quite sketchy. i kept it a secret, never told him i knew, and somehow managed to continue being his friend. somehow.
im an avid supporter of non-violence against women and children, and it bothered me tremendously, but somehow, i excused it, thinking he'd never do that to me.
and over the next year of spending almost every day with him, managed to fall in love with him. he was my everything. every second. every sentence.
nothing had ever happened between us. id never touch another womans man. eventually the breakup was solidified and he moved on. sleeping around, until all of a sudden, he came home one weekend and said he was engaged. to this girl he met at a wedding. i thought it quite shocking, but went along with it. eventually that too ended. ofcourse it was "her fault". its only now that i truly understand what those poor girl went through.
finally this year, when he came back from his holiday, he was single..and i knew this was my chance, if ever there was going to be one. i confessed my feelings and it all went downhill from there. he said we could try but i had to keep it a secret because of the religious difference between us, and if word ever got back to his parents, thered be huge trouble that he couldnt deal with (final year of study). ofcourse, another lie i believed and honoured, because i would have done anythign to keep him happy and just be with him. it became a rollercoaster of lies, verbal and emotional abuse from there. he was always right. about everything. or so he thought. and when id contradict him, it was like a blow to his ego that he couldnt handle and hed insist and tell me that i "dont listen." i was "stubborn", "immature", and "experienced". im 20 years old. i had just turned 18 when i met him. ofcourse i was inexperienced. he was all the experience id ever had. my first everything. it was weird, he stopped coming home, didnt call me or anything after we started "dating". i actually cant even call it that, because he never took me out on dates. he never held my hand in public, he never told me he loved me. said he'd been too hurt in previous relationships, and it would take time. all it was really, was him hiding me in his apartment, we'd watch tv,be intimate, id cook&clean, and then leave. and to the world we were just friends. it was like the rs never even existed. and when id ask him to go out, hed say i was too demanding, and didnt i enjoy just spending time with him. i did. i loved it, because somewhere in my mind i knew that he was only mine behind closed doors. but i also wanted to be acknowledged, because i knew if the world thought he was single, it would give him lee-way to cheat.
i did everything for him. grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, printing notes, borrowing library books, and i lov3ed every minute of it, because i thought if i could show him how efficient and domesticated i was, to compliment the fun side he saw when we were just "friends", he would finally let me in and see that i was worth treating nicely. what i failed to see, was that i needed to believe that i was worth treating nicely.
he ad pushed me away completely. talked to me only when he felt like it, or wanted something from me. eventually it became too much. i told him, after 6months, that i loved him,but i wasnt happy. we had the most amazing day that day. he was amazing. open and"honest" about how he didnt know what to do because he reallly likes me, but the women before ruined him and he's blocked his heart off and incapable of loving. and the person that he will love will have to break that ice in his heart down. he had said this to me at the beginning of the relationship, but then i thought it was some kind of challenge.
anyway, i left, and it was on good terms.
but it was only a few days later, when it hit me that the reason i left wasnt just that i wasnt happy, but more that i wanted him to come chasing after me and show me that he didnt want me. a week later he messaged to say he needed to speak to me. i thougght this was my chance, that he was going to profess his love to me. all he said, in his parking lot, mind you, not even the decency to take me up to his apartment, was that he was sorry for how he treated me, but he's been through too much, and he couldnt love, and before i hear it from anyone else, he's already been with other women. i left and never contacted him again. then about a month later, he started messaging me, saying he wanted another chance and he missed me. when i kept refusing, he played the "you obviously didnt love me enough" line. and i was caught. the one thing i could hold my head up high about was how pure my love was. i went back. tried. but nothing had changed. it just got worse.
and then one day i found 2 hair clips on his sideboard, with the pillows from the side that he doesnt sleep on, pulled down. i knew. a stranger had asked me a few days before it id met his new girlfriend. i said "oh, no?" turns out its the same woman he was messing with just after we broke up first time round. when i confronted him, he said i was naive and gullible and i believed everyone else, but i wasnt mature enough to handle a relationship with him.i had caught him lying flat out a few weeks ago again, and when i confronted him about it, he said he couldnt tell me because i was inseecure and i'd freak out.
the silent treatment came after i found the clips and confronted him about that too. eventually it became too much.
i returned his textbooks etc, and ssaid goodbye. and didnt contact him after.
i couldnt break down infront of him again. i couldnt confront him again. i didnt have the energy to listen to his lies about where he was, why he didnt call or even message to wish me for my final exams. why he didnt care. why he spoke to me like an object. why he threatened me. why. i couldnt. why i was a "fool", "insecure", "not wonderful enough", why i should take care of my body like he does his, because my pretty face isnt what counts, why?
he messaged me 2days ago, to tell me he was ignoring me because i was too immature,too needy, and i jumped for nothing instead of coming to talk to him.
yesterday was his birthday. the hardest day ever. i believe u can forgive all faults for someones birthday because its a special. but i didnt wish him. i kept going over in my head what good it would do. i know hes not good for me. i know. im not stupid. but at the same time i am. because even after everything iv said here, im dying for him to call me and tell me he wants me back and hel change and that he loves me.
im proud of myself for not having contact with him. and honestly, staying away does getr easier. but when he messaged, it all just came rushing back.
i wont be seeing him from next year as he'll be working, and im moving cities for 6months. so i know it will get easier, but he has a huge mouth, and i really am worried about the stories he's going to spin off about why him and i arent "friends" anaymore.
theres a part of me that wants to sit down and sort of separate on amicable terms again, but im scared to death that il spiral again.
i lived a nightmare. sometimes i wonder if it was even real. all i knw is im left with very real scars, from a very real monster.