frogman's Story

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#1 Aug 4 - 10PM
frogman
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frogman's Story

I've been happily married to my wife for over 3 decades, but 3 years ago a narcissist came into our lives and turned it upside down. I now believe that my wife was targeted by this man and carefully manipulated by him. He went about this under the initial guise of being a "spiritual guide, teacher and guru". My wife is a genuine seeker and hungers after spiritual growth and enlightenment. She had recently lost a dear friend, an elderly gentleman who had been a TRUE friend and spiritual teacher to both of us. My wife was grieving and probably longing for someone to fill his shoes - the narc stepped right in!

Using all of the classic and cliché techniques (which my wife and I were unfamiliar with at the time) the narc proceeded to lay the groundwork for a relationship that placed him in the role of nothing less than a psychic vampire and my wife as the "seemingly willing" victim under the control of his trance. Their relationship never became physical but it was intense and obsessive just the same. He became the gatekeeper of her self-esteem, the judge of her spiritual growth and understanding, the only person who truly loved her, understood her and wasn't trying to control her. He became her addiction.

Early on something felt "wrong" about this "friendship". My wife has LOTS of friends, even old boyfriends and their wives, which we still see and have a healthy relationship with together. It is not unusual for my wife to meet some of her old friends for lunch and to catch up on their lives, she always tells me about these visits and often invites me to come if I want to. These sorts of open and casual friendships have not been a problem in the past. This one was different.

He started out by asking my wife to write him a letter, identifying all of her goals, her dreams, her fears, insecurities and what she was seeking out of life. With this information he promised to help her achieve these things. Looking back, that letter became the perfect blueprint for manipulating her. It contained all the leverage and hot buttons a Narc could ever hope for. He then played the part; he became the epitome of everything that was positive and desirable in my wife's eyes. Any fears and insecurities became targets; he had plenty of ammunition to attack her tender spots. His life story was FANTASTIC and GRANDIOSE and he sold himself as the one who was capable of understanding her in ways NO ONE ELSE COULD. He presented himself as the remedy for ALL her fears and insecurities and proclaimed to be a Cosmic Soul Mate sent to her by Divine Forces.

Contact between them recently ceased after the Narc pressed her to maintain daily contact and ultimately asked her to make a choice as to which path she would choose.
Long story short.... my wife and I are both trying to heal. We believe we have learned what we are dealing with but our situation is a little different because it wasn't the primary relationship and so my wife is left with trying to go through all the withdrawal symptoms associated with going through a relationship with this narcissist and I'm left with trying to recover from an emotional affair that my wife is not truly responsible for. This relationship caused my wife to have to lie and sneak in order to maintain contact. I struggle with issues of trust and anger. I could go on and on but the fact is we want to move on and we want to be here for each other. Any insights and advise for us in this messy triangle would be welcome.

Aug 5 - 5PM
frogman
frogman's picture

Thank you Spinning & 58 and Going Strong!

Thanks for your encouragement and advice. My wife has also registered on this site. Reading these experiences really helps. It sometimes feels like we're reading our own journals when we read the stories and hear of the emotional roller coaster that others are experiencing. For me it is a confirmation that these personality disorders are real and their effects on their victims are real. Their tactics are quite predictable and the results are demonstrable time and again. It's amazing that their psychological warfare is so effective, even on very intelligent, grounded people with good self esteem and plenty of common sense. Given enough information, and with time to lay the right ground work, it seems that no one is totally immune to their infiltration. I have a hard time not getting angry at those who perpetrate this warped stuff. Uhg! Anyway, thanks again, we'll keep learning.
Aug 5 - 5PM
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

Just my $.02

I'm by no means an expert, but my story is similar. (I was the wife in that triangle) Maybe a perspective from my position will help. If I think back of what my husband and I could've done to save our relationship I would say that first BOTH have to truly want it. Especially your wife since it was she who was sneaking around and you have trust issues with. Once that's established, it's a given that you have to go NO CONTACT with the N. Then you both have to be totally open books with each other. This means telling each other everything...sharing texts, emails, voice mails, computer history. EVERYTHING. This will help rebuild trust. (You can taper off once trust is maintained). You can recreate intimacy by connecting with each other by sharing experiences, thoughts, dreams, maybe creating several short and long term goals that you can work toward together. It's important to not just go on "date nights" but be in the moment with each other -- even if it's just a conversation over coffee, like you were when you were dating. I hope this helps. Like I said I'm no expert, but looking back I think those things would've helped. I'm newly married again... and I feel lucky to have second chance. Even though my husband fully trusts me, my mantra is that I'd never do, say, or act in any way I wouldn't want my spouse to know about. I'm an open book with my spouse forever. I think it's a good policy in any marriage. Take care.
Aug 5 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
frogman
frogman's picture

Thanks for your 2 cents!

Thanks for taking time to share your advice-I need all the help I can get! Would it have helped you to talk about it regularly, to remind yourself that this other person was a narc and not really the fantasy image he perhaps portrayed himself to be? My wife sometimes is plagued by feelings of guilt over ending this harshly or in a rude way, did she judge him unfairly when she is not perfect herself? (these are her words) Thanks so much for your help and insights! All the best to you!
Aug 8 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

Sorry for the late reply. I

Sorry for the late reply. I just read your post. Yes, I think talking with my then husband would've helped, but I didn't know then what I know now. You're way ahead in that you're both aware. Also, don't worry about what the N thinks. If your wife ended it harshly....so what??? If she feels as if the N thinks she was rude....so what??? Who cares what the N thinks anymore???? He is gone! To me this says that your wife may still care what he thinks and she still has some work to do in fully separating. And even if she did judge him unfairly and he wasn't an N (highly unlikely) he was toxic to her and to you and to your marriage. Good riddance! P.S. Of course I can't speak for your wife. This is just my opinion based on my past experiences.
Aug 5 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

frogman, welcome

to our community of outstanding, supportive, wise people. You will find a lot of information here regarding NPD/PD in general and I suggest you and your wife read as much as you can. This story sickens me because it hits close to the bone. I, too, am a seeker of spirituality and enlightenment and the disordered one I was involved with also entered my life as a 'guru, counsellor, cheerleader, advocate.' As it turns out, he mirrored all of my good qualities back at me but not before (like your wife's) picking my brain for my vulnerabilities. Like you and your wife, I did not know what was happening to me until it was way too late. No contact is the first and best step you both can take (and have taken.) Absolutely NONE. Please make sure you wife knows this. Perhaps she could join this board, too? I believe it may help her a lot and would also help you both with trust, open-ness and healing. Frogman, I have no great words of wisdom to impart other than to say getting over being manipulated by a master is no easy task. It takes knowledge, work, a commitment, patience, and more hard work. You and your wife will get there if you want it. You will find help and support here. I am sorry you had to find this community (sorry we all did), but so glad you did. Peace and strength, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE. I REFUSE TO LET A HUNGRY GHOST TAKE ME DOWN.

spinning

Aug 5 - 12AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

So sorry to see what you are

So sorry to see what you are going through. But happy to see you found this site - welcome to healing and peace!