Friggin broke NC again....

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Apr 29 - 12PM

Veronrose

Friggin broke NC again....

Ok, so I broke NC again, on Tuesday night. I was watching ice hockey and I texted him commenting on the game. He texted back right away with "Hey babe!!...", commented on the game and asked how I was. My next text was telling him "I'm so sorry for bothering you. I'm doing ok, I just miss you soooo much!" His response "Oh now, no worries. I miss you too. Where r u?" There was some back and forth of texting, just catching up, but of course this then led into him asking me if I was frisky, telling me I'm very sexy and that I make him hard. He then asked for a picture. I played the sexting game for a while but didn't send any pictures. It ended with us both saying we were going to bed thinking of each other. Why, oh WHY does this belittling behavior make me so friggin HIGH???? I know it's beneath me. I know I deserve more, but I'm starting to feel that the jolt I get from the crumbs he gives me feels SO MUCH better than the pain of NC!!! Oh God. And I thought I was doing so well. Ugh.

But see?? This is PROOF POSITIVE about them and their OW....HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND and is sexting with ME!!! They just LOVE the extracurricular activity that gets them the ego strokes and NS.

The really sad thing is that I should be disgusted with myself, but I'm not. The texting ended Tuesday night and then resumed Weds morning and again Weds night. I think I'm still basking in the afterglow of those interactions, but I'm sure I'm headed for a nasty withdrawal after I come down from this high. He truly is a narc-otic for me.

Thanks for listening you guys.
xoxo ~Veronrose

#2 Apr 30 - 11AM

kgirl

Veronrose....so sorry you are

Veronrose....so sorry you are struggling wit this :( There is much good advice already written here. You can do this....it's time to put the focus on you and what is really best for YOU. I know you know what you need to do.....so I just wanted send you strength and support! a big hug for you! ~KG

#3 Apr 30 - 11AM (Reply to #19)

Veronrose

Awwww, thanks KG! I'm sending

Awwww, thanks KG! I'm sending you strength and support to you too cause I know you're dreding seeing narcette at the recital. :( Hugs right back to you!!! xo V

#4 Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #20)

kgirl

Thanks Veronrose! One hurdle

Thanks Veronrose! One hurdle at a time :) XoXo~KG

#5 Apr 29 - 5PM

findingmeagain

Mines just drops his married

Mines just drops his married woman too. Miss thang thinks she is such hot shyt boy oh boy I can'twait till he starts dogging her. I know thats mean but she knew about me and she talks crap about me behind my back . Which in turn makes him treat me like crap more. She thinks she is better than me because she thinks she "stole" something from me. I can't wait until he pulls off that mask on her behind and she looks like a fool . A bigger one than me because I wouldn't hand out money. Told him that i've got to raise your kids not you ! I know that hurt his little feelings *smile* good !

#6 Apr 29 - 1PM

Deidre40

When you see him as a user,

When you see him as a user, you won't feel tempted to call him anymore. When you no longer need validation from him, you will no longer call him anymore. Until then...you will continue to get high off his crumbs. Please find yourself Veronrose. You are a worthwhile, beautiful woman...who doesn't need his validation of that. Much of NC is about us. Not them at all. It's about healing. It's about a rebirth. Growing, and redefining a new normal for yourself. {{{hugs}}} I'm praying that you don't succomb to this again...it's hard, I know.

#7 Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

Veronrose

Deidre and deecbee

Deirdre - You're post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you! I know he is using me. I guess he never really cared. He just wanted to get me emotionally attached, and get his NS from my adoration. I am going to focus on that....that he's using me and I don't need validation from him, or anyone else. I'm sure it's going to cause major CD but I will get through. You have so much insight and I always love your posts. Dee - You're right...I just can't wait till I DO get there. I want to get ANGRY!!! I want to be able to say "enough is enough" and feel it in my heart. Thanks so much, you guys, for your support. xoxoxo V

#8 Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

Deidre40

{{{hugs}}} I know this is so

{{{hugs}}} I know this is so hard. And know this...THEY USE EVERYONE...EVEN THEIR PARENTS. I'm not joking. My ex used his own mom, called her his secretary. *eye roll* Which she's probably the reason he is the nutbag he is. Sorry, but moms do get the blame. lol Just the way it is. She sounds like a lovely woman, but old school Italian type who dotes on men. That's her only son. Need I say more. He was spoiled...not so much with money, but even his dad gets him out of the messes he gets himself into...and it's like dude, you're gonna be 40 soon. Grow up! So...just know...he is also using the chick he's with. He uses you. He uses anyone who will let him.

#9 Apr 29 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

Even the parents

A year after the final D&D, I remembered reading how the ex-Psych prof's parents moved all the way from New England to New Mexico to raise his twins. This is pretty drastic, since most of his colleagues do the following-(a)the mother goes on the "mommy track" (b)hires a nanny, usually one of the students. "Even his dad gets him out of the messes he gets into, dude, you're gonna be 40 soon"-The ex-P's father sacrificed his professorship&research to raise his son's children. The ex-P was 37 at the time, and didn't marry his girlfriend till after she had given birth. How romantic. The ex-P once told me after the final D&D, "USE ME!!!" I used him as an object of ridicule in the senior skit. He didn't like it. He didn't tell me how he wanted ME to use him. In a literary sense, I've used him. I'd rather be crying from laughing at him than to be crying out of longing for him.

#10 Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

Hunter

D & V

Liars, Users, & Losers (dog Trainer) :) Good God ya'll " What the Fuck was I Thinking"? Hunter

#11 Apr 29 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

deecbee

Agreed. V, you might not

Agreed. V, you might not have gotten to that point yet where you've had enough. Trust me, with each D&D becoming more cold and severe, you'll get there.

#12 Apr 29 - 1PM

SoaperGirl

Strong temptation

I know. I've been tempted several times myself to email - nothing sweet or sexy though - more like "Have ever thought of killing yourself? If not, you should! It would be so much a better world without you in it." No I haven't though. I've been tempted a couple of times...I'll start to send something to zing him, and then go "Nah, I don't need to." and then go onto something else. I just went though through old scrap emails, photos and stuff, not a lot left..one email did kind of get to me where he wrote "I'm 100% committed, to you, to us - there won't be any changing my mind later: (or words to that effect.) Also after an early D&D, he wrote how thinking about me and not hearing from me was making him crazy. Crap! I'm OK. Makes me sad and angry at the same time. Such is the dichotomy of it all, both hating and loving someone, and desperately wanting to get past both emotions. Then I have to remember the OW, and remember they're probably about now nearly done with the honeymoon phase (nearing end of two months)...Will he break up with her in a few months or keep the ruse? How will he change? How soon? What will it be like? Do I even want to know? Most of the time I'm OK, but then I'll still feel the old familiar tugging of my heart strings. Guess it only just goes to show how human I am.

#13 Apr 29 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

Veronrose

"Makes me sad and angry at

"Makes me sad and angry at the same time. Such is the dichotomy of it all, both hating and loving someone, and desperately wanting to get past both emotions." EXACTLY Soapergirl!!!

#14 Apr 29 - 1PM

spinning

VR, every time you

contact him and engage in this you are showing him that it's okay with you to be treated as a sex object only. You show him that you like that and want more of it. That it's perfectly okay with you to be the "sexting girl" while he has a "real GF." I don't mean this to sound brutal but I remember your posts and how this behavior used to make you feel...like sh#t! You say this is better than the "pain of NC" but when he goes silent again you'll be in more pain from allowing him to use you like a kleenex. You'll be kicking your behind all over hell. I know this cause I've done it! Please do what Hunter says. Call someone else. Break free. Thank you for sharing and I hope you don't take offense to this. I've been where you are and again Hunter is right, the longer you stay there, the worse it gets. I know this firsthand. At six months NC I'd never let the disordered a$$hole have access to me even in cyberspace. He doesn't deserve it. Hugs and good vibes for strength to you from spinning (just a little today)

spinning

#15 Apr 29 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Veronrose

Spinning, THANK YOU! I don't

Spinning, THANK YOU! I don't think you're being brutal at all. I need to hear the facts. I am just a sex texting toy to him....does he ever ask to see me? Even just as friends? NOOOOO. It's all my self-esteem problem. My therapist asked me, "WHY do you think it's okay for him to do that to you? All that sex stuff does nothing but belittle you." BUT GOD, when it's happening, it feels so freakin good!! You're right, I need to break free of the hold he has on me. I have to start thinking more of myself. ((hugs)) to you too, Spinning. xo

#16 Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

spinning

VR, you can do it!

Because you already have done it! Today's a new day. Brush off and move forward. I'm telling you once you break free, good things start to happen. It takes some time (my self-esteem was crushed) but at the six month mark, things are getting pretty interesting again...people are responding to the change in me. It takes work and I have many setbacks, but I know I won't ever give him a single crumb much less a banquet EVER AGAIN! I'm so glad you posted here and shared this. I can see you are re-thinking it and I know it will help you. We're here for you, VR! Have a great weekend. Love and hugs from spinning (just a little today)

spinning

#17 Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

Veronrose

Spinning, Thank you again!!

Spinning, Thank you again!! 28 days was the longest I've ever gone without contacting him, or him contacting me. Today I am on day 2. The first week for me is always the hardest. I began trying NC four months ago for God's sake, and I always fail. When will I get it?!?! I'm waiting for an epiphany...the day where I have truly had enough of the mind games and feel a surge of self-worth and REALLY accept the reality of it all. THAT'S my problem....as Michele says, I have NOT owned it yet. It just hasn't sunken in yet. I think I need a different mindset and to keep posting on here and getting support from all you guys. Thanks spinning, and you have a GREAT weekend too!!

#18 Apr 29 - 1PM

Hunter

Are u a bird? Crumbs are for

Are u a bird? Crumbs are for birds! I prefer wine and chesee! Has he called you since then? Stop and think, please,please, call me or someone else, don't call him! The longer this goes the harder it is for you! Hunter

#19 Apr 29 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

Veronrose

Hi Hunter, No I'm not a

Hi Hunter, No I'm not a bird...lol...and I prefer a nice cold beer and a juicy cheeseburger. :) And, no, I haven't heard from him since Wednesday night. After the Tuesday night text sex stuff, I texted him Weds afternoon saying I didn't know who was wackier, me or him. He was traveling on business that day but texted me back that night just saying "Hey Wackie!" That was it. Hunter, I know, I know, I know....the longer this goes on the harder it will be. I buried my husband 2.5yrs ago...you would think I would have my priorities straight. My therapist thinks that the N was a diversion from my grief and the way he integrated himself in my life so soon after my husband passed (giving me amazing support), is why I have such a hard time letting go. Hunter, I know I'm gonna fall flat on my face after I come down from this high and I'm gonna be right back to square one, with all the pain, when he goes silent on me again. I'm not at all looking forward to that. Thank you so much for listening to me. You're the best. xoxo V

#20 Apr 29 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

Vernon

I'm not sexting you, but I am fun socall or text me instead next time. :) You deserve better! Hunter

#21 Apr 29 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

Veronrose

"I'm not sexting

"I'm not sexting you" LOLOLOLOLOLO!!! Omg, you are so funny! God I wish I lived in Chicago cause you do sound like SO MUCH FUN!!! I will call or text you next time....promise. xo

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