Friends of opposite sex

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#1 Sep 9 - 9AM
wholeagain
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Friends of opposite sex

Here's a recovery question. When I was with the ex, as mentioned he had female friends and I had some male friends too. My men friends are really just friends, but my relationship with the ex was very permissive in that going out to dinner with them or going over to their houses to hang out for an evening was okay.

I know in part it was so the permission would be in reverse, but the ex just never watched much I did in any event--it was part of him being more "advanced" than most people. He wasn't jealous in the traditional sense. In fact, he eroticized jealousy.

So now that I'm in a new relationship, I don't really know how it's supposed to be when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. For those of you who've been in longstanding "normal" relationships, how does that go?

What seemed normal for so many years now doesn't, when I look around at happy, long-term couples. For the most part I didn't care if the ex went out with other women because that's how it was from day one. But if my boyfriend told me he was doing the same, I'd be crushed. I know the reverse would be true too.

This hasn't come up as a problem, my friends are all in my former home state anyway. But at some point I'll go back for a visit and want to handle that respectfully.

Any input or advice?

Sep 9 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Just ask him :) "What are

Just ask him :) "What are your thoughts about me having male friends?" And then whatever he says, respect it as you respect his other thoughts. You know you are a loyal person, trustworthy and sound. If it really, really bothered him, and you really really loved and were devoted to a life together with him, it would seem appropriate to respect his wishes. You can decide if his issues are going to get in your way or not. Usually one issue like this is only one of many similar issues. It wouldn't JUST be his wish you didn't have male friends, likely his wishes would include a lot more than that, and can you live with it and stay true to yourself?
Sep 9 - 10AM
kiwi10
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mine didn;t seem to care at

mine didn;t seem to care at all.... even when i told him someone tried to KISS me. he just didn't freaking care. I sure did. he had 14 years on me and i was the jealous one. i don't think it's right to go out to dinner with somoneone of the opposite sex youre attracted to if your in a managamous relationship. The exception is if she is a mutual friend, or someone you KNOW is safe, like a mom figure or something. just my oppinion, though. good luck :)
Sep 9 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
Used
Used's picture

freinds

when i was married ,i didnt have male freinds, just knew his freind or my freinds husbands or bfs, but even that it was only hi, no way would my ex have let me have male friends, i didnt want them anyway,then i divorced my exh, then met n only male i had been freinds with, we done at lot together chilling shopping, ect, he knew he was my only "male friend,i didnt want anyone else,he didnt know that tho, he had even said i hope you are not seeing anyone behind my back, no i wasent but he was. i was so loyal to him i wouldnt even have ,say a coffee with a male cos he wouldnt have liked it. then i found out what he was all about" double standards" doesnt even begin to cover it. while he was away yet again, in his cave lol. i did meet a male freind we not only hit it off, but chilling with him was like the calm after the storm, so here,s the thing, when n came back i realy thought i would say to mf, i cant see you as n wont like it,i didnt tho cos i didnt want too say it, and then and only then did i relize what a hold the n had on me, went he found out he went ballistic,and war was declared in trying to get rid of mf. n kept saying i dont believe it, and i said, now you know how it feels. 11mnths nc with n ,i still see other mf.
Sep 9 - 10AM
Susan32
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It's all about boundaries

The ex-Psych professor would tell me that it was FINE that I was casually dating to my face--but then complain it about behind my back to his students during class time. He and I weren't even romantically involved, and he was JEALOUS! He had wanted to pull the "I'm the ONLY man who can put up with you" act... but he'd see me taking walks with young men back to the campus. A friend noted that my casual dating was my subconscious way of trying to get out of the "relationship." The ex-P was jealous about my dating... and he used his girlfriend to hurt my feeling. He eroticized jealousy as well... he certainly hoovered me afterwards. I think the ex-P was jealous, but not for the usual reasons. He'd tell me if I disagreed with him that I "hated men",and somehow saw himself as an Archetypal Man (yet he had effeminate mannerisms and voice) A heterosexual Narc/Psych man is jealous of "other men"... but a Narc/Psych like mine was actually jealous of me. I was enjoying the company of a variety of men... and he wished he could be like that. He desperately wanted a boyfriend, but he was so much into propriety and his "normality." We call that a closet case.
Sep 9 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
ShaynasMommy
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Susan

So, he would use class time and impose on other student's learning time in order to just complain about you? And you weren't even dating? How the hell did he justify that crap? and how did he figure that other students would even give a damn? Sue, the more you talk about this douche, the more he's coming across as a total moron! Was his current wife so freaking desperate she had to marry this loser?! And what is it about educators that others think that they can do no wrong, and that unacceptable behavior like this is considered just "quirky" instead of unproductive, at the very least?
Sep 9 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
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He was in an LDR

The girlfriend (a curator from Los Angeles) didn't know. He had a relationship with her via email/telephone for the most part. The woman he married was also the one who was the furthest away from him. Honestly, she didn't know about this. She had NO IDEA that his students disliked him, or that his colleagues shunned him. By the time she moved to the Southwest to work down the street from him, the gay professor who despised him bitterly had already left for a law practice. The OW certainly didn't know. Did she know about his misogyny, which he revealed to me his freshman year? One of his favorite Tolstoy quotes is about "women being generally stupid... unless the Devil gives them intelligence." I think he kept his mask on for her... long enough to get a house with her (he had been renting an apartment), get married to her, and get her pregnant. Then again, some of my classmates assumed she was a lesbian.
Sep 9 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Susan32
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"Current wife"

The OW (a curator, who worked at the museum down the street) married him 9 years ago and had his twins. But I'm not going to waste my time to find out whether or not they're still married. The ex-P's students thought his behavior was outrageous. Apparently he'd go off on really bizarre monologues. As for the complaints about my dating... it just so happened that his students happened to be my friends, so it got back to me fast. The ex-P was quite the moron. Since his parents are living with him and raising his kids, one can safely assume he's imposing on his students by complaining about his parents AND his twins. A friend and I joked a decade ago about how the ex-P had no friends among his colleagues, so he was hanging out with his father and his father's friend in a "causality forum." Causality forums are for people who REALLY DON'T GET IT about cause/effect, so they have to talk about it....
Sep 9 - 9AM
terri
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wholeagain

Interesting question but and I have my own opinion. I've carefully observed happy couples who have been able to stay happily married for over 20 years. They all have one thing in common - healthy boundaries. Because is just about the most important element in a relationship, boundaries have to be established that establish and support healthy trust between partners. I think this is were mutual respect also comes in. Whether or not it's possible to have a platonic friend of the opposite sex is really not the issue. The issue is that when you're in a serious relationship with someone you love, you respect their feelings enough to not make them uncomfortable with your actions. I know people who say that they know it would probably be ok with their partners if they choose to see friends of the opposite sex but the relationship is too important to take any chances with it. I think therein lies the biggest difference between narcs and normal people. Narcs do what THEY want. Normal people think about who their actions affect the other people in their lives that they care about and act accordingly. Talk with your new boyfriend and see what he says. You'll probably be able to get a good feeling about his true comfort levels.

Believe in yourself!
Terri