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Freshout Story

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#1 Jun 1 - 9PM
freshout
freshout's picture

Freshout Story

I’m fairly fresh out of a relationship with a NARC. A friend showed me this site and it has been extremely helpful in putting some pieces together. It has been nearly a month and I am still physically exhausted, my brain is fried, and I'm experiencing extreme anxiety. I have been going like an energizer bunny for months on end. I left him, but I still feel tossed out like garbage. He beat me for the last time. He said I abandoned him, but I don’t feel like he was ever really there except at the very beginning. He quickly became emotionally absent to say the least. I’m actually surprised that he thought we had a real “relationship” and I’m shocked that he could have been happy with it. It was miserable. There was nothing there! Yes, at first he was the best thing since sliced bread, but within months I felt like old news. At the beginning he made sure I was so well taken care of. Actually, even at the end he made sure my basic needs were met like glasses, this was his “proof” that he was good to me, completely ignoring the constant emotional and physical abuse. Once, toward the end…he looked at me with disgusted and said “you look like you feel so used.” Um…YES! I gave him everything I had…every dime, all my emotional and physical energy, my time that should have been spent with my children and other family.

I was made so confused that I didn’t know what to think. He honestly made me feel like I wasn’t capable of stringing two thoughts together. I was told I was crazy many times a day and that I didn’t know who I was much less what I want. He said was there to “guide” me. Since I left I’ve been having a hard time with my memory, which makes me feel like maybe I AM completely nuts at times. I now wake in the middle of the night having horrible nightmares and afraid to go back to sleep. The simplest situations bring about tremendous anxiety. I have always been a very social person, but while I was with him I became so isolated. Now when I reach out to my friends I have some explaining to do. It causes me great anxiety. I don’t even know how to explain it to them. It sounds so outlandish and so atypical of my nature to be involved with someone like this AND it’s embarrassing. I am a very high energy person, but I am EXHAUSTED! My PMS this month was the worst I’ve experienced since my teens and the symptoms went on for a solid 10 days. I think that may sound crazy, but I know of no other explanation. It was my first cycle since the break-up, which ended with horrific violence. I’m seeing a therapist…I wonder if I’ll ever be the same again. I just want my life back. He was so demanding that I lost myself. It was never enough. I kept doing and doing and doing and it was NEVER enough OR it wasn’t the right thing for me to do OR I didn’t do it the right way. He was IMPOSSIBLE to please. He had other women hovering and made a point to let me know how replaceable I am if I wanted to complain. In one breath he told me that his business will fail without me, that I validate him, and he will never gain custody of his daughter without me. In the next I am replaceable? I can’t believe I put up with it! Who had I become and how? It boggles my mind. Please tell me there is hope that I will resemble who I was before all the madness.

Jun 8 - 9PM
freshout
freshout's picture

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and support

I have read the replies and I just want to say thank you all for you thoughtful responses. Your support has made all the difference in me staying strong. It been a very rough few days. NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY! I know this. I think I've finally managed to make that happen. I tried blocking his number on my phone, but it wasn't working and he was texting me relentlessly with some seriously hate filled language. I won't bother repeating it as I'm sure you've all heard it before. I blocked his email address, but he would send messages from another address. It has been days of verbal abuse. It kept escalating as time kept passing without a response from me. I tried everything I knew and finally deleted all my email accounts and after MUCH time on the phone with my wireless company figured out what the issue was with the block. That was the last bit of time and energy he will steal from me! I have had those 2 email addresses for many many years. All of my family, friends, kids schools, companies I do business with etc... had those addresses. I had to go to each site I registered with those addresses and change my information. I swear, it's worse than losing your wallet. It really angered me as I was dealing with it! Why should I have to do all this because HE can't leave me alone! It felt like once again he had me jumping through hoops. It's done now though and, in the end, I feel empowered. Worth the hassle. Just wanted to post an update and again say thank you to all who have taken the time to empathize with me and help me process what has happened. I am so grateful for this site and the beautiful women who have had the misfortune of having to deal with Narcs.
Jun 6 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Hang in There!

Your story is similar to mine. I left 6/2/09. Got out before a beating, but the physical abuse was beginning. I was replaced immediately with a NW! I mean from night to day after a 2 1/2 year marriage & a 6 month courtship. Anyhow. What you describe is exactly what I suffered. Nightmares for almost 8 - 10 months. I was exhausted. It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Also, you need Robin Stern's book, "The Gaslight Effect." Sounds like you were "gaslighted." I read this book in 3/09 & decided I had to leave him. It made so much so clear. Gaslighters make one feel crazy. Also, Marie-France Hirogyen, "STalking the Soul." Shows step-by-step how these guys seduce a woman, then emotionally destroy her. I had a horrible divorce. But, I am divorced. I feel much, much better one year later. I still have intrusive thoughts. I have been contacted by the woman who replaced me. So this has stirred up some emotions & intrusive thougts. But, NW took an RO out against my former N who became her N. If your N contacts you, and it is unwelcome, if you can . . . get an RO. He beat you. In fact, go to the police & take out a criminal complaint for assault & battery. That is, if you are able to. I was too afraid of my N to do this. He would have destroyed me in the divorce financially if I had taken him to criminal court. If you want to get your sanity & your soul back, NO CONTACT is the only way. Be brave!
Jun 5 - 7AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Freshout

You sound just like I feel. It's been about a month for me, too, and mine ended with a violent clash as well. I know what you mean about being happy about the physical abuse. To have photographs of the bruises and scratches--and for his brothers to have seen them, too--it's very validating when you think it was your fault. Everything you said: not being able to please him, giving him everything, etc.: it's all stuff we have experienced over and over again, and it's awful. No one understands why we stayed with them, and yes, it's very embarrassing. I find that it's helpful to tell others about the disorder. Describing how the N was able to pretend that we had no relationship for three years helps, too, if others were familiar with how involved you actually were. My ex-husband could not understand why I was with him, and he would become very angry with me because my attention to the N affected our daughters. I finally made him understand by asking him how he would feel if I told him our ten-year marriage never happened, that I never loved him, that there was never anything between us, and what if I kept insisting it? Would he eventually start thinking he himself was nuts? Would he be devastated? Would he be able to "just forget about" me because I'm a jerk? Would I BE just a jerk--or something much more terrifying? The N and I miscarried two babies. He denies now that I was even pregnant. Carrying this and other stuff with me every day is overwhelming. I have never felt so empty, so shocked in my life--and life hasn't been a cake walk, to be sure. My ex husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after he set a fire at our church--and he was a firefighter! He went to jail for two years and we lost our house, drove away our families, and had to leave town. That was NOTHING compared to this. And I think the N picked me because he knew about my past. At the time I thought, wow, he knows what happened to me and it doesn't scare him. H*ll no, it didn't! I was the perfect prey. It's summer, and I keep remembering the N taking my hand and leading me into his upscale parties, sitting me on his lap, kissing me. I remember all of his friends saying, "He's crazy about you. We've never seen him like this." Crazy . . . yeah. I always went back to him because I felt I couldn't live without him, like a drug. But also because I always thought that someday I would meet his female friends, meet his best friend, find out where he went all the time. When I'd leave, I'd panic and think, "If I don't go back I will have no right to ask who he is with or where he goes--my chance to find out will be gone forever!" The bizarre panic of this kept me coming back for more deceit, more lies, more cheating, more madness. Well it's over now, and I never found out anything. I know that he takes such incredible pleasure in that. That was his reason for living, it seems: to withhold information. Honestly, if he could keep something from me, it was a good day. I hate to admit that it makes me crazy still. The period: I just had my first one too, since the event, and it was horrible. Cramps, which I haven't had since I was twelve. Weeping uncontrollably for days before. Hugely distended abdomen and massive bleeding. It seems like everything is worse: finances, family problems, everything. It's almost as if the N has cursed us--like he's sending us evil just to make sure we know how destroyed we are and to keep us that way. So he can keep pointing to us and saying: "What a mess." Meanwhile he seems better than ever: tanner, fitter, more smiley and carefree. Really does remind me of the novel, "Dracula," where the vampire would appear flushed and vibrant after a feeding, and the victim pale and nearly lifeless. It's Saturday, and it's my aunt and uncle's fiftieth wedding anniversary. I'll wake up my daughters soon, get us dressed, pick up my mom, and we'll drive out there for the day. My family will be there, everyone will talk and laugh, and tonight we'll drive home and the N will be gone again (he lives on my block). No matter how late I come home, he always comes home after. I swear he waits around the corner to make sure he is never home before me, so I always have to wonder where he is. I know I'm not going to be happy, and I'm not going to feel better. For all I know, he'll be having cocktails with a new woman on his deck when I get home. I know he's got more up his sleeve for me, including probably marriage to someone else. I don't know how I'm going to deal with what he has in store, but I'm steeling myself every minute. It's like waiting to be bombed, and I can't wait for the day when I don't care what he does anymore.
Jun 2 - 11PM
Lola1111
Lola1111's picture

I am so sorry this has

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am new here so I am learning alot. One thing that really helps me is to be grateful. I don't know if that makes sense. but be grateful that even though the violence hurts at least it made you leave. I look at my knee and if it weren't for the huge gash in it, I may not have left. Now I have to see it everyday as a reminder that I escaped. I am so blessed. This was a blessing to me. Because now I am free. I will heal from this and you will too. hugs.
Jun 2 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome freshout

- PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. PLEASE do this BEFORE asking questions. - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing. It will answer many questions before you ask them. PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting. Thanks - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going if you feel the need for whatever level of PTSD he's given you ASAP! there is NO SUCH THING as a Sociopath Narc. The spectrum only runs ONE WAY. You can be a Narcissist Sociopath but not the other way around. And your therapist is right. DEAD. (did you know that over 1/3 of sociopath victims commit suicide to escape the pain, confusion and mental shredding they get? Don't be a statistic!) You won't get the old you back but you will get a new & better you back... but it does take a lot of time & patience. remember: YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 1 - 10PM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Hello sweetheart and welcome to the family...

Yes, there is hope and you are on your way to recovery now that you left him. Do not let him into your life again; do not let him find you! Change all contact information and never look back. Time will soften the affect but you must continue your therapy and you must go NC. It's been 3 years for me and I am doing sooo much better. While my experience with the XN was miserable, I am glad that I survived it!!! Your therapist will help you with coping strategies if s/he is familiar with this mental illness. Start journaling, stay away from mutual friends with your XN, keep your spirits positive, control any thoughts of him and you should know that you are a great person and he did not deserve you. You are strong and beautiful. What happened to you happened because you came across a "robot" of a person and NOT because you did anything wrong; IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Many hugs sweetheart and keep up posted...
Jun 2 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
freshout
freshout's picture

Thank you Introspection

I hoped I would wake this morning to a reply. The support is so helpful. He is still my first thought in the morning. I know I'm still processing during my sleep. The hope means a lot. I blamed myself a lot at first and still fall into it. My therapist warns me about doing that. She says if I feel like it's my fault or feel guilty then I’m sure to end up feeling very bad about myself, which may lead me back to the "N”…continuing the cycle. She advises that there is plenty of time, once I am feeling stronger, to look back and try to figure out where, if at all, I went "wrong." I heed this warning because...it's true. This was not my first go around with him. It's been on and off with him for almost two years. The last big break up I moved to another city 3 hours away, but ended up coming back…and ultimately back to him. I left after many instances of physical abuse. This may sound crazy, but I’m almost glad that there was physical abuse. During the periods of mental abuse, without physical, I’m constantly wondering if it’s just me. There is no “evidence” (such as bruises) that he’s the sick one. If I try to talk to him about the mental abuse then he screws up my head so much that I end up thinking I created the situation…and no longer see it for what it is MENTAL ABUSE. I finally saw the light after this last beating and said to myself. You know, it doesn’t matter whose “fault” it is. IF it is mine then I don’t want to be with someone who brings out that side of me. The side that leads to bruises, burns, and cuts. That is what made it ok for me to get out. Once I was out for a couple weeks then I could really see that the physical abuse was NOT my fault, but that sort of abuse gave me the “evidence” I needed to leave. Now I have to stay strong and never contact him again. EVER…for ANY reason. My therapist warned that if I continue with this sociopath NARC then I will end up dead. NO QUESTION. DEAD. That is an eye opener. It is still very hard. I spent every day literally serving his needs. He never so much as had an empty glass of water. I was on HIGH ALERT constantly. It so hard to come down from that. I'm so happy to have gotten out alive!
Jun 2 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Hello sweetheart....

Last night it was late when I read your story; I was exhausted but had to send love your way. I recall my experience during the initial period of the break-up, I depended on support groups to keep me focused and strong. I know God works through us to help each other and I could not bypass the opportunity to reach out to you. I hope you continue to log-on and lean on us during this very difficult period. Your statement that the physical abuse was an eye opener is not crazy at all. I deliberately blocked some of my experiences during the break-up but at one point at the end of my relationship with my XN, I was furious about the mind games that finally make me break...I slapped him. He grabbed my wrists with one hand and held me against the wall by the throat. I will never forget the hate in his eyes and the feeling that he only let me go because of legal ramifications...I hate to rehatch those memories, they are very painful. So much humilation, so much abuse. I hope you don't go back to him ever. There is nothing you can do for fix his problem. You and I deserve better and we should not allow anyone to abuse us; we are better off alone than in bad company. You should control your thoughts! This was the one technique that I relied upon through most of the process. Anytime I caught myself thinking of him or thoughts of missing him...I would replace them with a phrase that I repeat religiously..."he doesn't love me, never has and never will." I had to repeat the same thought almost every 5 minutes throughout the day. It really helped. I allowed myself to cry but once it was over, I resumed my day. I forced myself to eat and go out to be around people. I really used the help of support forums and really hate the fact that I didn't find this one back then but nevertheless, three years later...here I am, a new person...paying it forward. Expect lots of bumps and bruises on this journey sweetheart but know that there are many of us right behind you, just a few keystrokes away! There is a posting on this site on Cognitive Dissonance...read it please and keep us posted.
Jun 2 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
freshout
freshout's picture

Duplicated post- sorry

Duplicated post sorry